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Transcript: Richard in Stars Hollow ...


Written By: Frank Lombardi
Directed By: Steve Gomer

OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE

[Lorelai and Rory have just arrived]

LORELAI: Thanks. Man, is it cold out there.

RORY: I know, Iím freezing.

EMILY: Well, come on in and sit by the fire. Iíll make you both a drink and then we can talk.

RORY: About what?

LORELAI: Antennas up.

RORY: Aye aye, captain.

[they walk to the living room]

EMILY: So Lorelai, how are you?

LORELAI: Um, Iím fine Mom.

EMILY: Rory?

RORY: Iím fine too, Grandma.

LORELAI: How are you Mom?

EMILY: Also fine.

LORELAI: Oh, look at that. All three of us fine, just like the Judds.

EMILY: So Lorelai, are you dating?

LORELAI: Uh, hm, no, Iím not dating.

EMILY: Really? Thereís no one at all?

LORELAI: No, totally single.

EMILY: Any chance youíd get back with Max?

LORELAI: No Mom, thereís no chance.

EMILY: What about the man at the diner, the one who refuses to shave?

LORELAI: Luke, heís just a friend Mom.

EMILY: Do you think youíll be single your entire life?

LORELAI: Excuse me?

EMILY: I mean, in terms of your finding someone, what do you think the odds are?

LORELAI: Okay, what is going on?

EMILY: Well, I visited the family mausoleum today.

LORELAI: Never what you think itís gonna be!

EMILY: I just wanted to check on things, make sure they were keeping it up, changing the flowers, you know.

LORELAI: Uh huh.

EMILY: So I went inside and looked around and it occurred to me that thereís a very limited space there.

LORELAI: Oh.

EMILY: Now of course thereís a slot open for me and Richard and you and Rory, but after the two of you Ė thatís it. No more room for anyone else.

LORELAI: Ah.

EMILY: Yes. So if you actually do meet someone someday, I donít know where to put him.

LORELAI: Well, maybe we could just dump him at the local pool hall.

EMILY: Donít be silly.

LORELAI: No, because this is definitely not a conversation for that.

EMILY: I looked into expanding into the crypt next door but the family that owns it wouldnít even discuss it with me.

RORY: Iím getting a little creeped out here.

EMILY: So I talked to the head of the cemetery and he suggested that we buy an annex.

RORY: An annex?

EMILY: Yes.

LORELAI: You know, like an outlet store, it would specialize in the irregular family members.

EMILY: So if we do get the annex and you do eventually someday get marriedÖ

LORELAI: Mom, just say it Ė fat chance Ė will you?

EMILY: I just meant that weíll have to decide who to move.

LORELAI: Oh, oh. Well, uh. . .ugh, why donít we move Aunt Cecile? She was always so annoying at parties. She loved the knock-knock jokes.

RORY: Mom!

LORELAI: What?

RORY: You canít just kick out Aunt Cecile.

LORELAI: Knock-knock. Whoís there? Pineapple. Pineapple who? Thatís where it ended. Never fully grasped the knock-knock concept.

EMILY: She was a complete idiot. Okay, itís decided Ė Cecile goes.

LORELAI: Good.

RORY: Look - put me in the annex.

LORELAI: Unh uh. No way. You are not leaving me alone in there with Cecile.

RORY: Well Iím not gonna be held responsible for somebody being kicked out of their eternal resting place.

LORELAI: Ooh, I have an idea. Iíll probably go first, right? So when Rory kicks, just throw her in with me.

RORY: Iíd like my own space if you donít mind.

LORELAI: Why? Itíd totally be fun to be there together. Plus I plan to be buried with all the good CDís and my rock star belt.

[Richard comes down the steps]

RICHARD: Sorry Iím late. What did I miss?

EMILY: We were just discussing who to move to the annex.

RICHARD: Oh. I vote for Cecile. Horrible woman, and those terrible jokes.

LORELAI: Whatíd I tell you?

RORY: This is a cold, cold family.

[Opening Credits]

CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE

[Later that night, Lorelai, Rory, Richard, and Emily are at the table eating dinner.]

LORELAI: This is really good.

RORY: Yeah, what is it?

EMILY: Well, it -.

LORELAI: No, donít tell us.

RORY: Why not?

LORELAI: Because every time in my life that Iíve tasted something great but I didnít know what it was, it turned out to be something really disgusting that had I known what I was eating I never wouldíve tried it in the first place.

RORY: Example?

LORELAI: Snails.

RORY: Gross.

LORELAI: Eat in ignorance and enjoy it, my friend.

RORY: Gladly.

LORELAI: So Dad, howís the retired life treating you?

RICHARD: Well, fascinating actually. I find myself noticing things, everyday things that I mustíve witnessed a hundred times before but just walked right past. Like yesterday, your mother moved a vase, the one in the hall, and she didnít do it in front of me.

LORELAI: Oh no, Ďcause nice girls never move vases in front of men.

RICHARD: And she only moved it a little but as I passed it by I noticed it had been moved.

RORY: Impressive.

RICHARD: And every dayís a new discovery. Your mother changed her hair. Or she wore shoes that didnít match her purse.

EMILY: Richard.

RICHARD: Last Thursday.

EMILY: Oh, for heavenís sake.

RICHARD: You know what else I noticed?

RORY: What?

RICHARD: A first edition Flaubert, mint condition, shoved behind several of my Churchill biographies.

RORY: No!

RICHARD: Interested?

RORY: My life is good.

RICHARD: Follow me.

LORELAI: Ooh Dad, see if you can find a pair of the new Chanel patent leather pirate boots stuffed back behind your Churchills.

RICHARD: Hmm.

[Richard and Rory leave the room]

LORELAI: Whatís up Mom?

EMILY: Nothingís up.

LORELAI: You were twitching. I saw you.

EMILY: You did not see me twitching.

LORELAI: Mom, when Dad was talking about the vase, you were pulling a full-on Tabitha.

EMILY: I did not pull a Tabitha.

LORELAI: Something wrong?

EMILY: No, nothingís wrong.

LORELAI: Hm, okay, nothingís wrong.

EMILY: Itís just that things are a little strange lately.

LORELAI: What is?

EMILY: Having him home.

LORELAI: Ah.

EMILY: Weíve never really been home at the same time. I mean, we got married, we went to Europe, we came back, he went to work, and itís been that way ever since.

LORELAI: Well, so now itís different.

EMILY: Itís very different. Heís always here Ė watching me and noticing when I move a vase and. . .I donít know. Itís silly. So he noticed my hair was different. Women die for that sort of thing.

LORELAI: Aw Mom, itís just an adjustment. Youíve had your routine, heís had his routine. You guys just need to figure out a new routine.

EMILY: I guess so.

LORELAI: Yeah, itíll just take some time. Then youíll find your rhythm and heíll go back to ignoring your hair, all will be well.

EMILY: Yes, youíre probably right.

LORELAI: Mm, I am right. Okay, I give. What is this?

EMILY: Sweetbreads.

LORELAI: Sweetbreads. So thatís uh. . .

EMILY: Pancreas.

CUT TO CHILTON

[At a meeting of the Franklin, Paris is going through a stack of stories that people have submitted.]

PARIS: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

RORY: Paris.

PARIS: Iím not done.

RORY: Sorry.

PARIS: No.

LOUISE: Glad she finished that one.

PARIS: Why am I the only one who cares?

RORY: Youíre not the only one who cares.

PARIS: No. I know you care, but I need everyone in this stupid room to care because I canít be the only one to care. Besides you.

LOUISE: Itís just a contest Paris. Itís not like you get a car or a lifetime supply of Rice a Roni.

MADELINE: God, I love that stuff.

PARIS: The Oppenheimer Award for Excellence in school journalism is not a contest. Itís a statement. It says youíre the best. The best writers, the best reporters, the best editors. It says that you have crushed all others who have dared to take you on. It says that every other single school in the United States of America is feeling nothing but shame and defeat and pain because of the people who won the Oppenheimer plaque. I wanna be those people, I wanna cause that pain.

RORY: Our paper is good.

PARIS: Not good enough.

RORY: Last weekís issue - .

PARIS: Was a fine effort by a bunch of kids.

MADELINE: We are a bunch of kids.

PARIS: Not when weíre in this room, weíre not. Flescher Prep Gazette, Broadmouth Banner, Richmond Heights Chronicle - these publications are not our competition.

LOUISE: Geez.

PARIS: The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post - these publications are our competition.

MADELINE: Paris has gone bye-bye.

PARIS: We need to raise the bar. We need to be better, think harder, dig deeper. I donít wanna just submit a good issue. I wanna submit a great issue, the best issue.

RORY: Whenís the deadline?

PARIS: One week from today.

RORY: Okay, so, then we better get brainstorming. Doe anyone have an idea for a theme?

PARIS: Yes.

RORY: What?

PARIS: The one that wins.

RORY: Okay, good, big help. All right everyone, we should get working. Youíre going to give yourself a stroke one of these days, you know that.

CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE

[Emily walks through the hall into the living room.]

EMILY: Graciela, Iím leaving the shopping list on the table here. And remember we need the low sudsing detergent. I have drawn a picture of what the box looks like, so for heavenís sake pay attention this time.

[Richard walks in]

EMILY: How was your walk?

RICHARD: Carl Lambertson needs a new roof. Iím going to drop him a note.

EMILY: Good idea.

RICHARD: Busy day?

EMILY: Mm, very.

RICHARD: Is that the same cup of coffee you had when I left?

EMILY: What?

RICHARD: When I left an hour ago, you were having a cup of coffee.

EMILY: Oh, no, this is a different cup of coffee.

RICHARD: So then thatís your third cup of coffee this morning?

EMILY: I guess.

RICHARD: Interesting. I just realized you have three cups of coffee in the morning.

EMILY: I donít drink three cups of coffee every morning.

RICHARD: Every morning this week.

EMILY: Well, so what?

RICHARD: Nothing. Just an observation, thatís all. Thatís a lot of coffee to drink early in the morning.

EMILY: Any thoughts on what youíd like for dinner tonight?

RICHARD: Oh no, anythingís fine.

EMILY: All right. [writes something down in her day planner]

RICHARD: What are you writing down?

EMILY: Lamb chops.

RICHARD: Is that for tonight?

EMILY: Yes.

RICHARD: Oh.

EMILY: Do you not want lamb chops tonight?

RICHARD: Oh, no no, lamb chops is just fine for tonight. I just thought a nice roast would also be nice for a change.

EMILY: Roast it is.

RICHARD: Of course, if you want lamb chops Ö

EMILY: Weíre having roast, Richard.

RICHARD: Okay, if thatís what you want.

EMILY: Iím going by the dry cleaners, anything you want me to drop off?

RICHARD: Youíre going to the dry cleaners?

EMILY: Yes.

RICHARD: Well Iíll go with you.

EMILY: I can bring in whatever you have.

RICHARD: I know, but itíd be nice to go together.

EMILY: That would be terribly romantic, but I wonít have time to get back here before my DAR meeting so itís probably better if I go alone. You can come to the cleaners with me next week.

RICHARD: Well yes, well I can go to the meeting with you.

EMILY: You want to go to my meeting of the Daughters of the American Revolution?

RICHARD: Well, well yes, I think itíd be fascinating.

EMILY: But I go straight from there to the symphony luncheon.

RICHARD: Well, Iíll tag along there too.

EMILY: Yes, but from there I get my hair done, and you certainly donít want to sit around while I have my hair done.

RICHARD: No, I donít.

EMILY: There you go.

RICHARD: Well, you can cancel that.

EMILY: I canít cancel that. I get my hair done every Wednesday at three.

RICHARD: Well, your hair looks fine.

EMILY: My hair looks fine because I have my hair done every Wednesday at three.

RICHARD: Well then what am I going to do?

EMILY: Why donít you go to the club?

RICHARD: What?

EMILY: Yes, the club! You spend a fortune to belong there and you never got to go much before. Why donít you go there now?

RICHARD: Go to the club on a Wednesday afternoon?

EMILY: I think it would be perfect.

RICHARD: I donít even know what they do at the club on a Wednesday afternoon.

EMILY: No time like the present to find out.

RICHARD: All right, Iíll go to the club.

EMILY: Wonderful. [starts walking him to the front door]

RICHARD: Go to the club on a Wednesday afternoon. Life certainly is an interesting game of cards, isnít it?

EMILY: It certainly is.

RICHARD: Well, um, Iíll see you, uh, tonight.

EMILY: Have a good time. [closes door] Graciela, I need more coffee now! CUT TO STARS HOLLOW VIDEO

[Rory and Lorelai walk around the video store trying to decide on a movie]

LORELAI: How about a triple feature? Three Days of the Condor, Shoah and The Jerk?

RORY: Uh, Shoahís like nine and a half hours.

LORELAI: But The Jerk is short.

RORY: Hmm, next.

LORELAI: The three faces of Costner Ė Bull Durham, Dances with Wolves, The Postman. Tom Petty playing Tom Petty, that great big speech about ĎOnce upon a time there was a thing called mail.í Itíll make you laugh, itíll make you cry, itíll make you wanna mail something.

RORY: Ooh, we could do a Ruth Gordon film festival. Harold and Maude, Rosemaryís Baby, and that really great episode of Taxi.

LORELAI: Got it. The worst film festival ever. Cool as Ice, Hudson Hawk, and Electric Bugaloo.

RORY: Sold.

LORELAI: Iíll get the Hawk.

RORY: Iíll get the Bugaloo.

[Rory leans down to look through the shelf of videos. Two boys are sitting on the floor looking at a movie box.]

BOY 1: See, I told you.

BOY 2: Wow.

RORY: Hey guys, can I get in there?

BOY 1: Oh, yeah. [both boys walk away]

[Rory finds the movie and stands back up]

LORELAI: Got it, plus four boxes of Red Vines.

RORY: Letís go.

LORELAI: Hi Kirk.

KIRK: Evening Lorelai.

LORELAI: Um, I forgot my card at home but I think my numberís 6247.

KIRK: You forgot your card?

LORELAI: I mightíve lost it.

KIRK: You lost your card?

LORELAI: I might have.

KIRK: Was it temporary or laminated?

LORELAI: Laminated.

KIRK: Thatís a permanent card. You lost a permanent card.

LORELAI: You can just get me a new card Kirk.

KIRK: Fine, but I hope you understand the gravity of the situation here.

LORELAI: Iím trying to grasp it.

KIRK: I mean, these cards are agreements. Itís an agreement between you and the Stars Hollow Video Store stating that you will take care of your card, that you will honor your card, that you will very, very nice to your card...

[Lorelaiís cell phone is ringing]

LORELAI: Kirk.

KIRK: Iíll be right back.

LORELAI: Thanks. [answers phone] Hello? Hello? [to Rory] Reception sucks in here, Iíll be right back.

RORY: Okay.

LORELAI: Hello? [walks away]

KIRK: Itíll be ready in a minute.

RORY: Hey Kirk, there are a couple of little kids over there and theyíre, uh, looking at this tape cover thatís kind of mature. You might wanna put that stuff on a higher shelf or something.

KIRK: Mature? How mature?

RORY: Uh, itís a half-naked woman just standing there.

KIRK: Is she a blonde?

RORY: What?

KIRK: Iíll check it out right now. [walks away]

CUT TO OUTSIDE

[Lorelai walks out of the video store to talk on the phone]

LORELAI: Hey Mom, I can hear you now. Whatís up?

EMILY: You have to take your father.

LORELAI: What?

EMILY: Tomorrow, for the whole day, just take him.

LORELAI: Take him where?

EMILY: I don't care -- the zoo, the mall, Rhode Island, just get him out of my house!

LORELAI: What happened?

EMILY: He's going to join my water aerobics class.

LORELAI: What?

EMILY: He bought some new swim trunks today. He's out of control.

LORELAI: Okay, Mom, calm down.

EMILY: I can't calm down! I can't turn around without him being there, following me, staring at me.

LORELAI: Well, he likes you.

EMILY: Don't be cute, do not be cute. The man is driving me insane. I am going to go insane, and if you don't help me, I will take you with me.

LORELAI: Okay, Mom, I would like to help you but wh --.

EMILY: You owe me!

LORELAI: What?

EMILY: I pay for Rory's school!

LORELAI: Are you serious?

EMILY: And I cosigned your loan! You still have a house because of me!

LORELAI: Are you hearing yourself?

EMILY: I'm sorry but I'm desperate. I just need one day of peace and I will do anything to get it, anything.

LORELAI: Okay Mom, fine, uh, Iíll take him.

EMILY: I canít tell you how much I appreciate this.

RICHARD: [calls from another room] Emily! Where are you?

EMILY: I have to go. Tomorrow morning.

LORELAI: Tomorrow morning. Bye.

CUT TO LORELAIíS HOUSE

[Rory is in her bedroom getting ready for school as Lorelai walks in.]

LORELAI: Oh my God, the most horrible thing just happened. Headmaster Charlestonís office called, heís been kidnapped! Two guys broke into his house and threw him in a hefty bag, used those twisty ties and carted him off. Classes have been canceled until further notice.

RORY: I am going to school Mom.

LORELAI: Rory, come on, itís just one day. Iíll write you a note. ĎDear Nazis, Rory had to miss school today on account of saving her mom from spending the entire day with her father who often looks at her like she has three heads.í

RORY: Out of my way please.

LORELAI: Do you know the last time my father and I were alone together for any extended period of time?

RORY: Unh uh.

LORELAI: I was kicked out of summer class for refusing to call the camp counselor Peaches because I thought the entire concept of the counselors choosing summer fruit names was stupid. So they called my dad and he came to get me and it was just the two of us alone in the car all the way from Maine with nothing to talk about but my camp failure. Luckily I had also flashed the swim team or even that subject wouldíve gotten stale.

RORY: Mom, I have the Franklin today. I cannot miss it.

LORELAI: Rory, please. I can't handle the entire day with him. I can't, I can't, I caaaaanít.

RORY: Mom, I promise. Just make it till the afternoon, and then I promise I'll come right home and I'll take Grandpa off your hands.

LORELAI: All right.

RORY: It'll be fine.

LORELAI: It is not going to be fine. It's going to be horrible. It is going to be a bad, depressing Lifetime movie and Nancy McKeon will be playing me. I am Jo.

[the doorbell rings]

LORELAI: And that would be him.

RORY: Itís not going to be that bad. Hey. Be nice.

LORELAI: Be nice.

RORY: Oh, very good.

[they answer the front door, Richard is standing there]

LORELAI: Hi Dad.

RORY: Hey Grandpa.

RICHARD: Good morning girls.

LORELAI: Did you have any trouble getting here?

RICHARD: Not at all, the directions were fine.

RORY: Well I have to be going, but Iíll see you this afternoon.

RICHARD: I look forward to it.

RORY: Have fun. [leaves]

LORELAI: So good drive, huh?

RICHARD: Very good.

LORELAI: Oh, here. [takes Richardís coat] Would you like some coffee?

RICHARD: Iím fine. Do you want coffee?

LORELAI: Oh yes, God yes, thank you.

[They walk into the kitchen]

LORELAI: So you sure you donít, um. . .

RICHARD: Coffee? Uh, no, no, no, no.

LORELAI: Well, uh, can I offer you anything else? Some Pop Tarts or. . .well, thatís pretty much it.

RICHARD: You donít have to entertain me Lorelai. I just came here to see you and your house and your town. You donít have to do anything special for me.

LORELAI: But youíre my guest.

RICHARD: No, Iím your father. Just do whatever it is you would normally do.

LORELAI: What I would normally do.

RICHARD: Yes. Like for instance, this morning if I wasnít here, you would wake up, obviously get some coffee and. . .then what?

LORELAI: Well, um, Iíd probably read the paper for a little while and then have some breakfast.

RICHARD: Letís read the paper then.

LORELAI: Okay, letís read the paper. [they sit down at the table] Um, what sections would you like?

RICHARD: Oh, you go first. Iíll take whatís left.

LORELAI: Oh, okay. Well, um, normally I read the Arts and Leisure and the Lifestyles.

RICHARD: Perfect. Well, that leaves Business, Sports, and World News.

LORELAI: Oh. That worked out well.

RICHARD: Yes it did, didnít it?

CUT TO LUKEíS DINER

[Lorelai and Richard walk in]

LORELAI: Well, this is it, Lukeís.

RICHARD: You know, when I was in college, there was this horrible little diner across from my apartment building. It was run by this terrible little couple, they were very angry. They would fight, break plates, curse, and I went in there every morning for three years and I had the most dreadful breakfast, just awful. I really miss that place.

LUKE: Morning.

LORELAI: Hey. Um, Luke, you remember my father?

LUKE: Oh yeah, nice to see you again.

RICHARD: Nice to see you. This is quite a place youíve got here.

LUKE: It pays the bills.

RICHARD: Always a plus in business.

LORELAI: Dad, do you know what you want?

RICHARD: Oh, I already ate.

LORELAI: You did? When?

RICHARD: Oh, I had breakfast at home. I get up at 5:30 every morning.

LORELAI: Wow. Why?

RICHARD: Well Iíve gotten up at 5:30 for as long as I can remember.

LORELAI: Yeah, but that was when you had to work. Now you can afford to get a little crazy, get up at quarter to six.

RICHARD: Go ahead and order Lorelai.

LORELAI: Okay. Iíll have a banana, pancakes, side of bacon, and lots and lots of coffee.

LUKE: Coming right up. [walks away]

RICHARD: You didnít order any grapefruit.

LORELAI: Yeah, I donít really like grapefruit.

RICHARD: Oh, I always start my breakfast off with half a grapefruit.

LORELAI: Hm, do the Florida people know about you? Because Anita Bryant left this huge gap that has yet to be filled.

RICHARD: Itís important to start the day off correctly, Lorelai. A grapefruit is brain food. It has vitamin C and folic acid and it helps with your digestion. It really is a terrific fruit.

LORELAI: I feel like youíre about to break into song.

RICHARD: Iím serious about this Lorelai.

LORELAI: I know you are but I still donít like grapefruit.

RICHARD: Well, there are many things in life that we donít like, but the benefits they bring us far outweigh the temporary discomforts we have to endure.

LORELAI: Okay. Hold on a sec.

[Lorelai walks up to Luke at the counter]

LORELAI: Hey, I need a grapefruit.

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: Yeah. Before my pancakes this morning I need half a grapefruit, uh, preferably one that tastes like a donut.

LUKE: I donít have grapefruit.

LORELAI: How can you not have grapefruit?

LUKE: Iíve never had grapefruit.

LORELAI: I need a grapefr. . .Listen, I have my father with me all day, and so far thereís been no major drama or yelling or ugliness but there will be if I donít somehow find a way to get half a grapefruit for breakfast this morning.

LUKE: I could go next door to Dooseís and buy a grapefruit.

LORELAI: I would be eternally grateful.

LUKE: Iíll be right back.

LORELAI: Thank you.

[Lorelai walks back to the table]

LORELAI: Okay, the grapefruit is coming.

RICHARD: Oh, you wonít be sorry.

LORELAI: So listen, I was thinking, um, maybe after weíre done here, you might like to walk around town a little, see the sites. And then Rory usually gets home around four. The two of you can hang out at the house until I get off work and the three of us can hook up for dinner. How does that sound?

RICHARD: Very sensible.

LORELAI: Well yeah, I had to make up for my shoes.

RICHARD: Is that your second cup of coffee?

LORELAI: Uh, third. Why?

RICHARD: No reason. Thatís a lot of coffee first thing in the morning.

CUT TO CHILTON

[Rory is at her locker. She slams it shut and finds Paris standing there.]

RORY: Okay, you have got to stop doing that.

PARIS: So Iíve been doing some research on the Oppenheimer Award, and Iíve noticed something. All of the winning schools had an extremely strong human interest story on page one.

RORY: Okay.

PARIS: And I think thatís what we need. I mean, weíve got the teen issues down, weíve got a decent op-ed and political page, but human interest Ė thatís what weíre missing.

RORY: Ideas?

PARIS: Yes.

RORY: Do tell.

PARIS: According to the papers, thereís been a huge increase in the number of families fleeing the major cities in favor of small towns. Hundreds of thousands of city slicking yuppies carting the trophy wife and the asthmatic kids off to small towns in search of the simple life. Milk a cow, pet a pig, find yourself, all that kind of crap.

RORY: Interesting.

PARIS: Yeah, and I thought about it. Thereís a romantic aspect to small towns. White picket fences, low crime rate, smaller classrooms, better tomatoes. It all seems perfect.

RORY: But?

PARIS: But nothing is perfect, nothing is safe, nothing is ever what it seems. And then it hit me - our story. We are going to blow the lid off the seedy underbelly of small town life, starting with yours.

RORY: Stars Hollows?

PARIS: Yes.

RORY: You are going to uncover the seedy underbelly of Stars Hollow?

PARIS: Yes.

RORY: Paris, Stars Hollow doesnít have a seedy underbelly. We donít even have a meter maid.

PARIS: Look, you may be blind to it because you live there, but trust me, itís there and itís ugly and Iím going to find it. Iíll meet you out front after school.

RORY: I canít today.

PARIS: Why not? Are you hiding something?

RORY: No. I promised my mom that I would help her with something.

PARIS: Well, help her tomorrow. We have work to do.

RORY: Paris!

PARIS: Hey, this could be our chance to nail this thing. Now I have a hunch that thereís a story here and a good one, and Iím going to find it. I was even going to share a byline with you on it, but if you wanna bail out, thatís fine. Iíll just do it myself.

RORY: But -.

PARIS: Am I meeting you or not?

RORY: I donít think youíre gonna find anything.

PARIS: Well, then the worst that can happen is that I spend some time in your town and suddenly have an urge to enter a pie in the county fair. Iíll meet you out front, donít be late.

CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN

[Michel is at the front desk on the phone as Lorelai walks over]

MICHEL: As soon as I can, I will send someone up. . . Yes, I will. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . .I understand. . . Okay. . .I understand. Goodbye. [hangs up]

LORELAI: What do you understand?

MICHEL: I have no idea. I tuned him out at the first screech.

LORELAI: Have we heard from Manny yet?

MICHEL: No, and I have paged him twice.

LORELAI: We only have enough linen for one seating tonight. Hand me the phone.

MICHEL: Plus we are completely out of clean towels.

LORELAI: [oh phone] Hi, Sophie, itís Lorelai. I need to talk to Manny. . . Well, when will he be back? . . . Okay, I need him to call me really, really soon, like five minutes ago. Okay, thanks. [hangs up] We need a backup plan.

MICHEL: Mm hmm.

LORELAI: Call Pattyís and see if she has any party rental tablecloths we can use for tonight and then pull all the towels from the pool and call Gandolfiís and order a case of champagne. Send a bottle to every room thatís towel-less and just page him every two minutes and oh no! [sees Richard walk into the inn]

RICHARD: Hi.

LORELAI: Hi Dad, what are you doing? Uh, I thought you were gonna tour the town.

RICHARD: Oh, I did, I did. I went into all the stores, the cat one twice. And then I walked around a little and then I was done.

LORELAI: But what about the park Ė did you see the park?

RICHARD: Yes, I saw the park.

LORELAI: Uh, what about the giant slinky over on Klump? Weíre mighty proud of that.

RICHARD: I saw the slinky, yes. And the hundred-year-old oak tree and the life-size yarn person. I even stopped by your house and had Babette introduce me to all of her gnomes.

LORELAI: Oh.

RICHARD: And then I realized the only thing I had not seen is my daughter at work.

LORELAI: Oh, well, watching me at work is not very interesting, trust me.

RICHARD: Oh, you underestimate yourself.

LORELAI: Okay, well, um, thereís books on the shelves over there.

RICHARD: No no, I have my newspaper, Iím fine.

LORELAI: All right, Iím just gonna. . . whatís the matter?

RICHARD: Is your jacket in the back?

LORELAI: My jacket?

RICHARD: Your work jacket?

LORELAI: I donít have a work jacket.

RICHARD: So thatís your working outfit?

LORELAI: Yeah.

RICHARD: And your boss doesnít mind?

LORELAI: Oh, well considering my boss is me, no, she doesnít. I mean, she did at first but then I bought her a cup of coffee and I realized all the hostility she was expressing toward me was just jealousy and weíve been best friends ever since. Just take a seat Dad. [walks to the front desk] Hey, will you get me an extra bottle of champagne and smack me over the head with it?

MICHEL: Absolutely.

[phone rings]

LORELAI: [answers] Independence Inn.

RORY: I need you to sit down, breathe, and remember that youíre at work, so screaming and crying is not an option.

LORELAI: Why, what are you doing?

RORY: I canít meet you after school today.

LORELAI: What? You promised.

RORY: I know but I have to work on this story for the Franklin and I swear I tried to get out of it, but I couldnít.

LORELAI: Oh great.

RORY: Iím sorry.

LORELAI: Oh no, school comes before Mommyís mental health.

RORY: Just tell Grandpa to wander around for awhile.

LORELAI: He already wandered.

RORY: Did he see the slinky?

LORELAI: Yes, he saw the slinky.

RORY: Wow.

LORELAI: Heís here now.

RORY: Oh.

LORELAI: And he hates my shirt.

RORY: Give him a book and have Sookie make him lunch and I swear Iíll be home by dinner and you wonít have to say a word.

LORELAI: Okay, bye.

CUT TO STARS HOLLOW BUS STOP

[Rory and Paris get off of the bus]

PARIS: I think I got rabies.

RORY: Itís just a bus, Paris.

PARIS: It smelled.

RORY: It smelled like a bus.

PARIS: Iím gonna have to burn my clothes when I get home.

RORY: You know Paris, you have a car. We couldíve driven.

PARIS: We have to get the feel of the small town world. Youíre not going to get the feel of a small town world in a BMW. Is there something crawling in my hair?

RORY: All right, so weíre here now, where do you wanna go?

PARIS: I donít know, whereís the bad part of town?

RORY: Uhh, over there.

PARIS: What?

RORY: Uh, people - theyíre very upset with the color of that fence.

PARIS: Come on.

RORY: This is the town Paris, this is it. Itís not seedy, itís not rundown, itís just Stars Hollow.

PARIS: Well, whereís the local bar?

RORY: In Woodbridge.

PARIS: Why arenít you helping?

RORY: Iím trying, youíre just looking for something thatís not here.

PARIS: Whatís this?

RORY: Lukeís Diner.

PARIS: Diner. Okay, good, good.

CUT TO INSIDE LUKEíS

[Paris and Rory walk in and sit at the counter. Paris starts looking at a menu.]

RORY: What are you doing?

PARIS: Trying just to blend in, fade away, observe.

LUKE: Hey Rory. Coffee?

RORY: Thanks Luke.

LUKE: Whoís your friend?

RORY: Angela Landsbury.

LUKE: Oh.

PARIS: Youíre the owner here?

LUKE: Yup. You want some coffee Angela?

PARIS: No thanks.

LUKE: Okay.

PARIS: So, you run the diner, huh?

RORY: Oh boy.

PARIS: You get a lot of truckers through here?

LUKE: Truckers?

PARIS: Yeah. You know, guys on the road for weeks, lonely, looking for company, a little pick me up. Things like that.

LUKE: Whatís she talking about?

RORY: Your guess is as good as mine.

PARIS: Itís pretty common knowledge that diners are breeding grounds for prostitution and drug dealers.

LUKE: What?

PARIS: Have you ever seen anything like that going down here?

LUKE: Have I ever. . .

PARIS: What about that guy over there? Whatís his story?

LUKE: Reverend Nichols?

PARIS: Reverend Nichols, huh? What is that, like Dr. Feelgood?

LUKE: Rory, how much do you like this person?

RORY: Do what you gotta do, Luke.

[Jess comes down the steps into the diner]

PARIS: Hey, whereíd he come from? Whatís up there? Is that where you keep the girls? You got yourself a little cathouse up there?

JESS: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke. You better give up now.

LUKE: Do not add to this insanity.

JESS: An innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.

LUKE: Jess!

JESS: I wanna be good, lifeís just not letting me.

LUKE: Rory, get her out of here.

RORY: Okay, letís go. [pulls Paris towards the door]

PARIS: Why do you need me to leave? What have you got to hide?

RORY: Paris, letís go!

CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN

[Lorelai and Michel are at the front desk, each talking on a phone]

MICHEL: Yes, weíre aware of it.

LORELAI: Yes, weíre working on it.

MICHEL: As soon as towels arrive, yours will be the first room we come up to.

LORELAI: I swear to you, no one gets a towel before you do.

MICHEL: Did you get the complimentary champagne we sent you?

LORELAI: Just open the champagne and drink and relax and enjoy and before you know it Ė of course itís free. Yes.

MICHEL: Yeah, weíll call you soon. [hangs up]

LORELAI: Weíll talk to you soon. [hangs up] Iím killing Manny.

MICHEL: Iím helping.

LORELAI: Iím gonna strangle him with one of his own towels, I swear to God.

RICHARD: Lorelai?

LORELAI: Yeah Dad?

RICHARD: Do you realize there are no tablecloths in the dining room?

LORELAI: Yes I do. Weíre having a problem with our linen delivery.

RICHARD: Well, it doesnít look very professional.

MICHEL: [in background] Ah, itís Manny.

LORELAI: Okay, I have to take this dad.

[Michel hands her the phone]

LORELAI: Manny, my mysterious man, where have you been? . . . Oh, me Manny? Iím just a desperate woman. Yes. Honey, I know youíre up to your ears in problems but I have to have some towels or linens or Iím gonna be lying on the street talking about the pretty inn I used to work at and you donít want that do you? . . . Well, just, anything you can do to get me through the night. . . Uh, Manny, I love you. You rock. I am devoted to you. Iím never gonna look at another towel without thinking of you. . . Thank you. Bye Stud. [hangs up] Heíll be here in twenty minutes.

RICHARD: Lorelai?

LORELAI: Yes Dad?

RICHARD: May I speak to you for a moment please?

MICHEL: Someone is in trouble.

LORELAI: Uh, is something wrong Dad?

RICHARD: Was that a business call I just overheard there?

LORELAI: Oh, that was my linen delivery guy.

RICHARD: So it was a business call?

LORELAI: Yes, it was a business call.

RICHARD: And thatís how you handle a business call?

LORELAI: Iíve known Manny for ten years, Dad.

RICHARD: I donít care how long youíve known him. You never talk to a business associate like that, especially not one that you employ.

LORELAI: Okay Dad.

RICHARD: These people have to respect you.

LORELAI: He does respect me.

RICHARD: You were flirting with him.

LORELAI: I said what I needed to say in order to get the linen before somebody else did. And I did, so I won.

RICHARD: This is not about winning, this is about proper procedure. You need to listen to me Lorelai. If there is one thing I know about, it is the correct way to conduct yourself in a position of authority. Do you understand what Iím trying to tell you?

LORELAI: Mm hmm.

RICHARD: Because Iím only telling you this for your own good.

LORELAI: Mm hmm.

RICHARD: All right, go back to work. Iíll be right here if you need me.

LORELAI: Okie dokie.

CUT TO OUTSIDE

[Rory and Paris are walking down the sidewalk]

PARIS: Nothing, not even a cigarette butt on the ground, I canít believe it. This town would make Frank Capra wanna throw up.

RORY: Sorry, I tried to tell you.

PARIS: I know. I know, itís just. . .I was just so sure.

RORY: Weíll think of something else to write about, I promise.

PARIS: Weíre going to lose.

RORY: Weíre not going to lose.

[As they walk past the video store, Taylor and Kirk walk out.]

TAYLOR: There she is, the girl of the moment.

RORY: Me?

TAYLOR: You, young lady, are my hero.

RORY: Why is that Taylor?

TAYLOR: Because in this day and age when the kids are willy nilly with their clothes and hair and morals, it is heartwarming to see a sensible girl like you still exists. A girl who has the gumption and the guts to stand up and say, Ďwhy are we allowing this trash out where all our children can see it?í

KIRK: And a few selected adults also.

RORY: What are you talking about?

TAYLOR: Well, come on in and see for yourself.

CUT TO INSIDE VIDEO STORE

RORY: What happened? Where is everything?

TAYLOR: Well, thanks to your brilliant suggestion, they are all safely stashed behind the Rory Curtain.

RORY: The what?

KIRK: We thought it was only fitting to name it after you.

RORY: No! I donít want a Rory Curtain, I never asked for a Rory Curtain!

TAYLOR: You told me to put that movie where the kids couldnít see it.

PARIS: You did?

RORY: Well, yeah, but I just meant to put it on a higher shelf, not to get fabric involved.

TAYLOR: Oh, this is much better than a higher shelf. Now all the movies that we deem objectionable will be safely hidden from the eyes of the children. Plus, itíll make the adults think twice before they go back there.

RORY: No, I did not mean to do this! What are you doing?

PARIS: This is it.

RORY: This is what?

PARIS: Our story. Censorship in a small town, itís perfect.

RORY: Paris, stop it. You know I donít believe in censorship.

PARIS: Even better, small town minds run amok. This is genius, itís gold. Weíre going to win. Now Taylor?

TAYLOR: Yes?

PARIS: On the record, how long have you been working here?

CUT TO LORELAIíS HOUSE

[Lorelai walks through the front door followed by Richard.]

LORELAI: Rory, weíre home!

RICHARD: Next time, stop the car completely before you get out.

LORELAI: Rory, for the love of God, be home!

RORY: Iím here, sorry! I was on the phone. How was your Ė [Lorelai grabs Rory and hugs her tightly] Ooh, okay.

LORELAI: I donít think Iíve ever loved you quite as much as I love you right now.

RORY: Ah, ribs cracking, organs crushing.

LORELAI: Yeah, well, love hurts. [walks past Rory towards the kitchen]

RORY: Hey Grandpa.

RICHARD: Oh, lovely to see you Rory.

RORY: How was your day?

RICHARD: It was very pleasant.

RORY: I heard you saw Mom in action.

LORELAI: Oh yes he did.

RORY: Sheís great, isnít she?

RICHARD: Sheís. . uh, spirited.

LORELAI: Spirited.

RORY: Spirited is nice. Hey, letís talk dinner. How about Chinese?

LORELAI: Very spirited food.

RORY: Grandpa, do you like Chinese food?

RICHARD: If prepared properly, yes, I like it very much.

LORELAI: Iíll go call Alís. [walks into kitchen]

RICHARD: Alís?

RORY: Alís Pancake World.

RICHARD: [follows Lorelai into the kitchen] I thought you said we were having Chinese food.

LORELAI: Alís has the best egg fu yung in Stars Hollow.

RICHARD: Is that, um, saying anything?

LORELAI: Rory, come entertain your Grandpa while your spirited Mommy orders please!

RORY: Hey Grandpa, do you um. . .do you wanna see my room?

RICHARD: Yes, I would.

RORY: Okay.

[Richard walks into Roryís room.]

LORELAI: Twenty bucks if you lock him in there.

RORY: Thirty if you chill.

CUT TO INSIDE RORYíS BEDROOM

[Richard is looking at Roryís bookshelf as Rory walks in]

RICHARD: Interesting.

RORY: What are you doing?

RICHARD: Oh, there are some holes in your collection here and Iím just making a list to fill them.

RORY: Oh, well these arenít all of my books.

RICHARD: Oh?

[Rory shows him several stacks of books under her bed]

RICHARD: Oh my goodness!

RORY: And. . . [opens two drawers filled with books]

RICHARD: Ah, well possibly I should concentrate on acquiring you a bookcase first.

RORY: Thatís okay. I kind of like my system.

RICHARD: Ah, organized chaos?

RORY: Exactly.

RICHARD: Very well, carry on. Well, Iím glad not to see any death rockers on your walls.

RORY: Grandpa, where did you learn the term death rockers?

RICHARD: Well, Iím not entirely unfamiliar with the music world in which you live.

RORY: I donít exactly live in the death rock world, Grandpa.

RICHARD: Good.

RORY: But if I do move there, I will send you a card.

RICHARD: Oh, I appreciate that. Ah, Harvard.

RORY: Yeah. We started the obsession board a few years ago. And then when we took that trip to Harvard, the student store was having a two for one flag sale, so that kind of sent us into the final stage of the psychosis. Hospitals were called, medications were prescribed, there is no cure.

[Lorelai walks in with a notepad]

LORELAI: Okay, I made the menu for the evening.

RICHARD: My God.

RORY: Looks good.

RICHARD: Who could eat all that food?

LORELAI: I almost added the garlic chicken.

RORY: Add it.

RICHARD: There are only three of us.

LORELAI: Yes, but we like choices.

RORY: Letís call, Iím starved.

[they walk into the kitchen]

RICHARD: Lorelai, you cannot order all of that food. Youíre teaching your daughter wastefulness and gluttony.

LORELAI: Um Dad, we do this all the time. We order way too much and then we eat like a third of it and live off the leftovers for a week and a half. Itís a finely honed system. Now please, just sit and read something or watch TV.

RICHARD: So I uh. . .I noticed all the Harvard paraphernalia in Roryís room.

LORELAI: Oh yeah.

RICHARD: You know, you might not want to get her settled on one specific college quite so soon.

LORELAI: Why not?

RICHARD: Well, sheís young. She hasnít investigated her options.

LORELAI: Dad, she wants to go to Harvard.

RICHARD: Well yes, because she thinks you want her to go to Harvard.

LORELAI: I do.

RICHARD: Well, there are a lot of other good schools out there. You know I went to Yale.

LORELAI: Yes, I do know.

RICHARD: Yale is a very fine school, some might argue a better school than Harvard.

LORELAI: Some meaning you?

RICHARD: I just think Rory should explore it, and I can make some phone calls and set up an appointment.

LORELAI: No.

RICHARD: Why not?

LORELAI: Because she wants to go to Harvard.

RICHARD: But thatís ridiculous. Whoís going to help her get into Harvard?

LORELAI: Reese Witherspoon.

RICHARD: I am a Yale alumnus. I give a great deal of money to that school. Getting her in will be a breeze.

LORELAI: We donít like breezes, they mess up our hair.

RICHARD: Do not be petulant Lorelai.

LORELAI: Do not pick a fight with me Dad.

RICHARD: This is not about you, this is about Rory.

LORELAI: No, this is about Richard interfering.

RICHARD: Now please, just let me handle this. I know more about the Ivy League system than you do.

[a horn honks from outside]

LORELAI: This is not about the - .

RORY: Is that the food already?

LORELAI: No Sweets, I havenít ordered yet.

[Rory looks out the window]

RORY: Oh my God!

LORELAI: Who is it?

RORY: Oh my God!

CUT TO OUT FRONT

[They walk out the front door. Dean is standing in front of a car]

LORELAI: Oh my God.

RORY: Whatcha doiní?

DEAN: Just standing here.

RORY: Next to?

DEAN: A car. Your car.

RORY: No!

DEAN: Finished it yesterday.

RORY: No you didnít!

DEAN: Do you want Ďem? [holds up the keys]

RORY: Ah! [Rory runs off the porch and hugs him]

DEAN: Now if you donít like it, I bet I can sell it to someone else.

RORY: Donít you dare!

LORELAI: Dean, thatís amazing!

RORY: Letís drive, can we drive, does it drive?

DEAN: Does it drive?

RORY: Well, no, I know it drives but. . .oh my God! I canít believe you finished it! You built me a car!

LORELAI: Dean, now that youíre done with that, will you build me a plane? One that looks like Shamu?

RICHARD: He made that car?

LORELAI: Isnít that incredible?

RICHARD: Well, she canít accept it.

LORELAI: Oh Dad, itís okay.

RICHARD: Itís not okay, heís a child. Sheís not driving a car a child put together.

DEAN: Excuse me sir, but, uh, my father worked on cars and my grandfather worked on cars. I know what Iím doing.

RICHARD: A car is not a model airplane, young man.

DEAN: I know that.

RICHARD: It is a complex vehicle.

DEAN: I know that too.

RICHARD: And I will not have my granddaughter driving around in some contraption you put together in auto shop.

LORELAI: Okay, can I just say something here?

DEAN: I did not make this in auto shop. I am telling you this car is safe.

RICHARD: So, you are a certified mechanic?

DEAN: No.

RICHARD: But you had the assistance of a certified mechanic?

DEAN: No.

RICHARD: Well, then you drove it past a certified mechanic?

LORELAI: Dad, stop it. This is a nice thing Dean did here. Remember, nice things.

RICHARD: Iím sorry, she canít accept it. Now, if you will excuse us, we were about to order dinner.

DEAN: Mr. Gilmore, I understand you want Rory to be safe, but so do I. I would not give this car to her if I did not know for a fact that it was a hundred percent safe. I checked it, my father checked it, and Gypsy at Hewes Brothers checked it. It has been checked.

RICHARD: And Iím just supposed to take your word for it?

DEAN: Nope.

RICHARD: Agreed.

DEAN: Letís go.

RICHARD: Go where?

DEAN: To check it.

RICHARD: I donít think so.

DEAN: Iíve been working on this car for months. Iím giving it to Rory.

RICHARD: Youíre a very stubborn boy.

DEAN: Do you wanna drive or should I?

RICHARD: Iíll take my own car, thank you.

DEAN: Fine with me.

RICHARD: And drive behind me. I donít want that thing blowing up right in front of the Jag.

DEAN: No problem. Try to keep your electrical system working long enough to get there.

RICHARD: They worked the kinks out of this electrical system years ago, young man. Iíll be right back.

DEAN: So will I.

[Dean and Richard get in their cars and drive off.]

LORELAI: Donít you feel like one of us shouldíve been standing between them waving a flag or something?

CUT TO HEWES BROS.

[The mechanic looks under the hood of the car while Richard and Dean stand nearby.]

GYPSY: It looks fine to me.

RICHARD: Check it again.

GYPSY: I already checked it again. This was checking it again. I checked it earlier, that means this was checking it again.

DEAN: Go ahead Gypsy, check it again. Iíve got all night.

GYPSY: I donít.

RICHARD: Check the transmission.

GYPSY: I did, itís all good.

RICHARD: The carburetor.

GYPSY: All good.

RICHARD: Manifold pressure?

GYPSY: Best manifold pressure Iíve ever seen.

RICHARD: Youíve missed something. I insist that you go over this entire car again.

GYPSY: But Iím telling you, thereís nothing wrong with this car.

RICHARD: I am paying you for a service, I would like that service performed.

GYPSY: Okay, I look again.

DEAN: How many times are you gonna make her do that?

RICHARD: As many times as it takes.

DEAN: Look, I know you think Iím not good enough for Rory, but do you have to take it out on my car?

RICHARD: Sheís my only granddaughter. I have a responsibility to protect her. Sheís young, sheís naÔve.

DEAN: Sheís smart.

RICHARD: Yes, sheís smart. . .about certain things.

DEAN: Look, Iím not about to do battle with you here. You can hate me - whatever, I donít care.

RICHARD: I hardly hate you.

DEAN: Really?

RICHARD: I donít even know you.

DEAN: Well, Iím right here. What do you wanna know? Besides what college I wanna go to or what I wanna do for a living, because I still have no answers for you on that front.

RICHARD: Those are not ridiculous questions to ask.

DEAN: No, but you couldíve waited until dessert to get to Ďem.

RICHARD: Yes, well, perhaps the timing of the. . .

DEAN: Interrogation?

RICHARD: Conversation.

DEAN: Conversation.

RICHARD: Perhaps the timing was a little off. [pause] So, your father Ė what does he do?

DEAN: Stereo systems.

RICHARD: Installing them?

DEAN: Selling them. Heís got a shop a couple of blocks from here.

RICHARD: And your mother?

DEAN: She works part time transcribing medical records.

RICHARD: Interesting, interesting. So, you. . .you like my granddaughter quite a bit?

DEAN: No, I love your granddaughter quite a bit.

RICHARD: See Dean, I was beginning to feel a little better about this until you said that.

DEAN: Well, Iím not trying to make you feel better, Iím trying to be honest.

RICHARD: Yes, you are. Itís an admirable quality.

DEAN: Thank you.

GYPSY: Okay, I found something wrong.

RICHARD: You did?

DEAN: What?

GYPSY: Windshield wipers came right off in my hand, very dangerous. Thank God I check it again.

DEAN: Gypsy, you broke those off yourself.

GYPSY: Yes I did.

DEAN: Put Ďem back!

GYPSY: I canít look at this car anymore.

DEAN: Gypsy!

GYPSY: I miss my home.

DEAN: Put them back.

RICHARD: Now I suppose the car is safe.

DEAN: It is.

RICHARD: Iím still not sure itís an appropriate gift.

DEAN: I understand that.

RICHARD: How tall are you?

DEAN: Why, you wanna dance?

RICHARD: No, thank you. I appreciate the offer though.

CUT TO LORELAIíS HOUSE

[Lorelai and Rory sit on the couch.]

RORY: How long are they going to be?

LORELAI: I donít know. Knowing my dad, he probably made Dean take the entire thing apart and put it back together again in front of him.

RORY: Poor Dean.

LORELAI: Poor Dean, he has to spend one evening with him. I share chromosomes with the guy.

[Richard walks through the front door]

RICHARD: Well, we had it thoroughly checked. We found a little problem with the windshield wipers. Dean is there now adjusting them. But once that is taken care of, I donít see any reason why, with proper insurance of course, why you canít have that car.

RORY: Really? Thanks!

LORELAI: Hey hon, why donít you run and pick up the food for us?

RORY: Oh sure.

RICHARD: Oh, Iíve got this.

LORELAI: Here you go, hurry! Before the mu shu congeals.

RORY: Okay. [leaves]

RICHARD: Why didnít you let me pay?

LORELAI: I didnít think it would be, um, appropriate under the circumstances.

RICHARD: What circumstances are those?

LORELAI: The ones where Iím about to get really, really mad at you.

RICHARD: Excuse me?

LORELAI: Dad, this is my house in my town, where I live my life.

RICHARD: Well, thank you for the geography lesson.

LORELAI: No, Iím - in the thirty two years weíve known each other, have I once come to your work and criticized the way you handled your clients?

RICHARD: I donít remember you coming to my work at all.

LORELAI: Well, have I passed judgment on your breakfast habits or your clothing choices?

RICHARD: I was offering opinions.

LORELAI: Well, donít. I donít want your opinions, especially not in front of my employees and not in front of my friends.

RICHARD: I guess you canít take constructive criticism.

LORELAI: Nothing that came out of your mouth today might, in any universe visited by Kirk or Spock, be construed as constructive.

RICHARD: I beg to differ.

LORELAI: And this is absolutely the last time you come into my house and overrule my word.

RICHARD: What are you talking about?

LORELAI: Iím talking about Dean and the car.

RICHARD: I was being - .

LORELAI: You have no right being anything. Roryís my kid and I make the rules, so if she comes home one day and says, ĎHey, uh, Iím gonna spend the weekend with Patricia Krenwinkleí and I say, ĎOkay, grab a sweaterí, you just have to deal.

RICHARD: Who is Patricia Krenwinkle?

LORELAI: And if I tell her that she can have the car that her boyfriend made for her, then she can.

RICHARD: I didnít think it looked safe.

LORELAI: You donít have to think it looks safe! I have to think it looks safe! God, why canít I make you hear what Iím saying?

RICHARD: Oh, I hear exactly what youíre saying.

LORELAI: You came here not as a guest but as the judgment police, you kept your uniform on the whole time, and you know what, it comes off now!

RICHARD: Lower your voice.

LORELAI: No! I am a grown woman and you will treat me the way you treat people who have invited you to their house or you will not be invited again.

RICHARD: Invited?

LORELAI: Yes!

RICHARD: Donít you think I know why you invited me here?

LORELAI: Because - .

RICHARD: Because your mother asked you too. She called you up and said I was driving her crazy, and would you please take me off her hands for one day so she can get some peace. Isnít that true?

LORELAI: No.

RICHARD: You have never once invited me to your house Lorelai, never. And I can hardly point to an event that would prompt you to do so except my recent employment situation.

LORELAI: Okay Dad, Mom did call me but - .

RICHARD: You know, I never thought about retirement. I never thought about what I would do or what I would be once I wasnít working. I never once imagined that I would go from being a productive member of the human race to a decrepit old drone sitting at the club at three in the afternoon drinking brandy and playing cards.

LORELAI: Aw, Dad.

RICHARD: I am an annoyance to my wife and a burden to my daughter. Suddenly I realize what it feels like to be obsolete. I hope that you never have to learn what that feels like. Now, if you will excuse me, Iím afraid Iíll have to take a rain check on dinner. Iím not very hungry.

CUT TO SIDEWALK

[Rory walks past the video store, which her picture is in the window. As she stares at it, Jess walks over to her.]

JESS: Nice picture.

RORY: Gee, thanks.

JESS: Youíre very popular right now. I bet if you burn a few books, theyíll probably make you mayor.

RORY: This is ridiculous.

JESS: I donít know, bet you have a lot of supporters on this. Pat Buchanon, Jerry Falwell, Kathie Lee Gifford.

RORY: Bye.

JESS: Aw, come on, itís a little funny.

RORY: No, being the poster girl for censorship is not a little funny. The only videos not behind that curtain are Bambi and Dumbo. I mean, they actually had a meeting earlier about whether or not Babe should be behind the curtain so as not to offend people who keep kosher.

JESS: Itís a crazy world we live in.

RORY: And where did they even find that stupid picture?

JESS: Oh no, the pictureís good. Itís the people who are stupid.

RORY: Iím never gonna be able to leave my house again.

JESS: Well, at least you wonít starve.

RORY: I canít look at it anymore.

JESS: Relax. I donít think itíll be around very long.

RORY: Why?

JESS: Just a guess.

RORY: Jess!

JESS: Enjoy the food.

RORY: Come back here.

JESS: Why?

RORY: Iíll give you an eggroll.

JESS: Yes?

RORY: What did you do?

JESS: Nothing much. Just wanted to make sure whoever rented Dumbo or Bambi gets a little surprise.

RORY: What kind of surprise? What did you do?

JESS: You owe me an eggroll. [walks away]

RORY: Blech.

CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE

[Richard walks in the front door.]

EMILY: Richard, there you are, sneaking in like that.

RICHARD: Hello Emily.

EMILY: Itís nice to see you.

RICHARD: Well, you seem very happy.

EMILY: Well, I had a very nice day. Would you like a drink?

RICHARD: Uh, no thanks.

EMILY: I saw Cheeky Lennox today. Sheís redoing her entire house and I have to say, itís given me a few ideas about this place. I wonít scare you with them tonight but Iím very excited about it.

RICHARD: Well Iím glad.

EMILY: Then I did a little shopping and I had my nails done.

RICHARD: Very nice.

EMILY: Sugar and spice, a little crazier than I usually wear but I donít know, I was just in that kind of a mood. So how was your day with the girls?

RICHARD: Wonderful.

EMILY: Tell me about it.

RICHARD: Well, I saw the town, I saw Lorelaiís work.

EMILY: Did you eat? Because I can have Heloise whip up something for you.

RICHARD: No thank you, we had Chinese food.

EMILY: Oh, you love Chinese food!

RICHARD: Yes I do.

EMILY: Well Iím thrilled that you had such a wonderful time. It was good for you to get out like that.

RICHARD: Yes it was. In fact, Iím still a little energized from the day, so I think Iím finally gonna organize all those stamps that Iíve been talking about for ages.

EMILY: Now?

RICHARD: Why not?

EMILY: Well, I think that would be wonderful. Have fun.

[Richard walks into his office and sits down]

THE END


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