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Transcript: A Tale of Poes and Fire ...


Written by: Daniel Palladino
Directed by: Chris Long

[Open in Lukeís diner. Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table with papers scattered over it.]

LORELAI: Okay, letís see: Looks like Harvard definitely has the smallest class sizes.

RORY: Okay! Weíve got our first entry here. Itís a pro for Harvard.

LORELAI: Whoa whoa whoa! Those are not the final, official pro/con lists.

RORY: Whatís wrong with them?

LORELAI: The lines are crooked. The printingís all sloppy. Harvard, Princeton and Yale cannot see them like that.

RORY: Theyíre not going to see our pro/con lists!

LORELAI: Oh, ho! What if they subpoena them?

RORY: Then Iíll roll them up into a big ball and eat them.

LORELAI: Ooh, a big pro for Yale: They have 1100 members on their maintenance staff. Clean, clean, clean.

RORY: All three of these places probably have the same number.

LORELAI: But Yale must be crowing about it for some reason. Princeton might only have two.

RORY: Two? You think there are two guys cleaning all of Princeton?

LORELAI: Write "Princetonís stinking filthy" in big letters.

RORY: Yeah, Iím pretending to write it as we speak.

KIRK: Good morning ladies. May I interest you in a shirt?

LORELAI: Oh Kirk, youíre not selling your laundry again, are you?

KIRK: No, these are part of my latest money making endeavor. Iím going to print daily T-shirts featuring a humorous topical headline of something I witness around town.

RORY: Neat!

KIRK: I got the idea when I read about something a man was doing in Portland.

LORELAI: What was he doing?

KIRK: He was printing daily T-shirts featuring a humorous topical headline of something he witnessed around town.

RORY: Is that todayís?

KIRK: Sure is.

RORY: [reads] "Babette ate oatmeal." Huh.

LORELAI: Yeah.

KIRK: Iím keeping it real.

RORY: Itís good.

LORELAI: Paints a picture. I can just see her eating oatmeal.

KIRK: Theyíre $14.95. How many can I put you down for?

LUKE: [arrives at table] No solicitors, Kirk

KIRK: How about if I cut you in for a piece of the action?

LUKE: How about I toss the shirts out the door first, so you can have something to land on?

KIRK: Got it. [walks off]

LUKE: Whatís with the lists?

LORELAI: you ready? My Rory, our Rory, Stars Hollowsí Rory, got into Harvard, Princeton and Yale.

LUKE: Wow! I canít believe it! I fee like I -- [chuckles, awkwardly hugs Rory]

RORY: [pats his hand] Oh, okay.

LUKE: [laughs self-consciously] Well, Iím not good at hugging.

RORY: Oh, I thought it worked.

LUKE: Thanks. Man, this is big, right?

RORY: Very big.

LUKE: Whatís with all the lists?

LORELAI: Thatís how we make important decisions. You know that.

LUKE: You know what its going to be: Harvard.

RORY: Probably.

LORELAI: But not necessarily.

LUKE: But Harvardís all youíve talked about for years.

LORELAI: Well, who knew sheíd be wanted by everyone?

LUKE: Hey -- which school teaches how to make an important life decision without doing a stupid pro/con list? Whichever one it is, add it to the pro column.

LORELAI: Do not mock the scientificity of our selection process.

RORY: Iíve gotta head to school.

LORELAI: Hey, why go anymore? Youíre in college letís go truffle hunting or something.

RORY: Maybe after I graduate.

LORELAI: All right, but if all the good truffles are gone, donít say I didnít warn you.

RORY: Bye [leaves]

LUKE: I canít believe how great that is -- all three!

LORELAI: Well, they have good taste.

LUKE: Well, you know. Jess also -- well, itís so tiny compared to this, that itís gonna sound dumb.

LORELAI: What? Tell me.

LUKE: You know how Jess works at Wal-Mart...

LORELAI: Yes, I do.

LUKE: Well, it seems he was actually chosen employee of the month.

LORELAI: Really!

LUKE: I knew it would sound tiny.

LORELAI: No, Luke, thatís not tiny! Thatís really good.

LUKE: Yeah; I mean, thereís probably hundreds of people working at the branch and they singled him out.

LORELAI: Yeah! It shows he can work hard and get along with people and all that. You should be proud! Did you tell him youíre proud?

LUKE: He didnít even tell me about it. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony theyíre having

LORELAI: Are you going?

LUKE: Oh, heíd hate it if I was there, you know, seeing him seeing him participate in some corporate ceremony like that, being called "upstanding and responsible." It would kill him. Yeah Iím going.

LORELAI: Good boy.

LUKE: Hmm. [Looks at Kirk, who shoves T-shirts off the table into a box]

[Opening credits.]

[Independence Inn Kitchen]

LORELAI: [approaching Sookie] Why are you down there?

SOOKIE: Papaya wonít eat so Iím pretending to eat out of her bowl so sheíll copy me.

LORELAI: Sookie, you named the cat.

SOOKIE: Well, she looks like a papaya, doesnít she?

LORELAI: But itís a stray! Youíll get close to it and itíll wander off and youíll be sad.

SOOKIE: Iím keeping my distance Come on, Papaya. Lap, lap...

LORELAI: All right, weíre getting you up, here. Come on.

SOOKIE: Oh boy! Being a cat is hard on the knees.

LORELAI: Since when are you a cat person?

SOOKIE: Well, ever since Iíve become pregnant, Iíve become very nurturing toward all living things. Jackson, too.

LORELAI: Well, both your bodies are changing.

SOOKIE: Yesterday, oh it was awful. Jackson moved a table and just kind of nicked this spider. He didnít see the little thing and just clipped one of its legs. It was having trouble walking. We were so upset. But Jackson made a new leg for it out of a paperclip. But jamming the clip into the spider killed it instantly. [sadly] Little Satchmo.

LORELAI: You named the spider "Satchmo?"

SOOKIE: After Jacksonís uncle.

LORELAI: Oh, Iím sure heíll be very touched.

SOOKIE: [gasps] Maybe if I wore ears!

LORELAI: What?

SOOKIE: [holds two tortilla chips behind her head] Papaya! Look at mommy, look at mommy, look at mommy!

[Cut to Independence Inn Lobby]

LORELAI: Is this everyone from the Edgar Allen Poe Society?

MICHEL: If you mean the "I Should Be Sterilized So That My Disturbing Idiosyncrasies Arenít Passed On To The Next Generation Society," then yes, thatís them.

LORELAI: [to a couple] Hi! Welcome to the Independence Inn.

JIM HATLESTAD: Thank you! Weíre Jim and Milly Hatlestad.

LORELAI: Okay, Iíve got you right here. Well, once again, welcome, and let me assure you, there are no human body parts buried in the floor of your room to keep you awake tonight! Sound good?

JIM HATLESTAD: [uncertainly] I guess.

LORELAI: Room 8. [to Michel, scoffing] "The Tell Tale Heart." Thatís a Poe story! Did they not get that?

MICHEL: The Hatlestads are not with the Poe Society.

LORELAI: Why didnít you tell me that?

MICHEL: If I had thought to, I still would not have.

FRED LARSON: Hi -- my name is Larson. Iím checking in.

LORELAI: Poe Society, right?

FRED LARSON: Thatís me

LORELAI: Well, welcome to the Independence Inn. There will be a complimentary "Cask of Amontillado" on the table in your room, and if youíre expecting your friends Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether, Iíll send up another one. [awkward pause] You said you were with the Poe Society.

FRED LARSON: Yeah, but itís just a hobby. Weíre not Trekkies.

LORELAI: No, no, no. I didnítí mean to imply --I mean, youíre not freaks, no way. Here. Room 6.

FRED LARSON: Thank you. [walks away]

MICHEL: You might want to stop trying to cute things up.

LORELAI: I hear that.

MICHEL: [to guest] Hello, sir.

[Cut to Wal Mart Conference Room]

WAL-MART MANAGER: Hello, everybody! Hope youíre having a good day today. You folks know we do this every month -- just a little get-together to honor our new employee of the month. Nothing fancy -- just a quick "thanks" and a "way to go." Oh, and thereís 200 bucks in it. I think thatís how we got our honoree to even show up at this thing! You know him as a trouper, our Mr. Reliable. The first time this young man sat down on a forklift, well, it was like an extension of himself. And yeah, heís not one for small talk, but this boyís production is out of sight. Itís Jess Mariano, everybody. [applause] Would you like to say anything, Jess?

JESS: Nope.

WAL-MART MANAGER: Well, thatís our Jess. Give another hand, folks, and uh, have a good one.

[employees exit, Jess sees Luke]

JESS: What are you doing here?

LUKE: Iím so proud of my boy.

JESS: Stop it.

LUKE: Do you have a tissue, because I think Iím going to be emotional.

JESS: I mean it! Stop now! It came with cash. Thatís the only reason Iím here.

LUKE: Donít forget the plaque! You should hang that over your bed, shine a little spotlight over it.

JESS: I gotta bet back to work. [leaves]

LUKE: [calls after him] Yeah, the forkliftís going, "Whereís the extension of me?"

WAL-MART MANAGER: Hey, saw you jawboning with our boy there. Iím Bill Borden.

LUKE: Luke Danes. Iím Jessís uncle.

BILL BORDEN: Nice meeting ya.

LUKE: So heís doing good, huh?

BILL BORDEN: Wish I had a dozen more Jesses. Heís my go-to guy.

LUKE: Thatís great to hear.

BILL BORDEN: He works like a dog on his regular shift and if someone calls in sick -- and they always do -- Jess is there even if heís already done 40 hours that week

LUKE: Wow I am so -- 40 hours he never works 40 hours.

BILL BORDEN: More like 45. Thatís what Iím saying. Good boy, that one.

LUKE: Wait -- howís that possible? Heís got school, he works for me. It canít be 40.

BILL BORDEN: Well, I canít say I sign every time card, but Iím pretty sure itís at least that. Maybe Iím mistaken.

LUKE: Yeah. Maybe.

BILL BORDEN: Oh, I thought you might like this little keepsake for you.

LUKE: Great. Thanks.

[Cut to Miss Patty's]

FRED LARSON AS POE: [reciting] "...then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy to smiling, by the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore/ though thy crest be shorn and shaven thou sure are no craven..."

LORELAI: That Poe was downright funalicious.

RORY: He was a troubled man. He enjoyed a little bit too much of the hmm-hmm. [drinking gesture]

LORELAI: Mime?

RORY: You know what I meant.

LORELAI: Oh, mime! That reminds me. Yale, best drama school, bar none. Put that in the pro column .

RORY: But Iím taking drama

LORELAI: But it means youíll have the best on-campus productions! Youíll get to see the next Meryl Streep all goofy and 18 and doing crap like, "Name an occupation!" "Plumber!" "Name a farm tool now!" "Tractor!" "Yeah, Iím a tractor doing plumbing."

RORY: Thatís what they do at the Yale drama school?

LORELAI: So Iíve heard. [pause] Thatís weird.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: Over there.

RORY: A second Poe!

LORELAI: Itís like a Poe story in itself.

RORY: "The Case of the Second Poe."

LORELAI: "The Messrs. Poe and Poe."

RORY: Oh, thatís good!

LORELAI: Oh, hey, thereís Dean. Oh, is that --

RORY: Thatís Lindsay.

LORELAI: I think sheís ready to go the ghetto on you.

RORY: Well, I donít have a problem with her. Sheís really nice. And you know once --

LORELAI: -- she bought you a magnet shaped like Mark Twainís head. Yes, Iíve heard the anecdote.

RORY: Sorry.

LORELAI: I think she should just mellow. I mean, youíve both moved on, whatís the problem?

FRED LARSON AS POE: [reciting]"...but the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust spoke only that one word..."

LORELAI: I donít remember "The Raven" being this long.

RORY: It couldíve used some editing.

LORELAI: Hey, did you put Yale drama school in the pro list?

RORY: Nope.

LORELAI: Come on. Do it or weíll forget.

RORY: I donít have a pen.

LORELAI: Oh jeez. Hey, psst! Hi, Nicole.

NICOLE: Hi, Lorelai.

LUKE: How long is this thing?

LORELAI: Heís got at least five "nevermores" to go.

LUKE: Oh jeez.

LORELAI: Do you got a pen?

LUKE: No.

LORELAI: Cough it up.

LUKE: I donít have a pen.

LORELAI: Youíve got a restaurant. Whereís the pen you take orders with with?

LUKE: I wasnít anticipating taking orders at the Poe reading.

LORELAI: There goes your Boy Scout badge.

RORY: Oh, mom! [Fred Larson as Poe is glaring at them]

FRED LARSON AS POE: [resumes reciting] "...take they beak from out my heart....and take thy..."

LORELAI: Busted by a Poe.

RORY: Hope he doesnít put a curse on us.

LORELAI: Or complain when goes back to being Fred Larson, Tampa dentist.

NICOLE: Hey Lorelai. [hands her a pen]

LORELAI: Oh! Youíre an angel.

NICOLE: Thanks. Iíll need it back.

LORELAI: Yeah, sure.

RORY: Looks like Nicoleís got a little Lindsay attitude.

LORELAI: Not really. Really?

MISS PATTY: Hey, how many "nevermores" you think heís got to go?

LORELAI: Weíre guessing four.

MISS PATTY: Poor Edgar Allen Poe. He suffered so much. And now we gotta suffer along with him.

RORY: "Yale drama, " got it.

MISS PATTY: Rory, why do you waste your time on those pro/con lists? Itís going to be Harvard, we all know it.

RORY: I know.

LORELAI: If the list says it is.

RORY: Right.

MISS PATTY: When you were six and took my cheerleading class, you wouldnít even cheer for any other school than Harvard.

RORY: Thatís true. That is true.

LORELAI: Well then, the list will reflect it.

FRED LARSON AS POE: [reciting] "and my soul from out that shadow, that lies floating on the floor, shall be lifted nevermore!"

LORELAI: Oh, excellent.

GENERAL AUDIENCE: Bravo. bravo.

RORY: very nice.

POE SOCIETY HOSTESS: That was wonderful, wasnít it? Thank you very much for that rendition; thank you.

LORELAI: Whatís with the Poes?

RORY: They look upset.

MISS PATTY: Want to hear the scoop?

RORY: Please.

MISS PATTY: I was here when they both arrived. They got their signals crossed. They were supposed to perform different things, but both came to do "The Raven."

LORELAI: If the Poes start fighting, does that punch a hole into the space-time continuum--

RORY: --and throw us into a universe where everything is the exact opposite of what it is here?

LORELAI: Cool! Thereíd be funny sticoms there.

POE SOCIETY HOSTESS: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you. Itíll allow you to compare and contrast interpretations of Poeís most famous work.

RORY: Oh no!

LORELAI: Compare and contrast?

RORY: That can only mean --

POE SOCIETY HOSTESS: Please enjoy this second recitation of "The Raven."

LORELAI: Do we bolt?

RORY: Do we dare?

LORELAI: At least if Iíd brought a flask, we couldíve played the "nevermore" drinking game.

RORY: Maybe this is what drove p to the bottle.

LORELAI: His own work.

SECOND POE: [reciting] "once, upon a midnight dreary..... "

LORELAI: [as Nicole and Lindsay both give the girls suspicious looks] Weird vibe in here. Very Poe.

RORY: Very Poe.

[Outside, after the reading]

RORY: Well, that was pretty good.

LORELAI: Oh, come on. You can't do that thing where you complain, then when you walk out, you reassess based on the relief you're feeling that it's over.

RORY: Well, I was able to compare and contrast between readings.

LORELAI: I was able to nap for 20 minutes.

FRED LARSON AS POE: Good evening, ladies.

LORELAI: Oh, hi, Poe.

RORY: Good job in there.

FRED LARSON AS POE: Thank you. Young miss, do correct me, but I heard tell that you are considering attending Harvard University.

RORY: I am.

FRED LARSON AS POE: I, myself, attended West Point. I am embarrassed to say that I was court-martialed in 1832 and forced to leave.

SECOND POE: Excuse me, but I was expelled from West Point in 1831, not 1832.

FRED LARSON AS POE: No, I do believe it was 1832. It was an election year.

SECOND POE: It was not an election year. President Jackson was to serv five more years.

FRED LARSON AS POE: Iím sure it was 1832, sad to say it was the same year my older brother, William, passed away.

SECOND POE: Thatís not right either, Fred!

FRED LARSON AS POE: I donít know this Fred you speak of.

SECOND POE: Oh, knock it off. Iím tired. [both leave]

RORY: Oh...Poes are very testy people.

KIRK: [hawking] Get your brand new topical T-shirts here, people.

LORELAI: Whatís this one say?

RORY: [reads] "Faux Poes Foes."

LORELAI: Very clever, Kirk.

KIRK: It was an inspiration. But theyíre not selling much better than the "Babette ate oatmeal" shirts.

LORELAI: Keep the dream, Kirk.

DEAN: Hi guys.

RORY: Oh, hi. Mom, this is Lindsey.

LINDSEY: Hi.

LORELAI: Hi! Itís the Mark Twain magnet head girl!

LINDSEY: The what?

LORELAI: You donít know the anecdote? Youíre the star.

LINDSEY: The anecdote?

RORY: Itís nothing really. It was the field trip we took to Mark Twainís house in the fourth grade. I wanted this magnet, you lent me the money, I got the magnet.

LORELAI: She usually tells it better.

LINDSEY: I kind of remember.

DEAN: So, uh, congratulations on Harvard.

RORY: Oh, yeah, thanks!

DEAN: I got into Southern Connecticut State.

RORY: Oh, thatís great!

LORELAI: It is! Thatís great, Dean.

RORY: Youíre... youíre... wow!

DEAN: Yeah, thanks.

LINDSEY: Iíve gotta get home.

DEAN: And Iíve gotta take her, so, Iíll see you guys.

LORELAI: See ya.

RORY: Bye.

LORELAI: So you say she was nice?

RORY: "Was," I guess, being the operative word. So, we going?

LORELAI: No, you go on ahead. Iíll catch up.

RORY: OK. Try to make it home in time for Charlie Rose. Billy Joelís on and he might cry or something.

LORELAI: OK.

LORELAI: [to Luke, who's just walked up] So, how was Jess' Employee of the Month thing?

LUKE: Oh, it was okay.

LORELAI: Just okay?

LUKE: There was a punch.

LORELAI: So the punch wasn't good?

LUKE: No, it was just. . .the manager came up afterwards when Jess was gone and he was talking about how Jess is working 40, 45 hours a week.

LORELAI: What? That's full time.

LUKE: That's what I said.

LORELAI: How does he swing it?

LUKE: He must be pulling double shifts on the weekends. It's all I can think of.

LORELAI: No, he's pretty much duding it with Rory on the weekends.

LUKE: Well, then he must be getting up super early on weekday mornings and going in.

LORELAI: Have you ever seen him do that?

LUKE: No, but I don't trail him either.

LORELAI: Yeah, but you sleep in the same room with him.

LUKE: Oh, the manager must be getting Jess confused with somebody else.

LORELAI: Or. . .

LUKE: Or what?

LORELAI: I don't wanna say, forget it.

LUKE: No, say it, go ahead.

LORELAI: Or he's working when he should be in school.

LUKE: Impossible, no way.

LORELAI: Why?

LUKE: Because he knows the rules - he's got to graduate to stay living with me. He's going, he's getting everything done, he's doing his work.

LORELAI: You've seen this work he's doing?

LUKE: Not for awhile, but I just know that he is. No, no way he's cutting school, it's suicide, no way.

LORELAI: I shouldn't have brought it up

LUKE: That's okay.

LORELAI: Okay.

LUKE: Good night.

[The second Poe is leaving; Kirk approaches him]

KIRK: Say, how can I have a career as a Poe?

SECOND POE: It's not a career, this is just an event that we do. I write technical manuals for a living.

KIRK: Yes, but how can I have a career as a Poe?

[Cut to Lorelai's House, later that evening]

[Rory walks into Lorelai's bedroom with a phone]

RORY: Mom. Mom, wake up.

LORELAI: What?

RORY: Mom, it's Tobin at the inn, something's wrong.

LORELAI: What's wrong?

RORY: The fire alarm's going off.

LORELAI: That stupid alarm. It's always doing that. Tell him if he doesn't smell smoke, to reset it, and tell him he's fired and I'm gonna kick his ass around the lobby for waking me up.

RORY: He sounds freaked.

LORELAI: [on phone] Tobin, what?. . .Oh my God. . .Okay. [to Rory] Get dressed.

RORY: What is it?

LORELAI: Get dressed! Get dressed!

[Cut to Inn]

[Pan over a fire engine; lights are flashing; guests are standing in bathrobes]

CHIEF BAKER: [on mobile phone] We've got the first engine laddering the roof. First engine. And we need PD for traffic control.

[Lorelai and Rory arrive]

SOOKIE: Lorelai, thank God.

LORELAI: Hey, what's going on?

SOOKIE: [to Chief] This is Lorelai Gilmore.

LORELAI: What's going on?

CHIEF BAKER: In a minute, ma'am.

RORY: Yeah, Mom, let him do his thing.

LORELAI: You're right. Sookie, Michel, is everyone out?

MICHEL: Yes.

LORELAI: Are you sure?

MICHEL: Yes.

SOOKIE: Yes. We're sure, the fire department's sure, we did a headcount.

LORELAI: We need to double-check, triple-check. Julio! He doesn't start until 6 but sometimes he comes in early because his sister-in-law Rita gives him a ride on her way to work in Salisbury.

SOOKIE: Oh! [points to Julio]

LORELAI: [hugging Julio] Julio, Julio. I'm so glad to see you, you beautiful man.

CHIEF BAKER: [to Lorelai] Ma'am, I'm Chief Baker.

LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry I jumped on you.

CHIEF BAKER: That's okay. The good news is that this is almost out. The structure's stable, and you're probably going to be able to get back in, in about 24 hours.

LORELAI: Excellent. Twenty-four hours, the structure's stable, thank you.

CHIEF BAKER: That's okay.

LORELAI: The statue of you is going up just as soon as we get back in. Eighty feet tall.

CHIEF BAKER: I'm looking forward to it.

LORELAI: Here we go guys, phase two.

SOOKIE: Loving the pace here.

LORELAI: We need food, we need computers with Internet, we need phones. Michel, I need you on this, stat. Hurry, hurry! Rory?

RORY: Yeah?

LORELAI: Help the guests with kids; make sure they're not freaked out. Gather them up and entertain them for a while so the adults can catch their breath.

RORY: Right. [pause] I have never entertained kids - how do I do that?

LORELAI: Take your socks off and do a puppet show.

RORY: You've clearly never entertained kids either.

LORELAI: It's all I can think of. Get cracking.

RORY: Yes, ma'am.

LORELAI: [to guests] Hi, everybody. Good morning, and whoa, talk about your change of plans, here. Unfortunately, you can't get your stuff out for at least a day. However, if you want to get home immediately, we will check planes, trains, whatever you need. We will send your stuff to you later as soon as we get it. But if you can't get home yet, we will provide everything, short of anything illegal, and that's going to start with the best breakfast of your lives. [to Sookie] Sookie, go to the market and get whatever food and supplies we need for breakfast.

SOOKIE: Going.

[Sookie exits. Lorelai approaches Michel, talking on his cel phone]

LORELAI: Hey, who are you on with?

MICHEL: The Cheshire Cat Inn.

LORELAI: Great, finding people places to sleep. Excellent. [exits]

MICHEL: [on phone] Yes, my name is Michel Gerard, I used to work at the Independence Inn and I was wondering if there were any positions available.

[Lorelai walks up, takes his phone away]

MICHEL: Phones, computer, I'm on it.

[Cut to Luke's Diner]

[Lorelai, Sookie and guests enter]

SOOKIE: Morning.

LUKE: What? What is this?

SOOKIE: Phase two.

LUKE: Phase two?

SOOKIE: Into the back, guys. March!

[Inn cooks rush with packages into Luke's kitchen]

LUKE: Hold on! Those guys can't go back there.

LORELAI: We're in luck, lots of empty tables. Go on and take your seats, guys.

LUKE: Lorelai, what is this?

LORELAI: We had a fire.

LUKE: Fire, where?

SOOKIE: Weston's Bakery.

LUKE: You're kidding.

SOOKIE: They'll have fresh blueberries.

LORELAI: Perfect. Weston's, hurry.

LUKE: Where. . .Weston's caught fire?

LORELAI: No, the inn.

LUKE: Your inn?

SOOKIE: Just move all of Luke's stuff aside, we don't need it.

LUKE: Hey, wait a minute.

LORELAI: Everyone's fine, the inn's still standing, we're into phase two.

LUKE: What is phase two?

SOOKIE: Just shove it aside.

LUKE: What are you doing?

SOOKIE: Making breakfast.

LUKE: You can't make breakfast here.

SOOKIE: Got any plates that aren't cracked?

LUKE: You're the one that's cracked.

SOOKIE: Nice thing to say to a pregnant woman.

LUKE: You're pregnant?

LORELAI: Could you be any farther behind?

SOOKIE: Caesar! Help my guys and there's a twenty in it for you.

LUKE: We both can't be making different stuff at the same time.

LORELAI: You know, you're right. Listen, all you people who were here before we invaded, are you willing to cancel your current orders for Sookie's famous blueberry-lemon pancakes, Belgian waffles or Bananas Foster?

GUEST 1: Sure.

GUEST 2: Sounds good.

SOOKIE: Okay, pull all of Luke's stuff off the grill and let's get cooking!

LUKE: I'm an island.

LORELAI: Luke, I'm sorry about all this, but I'm not anticipating the inn catching fire ever again, so it's a one time only thing, okay?

LUKE: Like I have a choice?

LORELAI: You do. Say the word and we go.

LUKE: Stay, cook, eat. I'll be upstairs.

LORELAI: You're a doll.

SOOKIE: No, get rid of it! Dump it, dump it! I don't want to see it!

[Cut to Town Square]

[Rory is giving a puppet show for a few children. Lorelai approaches]

RORY: "Where are you going? I told you to take out the garbage!" "Nag, nag, nag. I wanna watch football and sit in my reclining chair." "Get back here or I'm gonna get you. . ." [sees Lorelai] Oh, hey, guys, hold on a second.

BOY: No, keep going.

RORY: Oh, calm down there, little scooter. I'll be right back.

[Rory walks over to Lorelai]

LORELAI: Hey Shari Lewis, how's the show going?

RORY: They're riveted.

LORELAI: Good.

RORY: Yeah, but I stink. I keep repeating the same stuff over and over again.

LORELAI: Must be working.

RORY: But I named them Mr. and Mrs. Sock Puppet. I put no energy into this.

BOY: Come back, Rory.

RORY: You would think that a lame-o sock puppet show would bore them to tears.

LORELAI: It's your narrative skills. I mean, is he going to take the garbage out, is he not going to take the garbage out? I'm on the edge of my seat.

RORY: Yeah, but they won't let me stop and I have to get to school eventually.

LORELAI: Okay. [to kids] Hey, guys, go on over to the diner, and have breakfast with your families, and then ask the nice man in the baseball hat and the flannel shirt to do sock puppets for you. And if he says no, just ask him louder - it's part of the game!

BOY: Oh boy!

LORELAI: Go!

[kids run toward the diner, cheering]

RORY: You're cruel and they love you.

LORELAI: Come check in at Patty's with me.

[Cut to Miss Patty's]

[Michel, Babette, and Miss Patty sit at a table with computer, phone, etc.]

BABETTE: I love computers, I just know nothing about Ďem. What does pushing that F3 button do?

MICHEL: Annoy me to no end.

BABETTE: What about the F4?

[phone rings]

MISS PATTY: [answers] Hello, this is the Independence Inn emergency headquarters. I'm Miss Patty, I'll be assisting you today. How may I help you? [pause] The printer will be here in half an hour, I'll let him know. Thank you. Goodbye. [hangs up] The printer will -

MICHEL: I heard, and you've got to shorten your greeting.

MISS PATTY: What?

MICHEL: You do not need to recite the Gettysburg Address every time you answer the phone.

MISS PATTY: I was Ricardo Montalban's receptionist for six months and he never complained.

MICHEL: Who?

MISS PATTY: Don't make me hit you.

[Lorelai and Rory enter]

LORELAI: You all set up here?

MICHEL: Computer with Internet, phones forwarded here, printer on the way.

MISS PATTY: I'm the receptionist.

BABETTE: And I'm learning the computer.

MICHEL: And I'm looking for my cyanide capsule - have you seen it?

LORELAI: It's nice of you to help guys, thanks. Now, at least half the Poe group needs to stay another night, so we're going to need to find places to put them up.

MICHEL: Everything is booked.

LORELAI: You checked the Cheshire Cat, the Maiden's Teacup, the Cookie House, the Sugarbear Inn?

MICHEL: Every place that sounds like Glinda the Good Witch threw up, yes; all booked.

LORELAI: Well, then, we're going to have to take people in.

MISS PATTY: Well, I can take a couple in, sweetie.

BABETTE: I can, too. We got cots. Hoo-hoo-hoo, we got cots!

LORELAI: Great. Michel?

MICHEL: Forget it. The Poes are weird. I'd fear being killed in my sleep. Plus, I don't like strangers using my toilet.

BABETTE: I bet the Kims could put people up. And Taylor. And Al.

LORELAI: And we've got our couch and my room.

RORY: Nope.

LORELAI: What?

RORY: They can have my room, not yours.

LORELAI: No, hon, mine's fine.

RORY: Mom, no, mine. You are stressed out enough without losing your room. You need your rest, so you keep your bed. Period.

LORELAI: I'll look selfish.

RORY: Well, if anyone calls you that, I'll kick their sorry butts.

LORELAI: Okay, your room -- under protest.

BABETTE: Hey Michel, I just hit F4 and the num lock key and the one with the little apple on it and it's freaking out like it's on acid or something.

MICHEL: Oy vey.

[phone rings]

MISS PATTY: I got it. [answers] Yeah?

MICHEL: Well, you need to say more than that.

MISS PATTY: Well, make up your mind.

RORY: I've got to go, but page me if there's any news or anything.

LORELAI: Okay. You mean, like if Michel kills Babette and then Patty then himself in a bizarre murder-murder-suicide pact?

RORY: Amongst other things.

[they hug]

LORELAI: We had a fire.

RORY: I know. Bye.

[Cut to Chilton]

TEACHER: It'll be the last midterm of your high school careers, so rejoice over that if nothing else. [bell rings] Now, before you go, I just want to mention that it looks like another banner year for Chilton grads seeking top colleges. I want to congratulate all of those who have heard, and advise patience for all of you who have not. No one has escaped from Chilton without going onto another terrific school if that is his or her goal.

LOUISE: Good to hear.

TEACHER: And I know that at least one of you has been accepted to Harvard. It's an immense honor, that. Congratulations.

[students start to leave]

RORY: Have you guys heard from Paris?

MADELINE: Heard what?

RORY: Anything?

LOUISE: She's not here?

RORY: She's been gone for five days.

MADELINE: Didn't notice.

LOUISE: Although, it did seem like there was a lot more air in here.

[Cut to Paris's bedroom]

[Paris is watching TV in bed. Someone knocks on the door]

PARIS: Come back for the tray later, Nanny.

RORY: It's not Nanny, Paris. It's Rory. Can I come in?

PARIS: I guess.

[Rory enters]

RORY: Hi. I brought a bunch of school stuff from the past few days. If there's anything missing, I can bring it over later.

PARIS: Thank you. No offense, but my soap's starting.

RORY: So, you're sick, huh?

PARIS: You know what's wrong. You of all people. That's Martin. His sister-in-law got kidnapped and he thinks his former lover is behind it.

RORY: Juicy.

PARIS: So, don't you have an announcement?

RORY: What do you mean?

PARIS: Did you get in?

RORY: You know, we don't have to. . .

PARIS: I know you did. You've got that Harvard glow about you, the glow of destiny.

RORY: Paris.

PARIS: Just tell me.

RORY: I got in.

PARIS: Ugh, Amanda and Richard. I'm so over them.

RORY: So you've been incommunicado lately.

PARIS: I've had Nanny hold all my calls, and the mail. My parents are away, so I've been totally Howard Hughes-ing it.

RORY: So did you tell them about Harvard?

PARIS: No.

RORY: Don't you think you should?

PARIS: No.

RORY: Well, don't you think they'll find out?

PARIS: How?

RORY: Well, you not moving out might be a tipoff.

PARIS: I'll get an apartment in Cambridge, buy a Harvard sweatshirt, talk about Mira Sorvino a lot. It's doable. I did tell my mother about having sex with Jamie, and her only reaction was to talk about how my father hasn't pleased her in fifteen years.

RORY: Yikes.

PARIS: Like I couldn't tell.

RORY: And what's going on with your boyfriend?

PARIS: I haven't called him either.

RORY: So the only people in your life right now work at "General Hospital"?

PARIS: This isn't"General Hospital." I don't deserve "General Hospital."

RORY: Okay, you've got to stop doing this.

PARIS: What happened? Harvard was my destiny. I was flipping through Harvard class schedules when you were still delighting to "The Adventures of Gumby and Pokie."

RORY: I was more of a Pee Wee Herman kind of gal.

PARIS: It's partly my parents' fault; they didn't brand me properly. I should've been at the 92nd Street Y, or Brick Church.

RORY: Prep schools?

PARIS: Pre-schools. It decides everything. But I'm not totally blameless. I found a spot in my interview that I'm sure doomed me.

RORY: You recorded your Harvard interview?

PARIS: The plan was to archive everything, then donate it to the university upon my demise. Little did I expect that my demise would come this early. [she starts a tape recorder]

PARIS'S VOICE: ". . .shouldn't even be taken into account. This dovetails nicely into my feelings about population control. It's a little hot in here, can we do something about that? Anyway, population control has been dramatically successful in most European countries to the detriment of some, especially Italy, which is experiencing a marked drop -- "

INTERVIEWER'S VOICE: "Do you think this has anything to do with - "

PARIS'S VOICE: "Whoa, whoa, just let me finish my thought here!"

INTERVIEWER'S VOICE: "But Paris. . . "

PARIS'S VOICE: "Please!"

[Paris stops the recorder]

RORY: Well, you said "please" -- that's very polite.

PARIS: I sound like a meth addict. I might as well record the new Justin Timberlake over this.

RORY: I hate that you're torturing yourself like this, in bed like this.

PARIS: Proust wrote all three thousand pages of "In Search of Lost Time" in bed. If it's good enough for him. [Rory turns off the TV] Hey!

RORY: Bed is not a life plan, and you, my friend, need a life plan, so here it is. You need to tell your parents about Harvard. You need to start taking calls from people. You need to check the mail so that you can see the other millions of universities that have no doubt accepted you and that are probably dying to be in the Paris Gellar business. You need to call your boyfriend back because he's going to be worried about you and because none of this is his fault, and you need to start by getting the hell out of bed.

PARIS: You did not just say "be in the Paris Gellar business."

RORY: You know what I meant.

PARIS: There is no alternative to Harvard.

RORY: Except Princeton, Yale, Columbia, Stanford, Sarah Lawrence, etc., etc.

PARIS: Well, maybe you're right.

RORY: I'm unquestionably right.

PARIS: But I'm not jumping up this second.

RORY: You don't have to rush it.

PARIS: And I'm going to have to keep watching this, at least until Adriana's wrongful conviction for aggravated assault is overturned.

RORY: I understand.

PARIS: Thanks.

[Cut to Lorelai's House]

LORELAI: [to a boy on the living room sofa] You've got your remote, your water, your comic books. Looks like we've got you all set up here, Fred Junior.

FRED JR: Yes, ma'am.

LORELAI: Oh, ma'am. You make me feel old. Stop it.

FRED JR: Yes, ma'am.

LORELAI: No, I mean it: Stop it.

FRED JR: Okay.

FRED: [from the staircase] I think we're out of toothpaste.

LORELAI: Oh, sorry, Fred. Below the sink. There's plenty more.

FRED: Thank you. This is kind of fun.

LORELAI: Well, it's fun having you guys.

[She walks to Rory's room. Rory's making the bed]

LORELAI: I would've done that.

RORY: I feel weird now.

LORELAI: Why?

RORY: About other people sleeping in my bed.

LORELAI: Oh, honey, don't worry. Fred and his wife don't seem. . .

RORY: Don't seem what?

LORELAI: Like they're feeling extremely romantic.

RORY: Oh, God, that didn't even cross my mind.

LORELAI: You're kidding! That's all I would've thought of.

RORY: Well, I'm thinking about it now, thank you very much.

LORELAI: Got all your stuff for Lane's?

RORY: Yeah, it wasn't a hard packing job.

[Lorelai looks at some papers]

LORELAI: Wow, these have really changed.

RORY: What have?

LORELAI: The pro/con lists. In all the hubbub, they slipped my mind. Yale.

RORY: What about it?

LORELAI: Yale.

RORY: What do you mean?

LORELAI: Yale.

RORY: Stop saying Yale.

LORELAI: It has double the pro's of the other two.

RORY: I wouldn't say double.

LORELAI: Triple over filthy, dirty Princeton. It's kicking butt.

RORY: But I'm not done collecting my data yet.

LORELAI: You have a document the length of "Nicholas Nickleby" here. Looks like you're done.

RORY: But. . .

LORELAI: What?

RORY: Look at my wall.

LORELAI: So?

RORY: So that wall says something.

LORELAI: Yeah, it says the Harvard merchandising department made a nice chunk of change off of us.

RORY: But how can I go to Yale with my wall looking like this?

LORELAI: It's a wall. Look, honey, Luke was right. The pro/con lists have to come to an end eventually.

RORY: But Luke also reminded us that it was supposed to be Harvard regardless of a list. Everyone thinks that.

LORELAI: I don't. I don't. I know I'm the one who said no to Yale loudly and a lot, but not anymore. Really, I just want what's right.

RORY: I know, but it has to be right for both of us.

LORELAI: If it's right for you, it's really right for me.

RORY: But I don't want you to hate the place I'm going.

LORELAI: Never.

[Fred and his wife arrive]

FRED: Oh...are you not ready for us yet?

LORELAI: Oh, no, we're ready for you, Fred.

FRED: We hate to put you out.

RORY: No, it's perfectly okay.

LORELAI: I'm guessing you two are going to fall sound asleep the minute your heads hit that pillow.

FRED: Oh yeah, we're exhausted.

RORY: Have a good night.

LORELAI: Yeah, guys, yell if you need anything. [under her breath] I don't wanna hear you yelling for any other reason.

RORY: Shh!

[Lorelai and Rory stop in the kitchen]

LORELAI: So where's Jess tonight?

RORY: Working.

LORELAI: He works a lot, doesn't he?

RORY: He's saving a lot, too.

LORELAI: Good.

RORY: He wants a better car. The one he's got keeps stalling.

LORELAI: And he's still working at Luke's, too, right?

RORY: Yeah.

LORELAI: So is he down to part-time at school?

RORY: What do you mean?

LORELAI: Getting work credit or something?

RORY: No, he's going full time.

LORELAI: Oh yeah?

RORY: Why do you say that?

LORELAI: I don't know. It's just...Wal-Mart, working at Luke's, squiring you around town. . .it just seems like a lot of his time's accounted for.

RORY: Well, that's crazy. He's a senior, he's going to school full time.

LORELAI: Just wondering.

RORY: Rest.

LORELAI: I'll try.

RORY: And don't start the sock puppets with Fred Junior or he'll never let you stop. Bye.

LORELAI: Bye.

[Rory exits; the doorbell rings]

LORELAI: Excitement here never stops, Fred Junior.

[Lorelai opens the door]

MR. HATLESTAD: Hi there.

LORELAI: The Hatlestads, hi. I thought you went home.

MR. HATLESTAD: Well, breakfast was so great and the town's so nice, and you made staying over sound so fun, that we decided to take you up on it.

LORELAI: Oh!

MR. HATLESTAD: Is that okay?

LORELAI: It's more than okay! Come on in, Ďcause you're staying here.

MR. HATLESTAD: Thank you.

LORELAI: Your bedroom's right upstairs, you can't miss it.

MR. HATLESTAD: Terrific, thanks. [they head upstairs]

LORELAI: How much room you take up on that couch there, Fred Junior?

FRED JR: Pretty much all of it.

LORELAI: That's what I figured.

[Cut to Kim's Antiques]

[Rory and Lane are on cots amid the merchandise]

RORY: So, who do you have staying in your room?

LANE: The second Poe and his wife.

RORY: Well, for your sake, I hope they are very, very tired.

LANE: Why?

[cell phone rings]

RORY: Nothing. I shouldn't have said anything. [on phone] Hello?

LORELAI: I'm a nomad.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: I am the lonely wanderer. Hank Williams would be too sad to write a song about me.

RORY: Where are you?

LORELAI: Oh, I'm a Bedouin. I'm homeless!

RORY: Okay, stop with that. Where are you?

LORELAI: I'm walking aimlessly around town.

RORY: Why?

LORELAI: The Hatlestads showed up.

RORY: But they went home.

LORELAI: Apparently I made the whole emergency fire accommodations sound so fun that they had second thoughts.

RORY: You're a terrific salesman.

LORELAI: And a terrific idiot.

RORY: So where are you right this second?

LORELAI: Oh, I'm in the middle of the street, AKA my bedroom.

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: I'm by the school, Luke's, that area.

RORY: Luke's, good. Go there.

LORELAI: It's closed.

RORY: But Luke is upstairs.

LORELAI: Oh.

RORY: Ask him if you can stay.

LORELAI: But -

RORY: I bet the answer's yes.

LORELAI: He'll make me eat a veggie burger!

RORY: Get moving.

LORELAI: Fine. Bye.

RORY: Bye.

[Lorelai bangs on the diner door]

LORELAI: Luke! Luke! Stella!

[She throws a rock at his upstairs window. Luke opens it]

LUKE: Who is that?

LORELAI: Lorelai.

LUKE: What are you doing down there?

LORELAI: Enjoying some air, getting some exercise, and freezing.

LUKE: Well, go home.

LORELAI: Home? I have no home. Hunted, despised.

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: It's from "Ed Wood," the movie.

LUKE: Have you gone bonkers?

LORELAI: People are bunking at my place and I need somewhere to stay.

LUKE: And it just now occurred to you to look for a place?

LORELAI: The stupid Hatlestads showed up.

LUKE: Who?

[A woman next door leans out her window]

MRS. SLUTSKY: Pipe down out there!

LUKE: Go back to bed, Mrs. Slutsky!

MRS. SLUTSKY: Don't talk to me that way, young man!

LORELAI: Throw your keys down.

MRS. SLUTSKY: I will not!

LORELAI: No, Luke, Mrs. Slutsky.

LUKE: I'll just come down.

MRS. SLUTSKY: Do something!

LORELAI: Ditto.

LUKE: I'm coming down.

LORELAI: Okay.

[Luke disappears.]

LORELAI: [to Mrs. Slutsky] My - my inn caught fire. [pause] Hurry, Luke.

[Cut to Kim's Antiques]

[Rory and Lane are on their cots.]

LANE: [on the phone] No, Young Chui, it was right to break up with her. Why stay in a relationship when it's not going anywhere? . . .Life's too short, exactly. . . .No, I told you a joke last night, I need more time to come up with another one. . . Look, it's getting late. I got my math test tomorrow, I better go. . .Yeah, I'll call you to tell you how it went. . . Okay, night. [hangs up]

RORY: So Young Chui and his girlfriend are broken up, huh?

LANE: Yeah, and good riddance. She was very waspy.

RORY: What about you and Young Chui? Are you broken up?

LANE: No, my mom still thinks we're the perfect young Korean couple.

RORY: Weren't you supposed to be broken up by now?

LANE: Yeah, but Young Chui thinks it isn't time yet.

RORY: Why? This is a fake relationship. You were never really going out.

LANE: I don't know. I bring it up every night and he just changes the subject.

RORY: You talk every night?

LANE: Pretty much. He's a little needy right now.

RORY: That's a lot of talking.

LANE: Well, we're friends.

RORY: Just friends?

LANE: What are you getting at?

RORY: Just that he's calling you every night and he keeps putting off your breakup, so God knows when you'll be able to date Dave Rygalski. He's asking you to tell him jokes and to let him know how your math test went. . .

LANE: So?

RORY: So, it sounds like he's in love with you.

LANE: No. No! Young Chui is not in love with me. And it's not for you to take an innocent friendship like Young Chui and I have, with its air of innocence and its. . .innocence. Oh my God, he loves me. That stupid boy's fallen in love with me!

RORY: It's not stupid. You're a catch.

LANE: But I'm not his catch, I'm Dave's catch. I've already been caught.

RORY: You probably need to be more direct.

LANE: That fool. And I can't break up with him or my mom will never let me date. It's got to come from him. What do I do?

[Jess knocks on the window]

RORY: Just a second. [she goes to the window and opens it]

JESS: Hey.

RORY: Hey.

JESS: Bizarro day, huh?

RORY: Wouldn't want to repeat it.

JESS: The inn's still closed?

RORY: Just Ďtil tomorrow.

JESS: What caused it?

RORY: They're not sure. Something electrical, probably.

JESS: That's usually the culprit. Something the matter?

RORY: No.

JESS: Good.

RORY: So how was school?

JESS: Same ole, same ole.

RORY: You're still doing okay?

JESS: Doing my reading, writing, and 'rithmetic.

RORY: And you're still going, right?

JESS: What? Where's this coming from?

RORY: There's been speculation.

JESS: From who?

RORY: My mom asked whether you're going full-time to school.

JESS: Your mom?

RORY: Yeah.

JESS: Why's she so interested?

RORY: Because you're dating her daughter.

JESS: Oh, great, what else does she think I did? Start the fire? Put Phil Spector up to it?

RORY: I told her yes, you were going.

JESS: Well, as they say on the "Family Feud," good answer.

RORY: So, I didn't lie to her?

JESS: No.

RORY: No?

JESS: Look, don't worry, I got it under control.

RORY: Jess.

JESS: I'm going enough. I've been picking up some extra shifts here and there, but I'm fine. It's Mickey Mouse stuff anyway. What it takes the others hours to learn, it takes me minutes.

RORY: Well, if you're behind. . .

JESS: I'm not behind.

RORY: But if you get behind, I can help you catch up.

JESS: Got it covered.

RORY: If you say so.

JESS: I do.

RORY: Okay.

JESS: So how Ďbout you come out?

[Mrs. Kim walks in with a bat]

MRS. KIM: What's this?

LANE: He was just leaving, Mama.

MRS. KIM: Why is he here at all?

LANE: He came to borrow something. Here. [she grabs an object from the table and hands it to Rory, who hands it to Jess]

JESS: Thank you. [to Mrs. Kim] Baseball bat?

MRS. KIM: Cricket.

JESS: Night.

[Jess exits; Mrs. Kim locks the window]

[Cut to Luke's Apartment]

[Lorelai and Luke are making the bed.]

LUKE: Don't do that.

LORELAI: Don't do what?

LUKE: Don't pull the sheet back after I pull it. I need more for this side.

[they resume]

LUKE: You pulled it back again.

LORELAI: Okay, I need it for my side.

LUKE: I need it to tuck in.

LORELAI: Same here.

LUKE: I always tuck it in on this side.

LORELAI: Let's tuck it in on both sides.

LUKE: You tuck a bed in on both sides?

LORELAI: Yes, and then I slip down into it like I'm in a straitjacket or something.

LUKE: You must feel right at home there.

LORELAI: I so set you up for that.

LUKE: Fine, tuck it in on your side.

LORELAI: You know, I really should take the couch. Me taking the bed doesn't feel right.

LUKE: Oh, now, come on.

LORELAI: What?

LUKE: You browbeat me into giving you the bed and pretending you don't want it now isn't working.

LORELAI: I'm pretending to try to be polite.

LUKE: I'm fine with the couch. You're the one that's exhausted.

LORELAI: You know, I'm actually not.

LUKE: Really?

LORELAI: I'm, like, strangely exhilarated. I mean, as awful as what happened today was, I'm happy with how I handled it. You know, you never know how you're going to react in situations like this until something happens, and I think I did pretty well.

LUKE: Yeah, I do, too.

[phone rings]

LUKE: [answers] Hello? . . .oh, hey, Nicole, hi. . .Yeah, I'm good. . . Oh, not much. There was a fire at the local inn out here and. . .Yeah, the one she works at, yeah. . .Everybody's fine. Yeah, just a lot of chaos for awhile. So how was your thing today? . . . All right, fill me in tomorrow. . . Seven's good. . .Okay. . . Okay, yeah. . .Goodnight. [hangs up] That was Nicole.

LORELAI: So I heard. Why didn't you tell her I was here?

LUKE: Didn't come up.

LORELAI: You mean, she didn't out of the clear blue and for no reason ask you if I was sleeping over?

LUKE: Just didn't seem necessary.

LORELAI: Well, you have nothing to hide here. You just took in a refugee.

LUKE: I know there's nothing to hide. It's just that. . .you've kinda become a. . .

LORELAI: Become what?

LUKE: A sore point with me and Nicole.

LORELAI: What, how?

LUKE: Well, on our first date, I was a little nervous and I wasn't having any luck coming up with topics, so I was just kinda blabbing a lot. And then she ordered extra fries at dinner, so it reminded me of you and I told her a quick story about you and French fries, and that seemed fine. And then later, she ordered a third cup of coffee. . .

LORELAI: Oh, Luke!

LUKE: And I mentioned you and your coffee thing, and I noticed that Nicole kind of reacted a little, and ever since then, she's been a little sensitive to the issue.

LORELAI: Well, of course she is, Luke. You don't talk about another woman on a first date.

LUKE: Even if it's just a friend?

LORELAI: They don't exist.

LUKE: Come on.

LORELAI: Not on a first date.

LUKE: No other women exist on a first date, not even my mother?

LORELAI: Do you really think talking about your mother on a first date is wise?

LUKE: Not really.

LORELAI: You can maybe mention a sister, maybe. And then you move on really, really quickly.

LUKE: This is why I hate dating.

LORELAI: Well, unless you want to be Mountain Man all your life, you've got to abide by the rules and customs. Ooh, sorry, I have to get up super early tomorrow.

LUKE: No problem. What time?

LORELAI: Six.

LUKE: I get up at quarter to five every morning.

LORELAI: Why in the world would you get up that early?

LUKE: I don't know -- to run my business?

LORELAI: Well, change businesses. Ooh, wow, total dťjŗ vu.

LUKE: Really?

LORELAI: It's the alarm clock. I had a dream once that you set 18 alarm clocks to get me up, which is not a bad way to get me up.

LUKE: Where were we?

LORELAI: We were at my house. I got up, I went downstairs for coffee, and you talked to my stomach.

LUKE: Why on earth I do that?

LORELAI: Well, because I was pregnant. Twins.

LUKE: Mine?

LORELAI: What am I, dream tramp? Of course, yours.

LUKE: We were married?

LORELAI: Yeah. Did I not mention that?

LUKE: No. You know, you shouldn't drink coffee when you're pregnant.

LORELAI: True.

LUKE: It's probably why Rory's a caffeine addict.

LORELAI: Right, you're right.

LUKE: Dream go beyond that?

LORELAI: No. You talked to my stomach and then you ki. . .well, no.

LUKE: Oh, okay. Well. . .'night.

LORELAI: Yeah, 'night.

[Later in the evening, Lorelai can't sleep for Luke and Jess's snoring. She gets up and exits]

[Cut to Luke's diner, the next morning. Rory and Lorelai are alone at a table]

RORY: Luke and Sookie have worked things out.

LORELAI: There does seem to be a grudging-respect thing going on.

SOOKIE: Get the ricotta fritters started, guys. I want to serve those first.

LUKE: Hey, we making the Cajun Eggs Benedict again?

SOOKIE: I don't know, we could.

LUKE: Let's do it, it was good.

SOOKIE: Well, the Cajun was all your doing.

LUKE: Only because I knocked the cayenne pepper into your hollandaise.

SOOKIE: Hey, how do you think they invented the Reese's cup and penicillin, my friend? We can win the Nobel here.

[Jess enters]

JESS: Morning.

LUKE: You're up early.

JESS: Gotta catch me that worm. See ya.

LUKE: Where you off to?

JESS: School.

LUKE: This early?

JESS: I got a lab project going on. Me and my team are meeting early.

LUKE: Well, have a good day.

JESS: If I have a choice. [to Rory and Lorelai] Hey.

LORELAI: Good morning.

JESS: Talk to you later. [he and Rory kiss]

RORY: Later.

[Jess exits. Lorelai's cell phone rings]

LORELAI: [to Rory] By the way, your boyfriend snores.

RORY: Didn't need to know that.

LORELAI: [answers phone] Hello. . .It is?. . .Oh, I love you, I love you! . . .Thanks. [hangs up] We're open. Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please? That was Chief Baker on the phone who told me -- in that deep sexy voice of his -- that the inn is officially reopened. Fight now it's just me and the staffers, but soon, very soon, you will have your stuff back and you can go home.

FRED: Thank you, Lorelai. Listen, from our group, we want to give you this. [hands her a stuffed raven]

LORELAI: Well! That's the nicest dead bird I've ever gotten. Thanks, Fred.

SECOND POE: It's from all of us.

LORELAI: Right. Thank you, Poe Society. Coming, Sookie?

SOOKIE: I'm coming. [to Luke] Okay, you need to caramelize the hazelnuts for the brioche French toast, add some Madeira to the pear-poaching liquid and add some chives to the cream for the shirred eggs.

LUKE: Don't burn anything, got it.

RORY: I've got to change for school.

LORELAI: Go, go, we'll see you later.

SOOKIE: Let's go.

[Cut to Independence Inn]

[Lorelai and Sookie walk up to Michel and Chief Baker, waiting on the porch.]

MICHEL: Ah, here they are.

LORELAI: Hi, Michel. Hi, Chief. Don't we love our chief?

SOOKIE: I bet he can beat up all the other chiefs.

LORELAI: For sure he can.

MICHEL: Can we get on with this?

CHIEF BAKER: Let me just unlock the door here.

LORELAI: Michel, the first thing I want to do is get into all the rooms and get all the guests' stuff into the lobby and organized for them to pick up. Sookie, go to the kitchen and let me know what's what. Maybe we can open for dinner.

CHIEF BAKER: Dinner?

LORELAI: Yeah.

CHIEF BAKER: Anyone give you a heads-up about what's inside?

LORELAI: No.

CHIEF BAKER: You might want to wait Ďtil you get inside to make your plans. And go slow.

[Lorelai, Sookie and Michel enter the inn and look, dumbstruck, at the extensive damage. Only Papaya the cat seems to have survived unscathed. At Lorelai's house, Rory finds Yale paraphernalia all over her bedroom walls and on her bed, a stack of Kirk's topical T-shirts that read, "Rory's Going To Yale!"]

END


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