Written by: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Directed by: Steven Robman
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking slowly down the sidewalk]
LORELAI: Mmkay, still walking, allís good. Huh. Mmkay.
RORY: How are you?
LORELAI: I should probably keep moving.
RORY: God, my feet have never been in this much pain before.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, what about that time?
RORY: What time?
LORELAI: The time when I did the thing and your feet were . . .gotta stop.
RORY: Gotta sit.
[they sit down on a bale of hay]
RORY: Ugh. What were you saying?
LORELAI: About what?
RORY: About my feet.
LORELAI: What about your feet?
RORY: I donít know. You were talking about the thing you did to my feet.
LORELAI: What thing?
RORY: The thing that you. . .you and. . .huh?
RORY: I donít know.
LORELAI: Just an observation - you and I do not function well on a funky sleeping pattern.
RORY: I feel jet-lagged.
LORELAI: Youíve been up twenty-four hours straight.
RORY: Yes, why did I do that?
LORELAI: Because I asked you to.
RORY: And that worked?
LORELAI: At the time. I donít expect it to again.
RORY: A realist, I like that.
LORELAI: How far is Lukeís?
RORY: Itís right over there.
LORELAI: It looks far.
RORY: Very far.
LORELAI: Maybe if we concentrate really hard, our combined psychic powers will move it closer.
[they stare at the diner]
RORY: I donít think itís working.
LORELAI: Itís my fault, Iím not focusing.
RORY: Yes, that must be why we canít move a half a city block closer to us.
LORELAI: All right then, letís go. On the count of three.
[Neither of them move]
CUT TO LUKEíS DINER
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Oh my God. Thank you.
RORY: I never realized Lukeís was a hundred miles away.
LORELAI: Weíre lucky it wasnít snowing. It wouldíve been The Donner Party all over again, but with slightly better hair. Why are you sitting over there?
LORELAI: At that table.
RORY: Huh. How did I get here?
LORELAI: You sat there.
RORY: Well, this chairís very close to that chair, so you understand how I couldíve made the mistake.
LORELAI: Move over here with me.
RORY: Why donít you move over here with me?
LORELAI: Because Iím not the one who sat in the wrong chair.
RORY: I think itís a little presumptuous to assume that my chair is the wrong chair when my chair could just as easily be the right chair.
LORELAI: Because Iím the leader of the clan, the provider of the household, the alpha male, and the one whose feet just fell asleep so thereís absolutely no chance of movement.
LORELAI: Thank you. See, itís nice sitting at the corner table, isnít it?
RORY: Uh huh.
[Kirk enters the diner carrying his dance marathon trophy]
KIRK: Oh, excuse me, did my trophy bump you?
LORELAI: No, Kirk, it didnít.
KIRK: Good, because the size of it is so large that sometimes I canít judge where the exact end of it is.
LORELAI: Weíre fine, Kirk.
KIRK: Iím glad, because these shiny golden edges are actually very sharp. They could take an eye out or cause a deep gash completely unintentionally.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
KIRK: Itís almost more a weapon than a trophy.
LORELAI: Really? Can I hold it, then?
LUKE: Get out of the way, Kirk. Youíre blocking the door.
KIRK: Luke, Iíll be needing one of your larger tables this morning, since your smaller tables simply cannot accommodate the sheer size of my massive trophy.
LUKE: Put it on the floor.
KIRK: It needs its own chair.
LUKE: Itís gonna need some glue if you donít sit down pretty soon.
KIRK: Everybody hates a winner.
LORELAI: Hey, how Ďbout one person gets pancakes and one person gets eggs and then we can share?
RORY: I canít, I have to go.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? Itís -
[Rory shows Lorelai her watch]
LORELAI: [gasps] It took us thirty minutes to get here?
RORY: Lots of limping.
LORELAI: Wow, shoot. Well, at least grab a donut before you go. Hey, unh, Luke, uh, we need a couple of donuts, and, uh, some of those extra legs Heather Mills is sending over to Croatia.
LUKE: Coming right up.
[Jess walks down from upstairs]
RORY: I have to get to school.
JESS: Yeah, me too.
JESS: Bye. Bye.
[Rory leaves. Jess goes back upstairs]
LUKE: What the hell was that?
LORELAI: That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.
LORELAI: Rory and Jess are together.
LUKE: Are you serious? What about Dean?
LORELAI: Dean and Rory broke up at the dance.
LUKE: They did? I was at the dance, how come I didnít know about this?
LORELAI: Because youíre you.
LUKE: But why, what happened?
LORELAI: Jess happened.
LUKE: Wow, wow. So. . .
LUKE: Wow. Well, this is great.
LORELAI: Iíll tell Dean you said that.
LUKE: You know what I mean, Rory and Jess, Jess and Rory. I think this is great. Donít you think this is great?
LORELAI: I think Roryís seventeen and itís probably about time for a Jess.
LUKE: Look, I know Jess is a little tough sometimes, but he likes Rory and Roryís a good kid, hopefully sheíll rub off on him.
LORELAI: You know what, Iíve spent a lot of time and energy fighting the whole Jess thing. Roryís made her choice, I want her to be happy. Iím just hoping for the best at this point.
LUKE: Very romantic.
LORELAI: Says the man who yelled "Finally!" at the end of Love Story.
LUKE: Iíll get you coffee.
LORELAI: Thank you very much.
CUT TO THE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Richard are sitting at the table. Emily is standing at the doorway to the kitchen]
EMILY: Do it again, please!
[walks to her seat at the table] Iím not quite sure what other way there is to say Ďno walnuts in the saladí except to say Ďno walnuts in the salad.í
LORELAI: Mom, she just made a mistake.
EMILY: She doesnít listen, she doesnít care, she has no work ethic.
LORELAI: She has some work ethic. You made her remake the salad four times.
EMILY: I like things done correctly.
RICHARD: Preferably the first time.
EMILY: Thank you, Richard.
LORELAI: You know, Mom, in Europe, they eat the salad last and the main course first.
EMILY: Weíre not in Europe.
LORELAI: We could pretend.
EMILY: Really, Lorelai, you canít wait ten minutes for another salad? The situationís that dire?
LORELAI: Four salads ago, no, not dire. Right now itís Ďyour money for nothing and your chicks for free.í
RORY: She didnít have lunch.
RICHARD: Where are you going?
EMILY: Apparently, weíre going to be European tonight.
RICHARD: Oh, wonderful. I was getting so tired of being American day after day after day.
LORELAI: God, Iím starved.
RORY: Think about something else.
LORELAI: Like what?
RORY: Something disgusting that will take your appetite away.
LORELAI: Ari Fleischer?
RICHARD: Ari Fleischer is our nationís mouthpiece, young lady.
LORELAI: Officially not hungry now.
EMILY: Liliana will be right out with the sand dabs. Iím afraid weíre going to have to let her go, Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, if thatís how you feel, Emily.
LORELAI: Youíre firing someone over putting walnuts in a salad?
EMILY: Iím going to fire someone over putting walnuts in the salad after she was told not to put walnuts in the salad.
LORELAI: Mom, you know, if youíre not a little nicer to your help, you might find yourself in a Frank Lloyd Wright situation.
RICHARD: Frank Lloyd Wright?
EMILY: What on earth does Frank Lloyd Wright have to do with my salad?
RICHARD: And your walnuts.
LORELAI: Mrs. Wright apparently had this major problem with her help. She was very rough on them and they totally hated her. So this guy who had worked for her forever, he had finally had enough. I believe the incident was over walnuts, wasnít it, honey?
RORY: The exact cause has not been proven.
LORELAI: Anyhow, Mrs. Wright invites this whole posse of people over for dinner and theyíre all sitting around eating, and Mr. Disgruntled Servant Guy goes outside and locks all the doors and windows and douses the whole house in gasoline and sets the place on fire.
EMILY: My goodness.
LORELAI: So the house is on fire, and people are freaking out, so they run to the doors but the doors are locked, so a few of them try to get out through the windows, but Mr. Angry-Puss is standing outside with an ax hacking them to death and so they all died.
EMILY: Why on earth would you tell me that story?
LORELAI: All Iím saying is sometimes eating a walnut is preferable to getting hacked to death or set on fire during dinner.
EMILY: One of these days Iím going to make you eat in your room.
RORY: Iím going to go get myself another soda. Would anyone else like something?
LORELAI: Iíd like a big bag of walnuts, and make sure you tell her theyíre for me.
RICHARD: I believe I need a little more ice. Emily, are you fine?
EMILY: Yes, Richard, Iím fine, thank you.
[Lorelai sniffs the air]
EMILY: Oh, stop that!
CUT TO THE KITCHEN
[Rory pulls a soda out of the fridge as Richard walks in]
RICHARD: Did you find it?
RORY: Yes, I did.
RICHARD: Good, good. Ah, here we are, ice. And. . .chocolates.
RORY: Bless you.
RICHARD: So, tell me, howís it going at school?
RORY: Itís good. Itís crazy.
RICHARD: Senior year.
RICHARD: Preparing for college can be a daunting task. I remember when I was preparing for Yale.
RICHARD: I donít believe I slept the entire year. I didnít even cut my hair for two months.
RICHARD: Oh, yes, it was quite a scandal. But in the end, it was all worth it.
RICHARD: My years at Yale were absolutely the most gratifying ones of my life. Just the sheer freedom of knowing that anything I wanted to learn, I could learn right there. Plus, the history of the place, the heritage. . .my father went to Yale.
RORY: I know.
RICHARD: I also made wonderful friends there. Friends I still have today.
RORY: That must be nice.
RICHARD: Iím going to be going back there next week. Thereís going to be a little reunion of the Whiffenpoofs.
RORY: Iím sorry, the what?
RICHARD: Itís an a cappella singing group I belonged to at Yale.
RORY: A singing group?
RICHARD: A very famous singing group, actually. Like the Beatles, but with better table manners.
RORY: Iíve never heard you sing.
RICHARD: Well, Iím no Perry Como, but my shower hasnít kicked me out yet. Anyway, a group of us are going to get together at the old alma mater and have a little dinner, swap some war stories.
RORY: Sounds fun.
[the maid walks by with a tray]
MAID: Excuse me.
RORY: Uh, did you see what I just saw?
RORY: Poor Grandma.
RICHARD: Poor us. You know, you might wanna come with me next week.
RORY: Come with you where?
RICHARD: To Yale.
RICHARD: Oh, I donít mean to the dinner, that would be boring for you, but you might enjoy seeing the school.
RORY: Well -
RICHARD: Your mother could come to. It would be a fun little adventure.
RICHARD: We could drive down, have a little roadside snack, get there about noon. Have a little tour, and then the two of you girls could go off and have fun, and the old folks can have a somber little dinner. I think youíd love to see it. I certainly would love to show it to you.
RORY: Well. . .sure, Grandpa. That would be nice.
RICHARD: Wonderful. Oh, Iím thrilled. Uh, do you wanna tell your mother or shall I?
RORY: Oh, you know what, I can tell her.
RICHARD: All right, you tell her.
[the maid rushes past them again] Looks like weíre gonna need a few more of these.
CUT TO OUTSIDE THE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory walk out of the house]
LORELAI: Okay, I officially vote that we send my mother an anonymous note requesting that she never make us the sand dabs again.
RORY: Iím not sure how anonymous it would be considering she said we were the first people she ever made them for.
[they get into the car and Lorelai starts the engine]
RORY: I have to tell you something.
RORY: Grandpa talked to me tonight.
[Lorelai turns off the engine]
RORY: Whyíd you turn the car off?
LORELAI: Iím just getting the sense that I shouldnít be driving a large vehicle when you tell me this.
RORY: Itís no big deal.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RORY: Itís not.
LORELAI: Then tell me.
RORY: Okay. Um, well, Grandpa was mentioning that he and Grandma are going on a trip next week, a driving trip somewhere, and he invited me to go. And you. He invited you and me to go on a trip with him and Grandma.
LORELAI: Whereís the driving trip to?
[Lorelai gets out of the car and walks toward the porch. Rory follows her]
RORY: Mom? Mom, wait.
LORELAI: No, itís okay, I got it.
RORY: Heís going for some nostalgia thing. For a reunion of, I donít know, the Whiffenhoofs.
RORY: Not much better.
LORELAI: I totally agree.
RORY: Well, he got all sentimental and he really just wants to show me the campus. Itís no big deal.
LORELAI: Itís a huge deal.
LORELAI: Thereís a reason he wants to drag you out there, Rory. Heís manipulating you. Trust me, I know, heís a master at it.
RORY: Okay, fine, maybe he is, but he really wants me to go, I can tell. And you donít have to go. I mean, he invited you and I would really love it if you could come, but really, you can stay home. Just please donít make a big thing out of this. This doesnít have to be a fight.
RORY: We go. We look. Hi Yale. Bye Yale. Itís over. No harm, no foul.
LORELAI: How many more two-word sentences can you come up with?
RORY: You know, it doesnít have to be a total loss.
LORELAI: Look, as sheís leading me back to the car.
RORY: Iím sure you and I can figure out a fun thing to do while theyíre off at dinner, some cool road trip thing.
LORELAI: In New Haven?
RORY: Well, yeah.
LORELAI: Sweetie, have you ever been to New Haven?
LORELAI: Take a look at the coffee pot tomorrow before I clean it, thatís New Haven.
RORY: We can make it fun. It would mean a lot to the grandparents, everybody wins.
LORELAI: Rory, listen to me.
RORY: I know, I am being manipulated. This is part of Grandpaís evil plan to take over my life, abolish my free will, pull me in into the Gilmore world, dress me in pearls, and ruin my life. Did I leave anything out?
LORELAI: Mm, let me see. . . manipulate, evil plan, no free will, pearls - no, I think you about covered it. Oh, wait - did you call my father the Puppet Master?
RORY: No, I did not.
LORELAI: Always call him the Puppet Master.
RORY: I will never make that mistake again.
CUT TO LUKEíS DINER
[Luke is cleaning off a table as Kirk walks in]
KIRK: Luke, whereís your lost and found?
LUKE: Out back in the dumpster.
KIRK: I need your help. I donít know what to do. Iím shaking like a spastic colon.
LUKE: Whatís the matter, Kirk?
KIRK: My trophyís gone.
KIRK: Someone took her.
KIRK: The last time I remember seeing her, she was next to me at the movies.
LUKE: Stop calling it she.
KIRK: I retraced my steps all day and nothing. I suspect foul play.
LUKE: Foul play?
KIRK: Kidnapping, possibly.
LUKE: Well, then, I think you should go to the police, and if they mention something about staying somewhere for observation, itís just routine.
[Kirk starts to leave as Rory walks in]
RORY: Hey Kirk.
[looks into her backpack]
RORY: What are you doing?
KIRK: Where were you this morning at about ten?
RORY: At school.
KIRK: Do you have any witnesses?
KIRK: Can you get them to make a short statement?
KIRK: Oh, well, okay.
RORY: Someone took his statue again.
LUKE: Yeah, yeah.
RORY: Every year.
LUKE: Well, thereís some things in life that never let you down. So. . .
RORY: So. . .
LUKE: Itís nice to see you, Rory.
RORY: Itís nice to see you, too, Luke.
LUKE: So, table for one?
RORY: Um, Iíll just sit at the counter.
LUKE: Okay. What can I get you?
RORY: Um, I guess Iíll have a cheeseburger.
[Jess walks down from upstairs]
LUKE: Hey Jess, look whoís here - Rory.
LUKE: Okay, time to add another word. Jess, you want something to eat?
JESS: Iím not hungry.
RORY: Oh, yeah, Iím not hungry either.
LUKE: What about the burger?
RORY: Oh, well. . .could you wrap it up? Iím gonna eat it later. I actually prefer burgers after theyíve been sitting around for awhile. Letís them age.
JESS: You know, Iíve got that book upstairs.
RORY: Oh, the book we talked about?
JESS: We could go upstairs and look at it.
RORY: Look at the book, sure. Letís go upstairs and look at the book.
CUT TO LUKEíS APARTMENT
[Rory and Jess walk in]
JESS: So, here we are.
RORY: Yup, here we are. Wow, I havenít seen it since you guys redid it.
JESS: Oh yeah.
RORY: Itís bigger.
JESS: Ripping a wall down can have that effect on a room
RORY: Yeah. That part, over there.
JESS: Thatís mine.
JESS: Yeah. You want a soda?
RORY: No, Iím fine.
JESS: Okay. You sure you donít want a soda?
RORY: Yeah, Iím sure.
JESS: Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.
RORY: Take comfort in the fact that you are not doing it alone.
JESS: Okay, letís just regroup here.
RORY: Yeah, regroup.
JESS: First of all, we should try to get within, say, a foot of each other.
RORY: Okay. I think thatís about a foot.
JESS: Huh, that school of yours is really paying off.
RORY: So, now what?
JESS: Now we should. . .
RORY: Well, I think we either need to get a little closer or need to warm up.
JESS: Okay. Hi.
[they start to kiss when Luke bursts into the room]
LUKE: I got the burger.
RORY: Thank you.
LUKE: I also threw in some fries.
RORY: Fries, great. I love fries. Okay, um, Jess, thank you for. . .um, your. . .um - I gotta go.
LUKE: What was going on up here?
LUKE: Nothing? I walk in here and the two of you are like shrapnel.
JESS: Your timing is perfect, by the way. Next time Iíll hang a sock on the door.
LUKE: Hey, there will be no hanging of socks on the door in my house, do you hear me?
JESS: Relax, I was kidding.
LUKE: Oh, really? Hanging socks on doors - thatís your idea of funny.
JESS: Depending on the sock design, could be hilarious.
LUKE: Okay, thatís it, sit down.
LUKE: Itís time to lay down a few ground rules, sit. All right, first off, when she is up here, that door stays open.
JESS: Excuse me?
LUKE: You are not allowed on either end of this apartment. You are, instead, to remain here in the middle portion of the room. You may sit on the couch or on the chair, as long as you two are sitting on separate seats, i.e. when youíre on the couch, then sheís on the chair. When sheís on the couch, then youíre on the chair.
JESS: I get it, thank you.
LUKE: On weekdays, you will have her home by nine. On weekends, you will have her home by eleven. Any evidence of alcohol, cigarette smoke, or anything else that Nancy Reagan would find unacceptable and you will not be allowed near her without an adult present. Are these rules clear?
JESS: May I speak?
LUKE: If you must.
JESS: Do you want me to have you committed or would you prefer to check yourself in?
LUKE: Iím not joking here, mister.
JESS: You know youíre my guardian, not hers, right?
LUKE: You donít need a guardian.
JESS: She tried to kiss me.
JESS: She did that thing where you stretch and then you put your arm around the other personís shoulder and then you sneeze and then your hand falls and you try to grab -
LUKE: Jess, stop it.
JESS: What do you think is gonna happen?
LUKE: You know what I think is gonna happen.
JESS: No, I donít. Tell me. Tell me what Iím gonna do to her.
LUKE: Youíre not gonna do anything to her because when youíre at her place, thereís Lorelai, and when youíre here, thereís me, and when youíre out there, thereís Taylor.
JESS: Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know?
LUKE: Well, as soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, Iíll get worried. Until then, do your homework.
CUT TO LORELAIíS HOUSE
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen with a duffel bag]
LORELAI: Rory, letís move! Theyíll be here any minute.
RORY: Iíll be right there.
LORELAI: And make sure to bring an extra coat.
LORELAI: Do not ask why. Itís Gilmore road rules, trust me.
RORY: But that doesnít make any sense. Weíre only gonna be gone for one day.
LORELAI: Yeah, do me a favor, say those exact words to my mother when she shows up.
RORY: Taking the coat.
LORELAI: Now, I have been doing some research on our trip.
RORY: Oh yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah. I went to the bookstore and I found this.
[shows Rory a very thin book]
RORY: "The Best of New Haven."
RORY: Itís light.
LORELAI: Itís New Haven. Anyhow, I looked through it and it just so happens that one of the best taco places on the East Coast is ten minutes from campus.
RORY: We like tacos.
LORELAI: Yes, we do.
[reads] "You havenít had a taco until youíve spent some time at Hectorís, crisp and meaty - "
LORELAI: Thank you. "Not greasy. With homemade tortillas, it elevates this fast finger food to the level of haute cuisine."
RORY: Sounds good.
LORELAI: Yeah, so I thought maybe when Dad was busy poofing it up, we could go say hello to Hector.
RORY: I like your thinking.
LORELAI: Good. Whereís your stuff?
RORY: I put the extra coat by the door.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but whereís your stuff?
RORY: What stuff?
LORELAI: Rory, I left a list on your dresser last night.
RORY: I thought you were kidding.
LORELAI: You didnít pack?
RORY: Well -
[They walk into Roryís bedroom]
LORELAI: Rory, let me explain something to you. The way you survive a road trip with my mother is to make sure you have all your bases covered, leave nothing to chance. Never give her the opportunity to give you a thirty-minute lecture on how, if youíd brought the second bathing suit like she told you to, it wouldnít have mattered that the first oneís strap broke in a freak poolslide incident that no one, including the Amazing Kreskin, couldíve predicted, you wouldíve been covered.
RORY: I have to bring a bathing suit? Itís thirty degrees outside.
LORELAI: This was an example based on a true story. Now, get a skirt to go with this.
RORY: But Iím still confused. When are we changing?
LORELAI: Not the point.
RORY: Weíre driving, weíre walking, weíre eating tacos, and weíre driving again.
LORELAI: Check the list.
RORY: Why do I need rain boots?
LORELAI: Why are you still questioning me?
RORY: Should I bring both a rain hat and an umbrella, or will one or the other do? Forget it, stupid question.
[Lorelai finds the bracelet that Dean made for Rory on the dresser]
LORELAI: Oh wow. I guess this means there really isnít a Dean anymore, huh?
RORY: Yeah, that and it broke in the shower this morning. Though I probably wouldíve taken it off anyway.
LORELAI: Or Jess wouldíve done it for you.
RORY: What did that mean?
LORELAI: It just meant Jess wouldnít want you wearing another guyís bracelet.
RORY: Or that Jess is a thief and he wouldíve stolen it.
LORELAI: It does work on both levels, doesnít it?
RORY: So this is how itís gonna be from now on?
LORELAI: What does that mean?
RORY: You like Dean and you hate Jess.
RORY: Jess will always be the evil guy who mouthed off to you and wrecked my car and Dean will always be the perfect guy who would come over and change the water bottle.
LORELAI: Aw, I forgot about the water bottle.
LORELAI: Rory, I said nothing. I didnít mean what you thought I meant about Jess. Iím trying to be supportive about this.
RORY: How supportive?
LORELAI: Supportive. You know, go team.
RORY: Iím serious, I wanna know how itís gonna be. Like, can I invite him over?
LORELAI: Of course you can invite him over.
RORY: Well, can he actually come into the house?
LORELAI: Yes, he can come into the house.
RORY: Are you going to talk to him?
LORELAI: Oh my God.
RORY: Are you going to talk to him?
LORELAI: Iíll at least match him grunt for grunt.
RORY: Okay. Now, letís say heís in the house and thereís a fire, and you can either save him or your shoes - which is it?
LORELAI: That depends - did he start the fire?
LORELAI: Rory, I promised you before and Iím promising you again, I will cut this kid all kinds of slack. Did I like Dean? Yes. Did I worry about you less when you were with Dean? Yes. But I never expected you to be with Dean forever, just like I donít expect you to be with Jess forever.
RORY: Oh, so now youíre just waiting for the day Iím not with Jess anymore, is that it?
LORELAI: You know what, Iím actually looking forward to my mother getting here.
RORY: Iím kidding and thank you.
LORELAI: Youíre annoying, and youíre welcome. [doorbell rings] Let the games begin.
CUT TO THE FRONT DOOR
[Emily and Richard are standing on the porch]
EMILY: Your drivers have arrived.
RORY: Hi Grandma, hi Grandpa.
RICHARD: Hello Rory, hello Lorelai. What a perfect day for a drive.
LORELAI: Sure is.
EMILY: You brought an umbrella?
RORY: And a rain cap.
RICHARD: Here, let me help you with those.
[As they walk to the car, Emily notices Lorelai is carrying a coffee travel mug]
EMILY: Where are you going with that?
LORELAI: To the car.
EMILY: You canít have that in the car.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: Well, then, what are you doing with it?
LORELAI: Walking it.
LORELAI: Mom, I know I canít have it in the car. It will not be in the car.
RICHARD: Is that everything?
LORELAI: Yes, I think so.
RICHARD: All right, then. Letís get this show on the road.
[Lorelai gets in the back seat and holds the mug out the window]
EMILY: Now letís see you drink it.
[Lorelai sticks her head out the window and takes a sip]
LORELAI: Mm, good to the last drop.
EMILY: You stay that way until itís gone.
LORELAI: Aye, aye, captain.
EMILY: Letís go Richard.
RICHARD: All right-y.
[Richard pulls away while Lorelai drinks her coffee out the window]
CUT TO YALE UNIVERSITY
[The four of them are walking through the campus]
LORELAI: Wow, does that guy look smart. I mean it, heís got the smart look down. The glasses, the furrowed brow, the ticky walk.
RORY: The Kierkergaard.
LORELAI: I really think itís the walk.
RORY: Well, we are at Yale, you know. There are smart people here.
LORELAI: I know there are smart people here. I just didnít realize how many. I bet if I pulled my checkbook out now, twelve guys could help me balance it.
RICHARD: Thirteen if you were near the right building.
RORY: Grandpa, that art gallery was amazing. Thank you.
RICHARD: Yale has one of the finest collections of British art in the world.
LORELAI: Louvre, schmouvre.
RICHARD: Oh, I spent a lot of time in that gallery as a young man.
EMILY: Iíll say you did.
LORELAI: What was that ĎIíll say you didí?
EMILY: I just remember that that gallery was one of your fatherís favorite places to bring the ladies.
EMILY: Itís where you took me on our first date.
LORELAI: So, Dad liked to impress Ďem with the paintings.
RICHARD: Why did you bring this up?
EMILY: He was a master of the frown, step back, wrinkle and sigh.
LORELAI: The what?
EMILY: Frown. Step back. Wrinkle. And sigh.
RICHARD: I did no such thing.
EMILY: And then heíd talk about the paintings he had seen in Paris and the colors of Titian, and by the end of the date, you thought he was the most brilliant man in the entire world.
LORELAI: Using Titian to score. Even Titian didnít do that.
RICHARD: You shouldnít tell them this. Theyíll think I was some kind of lothario.
EMILY: Well, you were.
RICHARD: I was just a young single man who wanted to experience life.
LORELAI: Donít ever fall for that line.
RORY: I promise.
RICHARD: You know, Emily, you werenít such an innocent little doe lost in the woods yourself.
EMILY: I beg your pardon?
LORELAI: Theyíre turning on each other, I love it.
RICHARD: Iíll have you know, I was happily involved in a very serious relationship when your mother decided she simply had to have me.
EMILY: Oh, the size of your ego, I swear.
RICHARD: Linny Lott.
EMILY: That mouse?
RICHARD: Oh, that mouse and I were engaged.
EMILY: Oh, you were not.
RICHARD: Iíd given her my pin, Iíd introduced her to my parents.
RICHARD: The date was set, invitations mailed out.
EMILY: Well, you couldnít marry Linny Lott. That woman needed directions to get to a point.
EMILY: Richard Gilmore, you are going to give these girls the wrong impression.
RORY: What impression is that, Grandma?
LORELAI: That you were the Helena Bonham Carter of the society set?
EMILY: I did not steal your grandfather, I simply gave him a choice.
RICHARD: When you showed up at my fraternity party in that blue dress, I had no choice.
LORELAI: You stole my father with fashion.
EMILY: I canít believe you remember the dress.
LORELAI: I canít believe you were the other woman.
EMILY: Oh, this is ridiculous.
LORELAI: Another woman should be saying this is ridiculous.
EMILY: Will you stop?
[they stop next to a trash can]
RICHARD: Well. . .
EMILY: Well what?
RICHARD: You mean you donít remember?
EMILY: Oh my God! There was a bench here.
RICHARD: They moved it last year.
EMILY: I canít believe this.
LORELAI: Me either. What if we wanted to sit down?
EMILY: This is where your father proposed?
RICHARD: Thatís right.
LORELAI: By the trash can.
EMILY: Thatís right.
LORELAI: Well, thatís very romantic. . .especially if you need to spit your gum out.
EMILY: We were going to meet my girlfriends who were going to drive me back to school.
RICHARD: And you were angry with me.
EMILY: Because you wouldnít commit to plans for the holidays.
RICHARD: Because I was going to invite you to the house to meet my parents after I proposed.
EMILY: Which I didnít know because you gave me no indication whatsoever.
RICHARD: Anyway, you had just finished calling me a spineless jellyfish.
EMILY: And you got very annoyed, reached in your pocket, pulled out a box and said, "Here."
RICHARD: And you opened the box, showed no emotion, slammed it close and said, "Fine."
EMILY: Yes, I did.
[they kiss over the trash can]
RORY: Thatís so sweet.
EMILY: Oh no, my button broke.
LORELAI: Oh yeah? Let me see.
EMILY: It just broke in two and fell.
LORELAI: Well, let me look, Mom.
EMILY: Itís a broken button, what is there to look at?
LORELAI: All right, then, I think thereís a bathroom over there.
EMILY: What can we do in a bathroom?
LORELAI: Meet George Michael.
LORELAI: Letís go.
[cut to inside the bathroom]
EMILY: I donít believe it. This is a brand new skirt.
LORELAI: Mom, let me see.
EMILY: I have this dinner to go tonight. What am I going to do?
LORELAI: Drink a lot. Itís easier to explain not wearing a skirt if youíre falling down drunk.
EMILY: Thank you for the advice.
LORELAI: You know, I can rig this Ďtil you get home.
EMILY: You can?
LORELAI: Yeah, just give me five seconds here.
[pulls something out of her purse]
EMILY: What is that?
LORELAI: Itís a paper clip.
EMILY: And what do you intend to do with that paper clip?
LORELAI: I intend to carve something really dirty into the bathroom door.
LORELAI: What rhymes with Nantucket?
EMILY: Iím standing here holding my skirt.
LORELAI: Iím gonna put this paper clip through the buttonhole and then through the thread that used to hold the button, and then youíre gonna put your jacket back on and there you go.
EMILY: Thatís ingenious.
LORELAI: I know. If I had a thumbtack, I could make a scud missile.
EMILY: You know, your fatherís having a wonderful time.
LORELAI: Well, good.
EMILY: It means a lot to him to share this with Rory.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: Actually, it means a lot to him to share this with you and Rory. Itís very nice that youíre here.
LORELAI: Nice for you. I just found out youíre not supposed to be my real mother, so Iím a little scarred.
[cut to Richard and Rory outside]
RICHARD: See that? That is my favorite building in the whole school.
RORY: It is?
RICHARD: Yes, it is.
RICHARD: Because thatís where the Timothy Dwight Dining Hall is.
RORY: I thought campus food was supposed to be disgusting.
RICHARD: Not Yale food. They have the most delicious pot roast youíve ever tasted.
RORY: I love pot roast.
RICHARD: Who doesnít love pot roast? Are you having a good time?
RORY: Iím having a very good time.
RICHARD: Iím glad. Itís nice being able to show this place to another Gilmore generation. You know, one day, when your mother was ten years old, she ran into my office and she said, "Iím going to go to Yale, just like you." She actually took my diploma out of my office and put it in her room. She wouldnít give it back to me for about six months. This place makes you remember things. Hopefully, things youíre being graded on.
[Emily and Lorelai walk over]
EMILY: All right, weíre all in one piece again.
RICHARD: Oh, glad to hear it. Shall we continue?
LORELAI: Okay, but youíre not gonna show me the vending machine where I was conceived, are you? ĎCause I donít think I can take it.
CUT TO INSIDE THE YALE ADMINISTRATION BUILDING
[The four of them are walking through a large building]
LORELAI: Lions and tigers and bears. . .
RORY: Oh my.
RICHARD: Itís impressive, isnít it?
LORELAI: Yeah, Iíd like to open a checking account, please.
RORY: What is this place?
RICHARD: This is the main administration building. Professorsí offices, the deanís office. Some of the best scotch in the country can be found behind those doors.
LORELAI: Not sure how to take that, Dad.
RICHARD: Come on. Ah, follow me, please.
LORELAI: Whatís he so excited about?
EMILY: Oh, who knows? Dickens must have dropped a pencil here at some point.
RICHARD: Rory, this is the office of a very dear friend of mine. His name is Harris Fellows, and he just happens to be the Dean of Admissions.
RICHARD: Thatís right. And I called him just before we came down and I asked him if he had a little time to squeeze you in and he said yes.
RORY: Squeeze me in?
RICHARD: For an interview.
LORELAI: An interview for what, Dad?
RICHARD: An interview for Yale.
RICHARD: Oh, I told him all about you and your grades and how well you were doing at Chilton. Well, of course, he insisted on seeing you. He wouldnít let me off the hook.
RORY: But I havenít applied to Yale.
RICHARD: Oh, I told him that you werenít finished deciding, that you were being very picky. I think that made him want you even more. They can be very competitive, these Ivy League schools. Heís expecting you at three. Oh, look, itís three now. Well, we timed this perfectly now, didnít we? Come on, Iíll walk you in. Uh, weíll be right back.
LORELAI: Rory, honey, you donít have to go in there.
RICHARD: What? Well, of course sheís going to go in there.
LORELAI: Rory, honey, the only person Iím talking to, you donít have to go in there if you donít want to.
RICHARD: Lorelai, the man is waiting.
LORELAI: You wanna leave? ĎCause we could just leave.
RORY: No, itís okay. Iíll go in.
RICHARD: Harris is a very nice man, Rory. I think you two are really going to hit it off. Come on, Iíll walk you in.
[Richard and Rory walk into the office while Lorelai and Emily wait in the hall]
EMILY: My skirt seems to be holding up very well. Lorelai -
[Richard walks out of the office]
RICHARD: She shook his hand. She just reached out and shook his hand. It completely threw him off. I swear, that girl.
LORELAI: You know what, I almost feel like a standing ovation is in order.
RICHARD: If youíre going to get dramatic, letís go outside. It echoes in here.
LORELAI: What did you think you were doing?
RICHARD: I thought I was helping my granddaughter get into what is, in my opinion, the best Ivy League school in America.
LORELAI: Even though she doesnít wanna go here?
RICHARD: She doesnít know she doesnít want to go here.
LORELAI: Youíre unbelievable, Dad. You corner her alone the other night, without me there.
RICHARD: Of course I did. You wouldnít let her go.
LORELAI: Oh, I wouldnít?
RICHARD: I knew that the last thing in the world that you could want would be for Rory to go to Yale.
LORELAI: And the reason for that would be?
RICHARD: I went to Yale, therefore Rory canít.
LORELAI: Oh, thatís right, the crazy reason.
RICHARD: Thatís all right. Itís your prerogative to feel that way. Itís mine to make sure that Rory at least knows all her options.
LORELAI: Arenít you supposed to slap my face with a glove before you do this?
RICHARD: Iím not going to discuss this with you.
LORELAI: Well, you lied to everybody, Dad. You lied to me, you lied to Rory, Iím looking at Mom and Iím thinking you lied to her, too.
EMILY: Lorelai, please, letís try and calm down.
RICHARD: This is for Roryís own good.
LORELAI: Roryís going to Harvard.
RICHARD: Weíll see.
LORELAI: No, Roryís going to Harvard. Itís already been decided without you, get it? You donít control it. And that little stunt of yours doesnít change that fact one bit.
RICHARD: Iím sorry about the way it had to be done, but I didnít want to argue with you about it.
LORELAI: My whole life, you have tried to control everything, and if you didnít get to control something, then you just didnít deal with it.
RICHARD: Thatís ridiculous.
LORELAI: When you couldnít control me, you didnít deal with me.
RICHARD: This has nothing to do with you.
RICHARD: This is about Rory and Roryís education. Which, frankly Lorelai, is something you know nothing about.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RICHARD: You never went to college, let alone an Ivy League college. You donít know the first thing about the system, the way it works. I do, I went through it. You want Rory to go to Harvard that badly? Well, so do thousands of other mothers. Yale is an excellent school, the equal of Harvard in every way except one - I went here. Iím an alumnus. That makes it easier for Rory to get in. And if you had any idea about the way the system works, youíd know this.
LORELAI: Oh, so, here it is. I knew we would eventually get to the big "my daughterís a loser, poor me, the future squandered, the Gilmore nameís sullied" speech.
RICHARD: I am not going to leave Roryís education to chance simply because I might risk offending you. Her future is more important than your pride. If you donít like that, Iím sorry. If it makes you angry, well, what else is new? But that, my dear girl, is the way it is.
LORELAI: Iím calling a cab. Weíre leaving.
[Lorelai walks out of the building, Emily follows her]
EMILY: Lorelai, come back inside. Lorelai, put the phone away and come back inside.
LORELAI: [on phone] Yes, hi, in New Haven, I need a number of a cab company. Um, anyone, pick one. Thanks.
EMILY: You are not going to take a cab all the way back to Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: He lied to you, too, Mom. Donít you care about that?
EMILY: That is between me and your father.
LORELAI: Great, whatever. Damn, I just forgot the number.
EMILY: If you would just calm down and look at it from his point of view.
LORELAI: [on phone] Hi, um, uh, in New Haven, I need a cab company, any cab company.
EMILY: Your father is a very strong-willed man, Lorelai. You know this, you take after him.
LORELAI: [on phone] Thank you.
EMILY: He wants the best for Rory. He thinks this is the best.
LORELAI: It doesnít really matter what he thinks. It matters what I think and what Rory thinks and the list ends there.
EMILY: So Rory takes a meeting at Yale. That doesnít mean she still wonít go to Harvard.
LORELAI: I know it doesnít, because she is still going to Harvard.
EMILY: If she applies to Yale -
LORELAI: Sheís not applying to Yale!
EMILY: And gets into Yale, that might even make her more appealing to Harvard. Have you thought about that?
LORELAI: No, I havenít, because Iím not trying to reason away a crazy manís actions.
EMILY: Oh, donít do this. Donít turn this into yet another one of your crusades against your childhood. Just let it go. Realize that despite the matter in which your father did this, his intentions were honorable.
LORELAI: You know what, Mom? Sometimes I literally sit around and try to figure out why Dad and I have such an awful relationship. I try to figure out why we canít communicate and why we canít seem to break through whatever crap it is that stands between us, and then something like this happens and suddenly itís like, ĎOh yeah. Thatís why.í
EMILY: Fine, Lorelai, your fatherís a demon. Heís cruel and out to destroy your happiness. But think about this - youíre fighting so hard to send Rory off to Harvard no matter what that you havenít even stopped for one second to consider that if she went to Yale, she could live at home. Consider that on your cab ride.
Hi, yes, in New Haven, I need a cab company.
CUT TO INSIDE THE ADMINISTRATION BUILDING
[Rory and the Dean of Admissions walk out of the office]
HARRIS: It was a pleasure to meet you. Iíll read that book you recommended.
RORY: And donít be fooled by the Oprah seal on the cover, itís actually very good.
RICHARD: Well, how did it go? I see that everyone is smiling.
HARRIS: Richard, your granddaughter is everything you said and more. You should be very proud.
RICHARD: I am, very proud.
HARRIS: It was very nice meeting you.
RORY: Same here.
HARRIS: Iíll see you at dinner later, Richard.
RICHARD: Thanks, Harris.
[Harris walks away]
RICHARD: Well, that - that sounded like it went very well. Uh, what did you tell him to read?
RORY: Why did you do that?
RICHARD: Do what?
RORY: Why did you make this appointment without telling me about it?
RICHARD: Rory, I know this appointment upset your mother, but this was an important opportunity.
RORY: I know it was an important opportunity. Thatís why I canít believe you didnít prepare me for it. I didnít have my transcripts, my letters of recommendation. I couldnít even remember what I wanted to major in when he asked.
RICHARD: Iím sure he knew you were nervous.
RORY: But I didnít have to be that nervous. I couldíve been calm. I couldíve brushed my hair. I never wouldíve worn this.
RICHARD: Oh, Rory, none of this matters.
RORY: It matters to me. I like to be prepared. This has nothing to do with Mom. If you had really wanted me to take this meeting, I wouldíve done it just because you asked me to. And I wouldíve done it right.
[Lorelai and Emily walk back into the building]
LORELAI: Rory, a cab is meeting us at the main gate. Letís go.
RORY: Iím coming. Bye Grandma.
EMILY: Goodbye Rory.
[Lorelai and Rory leave]
EMILY: [to Richard] Donít you even look at me.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory get out of a cab and start walking down the sidewalk]
LORELAI: Thanks. Uh, well, hereís the good news. You no longer have to worry about which college to go to Ďcause that cab ride was your college tuition.
RORY: Can we not say the word college for at least forty-eight hours?
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: How Ďbout collage, can we say collage? ĎCause it sounds the same but itís actually very different.
RORY: Collage is fine.
LORELAI: Okay, good, Ďcause I donít even know how to get through a conversation without the word collage.
RORY: I shouldíve listened to you about today.
LORELAI: Oh, no. Thereís no way even I couldíve seen this one coming.
[they walk into the diner]
RORY: I canít believe I had a meeting at Yale today.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: And I canít believe the only name that popped into my head when he asked for my role model was Gloria Estefan.
LORELAI: Well, you donít work great under pressure.
RORY: Sucky day.
LORELAI: But excellent tacos.
RORY: Yeah, Hector really came through.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Weíre coming from a day with my parents. Want a taco?
LUKE: Uh, no thanks. See, I already have food here. We sell it to the other customers who donít come quite as prepared as the two of you.
LORELAI: Mm, be nice and get us some salsa.
LUKE: At least order a cup of coffee.
RORY: Coffee and tacos?
LORELAI: Sounds just gross enough to work.
LUKE: Please, Iíll finish it - hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Iím getting the coffee.
JESS: I gotta run out for a second and get a part for my car.
LUKE: Get a receipt this time.
JESS: Iíll be back.
LORELAI: Hey Luke, whatís the record for most tacos eaten in a diner that doesnít actually sell tacos?
LUKE: I have no idea.
LORELAI: Find out, will you, Ďcause if itís less than five, weíre famous.
LUKE: Whereíd you get those things anyhow?
LORELAI: New Haven.
LUKE: Really? That dump was close?
LORELAI: We paid a little visit to Yale today.
RORY: Yes, one that I would prefer not to relive, thank you very much. Iím gonna go study.
LORELAI: Okay hon, see you back home.
RORY: Bye Luke.
[Rory leaves; Luke sits down with Lorelai]
LUKE: Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.
LORELAI: You did?
LUKE: Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.
LORELAI: Oh good.
LORELAI: You know, theyíre together now.
LORELAI: Oh yeah. ĎI have to get a part for my carí, ĎIím going to go studyí - thatís kid code for ĎMeet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle.í
LUKE: Youíre kidding me, right? You donít really think that. . .damn, they are! Theyíre together. They used the kid code and now theyíre together!
LORELAI: Itís okay, Luke.
LUKE: Itís okay, Luke? They are out there right now doing God knows what, completely unsupervised. How did you let this happen?
LUKE: Yes, you. I thought you were against this.
LORELAI: I thought you were all, ĎThis is so great and Roryís gonna change Jess.í
LUKE: What is she, a miracle worker? Come on, Lorelai, wake up - the guyís trouble. I have to find Ďem. Caesar, Iíll be back in a little while.
LORELAI: Youíre seriously gonna run all over town looking for Jess and Rory?
LUKE: If I have to, yes. And if you were really a concerned mother, youíd go out there with me.
LORELAI: No, I canít do that. But if you like, Iíll let you sniff Roryís sweater. Maybe her scent will help you track them down.
LUKE: The things you find amusing astound me sometimes.
[Luke grabs Roryís sweater from the chair]
LORELAI: Youíre not really gonna sniff it.
LUKE: No, itís cold out. She might need it.
CUT TO GAS STATION
[Jess stands next to a gas pump holding an unlit cigarette as Rory walks up to him]
RORY: You going to smoke that or mind meld with it?
JESS: It depends.
RORY: So whereís the part for your car?
JESS: Huh, I donít know. Gypsy said she was gonna leave it for me somewhere. Guess she forgot.
RORY: Sheís bad that way.
JESS: Iím just gonna have to take my business elsewhere.
RORY: Looks that way.
JESS: Here we are.
RORY: Yeah, here we are. So, tell me, whatís your decision about smoking that depending on?
JESS: On whatís gonna happen.
RORY: Iím glad you didnít smoke it.
JESS: Oh yeah?
[they kiss again]
JESS: Well, whatever else happens between us, at least we know that part works. What?
RORY: I have to go.
JESS: What? Did I do something or -
RORY: No, no. This was. . . you were - are. . .it was wonderful, and I look forward to many similar occurrences in the future, but right now, I have to go. Understand?
JESS: Not at all.
RORY: Itís more fun that way, isnít it?
JESS: Come here.
[kisses her] Beat it.
RORY: Iíll see you tomorrow.
CUT TO DEANíS HOUSE
[Rory knocks on Deanís bedroom window, he opens it]
DEAN: What are you doing?
RORY: I climbed a tree.
RORY: Well, I was afraid to ring the doorbell Ďcause your mom would answer and I assume she knows, so I assume she hates me and I just wanted to talk to you, so. . .
DEAN: She doesnít know.
RORY: She doesnít.
DEAN: I havenít really been in the mood to talk about it.
RORY: But youíre going to have to tell her eventually, so if she did answer the door and was nice to me, then I wouldíve known that she was going to be hating me soon, and that just wouldíve been really hard because I like your mom. I guess youíre probably gonna tell your sister also, so sheís probably gonna hate me, too.
DEAN: Well, too bad, Rory. Somebody doesnít like you for once.
RORY: I didnít mean -
DEAN: What do you want?
RORY: Do you remember that girl Butterfly who lived in a tree for a year? I can officially attest that she was nuts.
DEAN: I have to go.
RORY: I wanna say that Iím sorry.
DEAN: For what?
RORY: For treating you the way I did. For doing all the things you said I did. I am so, so sorry. Itís all my fault. I donít know whatís wrong with me. You were the most amazing boyfriend in the world. You made me so happy. You made me laugh, you made my mother like you, you were nice to my friends, you protected me, you even came with me to that stupid debutante ball.
DEAN: I donít need the list.
RORY: I really did love you. Please believe that.
DEAN: You with him now?
RORY: I donít wanna talk about him. I just came to tell you that Iím truly sorry that I hurt you, and that Iím going to miss you so much, and I just hope that someday you wonít hate me anymore.
DEAN: I hope so, too.
[Dean closes the window]
CUT TO LORELAIíS HOUSE
[Rory is studying on the couch as Lorelai walks into the room with two mugs]
LORELAI: Coffee and Ovaltine.
LORELAI: Itís getting late, you almost done?
LORELAI: Donít study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay, Ďcause I wanna go shoe shopping this weekend.
RORY: Promise, I will not go mad until we get you some boots.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[starts to walk upstairs, then turns around] Hey.
LORELAI: How was the rest of the evening?
RORY: It was eventful.
LORELAI: Eventful. . . well, okay. Goodnight hon.
[starts to go upstairs]
[turns around] Yeah?
RORY: Details tomorrow.
LORELAI: Ah, thank God. ĎCause you know what not knowing these things does to me.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: I canít sleep. I wonder what I did wrong. Should I not have left you that first day in kindergarten when you begged me not to? Are you holding it against me?
RORY: I was fine staying at kindergarten. You were the one that had trouble leaving.
LORELAI: See, see how irrational I get when you hold out on me? I invent crazy reasons why you hold out on me.
RORY: Night Mom.
LORELAI: Night babe.
[Later that night, Rory walks into her bedroom, turns out the light and tries to go to sleep. A moment later, she turns the light back on, grabs her Yale brochure from her night table and starts reading it. Upstairs, Lorelai is reading the same brochure in her bedroom.]
Let the Games Begin Summary ...