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TV Gal Lets TV Speak for Itself, 12.23.02 ...


Here are my picks for the best television quotes of 2002:

"It has been a really long, long day." Jack to his wife Teri on "24."

"Bored now." Willow after killing Warren on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

"Maybe there's hope," Mulder's final line to Scully on "The X-Files" series finale.

"I don't love you anymore. I don't want you. The thought of you sleeping in my bed makes me sick." Carmela to Tony on "The Sopranos."

"Simon I really respect your opinion, but what did you guys think?" Justinto the audience after he got a bad review from the judges on "American Idol."

"They're everywhere. They control everything. Who do you think prevented that *N Sync guy from going into space?" Jack discussing the gay mafia on "Will & Grace."

"You have a past? I always thought you were genetically engineered in a lab." Van to Billie on "Fastlane."

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television or in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do and they live happily forever. Give me a break." Dr. Cox on "Scrubs."

"This whole ‘will they or won't they' is driving us nuts." Mike about Carol and Ed on "Ed."

"I wasn't thinking of you when you were here." Wesley to Lilah on "Angel."

"So many women, so little charm." Donna to Josh on "The West Wing."

"Boy, you will do anything to stop me from having sex with Big." Carrie to Miranda when her labor ends Carrie's date on "Sex and the City."

"This watch belonged to my father. It's broken now, but it used to keep perfect time. And when he gave it to me, he said you could set your heart by this watch. It stopped October 1st. The day we met." Vaughn to Sydney on "Alias."

"Those are good stories about you though. Those stories would make me like you," Josh to Donna on "The West Wing."

"I've come to redefine the words ‘pain' and 'suffering' since I feel in love with you," Spike to Buffy on "Buffy."

"Oh my God. We're going to have to ice skate home. Hell just froze over," Miranda on "Sex and the City" when she realizes Samantha cares about Richard.

"I think Rory's 17 and it's probably about time for a Jess," Lorelai to Luke on "Gilmore Girls."

"It's good stuff, all that teenage crap." Dawson's agent on "Dawson's Creek."

"All I'm saying is soulless Spike would have had me upside down and halfway to happy land by now." Anya to Spike on "Buffy."

"You may have Penelope Cruz-ed your way in, but you can just as easily be Mimi Rogers out." Jack to Leo on "Will & Grace."

"I don't want my private life publicized. I'm not Winona Ryder." Jackson to Luke on "Gilmore Girls."

"There's no way you're going to become our Pete Best. No way," Dave to Lang on "Gilmore Girls."

"Everybody is cheating on everybody. Suddenly my family is Fleetwood Mac," Will on "Will & Grace."

"It will be the third marriage for Lopez, the first for Ben, and the last for neither." Tina Fey on "Saturday Night Live."

"Ben." Owen (Matt Damon) when asked the name of his high school boyfriend on "Will & Grace."

"This is going to kill him. You know how much he likes to propose." Chandler about Ross on "Friends."

"Hi. Welcome. Don't kill me." Marshall to Sark on "Alias."

"She talks about you so much. Sometimes I want to kill you," Charlie to Zoey's new boyfriend on "The West Wing."

"I am just road kill on the Dawson and Joey highway," Jen on "Dawson's Creek."

"I want you to know if I die, you don't get Joey," Chandler to Ross on "Friends" after he learns he won't get custody of Emma.

"One day if I pray hard enough and eat all my vegetables, I just might have hips," Lilah mimicking Fred on "Angel."

"They naturally went to their duties which is cooking and cleaning," Brian about the female members of his tribe on "Survivor: Thailand."

"You know what they say about payback, well I'm the bitch." Fred to her physics professor on "Angel."

"It's really creepy down here. Someone brought lunch from home." Kip to Lydia when they visit the fourth floor on "Less Than Perfect."

"If we make him look any younger, his only work will be on the WB," Jackie on "Presidio Med" about the face lift she gave an aging actor.

"Do you mind if I talk to you while we walk?" Sam to Josh on a flashback episode of "The West Wing."

"I saw it on 'The West Wing,' it makes everything seem important," Phil to Shirley after a walking and talking scene on "Ed."

"Clark would have to be on drugs to be on drugs," Chloe to Lana on "Smallville."

"This just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross," Phoebe to Rachel when Emma keeps crying on "Friends."

"If Donna wasn't with them they'd have to buy a house." The President about the stranded Josh and Toby on "The West Wing."

"Mom?" Sydney to The Man on the season finale of "Alias."

"Or, what I'm grounded?" Sydney to her mom when she demands Sydney tell her who sent her on "Alias."

"Play nice kids. Don't make me stop this trauma." Carter to the bickering Gant and Pratt on "ER."

"United we stand. Divided we get played." Bernie Mac describing his parenting philosophy on "The Bernie Mac Show."

"That's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break." Ross to baby Emma on "Friends."

"Is Billy the father?" Nelle when she finds out Ally has a daughter on "Ally McBeal."

"Look at me, I'm like Ally McBeal size." Shi-Ann on "Survivor: Thailand."

"It's a sorority. It can't matter this much." Dede on the season finale of "Sorority Life."

"In the future, I ask that you extend to me the same courtesy you extend to a crack dealer." Dr. Melfi to Tony on "The Sopranos."

"In the future, if you're wondering -- 'Crime, boy I don't know' -- is when I decided to kick your ass." President Bartlet to Senator Richie on "The West Wing."

"I say we eat in front of the TV like a real family." Ray to Debra on "Everybody Loves Raymond."

"If the numbers aren't good, I'm taking one of your kidneys and giving it to him." Dr. Cox to one of the interns about a patient's test results on "Scrubs."

"I felt like a Pentecostal minister who's lost a member of his flock." Leon Hall on "The Golden Globes Fashion Police" about Sela Ward's dress.

"Clark, you're not the flying type." Pete to Clark on "Smallville."

"Worst porn ever. Worst porn ever." Chandler when he mistakes a birthing video for porn on "Friends."

"I ran into two former clients, so at least I'm making friends." Lindsay about her stint in jail on "The Practice."

"Our friendship will be the stuff of legend." Lex to Clark on "Smallville."

"If my life were like a movie, I'd fall asleep or I'd walk out." Brenda to Nate on "Six Feet Under."

"I wonder if she knows the history of engagements in our family." Mary about Matt's new fiancée on "7th Heaven."

"Yes, I'll break into the Vatican with you." Vaughn to Sydney on "Alias."

"You set the tone Carter." Mark to Carter on "ER."

"Anytime you go to Vegas, bet on black." Sean on "Survivor: Marquesas."

"Who the hell are you people?" Will to Sydney and her dad on "Alias."

"You didn't see her. She was in amazing shape." Felicity about Hannah (Jennifer Garner) on "Felicity."

"I'm Ozzy Osbourne. It could be worse, I could be Sting." Ozzy on "The Osbournes."

"The only reason I let you get older is so you could help me." Debra to Ally on "Everybody Loves Raymond."

"Bubbles! Bubbles, Sharon! I'm the f**** prince of f**** darkness!" Ozzy to Sharon on "The Osbournes."

"If you win this competition, we will have failed," Simon to Jim on "American Idol."

"Is it just me or is Paula becoming really unpleasant?" Simon after Paula admits she didn't like Nikki's performance on "American Idol."

"The intensity here is only getting intenser." Brian Dunkleman on the finale of "American Idol."

"You look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning," Paris to Rory "Gilmore Girls."

"It just seemed like everyone had an opinion." "Felicity" about her haircut.

"You're as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night." Karen to Jack on "Will & Grace."

"I miss Ferris Matthew. Broadway Matthew, I find him cold." Andrew to Jonathan on "Buffy."

"It's the chip ... it won't let me be a monster and I can't be a man." Spike on "Buffy."

"Tell me I don't live in a soap opera." Cordy reflecting on the current state of events on "Angel."

"Homo, I don't think we're in Barney's any more." Jack after he hits his head and ends up in heaven with Cher on "Will & Grace."

"You're living out of a van like a hobo or Jewel," J.D. to Elliot on "Scrubs."

"Holy Crap," Clay upon seeing himself in the mirror on "Survivor: Thailand."

"Share in private jokes, make a human pyramid, run around in a fountain with umbrellas ... ." Jessica on what friends do on "Andy Richter Controls the Universe."

"In about ten minutes, I'm going to turn all these television sets onto 'The Sopranos.'" Emmy host Conan O'Brien.

"As far as I'm concerned, there's only one 'CSI' and it's the one that's nominated tonight." Marg Helgenberger revealing her disdain for "CSI: Miami" at the Emmy pre-show.

"There's only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil and that's us. Any questions?" Buffy to the Scoobies on "Buffy."
Credit: Zap2it


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