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A Valentine For My Boys, 02.14.02 ...

The sad and sorry truth about life as a TV columnist's life is that I spend more time sparking with fake guys than I do getting a charge out of the real deal.

Life on the couch means that most of my dating is vicarious, through Blind Date rather than stepping out with real live men.

Which is why, this Valentine's Day, my heart goes out to the TV guys because, after all, since I snuggle up with them night after night, they're already mine at least in my mind.

JON STEWART: Sure, he's a skinny pipsqueak, all nose and forehead. But the host of The Daily Show plays big and gorgeous on TV. Besides, he's fast and funny, especially when he makes those adorable who-me? faces. The truth is, at the end of a long hard day, what a woman wants more is a man who can hand her a great line.

RICHARD FISH: The senior partner on Ally McBeal (Greg Germann) started out as a self-centred, sexist pig, the kind of lawyer that gives other lawyers a good name. But, recently, this bottom-feeder has been rising to the top. First, he helps Ally fix her fixer-upper. Now it turns out he's been paying the lawyers out of his pocket because he hasn't the heart to downsize them out of jobs. While he doesn't have Robert Downey Jr.'s chocolaty eyes, he does have a soft and mushy centre. Besides, as a woman working on a wattle, I gotta love a guy who thinks loose skin is sexy.

MR. BIG: Sex And The City's Aidan may be puppy dog cute but I'm still drooling over Mr. Big (Chris Noth). Tall, dark and handsome, he's both cool as a Cosmopolitan and hotter than a Manhattan sidewalk in August. And what girl hasn't fantasized about making love to a millionaire in the back of a limo?

LUKE DANES: You know him as Luke the diner guy (Scott Patterson) on Gilmore Girls. A hunka-hunka of burning schlub, thanks to those rumpled plaid shirts and backward ball caps; he's a stouthearted man of his convictions. Anybody who hates cell phones as much as he does is a tasty dish in my book.

THE E.R. GUYS: Ever since Doug Ross (George Clooney) quit County General, my pumper hasn't been fibrillating the way it used to. While there's no sweet John Carter (Noah Wyle) and heartsick Luka Kovac (Goran Visnjic) could heal me where it hurts, it takes two of them to meaure up to Dr. Doug. But hey, I like sandwiches.

THE THIRD WATCH CREWS: Is it me or is it hot in here? This series about New York City cops, paramedics and firefighters melts me down week after week and not just since Sept. 11. Our boys and girls and yes, I'm including the five-alarm females Officer Faith Yokas (Molly Price) and paramedic/firefighter Alex Taylor (Amy Carlson) here do more than serve and protect. They set hearts afire. Can you hear their siren call? Jimmy Doherty (Eddie Cibrian), rescue me!

TONY SOPRANO: Okay, I admit. This is weird. The Sopranos' mob boss (James Gandolfini) is a killer, cheats on his wife and wears tacky jewellery. But he's a family man, in all senses of the word, and a stand-up guy for those he loves. You can literally hear the steam coming out of his nose. I wouldn't mind feeling his hot breath on my neck while we slurp pasta brasiole at a tavola for two.

JOEY TRIBBIANI: He may still be the dumb dog on Friends but Joey (Matt LeBlanc) is the most romantic of the pack. His mooning over Rachel this season is just about the sweetest thing ever. And his offer to marry her when he learned she was pregnant? The most noble and unselfish act in primetime. I'd cuddle up with him in his Lazy Boy and watch TV anytime.

MITCH BARNSWORTH: I adored long tall Torontonian Gabriel Hogan in Pit Pony and Peacekeepers. And, as Mitch Barnsworth in The Associates, he's both sexy and mischievous. But only with the "mute" button on. That veddy teddible English accent has got to go. Then he can whisper sweet nothings to me anytime.

VICTOR NEWMAN: So what if mega mogul Victor (Eric Braeden) isn't the youngest and most restless of the cuties on top-rated soap Y&R? He knows what he wants and he gets it. He'd make even me shop at Zeller's.

BALDWIN JONES: NYPD Blue's strong, silent detective (Henry Simmons) not only brings in the bad guys, he's ready to bring up baby. Once he learned that he made assistant district attorney Heywood preggers, he wanted to be there for his child. This mountain of manhood can handcuff me anytime.

PETER MANSBRIDGE: That voice! That authoritative attitude! That turtleneck on One On One! CBC-TV's chief news anchor has been floating my boat for 25 years. He can talk to me about anything, anytime, even if it's about the latest backroom boy bickering on Parliament Hill. Is it true what they say about (almost) bald men? Crank up the testosterone and give me the big picture, Pete!
Credit: The Star

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