Written by: Joanne Waters
Directed by: Adam Nimoy
PREVIOUSLY ON GILMORE GIRLS
MICHEL: Independence Inn, Michel speaking.
SOOKIE: I fixed the peach sauce.
LORELAI: I want to take a bath in that sauce.
SOOKIE: I will make more.
[Inn front desk]
LORELAI: Have Michel look at your french paper before you go.
MICHEL: Excuse me?
RORY: Thatíd be great.
RORY: Whatís going on?
LORELAI: Open it.
RORY: Iím gonna be in a Brittney Spears video?
SOOKIE: Youíre going to Chilton! Oh, sorry.
[Stars Hollow High]
LANE: So I told my mom youíre changing school.
RORY: Was she thrilled?
LANE: The partyís on Friday.
[Lorelai on the phone]
LORELAI: I got the invoice for your enrollment fee.
LORELAI: You did it babe, you got in.
[Lorelai on the phone]
LORELAI: Wow thatís a lot of zeros behind that five.
LORELAI: Hi mom.
GRANDMA: Lorelai, my goodness, this is a surprised.
GRANDPA: So you need money.
LORELAI: Itís not for me, itís for Rory.
GRANDMA: Since we are now financially involved in your life, I want to be
actively involved in your life.
CHARLESTON: Ms. Gilmore, Iím headmaster Charleston.
LORELAI: Mom, what are you doing here?
GRANDMA: I came to wish my granddaughter luck on her first day of school.
LORELAI: She is my daughter and I decide how we live, not you.
GRANDMA: Iím allowed to pay for it but I canít actually set foot on the
premise. I just want to get the rules straight.
LORELAI: Oh boy.
RORY: So this whole plaid skirt thing - my idea?
LORELAI: My day sucked too.
CUT TO GRANDMAíS HOUSE
GRANDPA: Dinner was lovely Emily.
GRANDMA: Mira does make a perfect cassoulet.
LORELAI: Whoís Mira.
GRANDMA: Our cook.
LORELAI: I thought the cook was Heidi.
GRANDMA: Oh no, we let Heidi go months ago. She had a problem closing
things. The door, the refrigerator.
GRANDPA: The liquor bottle.
GRANDMA: Then it was Trina, then Sophia.
GRANDPA: Oh I like Sophia.
GRANDMA: You did not.
GRANDPA: I didnít?
GRANDMA: She was the one who sang.
GRANDPA: Thatís right - terrible woman (shudders).
GRANDMA: And after Sophia we had Anton.
GRANDPA: Thatís right. Anton was the one that I liked.
LORELAI: Iím sorry, dad. How do you mix up Anton and Sophia?
GRANDPA: What do you mean?
LORELAI: Well, one is a man and one is a woman.
GRANDPA: And your point being?
LORELAI: That one is a man and one is a woman.
GRANDPA: I have a lot to do in a day Lorelai, I donít have time to keep up
with all the multitudes of people your mother employs.
LORELAI: But one is a man and one is a woman. (Rory sighs. Cook brings in
dessert.) Oh the dinner was so wonderful, Mira.
COOK: Itís Sarah.
LORELAI: Oh, Iím sorry (cook leaves) Mom, her name is Sarah!
GRANDMA: I thought she said Mira.
RORY: Hey grandma, these plates are really pretty.
GRANDMA: Thank you Rory, they were your great-grandmotherís
GRANDPA: Lorelai the first.
RORY: I thought mom was the first.
GRANDPA: No, no.
GRANDMA: Not in the name.
LORELAI: No, but in so many other things, I was a regular trail blazer.
Just finishing your thought mom.
GRANDPA: Well Lorelai the first was my mother. She was an extremely
accomplished equestrian, a distinguished patron of the arts and she was also
world-famous for her masquerade balls. She was quite a woman my mother.
GRANDMA: Yes she was. Mira come cut the cake please!
LORELAI: Yes and why donít you bring Sarah out here with you!
GRANDMA: So Lorelai, how are things at that charming little inn of yours?
LORELAI: Theyíre still charming and little and weíre just crossing our
fingers it doesnít assert itself and become rude and large.
RORY: Momís having a huge wedding there this week.
LORELAI: Yeah, actually thereís people coming from all over the country.
GRANDMA: Well, isnít that nice.
GRANDMA: Rory howís Chilton?
LORELAI: Ok done with me now.
GRANDMA: Iím sorry, was there more to the story?
LORELAI: Uh, Rory has to pick a team sport to play.
RORY: Itís a requirement.
GRANDPA: Physical fitness is as important as intellectual fitness, so says
Plato, and so say I.
GRANDMA: What sport are you going to pick?
RORY: Iím not sure. Iím not really the athletic type.
LORELAI: I told her she should go out for the debate team.
RORY: Itís not a sport.
LORELAI: It is the way the Gilmores play.
GRANDMA: So what are your choices.
RORY: God - thereís like a thousand of them. Basketball, lacrosse,
swimming, track, golf -
GRANDMA: Well your grandfatherís a golf player.
GRANDMA: He plays ever week at the club. He can teach you to play like a
GRANDMA: Why he could take you there on Sunday. Itís perfect.
GRANDPA: Itís not something you can teach in an afternoon.
LORELAI: Thatís ok, Rory can pick something else.
GRANDMA: Why should she pick something else? She needs to learn a sport and
Richard can teach her a sport. You can use your motherís clubs. Theyíre
upstairs gathering dust along with the rest of her potential.
LORELAI: Ok, mom, could I maybe talk to you for a minute?
GRANDMA: Weíre having dessert.
LORELAI: I know but Iíd like to talk to you fast before the sugar set in and
makes me crazy.
GRANDMA: You are the oddest person.
LORELAI: Yeah - too easy. [they leave to go into the other room]
GRANDMA: What is so important that it canít wait for cake.
LORELAI: Keep moving.
GRANDMA: This is as far as I can go unless youíd like me to bore my way
through the wall.
LORELAI: Donít do this mom.
GRANDMA: Do what?
LORELAI: Force Rory and Dad to go golfing.
GRANDMA: Iím not forcing anybody.
LORELAI: Well youíre manipulating the situation in a way that gives no one a
way out - thatís forced, look it up.
GRANDMA: Iím just trying to help your daughter get and education.
LORELAI: Thank you, sheíll find another sport.
GRANDMA: Why should she?
LORELAI: Because she doesnít want to go and Dad doesnít want to take her.
GRANDMA: Oh your father doesnít know what he wants. Heíd get his hair cut
at the butcherís if I let him.
LORELAI: Just let it go please.
GRANDMA: Well isnít this interesting. Youíre afraid.
LORELAI: Of what?
GRANDMA: That Rory will enjoy the club and have a good time without you.
LORELAI: Thatís crazy.
GRANDMA: I agreed.
LORELAI: Iím not afraid.
GRANDMA: Then let her go.
LORELAI: She wonít enjoy it mom.
GRANDMA: Well why donít we let Rory decide.
LORELAI: Because Rory is the sweetest kid in the whole world and she wonít
tell you that she doesnít want to go because sheís too afraid of hurting
GRANDMA: Oh Iím sure you can give her some coaching to get over that.
LORELAI: Iím not trying to hurt your feelings mom. Believe it or not, this
is not about you.
GRANDMA: Of course itís about me. If Rory goes and has a good time without
you, then I win.
LORELAI: Ok, Bob Barker. Listen, Rory knocks herself out all week at
Chilton, the weekends are the only time she has to unwind and have fun.
GRANDMA: With you.
LORELAI: Iím there.
GRANDMA: So let me get this straight - thereís no way that Rory could
possibly enjoy a weekend day with her grandfather.
LORELAI: Oh, youíre just gonna twist it all around arenít you?
GRANDMA: And you know your daughter so well that you donít even have to ask
her opinion on this, sheís be miserable and you know it.
LORELAI: Iím so setting myself up here, but yes, she would be miserable.
GRANDMA: That sounds a little controlling to me.
LORELAI: Yeah, I walked right into that.
GRANDMA: Interesting isnít it, you being the one whoís controlling.
LORELAI: I am not being -
GRANDMA: According to you I was the only one in the family with that
LORELAI: Mom I never said that!
GRANDMA: I guess you and I are more alike than you thought, arenít we?
LORELAI: [raising her hands in surrender] You win.
GRANDMA: Thank you.
CUT TO OUTSIDE GRANDMAíS HOUSE
LORELAI: [sighs] Oh man, did you get blindsided? Iím so sorry!
RORY: Thatís ok.
LORELAI: I tried to stop it - I swear.
RORY: I know. Maybe it wonít be that bad.
LORELAI: Maybe it wonít.
RORY: Maybe Iíll like it.
LORELAI: Maybe you will.
RORY: Maybe you could come with me.
LORELAI: Oh, is there a Ďyouíre crazyí team? Cause I think theyíd make you
LORELAI: Rory, I love you. I would take a bullet for you, but I would
rather stick something sharp in my ear than go to the club with you.
LORELAI: Iíd rather slide down a banister of razors and land in a pool of
alcohol than go to the club with you.
RORY: I got it.
LORELAI: Donít stop me Iím on a roll. Iíd rather eat my own hand than go to
the club with you. Ooh, Iíd rather get my face surgically altered to look
like that lunatic witch lady with the lion head than go to the club with
RORY: Would you like me to drive so you can continue your diatribe
LORELAI: Would you? Thanks. Iíd rather cut off my head and use it as a
punch bowl than go to the club with you.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai walking with twin brides and mom.]
LORELAI: Youíll walk down here over the bridge with the swans floating by
and the music playing.
JACKIE: What are they doing with those purple flowers?
LORELAI: Just decorating the bridge.
JACKIE: I didnít want purple flowers - I wanted pink.
JESSICA: And I wanted blue.
LORELAI: So I thought violet would be a nice compromise.
JACKIE: But we paid for pink flowers.
JESSICA: And blue flowers.
MRS. SHALES: You did not pay for anything. I told her to decorate with
violet flowers and while itís very nice of her to try to take the heat for
me, itís certainly not necessary. If you donít like it, buy your own
flowers. [both girls are silent] Yes. I thought so. Now go away, my advil
is wearing off. [girls leave] Their father spoiled them.
LORELAI: Oh theyíre just excited.
MRS. SHALES: Theyíre spoiled. And they wonít move away. [walking back to
the inn] Now disaster list, what if it rain?
LORELAI: Weíll put up tents.
MRS. SHALES: What if itís too windy?
LORELAI: Well then weíll secure everything and put extra hairspray in
MRS. SHALES: Too hot?
LORELAI: Weíll use umbrellas and fans that wonít cause any damage because of
the things that have been secured and the hair that has been sprayed.
MRS. SHALES: So I have nothing to worry about?
MRS. SHALES: Oh there must be something.
LORELAI: Listen, I have everything under control. Why donít you go up to
your room and have a fabulous bubble bath and Iíll send up some wine and a
masseuse who bears a remarkable resemblance to Antonio Banderas.
MRS. SHALES: How remarkable?
LORELAI: Get ready to applaud.
MRS. SHALES: This is my favorite place in the whole world.
[Pan to inside Inn. Michel handing out gift baskets.]
LORELAI: [to employee] Could you send Maury up to room 12 in about 20
minutes? Thanks. [to Michel] So, any problems?
MICHEL: With the wedding or my life?
LORELAI: One guess, and Iíll give you a hint - itís not your life!
MICHEL: Do you stage these events to torture me?
MICHEL: Job well done.
LORELAI: Ok, letís start again. Any problems?
MICHEL: Guests are checked in, baskets are given out, and 200,000 tons of
Jordan almonds have been delivered.
LORELAI: Ok good. Did Rory call?
LORELAI: Hmm. Sheís golfing all day with my father and Iím half expecting
this big Ďsave meí call to come in and - you donít care at all do you?
MICHEL: To me you are the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon.
LORELAI: Ok, forget it. So have the grooms arrived yet? Their plane was
supposed to get in at 7:30, Iím surprised theyíre not here by now.
MICHEL: Well maybe they made a run for it.
LORELAI: Ooh, somebody got stood up at the prom.
MICHEL: [looks up] OhÖdear.
LORELAI: What? [looks up and see twins enter the inn] Wow.
MICHEL: Are those -
LORELAI: No, it would beÖ
[Twin brides run up to twin grooms]
MICHEL: You kept this from me on purpose.
LORELAI: Itís like a really snooty Doublemint commercial.
MICHEL: Just let me know when the midgets and clowns arrives.[turns and
LORELAI: Oh no - no, no. You have to get them all settled in.
MICHEL: Iím not talking to them.
LORELAI: Yes you are.
MICHEL: Well Iím not talking to them nicely.
CUT TO GRANDMAíS HOUSE
GRANDPA: Itís after 8:00, she should be here already.
GRANDMA: Sheíll be here.
GRANDPA: Youíre supposed to tee off at your designated time.
GRANDMA: You pay good money to that place, youíll tee off when you tee off.
Is that what youíre wearing?
GRANDPA: Whatís wrong with what Iím wearing?
GRANDMA: Nothing, itís fine.
GRANDPA: This whole thing is absurd!
GRANDMA: Sheís your granddaughter.
GRANDPA: Sheís a 16 year old who would rather be at the mall.
GRANDMA: Make sure you show her all around the club - especially the rose
GRANDPA: I am not a guide.
GRANDMA: And make sure you take her to lunch, and have her get dessert.
GRANDPA: No one said anything about lunch.
GRANDMA: I hope Lorelaiís clubs are still in good shape.
GRANDPA: Emily, you are not listening to me. I will teach her to golf, as
promised by you, but lunch is out of the question.
GRANDMA: You have to eat.
GRANDPA: Yes well -
GRANDMA: So youíll eat together. Do you have sunscreen?
GRANDMA: Oh sheís here.
GRANDPA: Oh 8:30. We must remember to buy her a watch.
GRANDMA: Richard, so help me God, you will be sweet to this girl and make
this a memorable day for her. This is the first time weíve gotten to show
off our granddaughter at the club and it means a great deal for my happiness
- and yours - that this day go well. Are we clear? [Grandpa nods. Opens
door] Rory! Hello!
RORY: Sorry Iím late.
GRANDMA: Nonsense, youíre right on time.
RORY: Hi Grandpa.
GRANDPA: Rory, nice to see you.
GRANDMA: This is a perfect day for golfing isnít it Richard?
GRANDPA: Itís cooler at 8:00
RORY: Am I dressed ok? I didnít have any of those short pant things.
GRANDMA: Well actually there is something missing. Oh wait a minute. [puts
a colorful beret on her] There you go, now you look just like Tiger Woods.
RORY: Wow, thatís some hat.
GRANDMA: Ok, off you go you two. Have a wonderful time.
RORY: We will.
GRANDPA: You bet. [Grandpa and Grandma stare at each other for a moment,
then he leaves]
CUT TO CLUB
RORY: Is it hard to become a member here?
GRANDPA: Well, everyone has to go through a thorough screening process.
RORY: Kind of like the FBI?
GRANDPA: Oh, weíre much more thorough than that.
GRANDPA: Yes. Do you know the merger of Forscape and DSS happened right
here on this lawn?
GRANDPA: Mm. International finance will never be the same and all because
of a lost golfing bet.
RORY: Thatís crazy.
GRANDPA: Well thatís high finance. Well, here we are. Now what do you know
RORY: That itís a good walk spoiled.
GRANDPA: Well, your driver is your most powerful club in your bag. And as
such it can be your most valuable asset or your greatest liability. To
wield it properly, requires a precise combination of confidence and
RORY: Confidence and humility - got it.
GRANDPA: There you are [handing her the club] Oh thatís a pretty good
natural grip. Now line the toe of your left foot up with the ball. Thatís
right. Now drop this shoulder a bit. Now, keeping your left arm firm, draw
the club back and swing it cleanly through that ball. [Rory swings and hits
the grass in front of the ball]
RORY: Iím betting that was wrong.
GRANDPA: There are no rights or wrongs to the learning process.[ fills
divot] Try that again. [She swings and hits that divot]
RORY: Iím betting that was wrong.
CUT TO INN KITCHEN
[Jackson comes in and puts a box down on the counter]
SOOKIE: These are blueberries. I think I ordered strawberries.
JACKSON: I know.
SOOKIE: Yeah - no I did. I wrote it down. I got a copy.
JACKSON: Sookie listen -
SOOKIE: [picks up list] Yeah. Mushrooms, melon, endive, peaches, kiwi -
JACKSON: Excuse me crazy lady.
SOOKIE: Ooh I should make some kiwi ice cream. That would be good sometime -
JACKSON: Listen, I know you ordered strawberries, but they werenít any good.
So instead of selling you substandard strawberries, I brought you
SOOKIE: Huh. Well Iíve gotta make strawberry shortcake for 200 people, so I
think Iím gonna need the strawberries.
JACKSON: Use the blueberries.
SOOKIE: To make what?
JACKSON: Blueberries shortcake.
SOOKIE: Thereís no such thing.
JACKSON: Hey the world was flat until someone took a boat trip.
SOOKIE: Can I see these strawberries?
SOOKIE: Just one?
SOOKIE: How about a polaroid?
LORELAI:[entering kitchen] Coffee, coffee, coffee. Ooh Sookie, can I take
some of this cake home to Rory? Sheís gonna need some special treat
tonight. Sheís spending the entire day with my father golfing at the club.
JACKSON: Take the blueberries!
LORELAI: The whole thing was masterminded by my mother, of course. One
minute weíre having an excruciating family dinner, the next minute sheís
manipulated my kid into spending her Sunday with my father at the country
club. Oh, I canít talk about it anymore, itís making me too upset. Tell me
SOOKIE: [almost in tears] I canít make the strawberry shortcake.
LORELAI: Wow, you suck at this game.
MICHEL: [entering kitchen] The battle for soup versus salad is raging in the
other room. Come quick and settle it please as I am running out of french
curse words that they wonít understand. [Lorelai pouts and leaves]
[Pan to Lobby]
JESSICA: You always have salad before a traditional dinner.
JACKIE: Why are you making such a scene Jessica.
[Mom comes rushing up to Lorelai]
MRS. SHALES: Itís been 45 minutes of soup or salad - soup or salad. I canít
do it anymore. Get me a cab, Iím going to go far away now and never come
LORELAI: Well how about if the guest get a choice of soup or salad.
MRS. SHALES: That might work [goes back to girls who are still arguing as
Sookie joins Lorelai and Michel]
LORELAI: Choice of soup or salad.
SOOKIE: Got it.
LORELAI: Itís so weird [as grooms join brides]
SOOKIE: Which one is which?
LORELAI: I donít know. I think the one on the right is Matt.
MICHEL: No the one on the left is Matt, the one on the right is Mark.
LORELAI: Thatís very impressive.
MICHEL: Yes well Iím very good at observing people. You know learning their
tics and traits, the sound of their voices. Itís a gift.
SOOKIE: That one has a post-it on itís back.
MICHEL: Oh well then thatís Mark and the one on the right is Matt.
LORELAI: You will go take that off of him.
MICHEL: I will not. We canít all just call everyone Ďsweetieí and get away
SOOKIE: Now go with me here, but letís say Mark walks into a hotel room and
sees his wife naked but itís not his wife, itís his naked sister-in-law and
he has sex with her, would that be cheating.
MICHEL: My head hurts.
LORELAI: [laughing] I think no.
SOOKIE: Really? Lucky.
MICHEL: If you ask me this union belongs on a public access station. Itís
against the laws of nature and just this short of completely obscene.
LORELAI: Well you wonít be giving the wedding toast. [goes to see the
mother] How did everything work out?
MRS. SHALES: Do you have children?
LORELAI: A daughter.
MRS. SHALES: Do you hate her?
MRS. SHALES: Not ever?
LORELAI: Uh, well I wasnít wildly fond of her during labour.
MRS. SHALES: That was the high point for me.
CUT TO CLUB
RORY: I canít believe I hit the ball.
GRANDPA: Well itís quite impressive.
RORY: It landed in the water.
GRANDPA: Yes but the splash was quite impressive.
RORY: This place is so beautiful. I could see just coming here to think or
read, though it probably defeats the purpose of the holes with the flags in
GRANDPA: There is something rather serene about walking around here.
RORY: Do you come here every week?
GRANDPA: No, when I can. Iím often working on weekends.
GRANDPA: Isnít it?
MAN: Bye Richard [Grandpa waves]
RORY: Can I ask you a question?
GRANDPA: Go ahead.
RORY: What do you do?
GRANDPA: Iím Executive Vice President of the Gehrman-Driscoll Insurance
RORY: And as Executive Vice President, what do you do?
GRANDPA: Well itís a very big company - one of the largest in the US as a
matter a fact. I have a myriad of duties which would bore you greatly to
RORY: Oh, ok.
GRANDPA: I oversee our international division.
RORY: That sounds important.
GRANDPA: Well it rates a parking spot.
RORY: Do you get to travel a lot?
GRANDPA: Quite a bit.
GRANDPA: I suspect you have a yen for travel.
RORY: Iím up to my ears in yens.
GRANDPA: Any particular place youíd like to go?
RORY: Hundreds of places - Paris, Rome, London, Prague, Istanbul, Fez - have
you ever been to Fez?
GRANDPA: Canít say that I have.
RORY: I want to go to Fez.
GRANDPA: I think traveling for a young girl is a very important thing. Your
mother never got a chance to travel much.
RORY: I know, she talks about that all the time.
GRANDPA: She does?
RORY: Weíve got a deal. When I graduate from high school, weíre gonna go
backpacking through Europe together. You know, do the whole hostel thing.
I just hope it really happens.
GRANDPA: Well weíll just have to make sure it does.
[cart comes up to them]
GRANDPA: Gloria, you look wonderful.
GLORIA: Arenít you sweet? Is Emily here?
GRANDPA: No, Iím taking my granddaughter for a round of golf.
GLORIA: Well we must get together.
GRANDPA: Absolutely. [cart leaves. To Rory] Most odious woman alive.
[Pan to front of clubhouse]
GRANDPA: Uh, now. Weíll meet back here in 40 minutes?
GRANDPA: And then if youíd like we can get some lunch.
RORY: Thatís be great.
[Pan to menís steam room]
MAN #1: And Iím telling him, Iíve been coming here for 20 years my young
friend and for 20 years that cart, number 43, has been my golf cart.
MAN#2: he should have known that.
MAN #1: Oh everybody knows it.
MAN #3: Did he give you the cart?
MAN #1: Damn right he gave me that cart.
MAN #2: You shouldíve never had to ask because he should have known.
GRANDMA: Hello gentlemen.
MAN #1: Richard, good to see you.
GRANDPA: Heard about your golf cart - too bad.
MAN #1: Yeah, well Iím still angry about it.
GRANDPA: Well yes.
MAN #3: Richard, who was that young lady I saw you on the golf course with?
GRANDPA: That is my granddaughter.
MAN #2: Really? Sheís lovely.
MAN #1: Lorelaiís girl.
MAN #3: Youíre lucky. My granddaughter looks like she just fell off a
potato truck. [Grandpa chuckles]
MAN #2: My granddaughter would never be caught in here. It might get in the
way of her time spent at the tattoo parlour or getting something pierced or
doing whatever she does while she runs wild through the streets like a rabid
MAN #1: Cut her off! Thatíll get her attention!
MAN #3: I can help you with the litigation.
MAN #1: Yeah.
GRANDPA: Actually Rory just started Chilton.
MAN #3: Really?
MAN #1: Damn fine school.
GRANDPA: She said she wanted to learn golf. I think sheís taken to it quite
MAN #1: Well, just as long as sheís not taken with a certain golf cart.
MAN #2: Iím writing a letter to the board.
MAN #1: I wish you would.
[The three men continue to discuss]
[Pan the womenís steam room. Rory listening to two women talk]
WOMAN #1: And you know she took the house.
WOMAN #2: And she deserved it - putting up with that tramp for all those
WOMAN #1: Oh, last year christmas. He bought them both the same bracelet.
WOMAN #2: She shouldíve just shot him like his first wife did.
WOMAN #1: Oh I love Janie - is she out yet?
GLORIA: Nannette, Peg.
WOMAN #1: Gloria hi. Good game?
GLORIA: Not bad, you?
WOMAN #1: Oh, I just came for the steam. We must get together and play some
GLORIA: Next week?
WOMAN #1: Iíll call you. [Gloria moves to the other side of the steam room.
Woman #1 whispers] The most odious woman alive.
CUT TO OUTSIDE INN
LORELAI: Ok, I need more tulle here. I need the feeling of a major tutu ok?
Ooh, uh, hey Gary? Gary? The ribbons go on the chairs ok, not the trees.
Oh, great. Hey.
SWAN GUY: Where do you want the swans?
LORELAI: Um, well do you know where the pond is?
SWAN GUY: Nope.
LORELAI: Ok, you know that little road you came up?
SWAN GUY: Nope.
LORELAI: Ok, do you know how to say Ďbig helpí in Chinese?
SWAN GUY: Nope.
LORELAI: Michel! [to guy] This is 20 swans?
SWAN GUY: Sure why not.
MICHEL: You screeched?
LORELAI: Yeah, I need you to show this guy where to put the swans.
MICHEL: Absolutely not.
LORELAI: Well I canít leave ok? I have a major tulle festival going on out
MICHEL: I will never go near those filthy birds.
MICHEL: I hate swans.
LORELAI: These particular swans?
MICHEL: No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg
gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that.
LORELAI: Oh no - not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy
band - kind of a scary feathery NíSYNC kind of fiasco?
MICHEL: This is not funny.
LORELAI: No. Iím sorry itís not. Itís not funny at all. [swan honks and
Michel jumps] Oh my God! Now come on, you have to admit thatís a little
DRELLA: Hey Pepe le Pew, you wanna give me a hand here?
LORELAI: Listen, itís Drella or the swans.
MICHEL: So, either one beast of terror or another?
DRELLA: What the hell is he babbling about?
LORELAI: Heís afraid of the swan.
MICHEL: Thank you.
DRELLA: Of course he is, heís French.
MICHEL: Ok, Iíll take you to the pond.
LORELAI: Thank you.
MICHEL: But stay far away from me [starts down the path far in front of the
swans and continuously looking behind him at the swans]
DRELLA: Canít stand the talk, love to watch the walk.
CUT TO CLUB
RORY: She caught him in the pool house with the tennis pro, not the riding
GRANDPA: I had no idea.
RORY: That committee of yours is not looking at people as much as you think.
GRANDPA: Huh, why would they? From what youíve told me, theyíre all
involved in one nefarious activity after another.
RORY: Itís a conspiracy.
GRANDPA: Itís ĎPeyton Placeí. Is there more?
RORY: Can you handle it?
GRANDPA: Oh, Iíll steel myself.
RORY: Ok. Mr. Neville likes all things frilly.
GRANDPA: Good God. Heís my broker.
RORY: Well I donít think one will affect the other.
MAN #1: Mind if we barge in?
GRANDPA: Well, look whoís here. Ah, Rory, this is Julian Johnson and Edward
MAN #2: Call me Ed.
MAN #1: Yeah you can call me Ed too.
RORY: Itís nice to meet you.
GRANDPA: Would you care to join us?
MAN #2: If Rory doesnít mind us intruding on her time with her grandfather.
RORY: No, thatís fine.
MAN #1: Ah good. [both sitting] So we hear your attending Chilton.
RORY: I just started.
MAN #1:Thatís a hard school.
RORY: Yes sir.
GRANDPA: Rory is an excellent student.
MAN #1: Really.
GRANDPA: 4.0 grade point average.
MAN #1: Wow, thatís got me beat! [Man #1 and Man #2 laugh]
GRANDPA: Sheís going to Fez someday.
MAN #1: Fez? What the hell is in Fez?
GRANDPA: Thatís for her to find out. [Rory and Grandpa exchange looks]
CUT TO LUKEíS
[Rory sitting playing with the beret]
LUKE: Interesting hat. [puts on hat]
RORY: I went golfing with my grandfather today.
LUKE: Did you know that golf courses are an environmental blight because of
the chemicals they use to keep the grass green?
RORY: Actually I did. [Luke looks at her] Bad joke, sorry.
LORELAI: OhÖmy God - this day - the swans, the tulle, my head. Luke, I need
the largest cheeseburger in the world - letís break a record mister. So,
the wedding is a nightmare. We got these 10 boxes of creepy larvae that are
supposed to swarm into beautiful butterflies on the wedding day. They
swarmed a little early. Whatís with the hat?
RORY: Grandma gave it to me.
LORELAI: Oh, now thatís just mean.
RORY: Itís not that bad.
LORELAI: Do you want a mirror?
RORY: Iím taking the hat off.
LORELAI: So, Roryís golfing adventure - tell me.
RORY: It was fine.
LORELAI: Oh honey, I brought you some of Sookieís chocolate cake to make
you feel better.
RORY: It really wasnít that bad.
LORELAI: You are the sweetest kid in the entire world. Where on earth did
you get that from? Luke, am I mistaken or did the sign on the door say
open? So where were we?
RORY: Me golfing.
LORELAI: Right. Go.
RORY: Ok, well, um, by the end of the day, I could even hit the ball.
RORY: Sometimes it wasnít my ball but the intentions were good.
LORELAI: Well good intentions and no physical exertion is what the game of
golf was built on. So, um, did you order?
RORY: Iím not hungry. I had a big lunch at the club.
LUKE: With all the other devastators of our land.
RORY: Luke Iím really sorry, I didnít know.
LUKE: You had a big lunch at the club?
RORY: Yup, it was quite good.
LORELAI: Quite? Whatís with the Ďquiteí?
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: You donít ever say quite.
RORY: I say quite plenty of times.
LORELAI: Whatever. So besides the quite good lunch you had, what else
RORY: Nothing, we played, I met his friends, I took a steam.
LORELAI: You took a steam?
RORY: Yeah. I sweated out all my toxins and I stole a towel.
LORELAI: Wow. Sounds like you really had a good time.
RORY: I did.
RORY: Ok - new word now.
LORELAI: Sorry, I just - Iím just surprised. I thought youíd be bored.
RORY: I was kinda surprised too. I donít know. It was pretty there and
Grandpa and I talked a lot.
LORELAI: You talked? Really?
RORY: Youíre doing it again.
LORELAI: Sorry. You talked?
RORY: We talked about Fez.
LORELAI: And he thought it was a hat.
RORY: I told him about our backpacking trip. He thought it was a great
LORELAI: Wow. So you really had fun.
LORELAI: Thatís great. Thatís really, really, great. [Luke puts a burger in
front of Lorelai who doesnít touch it]
LUKE: I thought you were starving.
LORELAI: Things change, move on.
RORY: Does this hat really look bad on me
LORELAI: [pause] No, I think it kinda looks cute.
CUT TO INN
MISS PATTY: Itís you wedding day. Feel each other. Use the thumping of
your heart as your metronome, let passion be your choreographer. Be as
light on your toes as you are in you hearts. Oh no, no, no, darling, let me
show you how itís done [pulls away bride and pulls groom to her]
MISS PATTY: You know, in some countries if you dance this close youíre
cheating on your wife.
GROOM: Youíre next.
GROOM #2: Take your time.
[Pan to inside Inn]
LORELAI: Hey. Oh my God you have good handwriting.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: You did not get that from me. Your fabulous flair you got from me.
RORY: I also got my deviated septum from you.
LORELAI: Hey, focus on the flair.
MICHEL: Itís for you. He says heís your father, thought why heíd volunteer
that freely I donít know.
LORELAI: My father?
LORELAI: Are you sure?
MICHEL: Please just take the phone [she does] Thank you.
LORELAI: Dad? Yeah itís Lorelai, who else calls you dad? [pause] Yeah sheís
right here, hold on.[To Rory] Itís for you.
RORY: Thanks. Hello? Hey Grandpa. Thatís great. [gets up and goes and
sits on a couch while Lorelai watches]
[Pan to Drella and Mrs. Shales walking through lobby]
MRS. SHALES: Now Jackie wasnít Samuel Barber, John Cage and Philip Glass.
And Jessica wants Shania Twainís ĎI feel like a womaní.
DRELLA: Iím not a jukebox.
MRS. SHALES: Oh please.
DRELLA: Hey do you think I started playing the harp because I thought it
would make me cool - you know, it would finally get me in with the in-crowd?
Maybe Iíd make for some great happy-hour conversation. No, alright - the
music drives me lady. I will play what I feel and you will love it.
MRS. SHALES: Iíll give you an extra $100.
DRELLA: You just got yourself a jukebox.
[Pan to Rory on the couch, with Lorelai watching.]
RORY: Yeah, yeah Iíd love to see it. [pause] No, if you want to.[pause] Sure
that sounds good. Yeah.
CUT TO GILMORE PORCH
[Rory is looking at herself in a mirror]
LORELAI: Should I leave you two alone?
RORY: I think I wanna change my hair.
LORELAI: Really? I think it looks quite good.
RORY: Youíre funny. Do you want something to drink? [going into the
LORELAI: Oh yeah - water. So you talked to Grandpa today?!
RORY: What?! [from kitchen]
LORELAI: Grandpa - he called?!
LORELAI: Anything wrong?!
RORY: [coming back out]No he just found this book we were talking about.
LORELAI: Oh, and he just called to tell you?
RORY: Yeah why?
LORELAI: Nothing. Itís just weird. He just doesnít call the inn that much,
or ever actually.
RORY: Well he knew that I was looking for it soÖ
LORELAI: Oh sure. What book was it?
RORY: Menckenís ĎChrestomathyí.
LORELAI: Oh that one.
BABETTE: [coming up the stairs] Hey! Cinnamonís stuck under our front porch
again. Can I borrow some vegetable oil and a shoe horn?
RORY: Iíll get it. [gets up and goes into the kitchen]
BABETTE: Iím calling him and calling him and I go around the porch and this
big orange tush is just staring me in the face.
LORELAI: I hate when that happens.
BABETTE: Yeah. He must have been meowing for an hour, but Morey was playing
some Thelonious on the steinway and when Morey plays, I go into this trance
where all I can see is blue and moon and stars.
[Hear a loud meow]
MOREY: Heís out Babs!
BABETTE: Oh never mind sugar. [to Morey] Play me home baby!
BABETTE: Oh God! Itís killing me!
RORY: [comes back with oil] Babette didnít take her oil.
LORELAI: Oh keep it, christmas is early this year. So you know what I was
RORY: That Madonna and Sean Penn should get re-married?
LORELAI: Besides that. I was thinking that your golfing expedition should
totally count as a dinner.
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: I mean I think I can get us out of dinner at the grandparents on
Friday. Maybe we can grab a movie.
RORY: Oh, well thatís ok.
LORELAI: Itís not big deal, really.
RORY: No, itís just gonna get Grandma all freaked out.
LORELAI: Yeah, but I can handle those freak outs. Iíve done that.
RORY: You know, I have to get the book from Grandpa anyway. Letís just go.
LORELAI: Oh alright. If you really want to.
RORY: I do.
LORELAI: Ok. Fine. Is that my sweater?
LORELAI: Youíre wearing my sweater.
LORELAI: No, itís ok. Itís just I thought I asked you to at least ask you
know, before you borrow my stuff.
RORY: Iím sorry.
LORELAI: Itís ok. Itís just - itís not too much for a simple ĎCan I borrow
it momí is it?
RORY: No, itís not. Jeez, lighten up.
LORELAI: Itís my favorite sweater too.
RORY: Since when?
LORELAI: Since always.
RORY: This is not your favorite sweater.
LORELAI: Yes it is and now itís gonna be all stretched out just like
everything else you borrow.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Iím talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and
you stretch them out.
RORY: I couldnít possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than
LORELAI: That is not true.
RORY: Yes it is.
LORELAI: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!
RORY: Youíre crazy!
LORELAI: Do you want to measure?
LORELAI: Iím serious. Why donít you go get the measuring tape. Right now.
RORY: I am not going to measure my boobs.
LORELAI: Because you know that youíre totally bigger.
RORY: Iím going inside.
LORELAI: Fine. Donít measure. Weíll just compare bras.
RORY: Stop it!
LORELAI: Iíll stop it when you quit stealing my stuff!
RORY: Youíre cracked![goes inside]
CUT TO STREET
[Lorelai and Sookie walking]
LORELAI: ĎYouíre boobs are bigger than mine?í God, Iím a mental case.
SOOKIE: So apologize.
LORELAI: No, I was too mad and stupid to apologize last night and then she
was gone before I got up this morning. What is wrong with me?
SOOKIE: Youíre very possessive of your sweaters.
SOOKIE: No, I understand. Iím just saying if somebody breathes too hard on
my paring knife, Iím like a crazy spider monkey.
LORELAI: Itís not about the sweater. Itís about the golfing thing. And the
liking it thing. She had fun Sookie, just like my mother said she would.
SOOKIE: Yeah, thatís gotta hurt.
LORELAI: She should have fun. I mean I want her to have a good relationship
with her grandparents. Just because I donít doesnít mean she shouldnít
LORELAI: Right. So why was I trying to get her out of Friday night dinner?
I mean what am I trying to do, undermine their relationship?
SOOKIE: No you werenít.
LORELAI: Yes I was.
SOOKIE: Yes you were.
LORELAI: Yes, Iím four years old.
SOOKIE: Youíre jealous.
LORELAI: Oh Iím not jealous.
SOOKIE: Yeah you are. Youíre jealous because they like Rory better than
LORELAI: Oh thank you for the hug.
SOOKIE: See Iím bad at advice talks. Can we talk about soup? Because Iím
good with soup.
LORELAI: Oh, Iím sorry. Youíre good. Iím just all mixed up. I left that
life you know - the club, my parents - I ran from it as soon as I could. It
just - it never occurred to me that she might want it. It occurred to my
mother though. God I hate that she was right.
SOOKIE: You donít know that sh - Ooh, ooh my God!
[Runs across the street causing a guy on a bicycle go over his handle bars]
GUY: Watch it!
LORELAI: Oh, ooh. Ooh! Aah! Are you ok? Ok.[runs across the street to
catch up to Sookie]
SOOKIE: [to strawberries] Look at you! Youíre beautiful!
LORELAI: I have to be more adult about this. I mean, if the country club
life is what she wants, more power to her right? You know, little white
gloves and coming-out parties, that makes some girls happy right?
SOOKIE: Sure, yeah - if theyíre on Prozac, absolutely.
LORELAI: I just never thought that I raised that kind of kid you know. Not
that thereís anything wrong with that kind of kid - I just - I didnít think
that was Rory. Maybe itís not, I donít know. Am I obsessing? [Sookie
doesnít answer] Sookie? Hello? Do I have to put on my strawberry costume to
get your full attention?
SOOKIE: No, Iím sorry. You have a strawberry costume.
[Jackson walks by and see Sookie]
JACKSON: So this is what weíve come to - you sneaking around behind my back
buying somebody elseís strawberries?
SOOKIE: I was desperate.
JACKSON: You disgust me.
SOOKIE: I needed the strawberries.
JACKSON: Well now you haveíem! I hope youíre happy together.
SOOKIE: Jackson, wait!
[Jackson walks away, Sookie follows]
SOOKIE: Come on Jackson!
SOOKIE: Jackson we can talk about this!
SOOKIE: Jackson get back here! [Jackson running down the street, Sookie
following him yelling at him to stop]
CUT TO WEDDING AT THE INN
[People dancing. Miss Patty dancing as well.]
MRS. SHALES: Oh, pardon me [seeing Lorelai] There you are! We did it.
LORELAI: We sure did.
MRS. SHALES: God, I feel wonderful.
LORELAI: Iím so glad it turned out the way you wanted it to.
MRS. SHALES: Oh, you have no idea. They just told me theyíre going to share
a condo in Tuscan, Arizona. Thatís hundred of miles away!
MRS. SHALES: Oh thank you. [music plays] Sister Sledge, excuse me! [leaves
to go dance]
LORELAI: [goes and sits with Rory whoís manning the guest book] Hey
LORELAI: Good turn out.
LORELAI: Do you want something to drink?
RORY: Are you trying to make up?
LORELAI: No, Iím trying to hydrate you.
RORY: Iím fine, thanks.
LORELAI: Iím sorry.
RORY: Itís ok.
LORELAI: A crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra size took over my body.
RORY: It happens.
LORELAI: Sheís gone now.
RORY: Good to know.
LORELAI: You know, Iím glad youíre bonding with your grandparents.
RORY: No youíre not.
LORELAI: Yes I am. Itís just weird for me, is all. I just - I canít relate
RORY: You could if you tried.
LORELAI: No weíre too - too much has happened. Iím glad you are anyway
LORELAI: I didnít mean to cut you off from them so completely you know. It
just happened. Not having them in my life just felt so right, I just never
thought - Iím sorry.
[They hear a mother lecturing a girl]
MOTHER: I did not pay $500 for this dress so you could run around and mess
it up. Now you sit and be still. Cross your legs, youíre a lady.
LORELAI: God, I must have had a million dresses like that when I was a kid.
RORY: It doesnít really scream you.
LORELAI: No, I did all the screaming.
RORY: Thank you for not putting me in a dress like that.
LORELAI: Youíre welcome. Of course wearing those dresses - not all bad.
LORELAI: Oh no. They really fly up when you twirl around.
LORELAI: And if youíre wearing that ruffled underwear - big crowd pleaser.
RORY: If it makes you feel better, I think I got a fungus from the steam
LORELAI: It does, thank you.
CUT TO GRANDMAíS HOUSE
GRANDMA: Oh good youíre here.
RORY: Hi Grandma.
GRANDMA: My goodness, whatís that?
LORELAI: We brought dessert.
GRANDMA: Really? How thoughtful. What is it?
LORELAI: Blueberry shortcake.
GRANDMA: Iíve never heard of blueberry shortcake before.
LORELAI: Yeah, itís a Stars Hollow specialty.
GRANDMA: Why is it already cut?
LORELAI: Itís left overÖfrom the weddingÖat the inn.
GRANDMA: Yes I know where the wedding was.
LORELAI: Oh sorry, you were just doing that staring thing.
GRANDMA: You brought us used dessert?
LORELAI: Itís not used. Itís leftover.
GRANDMA: How nice. Iíll just put it in the kitchen next to my half empty
box of Cheer. [taking it to the kitchen.]
LORELAI: [whispers to Rory] Sheís in a good mood tonight.
GRANDMA: Can I get you a drink?
LORELAI: White wine would be great.
GRANDMA: So Lorelai, did Rory tell you all about the wonderful time she had
at the club?
LORELAI: She sure did.
GRANDMA: Your father was simply flying all week. She really charmed him.
LORELAI: Aw, well if anyone could it would be her
GRANDMA: I mean in this age of MTV and 100 tv channels, who wouldíve
imagined that a young girl could still get a thrill spending a simple
afternoon with her grandfather?
LORELAI: That wine would be real good right now mom.
GRANDMA: I think we should consider getting her a membership at the club
LORELAI: If she wants - sure.
GRANDMA: I mean to have a place to go to socialize - thatís very important
to a young girl.
LORELAI: Well now especially that the crack den has closed down on the
corner, all her really good friends are gone. [Grandma looks at her] What do
you think mom, should I pursue the career in comedy?
GRANDMA: Itís just very interesting the way things turned out isnít it?
GRANDPA: [entering room] Oh youíre here. Lorelai.
GRANDPA: Rory, I have a surprise. Not only did I find that copy of
Menckenís ĎChrestomathyí that we discussed, I also found a first edition of
his memoirs as well.
RORY: Youíre kidding.
GRANDPA: Itís in my office if youíd like to see them.
RORY: Oh my God, I totally would.
GRANDMA: Iíd like to take a look at those myself [hands Lorelai her wine and
follows leaving Lorelai alone. Lorelai sighs]
Kill Me Now Summary ...