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Stars Hollow Place
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The Charmed Ones

Transcript: Application Anxiety ...

Written by: Daniel Palladino
Directed by: Gail Mancuso


[Lorelai and Rory are on the sofa watching "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour"]

RORY: This is sublime.

LORELAI: It was the golden age of television.

RORY: The music, the costumes, the sets.

LORELAI: All cylinders were fired on this one, boy!

RORY: And who knew that they all had such musical talent?

LORELAI: And such far out booty shaking abilities, as well.

[The mailman walks through the front door and sets the mail on the bench]

EDDIE: Mail, ladies.

LORELAI: Thanks, Eddie!

[Eddie walks back out; Rory walks over to get the mail]

RORY: Did you see that TV Guide had this on their list of the worst fifty shows of all time?

LORELAI: I know! Who are they to judge?

RORY: I know, itís on my top fifty best.

LORELAI: Yeah, right after "Holmes and Yoyo" and "Hee Haw Honeys." Oh, Rory, get back here! Theyíre in clown suits and headed for the pool.

RORY: Oh my God.

LORELAI: Honey, come here.

RORY: Itís here.

LORELAI: Whatís here?

RORY: My application to Harvard.

LORELAI: Oh my God.

[walks over to look at it] Itís beautiful.

RORY: Impressive letterage, huh?

LORELAI: Oh, yeah, itís so. . .

RORY: Very.

LORELAI: Can I hold it?

RORY: Be careful.

LORELAI: Oh, itís heavy, heavy with importance.

RORY: I feel dizzy.

LORELAI: Are you sure thatís not just the sight of Robert Reed in the tight clown pants?

RORY: Oh, geez. Let the record show that when my application to Harvard arrived, we were watching "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour."

LORELAI: You donít lose points for that, do you?

RORY: I hope not. Man, this morning I was reading Dead Souls Ė it couldnít have come then?

LORELAI: Well, weíll just tell people thatís what you were doing, and that I was studying a really big globe. Theyíll never know.

RORY: You can keep a secret?

LORELAI: Not so far, but thereís always a first.

RORY: Dead Souls and a really big globe.


[looks at TV] Oh, kayaks!

[opening credits]


[Lorelai sits at the table with the Harvard application while Rory gets a drink from the refrigerator]

LORELAI: Come on, come on, I wanna get started.

RORY: Hold your horses there little Miss Horsie Holder.

LORELAI: Theyíre going to expect a higher level of wit when youíre at Harvard. Oh, watch that drink.

RORY: Iím nowhere near it.

LORELAI: Well, keep it that way. This is an uncontaminated area. I even cleaned the table using something other than the sleeve of my sweater and spit.

[shows her a bottle of cleanser]

RORY: Lovely image. Iíll be careful.

LORELAI: All right, here we go. First question. Uh! Oh my God.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: "What were you doing the moment you received this application?" counts for fifty percent of your eligibility.

RORY: Stop.

[Lane walks out of Roryís bedroom]

LANE: I need help.

LORELAI: With what?

RORY: Sheís writing her drummer-seeks-rock-band ad.

LANE: And itís not reading right to me. Could you guys look it over?

RORY: Letís see Ė "Drummer with strong beat seeks band into the Accelerators, the Adolescents, the Adverts, Agent Orange, the Angelic Upstarts, the Agnostic Front, Ash. . ." You went alphabetically.

LANE: Seemed tidy.

LORELAI: And a little OCD.

RORY: And a little long.

LANE: I canít make cuts.

RORY: Itís three pages, single spaced Ė make cuts.

LANE: But this is the cut-down version. I mean, just from the letter A, I excluded AC/DC, the Animals, and A-Ha, footnoted as a guilty pleasure.

RORY: If we canít get through it, no one can.

LANE: Okay.

RORY: Okay.

LANE: Iíll try to make cuts, but no guarantees.

[goes back into Roryís bedroom]

LORELAI: Okay, personal information. . . state your full name. Better not get that one wrong.

RORY: Iíll try.

LORELAI: And nickname, if any.

RORY: That would be Rory.

LORELAI: Or Droopy Drawers.

RORY: That was never my nickname.

LORELAI: Wrong, I called you that as a baby.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: Thatís right. You had these little OshKosh cords and they were way too big and once at the mall, they fell right down to your knees and I said, "Whoa, there, Droopy Drawers!" Ė and Iím just afraid if we donít answer everything accurately, the Harvard police will come and hit you with an atlas and say something mean in Latin.

RORY: How would they know that you called me Droopy Drawers?

LORELAI: Well, we could be at a Harvard event and I could slip up and say, "Pass me a lobster puff, Droopy Drawers," and they could hear me, and thatíll be that.

RORY: How Ďbout you donít drink at any of these Harvard events?

LORELAI: Okay, parental information. Mother Ė breathtaking.

RORY: I think they just want your name.

LORELAI: Father Ė ostracized. Personal statement.

RORY: Oh, the essay Ė the big kahuna.

LORELAI: You can evaluate a significant experience thatís had an impact on you. How Ďbout that time your drawers dropped at the mall?

RORY: Enough with the drawers.

LORELAI: Or you can write about a person who has had a significant influence on you.

RORY: You?

LORELAI: Or one of your authors, Faulkner or. . .

RORY: Or Sylvia Plath.

LORELAI: Hm, might send the wrong message.

RORY: The sticking her head in the oven thing?

LORELAI: Yeah. Although she did make her kids a snack first, shows a certain maternal instinct.

[Lane walks out of Roryís bedroom]

LANE: Okay, I just crunched the numbers and at two thousand words and twenty-five cents a word, this stupid adís gonna cost five hundred dollars! Thatís five months worth of Minwaxing end tables at my momís store. I give up.

RORY: No, donít give up. Just cut down your influences to the most important ones, like with David Bowie.

LANE: Gotta have Bowie.

RORY: But do you have to list every album he ever recorded plus your personal rating between one to ten?

LANE: Maybe not.

LORELAI: And whatís with Jackson Browne making the list?

LANE: Ah, see, cool people know that heís more than a mellow hippie-dippy folkie, that he actually wrote some of Nicoís best songs and was in fact her lover before he bored us with "Doctor My Eyes." That will separate the poseurs from the non-poseurs.

RORY: Wax on, wax off.

LANE: I hate this.

[goes back into bedroom]

LORELAI: Okay, what activities interest you?

RORY: All of them except for the sports.

LORELAI: I thought you were the lacrosse kid.

RORY: Mom, just a modicum of seriousness as we do this would be much appreciated.

LORELAI: Hm, so, circle all of them except sports. Oh, they want a picture. How about the one of us sticking our heads through the carved out holes of Johnny Bravo and SpongeBob Squarepants?

RORY: Thereís the seriousness I crave.

[Lane opens the bedroom door]

LANE: Iím going to have to crank the Ramones if I have to make deep cuts.

[Lane shuts the door, and a second later, music starts blaring from the room]

RORY: Weíll move outside.

LORELAI: The outsideís contaminated.

[Rory grabs the bottle of cleanser and they walk out the back door]


[Dean and Rory are sitting at a table. Luke refills Roryís coffee mug]

RORY: Thank you.

LUKE: Do they let kids drink coffee before school?

RORY: Why, do you think it might lead to harder stuff? Lattes, cappucinos. . .

LUKE: Forget I asked.

[walks away]

RORY: So, what are you doing Saturday?

DEAN: Just my usual chores.

RORY: Your usual chores, John-boy?

DEAN: Well, what else do you call house jobs?

RORY: I call them the stuff you avoid until the Environmental Protection Agency steps in.

DEAN: Why do you ask?

RORY: I thought we could see a movie or something.

DEAN: Youíre not free.

RORY: How do you know?

DEAN: ĎCause youíll be working on your application all weekend.

RORY: No, Iím not.

DEAN: Really?

RORY: Itís not due for weeks, and I already have my essay topic picked out.

DEAN: Which is?

RORY: Hillary Clinton.

DEAN: Sounds perfect.

RORY: I know. Sheís so smart and tough and nobody thought she could win New York but she did and sheís doing amazing, and have you heard her speak?

DEAN: Only when youíve played me the thousands of hours of C-SPAN footage you taped.

RORY: Sheís a great speaker, strong and persuasive with a wonderful presence, and even those suits of hers are getting better.

DEAN: Iíd include that in the essay.

RORY: Anyhow, now that I have Hillary, all I need is a date for Saturday. Suggestions?

DEAN: Youíre on.

RORY: Great. Oh, thereís my bus. Sip.

[sips coffee] Kiss.

[they kiss] And bye.

DEAN: Bye.

[Rory exits the diner and runs to catch her bus as Luke walks over to the table]

LUKE: Fast runner.

DEAN: Itís the coffee.

LUKE: Not your face?

DEAN: Excuse me?

LUKE: Sorry, just missed my youth for a second. Iím back. Coffee?

[Luke looks out the window and sees Taylor taking photographs of the store next to the diner]


[Rory is waiting outside the auditorium while Paris argues with a teacher]

PARIS: Everyone always says that! This is my speaking voice. This is its natural volume! Fine, fine!

[walks over to Rory and they walk into the auditorium]

PARIS: Short-sighted morons.

RORY: What now, Paris?

PARIS: We went to all this trouble to set up this stupid seminar. I say we, but letís face it, I did most of the work, and Mr. Hunter wonít let me do it the way I want.

RORY: The panelists are up there. We sit across from them and ask questions. Whatís the problem?

PARIS: Itís boring and predictable and done to death. I wanted Charlie Rose.

RORY: To ask the questions?

PARIS: His style. I wanted us sitting at a round table with black backdrops.

RORY: But the audience wonít be able to see anything.

PARIS: I was working with the losers in the AV club to project it on a giant video screen. And all Mr. Hunter said was, "Paris, this isnít the Beatles at Shea Stadium." Nice anachronism, huh? Like they had video screens in sixty-three. His references are as topical as his suits.

MR. HUNTER: [on stage] Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please? We can get this seminar started. Iíd like to bring up the organizers of this little event, Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore.

[There are two tables on the stage. A man and a woman are seated at one of them; Rory and Paris walk on stage and sit at the other]

PARIS: Thank you, Mr. Hunter. Everybody, this is a seminar called "The Business of Getting In." Its goal is to help guide us through the torturous process of applying to, and getting into, the right college. My panelists are Jim Romaine, admissions officer at Princeton University, and Ivy-League college consultant, Rose Samuels. Welcome, panel.

RORY: Yes, welcome.

PARIS: Now, panel, youíre addressing a group of kids just beginning the stressful process of applying to college. Question Ė what is the biggest mistake a person can make on his or her application? Mr. Romaine?

MR. ROMAINE: Well, forgetting to send it in would be the worst mistake, but perfunctory answers would be high on my list.

PARIS: Explain.

MR. ROMAINE: Iím talking about run of the mill responses, a lack of originality, particularly in the essay category. If I read one more over-adulating piece of prose about Hillary Clinton and her profound influence, my head will explode.

MS. SAMUELS: I hear that. Sometimes a mistake like that comes from writing what one thinks an admission officer wants to read.

MR. ROMAINE: Big mistake.

MS. SAMUELS: And sometimes itís just a lack of original thought.

MR. ROMAINE: Just as big a mistake.

PARIS: Personal anecdote Ė when I was twelve and I was writing the first of my trial essays in practice for the day Iíd write my real essay, I chose Hillary Clinton. Then I realized every braindead bint in a skirt would be writing about Hillary, but it was good to clear the pipes. Now, what are some other mistakes?

MR. ROMAINE: Well, small thing, but if your printing is bad, that says something we donít like. If your extracurriculars and volunteer activities are too by-the-book, that says something we donít like.

MS. SAMUELS: Yes, those activities should have a personality behind them Ė a focus, a direction. Iíve seen applications where the student has circled every activity listed. Again, youíre trying too hard there. One canít be interested in everything.

MR. ROMAINE: Theyíre the ones whoíve had college paraphernalia on their walls their whole lives.

MS. SAMUELS: Too hungry, itís a little immature.

PARIS: Interesting, interesting. Rory, do you wanna ask a question?


PARIS: What?

RORY: No, thank you.

PARIS: Okay. So, how early should a student get an application in?

MR. ROMAINE: By the due date. Earlier makes no difference. Itís a complete myth that thereís a benefit to be derived from early admission. I do think itís important to talk about the interview process. I believe itís an opportunity to weed out the hyper-intense candidate. . .


[Lorelai and Emily walk into the living room]

EMILY: So, sheís meeting you here?

LORELAI: Yeah, she had a thing after school, a rumble or something. She said sheíd be over after.

EMILY: A rumble?

LORELAI: Yeah, a bunch of kids meet in an alley, they pirouette, they pull knives, itís a whole to-do.

EMILY: So sheís meeting you here?

LORELAI: Yes, sheís meeting us here. Whereís Dad?

EMILY: The magazines.

[walks away]

LORELAI: That was weird. . .and unresponsive.

[Lorelai walks over to the couch as Emily returns with a stack of magazines]

EMILY: These are college issues of various magazines. Iíve been collecting them for a couple of months now.

LORELAI: Oh, well, Roryís probably seen all those, but thanks anyway.

EMILY: Have you read these?


EMILY: Well, you should. Iíve unearthed some shocking statistics. I mean, do you have any idea how hot the competition is to get into a school like Harvard?

LORELAI: Well, yeah, itís very hot. Itís one of the top schools in the country.

EMILY: In the world. People from China, Russia, India, children from every country apply to Harvard. Thereís more competition than ever before.

LORELAI: Really, Mom, I know all this.

EMILY: With the dot-com bust and the job market dwindling and the stock market going up and down like a yo-yo, everyone and his brother knows the best chance for success and financial security is not just to go to college, but to go to a top college.

LORELAI: Thank you, got it, appreciate the info.

EMILY: Every child that applies has the same high grade point average, theyíve taken the same AP classes, and theyíre all on the student council.

LORELAI: Theyíre not all that identical.

EMILY: One college admissions officer said that he sometimes puts a random stack of applications in the yes pile and the rest in the no pile because he knows it doesnít make any difference. He doesnít even so much as glance at them.

LORELAI: That does not sound real.

EMILY: And now itís the in thing for young Hollywood celebrities to go to universities. What do they call themselves, the Brat Pack?

LORELAI: About a hundred years ago.

EMILY: They get into wherever they want based on name recognition. I was watching TV and that insipid Kate Hudson was talking about going to a university. If she decides to go to Harvard, sheíll get right in over Rory, who we know is more qualified.

LORELAI: How Ďbout a drink, Mom? You want a drink, Ďcause I sure do.

EMILY: Lorelai, hold on here. What are we gonna do about this?

LORELAI: Look, there is no we, okay? Itís me Ė me and Rory Ė thatís the we. I appreciate your concern and your prodigious research, but itís all gonna be fine. Roryís special.

EMILY: Well, you know that and I know that but those idiots at Harvard may not necessarily know that.


[calls from hallway] Hello?

LORELAI: Uh, weíre in here, honey, and hurry!

[Rory walks into the living room]

RORY: Hi Grandma.

EMILY: Hello Rory. You look flushed.

RORY: I ran from the bus stop, Iím okay. Mom, hey, Iíve been trying to call you Ė can I talk to you for a second?

EMILY: Is something wrong?

RORY: No, I just need to talk to Mom about something, thatís all. Weíll be quick.

LORELAI: Okay, hon. Weíll be back.


[Rory and Lorelai walk in]

RORY: Iím not getting into Harvard.

LORELAI: What? Who says?

RORY: Well, Iím completely unprepared, and I have no original thoughts!

LORELAI: No, no, donít blame yourself, itís not you. Itís those jerks at Harvard Ė I hate them!

RORY: What?

LORELAI: Well, apparently, it doesnít matter how qualified you are, those lazy-ass admissions officers just take applications and stick it in the yes and no piles without even glancing at them!

RORY: Well, it wonít matter because my Hillary Clinton essay will be just like every other girlís Hillary Clinton essay because apparently thatís all we can think of. Iím such a hack.

LORELAI: Is it true everyone has the same GPA? How is that possible?

RORY: Because we all take the same classes and we all give the same perfunctory run-of-the-mill responses. And Iím interested in too many things, I have to limit them. Iím gonna circle travel on my application. From now on, that is what I am interested in, travel.

LORELAI: No, no, donít do that, no! Because all those people coming from China and India and God knows where else, theyíre all nuts for traveling Ė thatís why theyíre traveling here! AndÖand jobs are dropping and dot-com bombing and somethingís acting like a yo-yo, I donít know what but itís not good! And over my dead body is Kate Hudson getting your spot, let me just say that right now!

RORY: Mom, youíre freaking out!

LORELAI: Yes, Iím freaking out!

RORY: Well, you canít freak out, Iím freaking out!

[cell phone rings] Hello?

PARIS: What the hell did Romaine mean when he was going on about weeding out the hyper-intense in the interview process? He stopped just short of calling me by name, Iím losing it!

RORY: Not now, Paris.

PARIS: I tried to throw the questioning over to you because I was about to heave and you left me hanging so I had to come home and heave.

RORY: Iíll talk to you tomorrow, Paris.

[hangs up]

PARIS: Wait!

LORELAI: Okay, we gotta calm down here.

RORY: So, set an example.

LORELAI: Hey, Iím human, too.

RORY: My forehead is burning up.

LORELAI: My heart is beating so fast, itís gotta slow down.

RORY: Okay, just. . .letís take a breath.

LORELAI: Okay. This freaking out is not good.

RORY: It sucks.

LORELAI: We can do this. If others can do this, we can do this!

RORY: Well, Iím not so sure anymore.

LORELAI: That is unacceptable!

RORY: Well, I donít wanna accept it.

LORELAI: Then we wonít.

RORY: Well, what do we do?

LORELAI: I donít know. We definitely need some sort of perspective.

RORY: I think we need therapy.

LORELAI: And booze! For those of us over twenty-one. Okay, are we calming? Are we less-freaked?

RORY: Iím totally freaked out.

LORELAI: Well, hide it!

RORY: I canít hide it.

LORELAI: Then prepare yourself for an evening of magazine recitations by Emily "DJ Doom-meister" Gilmore.

RORY: Iíll hide it.


[Lorelai is making coffee in the kitchen when the phone rings]


[answers] Hello? . . . No, Lane should be here any minute. Is this about the ad? . . . Well, uh, give me your number and sheíll call you back. . . Okay, then, whatís the number of the dude whose couch youíre sleeping on? . . .Uh! Dude doesnít have a phone? Well, try back later, dude. Thanks.

[hangs up] Rory, are you up? If not, get up!

[phone rings again] And whereís Lane? Sheís supposed to be fielding these.

[answers phone] Hello? No, sheís not, may I take a message?

[Lane walks in through the back door] Oh, wait a minute Ė here she is, hold on.

[holds out the phone toward Lane]

LANE: Sorry.

[answers phone] This is Lane.

[walks out of kitchen]

[Rory walks out of her bedroom]


RORY: Hey.

LORELAI: Aw, whatís up?

RORY: I didnít sleep so well.

LORELAI: Poor thing.

RORY: Iím fine. Iím just a little bummed.


[on phone] No, wait, wait, wait, progressive rock is a really passť style now but I listed it as an influence because it was a progenitor of great things that came afterwards. I mean, I contend that you can draw a straight line from Yes to Jethro Tull to the Jam to Nirvana, bing bang boom. . . Who are the Jam?

[to Rory and Lorelai] Thatís disturbing.

[walks away]

LORELAI: Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama. . .or something. Honey, Iím just kidding, you gotta go to college.

RORY: Iím up for anything at this point. I gotta go. Iíll see you later?

LORELAI: Feel better, okay?

RORY: I will.

LANE: You are not telling me that you did not know that Kim Deal was in the Pixies before the Breeders! I refuse to accept that!

[hangs up] These kids have no sense of history.


[Luke walks up to a customer at the counter]

LUKE: Hey Tom, whatís up?

TOM: Nothing much. Why donít you get me a ham on rye, mustard, no mayo.

LUKE: You got it.

[A young boy walks up to the counter]

BOY: Hi.

LUKE: You got money?

BOY: Yes, sir.

LUKE: What can I get ya?

BOY: Letís see. How about a nice, cold egg cream?

LUKE: A what cream?

BOY: An egg cream. A nice and cold one.

LUKE: What is that?

TOM: Itís like, uh, milk and soda water with flavoring, isnít it?

LUKE: You asking me?

BOY: Nice and cold.

LUKE: I heard that part.

TOM: Used to get Ďem at Coney Island.

LUKE: Go to Coney Island, kid.

[The boy leaves, and another boy walks up to the counter]

BOY: Sir, can I get something to go?

LUKE: You got money?

BOY: Uh huh.

LUKE: What do you want?

BOY: A black cow.

LUKE: Aw, now, come on.

BOY: Itís just root beer and ice cream.

LUKE: Root beer and ice cream?

BOY: Uh huh.

LUKE: Well, I can do that.

BOY: As long as the ice creamís made the old fashioned way Ė on the premises.

LUKE: Now wait a second.

[Kirk walks up to the counter]

KIRK: Hey, Luke, can you whip me up something in a hurry?

LUKE: What, Kirk?

KIRK: A chocolate phosphate.

LUKE: Okay, now, what the hell is this? Why do you want a phosphate?

KIRK: Because nothing says refreshment like a phosphate.

LUKE: This is Taylor, right? Is he behind this?

KIRK: Iím not at liberty to say.


[to boy] Okay, then, you tell me. And remember, if you lie, youíll go to hell.

BOY: He didnít say youíd get mad.

LUKE: Come on.

[Luke drags Kirk and the boy out of the diner]


[Luke pulls Kirk and the boy into the market]

TAYLOR: What is this?

LUKE: Thatís my question. Now what the hellís going on here?

TAYLOR: I have no idea what youíre talking about.

LUKE: Theyíre asking for phosphates and egg creams and black cows, and they already gave you up, so tell me whatís going on.

TAYLOR: Who finked?

KIRK: Him, him.

BOY: Snitch!

KIRK: Well, you did.

LUKE: Itís not the kidís fault, Taylor. Now what is this about?

TAYLOR: Well, you are so close-minded to new things, Luke, that I decided to make an admittedly desperate attempt to convince you of the need for something that I think is a terrific idea.

LUKE: Which is?

TAYLOR: An old fashioned, turn of the century soda shop!

LUKE: Aye yi yi yi yi!

TAYLOR: Itís just the kind of wholesome hang todayís teens need to keep them off the streets.

LUKE: And our streets are so wild and out of control?

TAYLOR: If you ask me, yes Ė and I have proof.

[hands Luke an envelope of pictures]

LUKE: What are these?

TAYLOR: Surveillance photos of town goings-on, the dark side of Stars Hollow, Luke Ė not a pretty picture.

LUKE: These are kids on skateboards.

TAYLOR: Slaloming around pop bottles right down the middle of the street. Iím telling you, Luke, if we donít quick furnish these skateboarding z-boys with a moral distraction, theyíre gonna turn Stars Hollow into Dogtown.


[points to a picture] This is the space next to the diner.

TAYLOR: I know.

LUKE: I own the space next to the diner.

TAYLOR: I know.

LUKE: You wanna open the soda shop in the space next to the diner?

TAYLOR: Itís the only one thatís appropriate.

LUKE: Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on Ďtil the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no!" And when I die, Iím gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "Howís Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no!"

TAYLOR: But the space is empty!

LUKE: Not for long.

TAYLOR: And what are your plans for it?

LUKE: A skateboard and pop bottle shop.

TAYLOR: Thatís not funny.

LUKE: With in-house experts to teach the craft of street slaloming.

TAYLOR: Still not funny.

LUKE: Well, Iím not in a very funny mood!

KIRK: Luke, are you taking applications for jobs at your skateboard and bottle shop?

LUKE: Yeah, Iím interviewing people today, Kirk.

KIRK: Great. Shall I go home and change or will casual suffice?

LUKE: I like the going home part.

KIRK: I donít understand.


[Lorelai is sitting on the couch when Rory walks through the front door]

RORY: Hey.

LORELAI: Hey. Guess who I actually had a very productive conversation with today? Headmaster Charleston.

RORY: Youíre kidding.

LORELAI: No, and I think we came up with the solution to our application anxiety, you wanna hear it?

RORY: I guess.

LORELAI: Well, we spent the first ten minutes on him bugging me to volunteer for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation to build the new basketball court, and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him that what sounded like me going "Ha!" was really me clearing my throat, but after that we had a very pleasant, productive conversation.

RORY: And?

LORELAI: He suggested setting up a meeting with a Harvard graduate, like a dinner or something. He even gave me the number of someone he knows.

RORY: An alumni dinner?

LORELAI: Yes, exactly.

RORY: Do they do that?

LORELAI: According to Charleston, itís done all the time.

RORY: Wow.

LORELAI: Yeah, it would be an opportunity to talk with someone whoís been through it all and did it successfully. You can ask questions, he can give some perspective, it seems perfect.

RORY: It sounds a little weird.

LORELAI: Yeah, a little, but Iíll go with you and whatís the worst that can happen? Weíre bored and we blow a meal, but if this person can help, then thatís a good thing, right?

RORY: I do have some questions. . . a lot of questions.

LORELAI: Well, letís call him.

RORY: Now?

LORELAI: Yes, yes, thereís no time like the present, come on.

[they walk over to desk] His name is Darren Springsteen of Westport, Connecticut, Harvard class of 74. Uh! Ask if he has a brother named Bruce.

RORY: Iím not gonna ask him that.

[dials phone number] Itís ringing.


[Rory hangs up the phone]

LORELAI: Whyíd you hang up?

RORY: Iím not good at these things.

LORELAI: Did he answer?

RORY: Yes.

LORELAI: Yes? Rory, thatís a really terrible first impression.

[phone rings] Uh oh.

RORY: Him?


RORY: He star sixty-nined us?

LORELAI: Well, the Harvard people can afford all the latest technology. Answer!


[on answering machine] Hey, youíve reached Suffragette City, and if youíre calling about Lane Kimís ad, sorry weíre not in, but donít commit rock and roll suicide Ė just crank a message with some feedback.

RORY: Oh geez.

LORELAI: Well, if he is related to Bruce, he can dig it.


[on machine] Hey, my nameís Dave Rygalski, Iím calling about the ad. I left my number before, so call when you get a chance.


[in background on machine] Whereís my Ė


[on machine] Relax, Iím coming.

[Lorelai stops the message]

LORELAI: Letís try this again.

[dials number]

RORY: Can we please just do this later?

LORELAI: No, letís get it done now. Itís ringing.

RORY: Letís do it later.

LORELAI: Itís ringing.

[hands her the phone]

RORY: Iím gonna say the wrong thing or have the wrong tone in my voice. Iím not in good first impression mode right now.

[hands phone back to Lorelai] Unh!


[answers phone in high voice] Hello? Hello, um, this is Rory Gilmore. I believe you were expecting my call. . .Um, oh, well, this is such a wonderful opportunity for me. . .Whateverís good for you will be great for me. . .

RORY: Not so breathy.

LORELAI: Thatís how chickens talk!

[on phone in high voice] Lunch? Oh yes, let me just check my organizer. . .oh, perfect. My mother will be there, too. Sheís terrific. . . All right, Iíll see you this weekend. . . Mm, bye.

[hangs up]

RORY: Youíre no Danny Gans.

LORELAI: I never claimed to be.

RORY: Heís gonna be expecting Chilton High School senior Trixie McBimbo.

LORELAI: And her mother, Bambi McBimbo.

RORY: But I guess it canít hurt, right?

LORELAI: It can only help.

RORY: Okay.

LORELAI: And look, if itís a total bust, weíll grab a pole and Trixie and Bambiíll take it on the road. Thatís something to put on your application, huh? Itíll set you apart.

RORY: Thanks Mom.


[in high voice] Bye Trixie!


[Lorelai and Rory walk up the pathway to the house]

LORELAI: So, alumna is a girl graduate.

RORY: Right.

LORELAI: And alumnus is a man.

RORY: Singular.

LORELAI: So an unmarried man?

RORY: No, not not-married. He can be married or single, all alumnus means is one man singular as opposed to many men plural.

LORELAI: And plural is alumni.

RORY: Right, and that can be girls and guys.


RORY: No, not kinky, just what it is.

[rings doorbell]

LORELAI: Ugh, youíre no fun when youíre nervous.

RORY: Oh yes, because you and I usually have so much fun with Latin.

LORELAI: So what do we call this guy, alumnus Darren, you know, like youíd say farmer John or the butcher Lazar Wolf?

RORY: Hish-kabibble.

[A man opens the door]

DARREN: Hello there.

LORELAI: Hello, Iím Lorelai Gilmore.

DARREN: Darren Springsteen, nice to meet you. And this must be the reason weíre all here.

RORY: Yes, hello. Iím hope weíre not putting you out.

DARREN: Putting us out? Today you are the Springsteen familyís raison díÍtre. Come in, come in.

[they walk inside] Was your drive long?

LORELAI: Not too.

DARREN: Stars Hollow is charming. The last time we drove through there, there was a pumpkin patch.

LORELAI: Sounds like us.

DARREN: In March.

LORELAI: Oh, that would be the year the pumpkins arrived late.

DARREN: Sounds like a Dr. Seuss book. You came bearing gifts?

RORY: What? Oh, this. No, this is not a gift. These are my records Ė grades, SATs.

LORELAI: Itís Rory in a bag Ė you add water and her brilliance springs out.

DARREN: Why donít I just glance at this some other time, mm? This afternoon, why donít we just talk and get to know one another, okay?

RORY: Sounds good.

LORELAI: Youíre a very nice alumni.

DARREN: Thanks.

[walks down the hall]

RORY: Thatís the plural.

LORELAI: Ah, rats!

[they follow him into the living room]

DARREN: Lorelai, Rory, say hello to Marie, my wife.

MARIE: Hello, so good to have you here.


RORY: Thank you.

MARIE: How about drinks? Iced tea, water?

RORY: Iced teaís good.

LORELAI: Same here.

MARIE: Okay.

[leaves room]

DARREN: Do you like art, Rory?

RORY: Very much.

DARREN: Modern painting is my passion. Iíve got a Hockney, a Kline Ė what I donít have is a Diebenkorn so please donít ask, "Whereís the Diebenkorn?"

LORELAI: Uh, you warned me just in time.

DARREN: I only recently got into sculpture. My latest acquisition, itís a Zoltan Kemeny. Very provocative. Donít you just love its audacity?

LORELAI: Yes, itís very audacious.

DARREN: So, what are some of your other interests, Rory?

LORELAI: Oh, well, pull up a comfy chair there, Darren, because they are widespread and extensive.

RORY: I read a lot. Iím into the Russians lately.

DARREN: Tolstoy, Turgenev?

RORY: Gogol is my thing right now Ė Dead Souls.

DARREN: One of my favorites.

LORELAI: You were reading that when we got your Harvard application in the mail, werenít you sweetie?

RORY: Yes, yes I was.

LORELAI: I saw that Harvard logo on the envelope and I said, "Rory, get your nose out of your Gogol and get over here!" Of course, we have a TV somewhere, but itís really more of a funny little table to put a cup of chai tea on, you know what I mean?

DARREN: Iím afraid I donít. I watch way too many sports, and I go to all the Harvard games. How about you Ė do you like sports?



LORELAI: That is, we follow certain things.

RORY: We enjoy various aspects of certain sporting endeavors.

LORELAI: But it wouldnít be the kind that you could ask any follow-up questions on.

RORY: Itís a general interest.

DARREN: Got it. Itís pretty much a waste of time, but itís how I waste my time. I collect memorabilia, too. Iíve got each yearís Harvard team pennant going back to 1927.

LORELAI: Lots of displayed Harvard paraphernalia, huh?

DARREN: Itís all over the walls at the rec room.

LORELAI: See, see, lots of paraphernalia.

RORY: Watch the ribs there.

[Two kids walk in from the backyard]

DARREN: Ah, here are the kids. Jack, Jennifer, this is Lorelai and Rory.

JACK: Hi there.

JENNIFER: Itís nice to meet you.

LORELAI: Likewise.


DARREN: Jackís premed at Princeton and Jennifer is bound for Harvard like you Rory.

JENNIFER: Oh, we should talk.

RORY: Sure.

JENNIFER: If not today, another day, okay?

RORY: Okay.

JENNIFER: Uh, do you wanna pick a time now or later. . .

RORY: Laterís fine.

JENNIFER: Iíll make a note in my palm pilot.

RORY: Cool.


[enters room with a tray of drinks] Here are your teas.

RORY: Thank you.

MARIE: Ah, Darren, we should really get the chicken going.

DARREN: Right, right. Youíre getting my famous chicken today Ė I hope you like chicken.

RORY: Love it.

DARREN: Iíll be right back. Hereís some of my Harvard yearbooks, peruse them if you like.


[Marie and Darren leave the room]

JACK: Yeah, and we should go clean up, Jen.

JENNIFER: Mm, definitely.

[to Rory] I will see you in a jiff.

[Jack and Jennifer leave the room]


RORY: What?

LORELAI: Did they just leave to take a shower together?

RORY: Oh, gross!

LORELAI: What? They bounced in together, they bounced out together.

RORY: New topic.

LORELAI: Canít take gritty reality?

RORY: Or slanderous postulating.

LORELAI: And how is it they just came off the tennis court and theyíre not even sweating?

RORY: I donít know. Maybe when youíre that white, you donít sweat.

LORELAI: Darrenís nice though, isnít he?

RORY: Heís very nice. Hey, do you think Iím making a good impression?

LORELAI: Great impression. He loves you, especially when he found out you share his love of various aspects of certain sporting endeavors.

RORY: Hey, you started it. We could have just told the truth and said we werenít into sports.

LORELAI: I was trying to humanize us.

RORY: Yeah, with our funny looking chai tea table. Very humanizing.


[in robot voice] Zoltan Kemeny.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: That artistís name Ė it sounds like robot language, doesnít it? Zoltan Kemeny.

RORY: Donít say it again.

LORELAI: Zoltan Kemeny, Zoltan Kemeny.

RORY: Stop, donít!

LORELAI: Zoltaaaan Ė


[enters room] Oh, Iím sorry. Iím interrupting the fun.

LORELAI: No, thatís all right, youíre not. We were just laughing at all the funny haircuts, thatís all.

MARIE: I know, arenít they a blast?

LORELAI: Itís just a sea of goofy sideburns.

MARIE: Lunch will be ready in just a few minutes.


LORELAI: Zoltan.

RORY: Stop!


[Lorelai, Rory, Marie and Darren walk into the room]

LORELAI: Aw, wow, what a beautiful table.

RORY: Yes, you didnít have to do that.

DARREN: Oh, Rory, honestly, itís our pleasure.

[Jack and Jennifer walk in wearing similar outfits]

DARREN: Perfect timing, kids.

JACK: Excellent.

JENNIFER: Nice looking lunch, Mom.


[to Rory] Color coordinated.

RORY: Shh!

DARREN: Guests of honor, why donít you sit over there.

RORY: Thank you.

LORELAI: Aw, family pictures. You have another girl, donít you?

MARIE: Yes, we do.

LORELAI: Well, where is she? What does she do?

DARREN: Oh, um. . .

MARIE: Sheís not here.

LORELAI: Iím sorry, I shouldnít have asked.

DARREN: Oh, no no, itís all right. Thatís Carol. Sheís a year ahead of Rory. Sheís. . .

MARIE: Sheís following her own path.

DARREN: Right. Carolís doing her own thing.


DARREN: Well, letís eat everybody. Honored guests, please choose from the chicken first.

RORY: Thank you very much.


[to his kids] You two are gonna have to fight over the breast as you always do. So, Lorelai, whatís your alma matter?

LORELAI: Well, I was too preoccupied to go to college, what with weighing a couple hundred pounds and having feet twice my normal size and all.

DARREN: I see.

RORY: But she took night classes and graduated last year. She has an AA degree in business.

MARIE: Well, thatís wonderful.

DARREN: In fact, itís refreshing. It might even be to Roryís benefit. Good things didnít come to your family in one fell swoop, you struggled for it.

LORELAI: Thatís true.

DARREN: One fell swoop, interesting phrase.

JACK: Very.

DARREN: Origin?

JACK: It was coined in MacBeth and derives from Middle English.

DARREN: Very good, son. You know your Shakespeare then, do you?

JACK: More than most.

DARREN: In which play does Falstaff appear?

JACK: That would be plays.


JACK: Henry the Fourth, part one and two, and The Merry Wives of Windsor.

DARREN: So that was a different Falstaff than Henry the Fifth?

JACK: Aw, shoot!

DARREN: This is a little tradition with us, quizzes at meals. It keeps the Springsteens sharp.

LORELAI: Very Kennedy-esque.

JENNIFER: Mm, we love the Kennedys!

LORELAI: As do we all.

DARREN: Now, the person questioned can challenge me with a follow-up if he gets his question right. Gets pretty competitive.

LORELAI: Well, if pistols are drawn, weíre ducking.

DARREN: Jack, which Polish composer Ė

JACK: Chopin!

DARREN: Patience. . .became Prime Minister of his country?

JACK: Paderewski.

DARREN: Thatís right, but your impetuousness cost you a follow-up. Jennifer, can you give me the three sub-classes of the Mesozoic Era?

JENNIFER: Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous.


JENNIFER: Follow-up Ė what preceded the Mesozoic Era?

DARREN: Paleozoic.

LORELAI: Heís good.

MARIE: Itís hard to stump Darren.

JENNIFER: Impossible, heís brilliant.

DARREN: Open question Ė which mythological figure has the head of a man, the body of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion? Hereís a hint Ė itís also the title of a novel by Robertson Davies.

RORY: Oh, Manticore.

DARREN: Very good, Rory.

JACK: Yes, very good, Rory.

JENNIFER: Yes, very good, Rory.

MARIE: More water, Lorelai?

LORELAI: Please, thank you.

DARREN: Do you know which French city famous for its water was the capital of collaborationist France?

LORELAI: Oh, me? Um, Evian, Perrier, uh, Le Crystal Geyser?

DARREN: Jennifer, you wanna help Lorelai out?


DARREN: Thatís correct.

LORELAI: Oh, thatís right. Vichy water, I knew that.

DARREN: What about the year of Germanyís victory in the Franco-Prussian War?

LORELAI: Huh, me again?

DARREN: If you wish.

LORELAI: I donít know that one. I do know Instanbul is Constantinople, so if youíve got a date in Constantinople, sheíll be waiting in Instanbul.

DARREN: Thatís true.

RORY: You know, um, sorry to interrupt, but Iíd like to wash my hands.

DARREN: Our fault, we rushed you in here.

MARIE: Our downstairs is being remodeled, you have to use upstairs. End of the hall.

RORY: Thank you.

LORELAI: Hurry back.

RORY: I will.

[leaves room]

LORELAI: So, that painting there, wow. The colors are so great, I canít stop staring at it. Itís just beautiful.

DARREN: It is. Itís by a student of Matisse. I think he caught the masterís colors wonderfully.

LORELAI: Oh, Matisse, love him.

DARREN: I think only a charlatan wouldnít. Anyone know the artistic movement Matisse championed and referred to as the Wild Beast?

JENNIFER: Oh, fauvism!

DARREN: Correct.

JENNIFER: Follow up?

DARREN: And then weíll go round robin.


[Rory stops outside a bedroom when she hears music inside. A girl rushes past her and goes into the bedroom]

CAROL: Coming through!

RORY: Oh, sorry. I just heard music and . . .

[follows her into the bedroom] Cool room.

CAROL: Tom Waits.

RORY: What?

CAROL: The music.

RORY: Oh, I thought so. I love him.

CAROL: I worship him. I even mildly stalked him once.

RORY: Really?

CAROL: Last year, I heard he was staying at this hotel so I went there everyday and sat in the lobby drinking massive amounts of coffee waiting for him to walk by.

RORY: Did you see him?

CAROL: Nope, never came down. For all I know, heís still there. Hand me that brush?

RORY: Oh, here.

CAROL: Stupid manager made me cover for Fiona today. That girlís a major pie crust. Ears?

RORY: What?

CAROL: On the chair. What time is it?

RORY: Um, three.

[hands her a pair of bunny ears]

CAROL: Oh, totally late for my next job. Oh well, guess Grandma had to take another trip to the emergency room, right? Are they on straight?

RORY: I think so.

CAROL: Good. Who are you?

RORY: Iím sorry, Iím Rory Gilmore.

CAROL: Youíre one of the Harvard bound?

RORY: Yeah. At least, I hope so.


[starts pulling on a bunny costume] Oh, trust me, you are. Youíve got that really good, straight, shiny Harvard hair. Zip me up?

RORY: Iím sorry, are you Carol?

CAROL: Yeah, why?

RORY: I donít know, I just didnít expect. . .

CAROL: What?

RORY: Well, you.


RORY: I donít know. Your parents just made it sound like. . .

CAROL: Like I was holed up in the Chelsea with a needle sticking out of my arm screaming Sid at the top of my lungs?

RORY: Kind of.

CAROL: Well, to them, this is pretty close.

RORY: Can I ask you what exactly you are dressing up like this for?

CAROL: Morgan Tannerís fourth birthday party.

RORY: Youíre kidding.

CAROL: Nope, this is my fifth birthday party this week. Great tips, all cash, and of course, thereís cake.

RORY: So youíre a waitress and a birthday bunny and you go to school. Thatís pretty amazing.

CAROL: I donít go to school.

RORY: Oh, sorry, I just assumed. I mean, your family . . .

CAROL: My brother and sister got stuck on that conveyor belt. I, however, escaped somewhere around the eleventh grade, thank God.

RORY: Huh.

CAROL: Oh, hey, but no offense. I mean, thatís just me. If you like being on the conveyor belt, then good for you.

RORY: Iím not on the conveyor belt.

CAROL: Okay.

RORY: Iím not. I want this. Iíve dreamt of going to Harvard since I was a little girl.

CAROL: Yeah, a lot of four year olds dream of that. It comes right after meeting Harry Potter.

RORY: Hey, I am not gonna justify myself to someone with a tail.

CAROL: Youíre right, Iím sorry. Itís just that around here the Harvard brainwashing starts in the womb. If you were to tell either of my siblings that there was another life choice outside of the Ivy League, I think their khakis would wrinkle.

RORY: Well, maybe they really want it.

CAROL: Nope, my parents want it and they wanna please my parents. Have you seen a carrot?

RORY: Donít you wanna please your parents?

CAROL: Yeah, but not at the expense of finding myself.

RORY: Or your carrot.

CAROL: You gotta have your carrot. So, tell me something, Harvard hair Ė how bad do you wanna please your parents?

RORY: My mom, and really bad, but itís not hard to please my mom. Sheís okay with anything I do. As long as Iím happy, sheís good.

CAROL: Youíre sure?

RORY: Iím very sure.

CAROL: Then youíre lucky.

RORY: Yeah, I am lucky.

[Lorelai walks into the room]

LORELAI: Oh, Rory, quick, uh, what are the three major Hindu deities, because Iíve missed four questions in a row and if I miss another one, I donít think I get dessert.

RORY: Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu.

LORELAI: Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu. Hi other daughter.


LORELAI: And I probably shouldnít do a gesundheit joke when I say Vishnu?

RORY: Good thinking.

LORELAI: Okay, thanks, bye.

[leaves room]

RORY: Wait, Iíll go with you.

[to Carol] Iím glad to have met you.

CAROL: Oh, same here. Good luck with Harvard.

RORY: Thanks.

[Rory walks into the hallway and hugs Lorelai]

LORELAI: Oh. . . oh. Whatís that for?

RORY: For not putting me on the conveyor belt.

LORELAI: Yes, that was very big of me.

RORY: You donít know.


[Lorelai, Rory, and Darren walk out of the house]

RORY: Thank you so much for this, for answering all my dumb questions.

DARREN: You asked no dumb questions, and I hope my answers sufficed.

RORY: Definitely. Bye.

[walks down the front walkway]

DARREN: Au revoir.

LORELAI: Yeah, thank you so much for everything. I know it did a world of good for her.

DARREN: Sheís a very impressive young lady.

LORELAI: I wholeheartedly concur.

DARREN: You molded her well.

LORELAI: Oh, no, I didnít mold her. Rory popped out that way.

DARREN: Youíre being modest.

LORELAI: You donít know me, do you?

DARREN: So long.


[Darren goes back into the house as Lorelai walks over to Rory]

RORY: What did he say?

LORELAI: That youíre Godlike.

RORY: Is that all?

LORELAI: Oh, and that his brother Bruce Springsteen would be happy to come and play at our next party or event.

RORY: That would be swell of Bruce.

LORELAI: I figured your graduation party.

RORY: Iíll be very popular.


[That night, people are gathered at Miss Pattyís studio for a town meeting]

TAYLOR: All in favor, say aye. EVERYONE: Aye.

TAYLOR: All right, let the record show that the funds have been approved to close the town bank account that holds the town funds in order to open a new town funds bank account at a different banking institution.

[Lorelai and Rory walk in]

TAYLOR: Young ladies, in anticipation of your tardiness, we saved two seats for you right there in the back.

LORELAI: Thanks for thinking of us, Taylor.

[they walk up to sit in the front] Whew! Okay, raise your hand if you bathed in cologne.

TAYLOR: In the interest of getting home sometime tonight, Iíd like to bring up the final point of business, and that is a certain citizenís desire to open an old fashioned soda shop in town.

LUKE: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

BABETTE: Whoís the guy?

LUKE: What other putz would wanna open up an old-fashioned soda shop?

TAYLOR: Dispense with the Yiddish, young man.

LUKE: This is not a town matter, Taylor. This is a private matter between you and me which was settled when I said no.

TAYLOR: This is a town matter because when this town is in need of a particular business to provide necessary services, itís up to the town to band together and lure it.

LUKE: How does a stupid soda shop count as a necessary business?

TAYLOR: Allow me to show you something that will make you wonder how we ever lived without it. Kirk, if you will.

[Kirk pushes a covered table in front of the podium]

TAYLOR: Kirk, I told you to get something decorative to cover it.

KIRK: Well, my mom wouldnít let me use one of her nice tablecloths so I just grabbed a sheet from my hamper.

TAYLOR: Take it off.

[Kirk removes the sheet to reveal a miniature model of the proposed soda shop]

LUKE: Whatís that, a toy?

MISS PATTY: Oh, itís awfully cute.

TAYLOR: That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business.

RORY: Wow, thereís little people and everything.

SOOKIE: They look so real.

JACKSON: Hey, itís me holding a tiny zucchini!

LORELAI: Look at the horse drawn carriage.

TAYLOR: My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. Itís very eighteen-hundreds.

BABETTE: The horse is taller than the front door.

LORELAI: Way taller.

LUKE: What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?

TAYLOR: Itís slightly out of proportion.

BABETTE: Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking.

TAYLOR: Youíre missing the big picture here, townsfolk. Now, this wonderful business belongs in Stars Hollow Ė whether Luke rents the space willingly or not.

LUKE: How would I not rent it willingly?

TAYLOR: Iím talking about eminent domain, my friend. Check the townís bylaws. If a three-fourths majority finds it necessary to use the space for a specific function, the landowner must concede.

LUKE: Thatís for taking over houses to turn into hospitals during a national emergency like the Civil War. If you wanna turn this place into a Civil War hospital, be my guest!

TAYLOR: Some would attest that the succor that my soda shop is going to offer is on the same level as the comfort that a hospital could provide.

LUKE: Youíre gonna need a hospital, Taylor!

LORELAI: Hit him!

RORY: Which one?

LORELAI: Either one, Iím easy.

TAYLOR: Come on, Luke. This shop is based on the original soda shop that was in town eighty years ago. Donít you see? You are preventing the town Ė

LUKE: From moving backwards. Who here wants to do that?


[in high voice] We like ice cream.

LUKE: Oh, come on.

RORY: A nice burger from Lukeís and an ice cream soda, yum!

LUKE: You want that thing?

LORELAI: With a cherry.

LUKE: With the striped awning an

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