Written by: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Directed by: Michael Katleman
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE HOUSE
[Lorelai, Rory and Emily sitting at the dinner table]
EMILY: Everyoneís awfully quiet tonight.
LORELAI: Sorry Mom, Iím just tired.
RORY: Me too - school.
LORELAI: Dig it man.
RORY: Peace out Humphrey.
EMILY: Mystery. [pause] Well this is just ridiculous. Three intelligent women sitting here in complete silence. There must be something to talk about. Do you know that every night at dinner, the Kennedy clan would sit around the table having lively debates about everything under the sun? They would quiz each other about current events, historical facts, intellectual trivia. Now the Gilmore clan is just as smart and worldly as the Kennedyís so come on - somebody - say something.
LORELAI: Do you know that butt models make $10,000 a day?
EMILY: Camelot is truly dead.
EMILY: In here, just follow the crickets.
RICHARD: I am sorry Iím late, but I come bearing wonderful news.
EMILY: Siri bring Mr. Gilmore a plate! [getting up and following him to his seat]
RICHARD: I just got off the phone.
EMILY: Would you like to change first?
RICHARD: No, no, no Iím fine. So I -
EMILY: Siri, Mr. Gilmore is hungry! [placing napkin in his lap]
RICHARD: Emily, I am perfectly capable of putting a napkin on my lap.
EMILY: Alright Iím sorry. You were on the phone.
RICHARD: Long distance.
LORELAI: God lives in London?
RICHARD: My mother lives in London.
LORELAI: Your mother is God?
LORELAI: So, God is a woman...
LORELAI: And a relative, thatís so cool. Iím gonna totally ask for favors.
RICHARD: [to Rory] Make her stop.
RORY: Oh that I could.
EMILY: You spoke to your mother.
RICHARD: Yes I did. Sheís fine, she sends her love and...sheís coming to visit.
LORELAI: Youíre kidding?
RORY: Iím gonna get to meet my great-grandma?
RICHARD: Lorelai I.
LORELAI: I was named after her.
RORY: I figured.
EMILY: Richard when?
RICHARD: Youíre going to love her. My mother is brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
LORELAI: We share that also.
EMILY: Iím asking a question here, does no one hear me? Am I suddenly invisible?
RICHARD: Iím sorry. What was the question?
EMILY: When is your mother arriving?
RICHARD: A week from today. Rory, Iím telling you, itís going to be such a treat.
EMILY: Excuse me. [leaves]
LORELAI: I still canít get over that Iím related to God. Itís gonna make getting Madonna tickets so much easier.
[Pan to basement]
LORELAI: Mom? Mom?
EMILY: Itís just like that woman, no warnings, no discussions, then out of the blue ĎIím coming next weekí.
LORELAI: What are you doing?
EMILY: I have to unpack these things.
LORELAI: What things? Excuse me boys [to statue of two dogs]
EMILY: I have to get out everything sheís ever given us. 35 years worth of fish lamps and dog statues, lion tables and stupid naked angels with their...butts!
LORELAI: Whoa! Stupid naked angel butts? What did David Manic just stop by.
EMILY: Leave please.
LORELAI: Mom calm down.
EMILY: I canít calm down! That lamp shade is missing, the china is cracked and I canít remember which table it is that she gave us for our 10 year anniversary!!
LORELAI: Mother, Grandma is a very old woman, I highly doubt that sheís going to remember everything she ever bought you.
EMILY: She will remember down to the very last shrimp fork and do you know why?
LORELAI: No. [to dogs] Do you guys know why?
EMILY: Because she doesnít just give you a present, she Ďgivesí you a present and she tells you where to put it, how to use it, what it costs - for insurance purposes of course - and God forbid you should have a different opinion or you donít think it works in the space or you just get tired of waking up every morning with those horrifying animals staring at you!
LORELAI: [to dogs] Sheís just upset.
EMILY: Stop talking to the dogs!
LORELAI: Mom! Youíre freaking out. Iíve never seen you freak out before.
EMILY: Yes you have you were 12, it was the last time that horrible woman came to visit. [tries to pull a rug off a shelf.]
LORELAI: Do you want some help?
EMILY: No! [sighs] Please.
LORELAI: Whereís it going?
EMILY: Third floor.
LORELAI: How about second floor?
EMILY: Third floor.
LORELAI: How about first floor on a ladder?
CUT TO INSIDE CAR
RORY: So tell me more about her.
LORELAI: I donít really know that much.
RORY: Well you know more than I do.
LORELAI: Well letís see. She moved to London when Grandpa died but she didnít like to travel so once a year Mom and Dad would go to visit her, usually leaving me behind, much to my relief by the way, and thatís it. The rest I know from stories just like you.
RORY: Grandpa says I remind him of her.
LORELAI: That is the biggest compliment that can be wrenched out of Grumpy McFarlen believe me.
RORY: I hope she likes me.
LORELAI: Sheíll love you.
RORY: I hope she and Grandma get along.
LORELAI: Sheíll love you.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Paris, Madeline, Louise, Tristan, Rory and two other guys sitting in a circle working]
PARIS: I think that the basic structure of the Elizabethan government is relatively sound. The division of power between the monarchy, the privy council and the parliament all seem to work. Agreed?
PARIS: Ok, so in establishing our own government, I think duplicating a similar structure would be good, with a few alterations. Queen Elizabeth chose to remain unwed. She took on the burden of leadership all by herself at a time when possibly marrying the Prince of France or the King of Spain would solidify her thrown while expanding her empire. And though it obviously worked for her, and the concept of a woman ruling without man is certainly politically correct these days, I think we need to take a different tact. [in the background while Louise and Madeline talk] I think we need to devise a nation with a truly solidified royal alliance...
MADELINE: [over Paris] She does know this is a make belief government right?
LOUISE: [over Paris] You ask her, Iím afraid.
PARIS: [in foreground] So in addition to the different political branches, weíll also need a King and Queen. Rory, Tristan, what about you?
RORY: Yes, no.
RORY: I just donít want to be queen.
TRISTAN: Me either [pause] King - I donít want to be king.
RORY: What about you? You be queen.
PARIS: Iím going to be head of Parliament. I canít be queen.
RORY: Be both.
PARIS: I canít be both.
RORY: Why not? Itís our government.
PARIS: Itís not done that way.
RORY: It can be though, letís vote.
RORY: Henry VIII started a new church when the old one wouldnít allow divorce.
PARIS: He also cut off his wifeís head. Is he still your role model?
RORY: Iím just saying we have the opportunity to make any kind of government we want here.
PARIS: Why wonít you be queen?
MADELINE: Iíll be queen.
RORY: There, make Madeline queen.
PARIS: Fine, youíre queen, Tristanís king.
LOUISE: Iíll be the lady-in-waiting. The one with the low-cut blue velvet renaissance dress.
PARIS: Lady-in-waiting is not a political office.
LOUISE: No but they get all the sex.
LOUISE: Watch a movie.
PARIS: We are talking about government class not the movies. God why canít I get one person to care about this as much as I do?!
LOUISE: Ok fine. Iíll be the head of the Quarter Sessions court, but Iím still wearing the dress. Happy?
PARIS: Out of my mind. Ok, so, I secured us the class room to work tomorrow and Sunday so that by Monday weíll be ready.
MADELINE: Weíre working all weekend?
LOUISE: Youíre kidding. [Bell rings]
PARIS: Take this. Itís an outline for the entire system - point of methods, some basic laws and penalties plus some random ideas. Please be ready to discuss it tomorrow 9:00 in the morning, donít be late.
MADELINE: Wow, she designed the flag.
PARIS: [in the hallway] Question.
PARIS: Whatís up with you and Tristan?
RORY: What do you mean?
PARIS: You just seem weird around each other.
RORY: Nope, no weirder than usual.
PARIS: I disagree.
RORY: You usually do.
PARIS: I just think itís strange that you donít wanna be queen.
RORY: You know, not all girls want to be queen Paris. Even Barbie ended up being a stewardess.
PARIS: Ok, if you say so. Read my manifesto, I want your thoughts.
RORY: First thought - lose the word Ďmanifestoí.
PARIS: Too cabin-in-the-woods?
RORY: Donít open your mail.
PARIS: Right. How about doctrine?
PARIS: Ok, see you tomorrow.
RORY: Bye. [realizes she left her notebook and heads back to the classroom. She runs into Tristan]
TRISTAN: Uh...you left this [handing her her notebook.]
RORY: Oh yeah I did. Thanks.
TRISTAN: Sure. [both try to go through the doorway together and backup]
RORY: Well, that could have been a potential Marx Brothers moment.
TRISTAN: You go first.
RORY: Ok. [starts to exit but then turns back] I think we need to talk.
TRISTAN: About what?
RORY: Tristan you know about what?
TRISTAN: No I donít.
RORY: Look, we have a lot of work ahead of us. We also have about two and a half years of being in the same school. I donít want things to be weird between us. Donít you think itíd be good to at least try to talk about this?
RORY: Good. [They both try to go through the doorway at the same time again] Iím gonna go first.
TRISTAN: Right [chuckles]
CUT TO INN
LORELAI: Ugh! Itís still not working.
MICHEL: Well you did something wrong.
LORELAI: I didnít do anything wrong. I did the same thing I always do when Iím pulling up reservations for the upcoming month but nothing happened.
MICHEL: You typed in the name?
LORELAI: I typed in the name.
MICHEL: You clicked on the April 5?
LORELAI: I clicked on the April 5.
MICHEL: You double clicked on confirmation?
LORELAI: I double clicked.
MICHEL: Are you sure?
LORELAI: Yes I double clicked.
MICHEL: You clicked twice.
LORELAI: No I double clicked but I didnít click twice.
MICHEL: Because to successfully double click you must click twice.
LORELAI: I know what double click is.
MICHEL: Well apparently you do not or we wouldnít be having this conversation.
LORELAI: Ooh, Iím going to pinch you so hard right now.
MICHEL: Well I donít know what you have done!
LORELAI: Well - ah! [as Michel pushes her out of the way]
MICHEL: Well I canít fix it if you donít move.
LORELAI: I double clicked. [as Michel starts to type] Ooh, whatís that?
LORELAI: That flashy red thing [speaks at the same time as Michel] with an Ďxí through it.
MICHEL: [speaks at the same time as Lorelai] I do not know.
LORELAI: Ooh, it happened when you pushed something funky.
MICHEL: I pushed nothing Ďfunkyí.
LORELAI: You have the funk my friend. [phone rings] Independence Inn.
EMILY: I need the hat rack.
LORELAI: [whispers] The fish flies at night.
LORELAI: I donít know, who is this?
EMILY: This is your mother.
LORELAI: Oh well hi Mom, I didnít recognize your voice.
EMILY: I need the hat rack back.
LORELAI: What hat rack?
EMILY: The hat rack I gave you.
LORELAI: What hat rack?
EMILY: The hat rack I gave you for Christmas five years ago.
LORELAI: Uh, well...
EMILY: Itís large, bronze with dragons or weasels - I donít know, some sort of lizard type animal that you hang your coats on.
LORELAI: Yes, yes, I remember it.
EMILY: Thank God. I need it back.
LORELAI: You need a Christmas present back?
LORELAI: Why Mom?
EMILY: I need it back because Richardís mother gave it to us and sheíll notice if itís not there.
LORELAI: You gave me a used present?
EMILY: No, we never used it.
LORELAI: I canít believe it.
EMILY: Youíll get it back.
LORELAI: You gave me a second hand present, like something you got at the junk store.
EMILY: Youíre being a little dramatic. It was still in the crate.
LORELAI: You actually went ĎHuh, what should I get Lorelai this year. You know what, I canít be bothered. Letís give her something we donít want anymore.í
EMILY: Youíre not funny.
LORELAI: What would Miss Manners say about this?
EMILY: If she met your grandmother sheíd understand. Now please, just bring the rack with you when you come tonight ok?
LORELAI: [sighing] Ok, sure.
EMILY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Youíre welcome. Bye.
CUT TO OUTSIDE CHILTON
TRISTAN: [sighs] So weíre supposed to talk.
RORY: Yeah. Look about the other night.
TRISTAN: Look, I was upset over Summer.
RORY: Yes and I was upset over Dean.
TRISTAN: So, then it doesnít mean anything right?
TRISTAN: So then - right, so then thatís it. We just chalk it up to a bad night.
RORY: Ok. Iím sorry I cried.
TRISTAN: No problem.
RORY: I swear it had nothing to do with the kiss.
TRISTAN: I kissed you, you cried. That had to do something with the kiss.
RORY: No, I cried because I was confused. Because I hadnít cried. I didnít cry because of the kiss. It was a nice kiss.
RORY: Very nice. Not at all crying material.
TRISTAN: Wanna try it again?
RORY: Well I think someoneís recovering from their heartbreak just fine.
TRISTAN: Yeah Iím all better. [small pause] I think Iím going to swear off girls for a while.
RORY: Uh, sorry, nothing. You said you were going to swear off girls - itís funny.
TRISTAN: You donít think I can?
RORY: No I think you can, I just think it would be hard for you. Itíd probably involve some kind of lock up facility, one of those Hannibal Lector masks.
TRISTAN: Ok yes, it would be hard but not impossible.
RORY: Maybe itís not so much swearing off all girls but swearing off a certain kind of girl.
RORY: Meaning next time maybe you should pick a girl with a little more substance. You know, a girl whoís smart and is driven and has ambition. You know like Paris.
TRISTAN: Are you serious?
RORY: Yeah why not? Paris is smart and cute and interesting and yes she does bring her own unique set of baggage into the mix.
TRISTAN: A matching set.
RORY: But she likes you. Sheís crazy about you. She thinks youíre amazing.
TRISTAN: You want me to date Paris?
RORY: Just think about it.
TRISTAN: [exhales loudly] Me and Paris.
RORY: Louis, I think this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship.
TRISTAN: Whoís Louis?
RORY: Just think. [leaves]
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE.
LORELAI: [sighs] Come on, letís go.
RORY: Relax, Iím almost ready.
LORELAI: Weíre gonna be late.
RORY: No weíre not.
LORELAI: Well itís Friday night and trafficís bad on Friday night.
RORY: Since when?
LORELAI: Since the beginning of time. Here let me do that. [puts on necklace for Rory]
RORY: Whatís up with you?
RORY: Youíve been ready and bugging me for almost an hour. Usually I have to drag you out of here kicking and screaming to go to dinner.
LORELAI: Now then.
RORY: You whine, you complain, you act like a child.
LORELAI: I do not.
RORY: I had to pay you five bucks once so you wouldnít go in sweats.
LORELAI: Make your point and make it fast, as we move quickly to the front door.
RORY: My point is that you are mean.
LORELAI: I am not mean.
RORY: You are. You want to go to dinner to see Grandma uncomfortable, thatís mean.
LORELAI: Oh, ok, look. I will admit, I work very hard and sometimes I am a little tired come Friday night for the Gilmore family dinner. But I had a light day today and my grandmother who I have not seen for years is going to be there.
RORY: And it has nothing to do with the fact that Grandma hates Great-grandma?
LORELAI: Not at all.
RORY: And when you see Grandma miserable and uncomfortable youíre going to be sad and sympathetic?
LORELAI: Not at all.
LORELAI: Iím kidding.
RORY: I want you to be nice.
LORELAI: I will be nice.
RORY: And no outward reveling in someone elseís pain.
LORELAI: I promise, internal reveling only.
RORY: Ok then, we can go.
LORELAI: Ok good. Oh wait [grabs a camera] So the internal reveling can continue for years to come.
CUT TO INSIDE CAR
[Lorelai starts to laugh to herself.]
RORY: Mean, mean, mean.
CUT TO GRANDMAíS HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are carrying the hat rack]
RORY: God, this thing weighs like a 1000 pounds.
LORELAI: I know, I know. Here, put down.
RORY: What are we doing?
LORELAI: Well, in case Gran comes to the door you know.
RORY: Good thinking.
LORELAI: I mean sheís 80. The eyes have got to be gone right?
RORY: Letís just try to keep her inside the house.
LORELAI: Good thinking [knocks]
EMILY: Do you have it?
LORELAI: We got it.
EMILY: Hurry up, bring it in here.
EMILY: Ok, quiet, be quiet.
LORELAI: Ok mom, thanks for the direction and all but, um, we need some help.
EMILY: Oh yeah sorry.
LORELAI: [to Rory] Careful honey.
EMILY: Watch it, watch your head. Get it over here. Ok yes, yeah I think that was about - no I think it was maybe a little more on the left. Oh God I should have put tape down.
LORELAI: Mom, you donít think that the coat rack couldíve moved a quarter of an inch in five years?
EMILY: Yeah youíre right. Thatís it. Ok, put your coats on it.
LORELAI: Howíd you get her in here without her noticing it wasnít there?
EMILY: Well I brought her in through the back way then I had Stella wax the floors, also she napped so that took up about an hour.
RORY: Where is she now?
EMILY: In the living room scratching the diamond pendant I bought her against a mirror.
LORELAI: So we shouldnít keep her waiting huh?
EMILY: No youíre right, we shouldnít. Oh, heaven help me! [they head for the living room. Lorelai chuckles.]
EMILY: Mom, look whoís here?
EMILY: Well, look.
TRIX: If I wanted to look, I would look. I havenít looked therefore you must draw your own conclusions. Ah, thank you, dear boy. [Grandpa gives her a drink]
RICHARD: Youíre welcome Trix.
LORELAI: Dadís pet name for Gran.
EMILY: Isnít it just darling?
LORELAI: Hi Gran.
LORELAI: Yes, itís so good to see you again.
RICHARD: Trix, this is Rory. You havenít met her yet.
TRIX: No, I donít believe I have.
TRIX: Come. I want to get a very good look at both of you. Theyíre tall.
RICHARD: Well yes they are.
TRIX: Howís your health?
LORELAI: Oh, good.
RORY: Very healthy.
TRIX: Good. That means that the majority of your blood is Gilmore blood. Gilmoreís donít get sick. Am I right Richard?
RICHARD: Oh we wouldnít dare Trix.
TRIX: Thatís right. Your mother is always sick.
EMILY: Iím hardly always sick.
TRIX: Youíre sick right now.
LORELAI: Are you sick now Mom?
TRIX: Gilmoreís donít have headaches, our heads are perfect. You donít drink?
LORELAI: Uh, well...
TRIX: Emily, get this woman a drink.
RICHARD: Oh Iíll do it.
LORELAI: Oh thanks Dad. White wine.
EMILY: Iím going to go get the hors díouevres.
TRIX: So youíre Rory.
RORY: Yes maíam.
TRIX: My son speaks of you constantly. He seems very fond of you.
RORY: Oh well Iím very fond of him too.
RICHARD: This little girl is as smart as a whip Mom. I think she has a great deal of you in her.
TRIX: How nice. [Grandma enters with a tray of cheese] Is this cheese?
EMILY: Yes it is.
TRIX: Am I supposed to eat that cheese?
EMILY: Well only if you like.
RICHARD: Emily, where are those spiced nuts that Trix likes so much?
EMILY: Iíll get some.
TRIX: So Lorelai, since Iíve seen you last, youíve grown up, gotten pregnant out of wedlock, raised a child and still havenít bothered to get married. Have I left anything out?
LORELAI: Well sometime in between growing up and getting pregnant, I got my ears pierced.
TRIX: Iíve always hated a scandal. However Iíve always appreciated self-sufficiency. Tell me, how do you support this child?
LORELAI: I run an inn.
TRIX: Hard work?
LORELAI: Yes it is.
TRIX: Good. Hard work is good for a woman - makes her stronger. I admire people who enjoy hard work.
EMILY: Here we go, spiced nuts.
TRIX: Thank you Emily. I suppose I can just put these nuts in my hand.
EMILY: Iíll be right back.
LORELAI: So Gran, um, when was the last time I saw you?
TRIX: You were still in your teens, wild hair flying everywhere. I see youíve taken care of that.
LORELAI: Yes, I joined a support group, bought a hair brush and just taking it one day at a time.
TRIX: That was a joke?
LORELAI: Yes it is.
TRIX: Very good.
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: I have dishes and napkins.
TRIX: Good for you. Richard, I would like to be escorted into the dining room now.
RICHARD: Your wish is my command.
EMILY: Well, uh, Iím not sure that dinner is ready just yet.
TRIX: Well perhaps our presence in the dining room will teach your help that when one is told dinner is at 7:00, people often expects dinner at 7:00.
EMILY: But itís only five after Mom.
TRIX: Only five after? Richard, in the even that I am kidnapped and a ransom is demanded at a certain time, I would prefer that Emily not be in charge of the drop off. [Lorelai and Rory get up and follow. Lorelai gives Emily a Ďwhat can you doí shoulder shrug]
[Pan to later that evening.]
RORY: Grandma, this dinnerís delicious.
TRIX: Very good young lady, we'll all believe you. Now, letís talk about your education. Where are you attending school?
RICHARD: Rory is in the top ten percent of her class.
EMILY: Weíre very proud of our Rory. Sheís going to Harvard.
RORY: Yes maíam.
TRIX: Richard, how can you allow this girl to go to Harvard?!
RICHARD: Now Trix -
TRIX: Youíre a Yale man, your father was a Yale man!
LORELAI: Well we want Rory to be whatever kind of man she wants to be.
TRIX: Thatís enough jokes for this evening Lorelai.
TRIX: Now if you donít mind my asking, Chilton is rather an expensive institution, Iím curious how the manager of an inn can afford such a luxury?
LORELAI: Ah well...
EMILY: Weíre helping Lorelai out a little.
RICHARD: Yes, weíve seen to it that Roryís education is taken care of.
LORELAI: But itís temporary. Itís a loan. I plan to pay them back every cent. They know this.
TRIX: Thatís it, Iím done. Richard. Tomorrow, Rory, I shall plan the menu. When youíve lived in Europe you learn a thing or two about food.
RORY: Oh, I canít. Iím studying tomorrow. Iím in a study group and our presentation is due on Monday
TRIX: Oh very well, your mother can tell you all about it.
LORELAI: I will, I promise.
EMILY: Wonít you have dessert?
TRIX: I once traveled to a small village in Cambodia, I did not eat dessert there either.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Louise is laying across several desks with her eyes closed]
LOUISE: What time is it?
MADELINE: Itís almost nine. Hey maybe Iíll own a magazine some day. Then Iíll get all my nail polish for free.
LOUISE: Iím going back to sleep. Tell Paris I hate her.
MADELINE: Hey Paris. Louise hates you.
PARIS: Youíll thank me when you get into Sarah Lawrence.
LOUISE: Wanna bet?
MADELINE: Wow, did you bring coffee?
RORY: And doughnuts in the shape of clowns.
MADELINE: Hey theyíve got hats.
RORY: Well a clown just isnít a clown without a hat. [to Paris] Here is your decaf with soy milk.
RORY: Youíre welcome. So I read your doctrine and I thing our imaginary kingdom is off to a pretty good start.
RORY: Yeah. I mean the taxes are a little high and the landownerís power should be regulated a little more.
PARIS: It was a different time back then.
RORY: Yeah but the fundamental human needs were the same.
PARIS: Weíre supposed to set it up within -
LOUISE: Ding, ding, ding. No debating until Iíve had coffee.
MADELINE: And a clown.
MADELINE: Hi Tristan.
TRISTAN: Paris, can I talk to you for a sec?
LORELAI: Oh, sure ok.
LOUISE: And that is about what pray tell?
MADELINE: I donít know. The project - maybe?
LOUISE: They couldíve talked project here. Itís something else. Something private.
LOUISE: Maybe. Though it is Paris.
MADELINE: Scandal lite.
LOUISE: All the taste, but much fewer calories.
MADELINE: We could spy.
RORY: Or we could wait for her to come back in to see if she wants us to know.
LOUISE: Those who simply wait for information to find them, spend a lot of time sitting by the phone. Those who go out and find it themselves, have something to say when it rings.
RORY: My next guess. [Paris comes back in.]
LOUISE: So, what was with the confab in the hallway?
MADELINE: Weíre dying here.
PARIS: Well, Tristan, he...asked me out.
LOUISE: My, my, my.
MADELINE: Wow, this is amazing. God Iím jealous.
LOUISE: Details please. Donít leave out anything. We want every comma, apostrophe and ampersand.
PARIS: Well he just asked me out.
PARIS: No, you Ďhmmíed. Why did you Ďhmmí?
LOUISE: Forget it.
PARIS: Louise tell me why you Ďhmmíed.
LOUISE: He asked you out for tonight.
MADELINE: Less than 24 hours notice.
PARIS: So? What does that mean?
LOUISE: Usually that someone else cancelled.
RORY: Or maybe he just got up the nerve to ask her out.
LOUISE: This is so amazing. I mean you are so far from Tristanís type.
MADELINE: So, so far.
LOUISE: Tristan usually likes his girls bad.
MADELINE: Looks like weíre going to have to do the Pink Ladies makeover on you.
LOUISE: Weíll turn you from a sweet Sandy to a sluty Sandy. Dancing at the school fair with high heels, black spandex and permed hair.
MADELINE: You can borrow my water bra.
PARIS: Excuse me?
MADELINE: My water bra. Itís like a padded bra but itís filled with some sort of liquid so it moves.
PARIS: It moves?
PARIS: On itís own?
MADELINE: It makes you look natural.
PARIS: Great. Thanks, but Iíll pass. Everyone come on, letís get to work.
RORY: I think youíre gonna have a really good time.
PARIS: Yeah well, itís just a date right?
RORY: Oh, right.
PARIS: Ok, focus people.
RORY: Do you want one? [point at the clowns]
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
LORELAI: [running into the house and upstairs] Hi! Five minute talking break while I change. [upstairs] My day - big leak third floor, lots of things going squish that should not be squishing. Michel is not help. And now Iím late for dinner which by the way Iím completely bummed youíre not coming to - [holding up shirts] which one - blue, black, good, bad?
LORELAI: Ok. Are you sure you canít come?
RORY: Yeah Iím sure. If Iím not prepared tomorrow, Paris is gonna have me sent to the Tower. Although if things go well tonight, I bet itíll help tomorrow.
RORY: Yeah, sheís going out on a date with Tristan.
LORELAI: Howíd that happen?
RORY: I did a little matchmaking.
LORELAI: [in Ricki Ricardo voice] Lucy, how many times have I told you not to butt into there peopleís business?
LORELAI: [normal voice] Good going.
RORY: Thatís all.
LORELAI: Alright, well I want details tomorrow now how do I look?
LORELAI: [sighs] Ok. My five minutes are up. [grabbing shoes] Letís go. [going downstairs] There is money on the kitchen table and thereís really good chocolate cake that I took out and defrosted for you specially this morning and call me if you need me and Iíll be home early and what else?
RORY: Donít be mean to Grandma.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah broken record. Ok, Iím gone.
RORY: Be good.
[Pan to later, Rory studying and eating cake. Knock]
PARIS: [holding clothes] I donít know what to wear.
PARIS: On my date with Tristan. Iím not trendy girl ok? I donít haunt the boutiques hoping to find that one fabulous little top. I study and then I think about studying and then I study some more.
RORY: Do you want to come in?
PARIS: I only have one lipstick at home ok? And itís barely even a color. You put it on and it looks like youíre not wearing anything which is why I liked it in the first place. But to date you need the fabulous little top and you need a lipstick that you can actually tell youíre wearing.
RORY: Do you want to put that stuff down?
PARIS: You said once that if I ever needed to talk to anymore I could come talk to you.
RORY: Yes I did.
PARIS: Well here I am.
RORY: Ok, can I ask you a question?
RORY: Why didnít you go to Madeline or Louise about this? I mean they seem to get that Ďfabulous little topí thing.
PARIS: Oh yeah that they get. The whole supportive ĎYouíre going to be fine and not throw up 12 times on the way to his carí thing - that they donít get.
RORY: Ok, letís just see what you got.
PARIS: I brought everything just in case there was some sort of hidden potential in something that I just didnít see. So?
RORY: Well youíd be one well dressed widow.
PARIS: Forget it. Iím not going.
RORY: Yes you are. Come on now. This is your entire wardrobe?
RORY: Nothingís left at home.
PARIS: Nothing but my Chilton uniform and my bat mitzvah dress which has menorahs on the collar.
RORY: Ok letís think. Come on. [going upstairs]
PARIS: Where are you going?
RORY: to our one stop shopping store.
[Upstairs in Lorelaiís room.]
PARIS: Is this your motherís room?
RORY: Yes it is.
PARIS: I canít wear your motherís clothes.
RORY: Yes you can, I do it all the time. What about this? [holding up pink blouse]
PARIS: My mother says the color pink makes my head look small.
RORY: Ok, no pink.
PARIS: This whole thing is so insane.
PARIS: Tristan asking me out? Why would he do that?
RORY: Why would he not do that?
PARIS: Because heís gorgeous and experienced and only dates those most likely to become a trophy wife.
RORY: Tristan would be lucky to go out with someone like you. Heís not going to have to read the menu to you or explain that the dancing trash bins in the movie theatre previews arenít real. Itís going to be much less stressful.
PARIS: All these years Iíve hoped this would happen and now it has and I feel...I donít know. I donít have a lot of experience in the dating department. I mean if you canít put it on your transcript whatís the point right?
RORY: I know. Before Dean Iíd never had a boyfriend. Or a kiss.
RORY: I never even thought about dating.
PARIS: Then you met Dean.
RORY: Yeah. And he was so special and nice and made me completely nauseous.
PARIS: The best ones do.
RORY: I couldnít even talk around him.
PARIS: I saw you at the dance. You didnít seem to have any trouble talking. Or gazing annoyingly into each others eyes.
RORY: But that was after weíd been dating a little. After we started going out and spending time together, I donít know, it just kind of got easier. And then by the third date everything was perfect.
PARIS: Do you miss him a lot?
RORY: Yeah, a lot, a lot.
RORY: Thanks. But tonight is not about me. Tonight is about you going out with Tristan in this outfit. What do you think?
PARIS: Itís ok. [Rory gives her a look] Itís great.
RORY: Put it on.
PARIS: Are you sure?
RORY: Yeah. Bathroomís down the hall and Iíll get you a lipstick with some actual color in it.
PARIS: Ok. [throws her jacket on the bed and note cards fall out of it.]
RORY: Uh, Paris. What are these cards that fell out of your jacket?
PARIS: Oh yeah. Those are notes for tonight.
PARIS: Yeah. Just some reference points really - you know subjects to bring up in case the conversation lags.
RORY: Well can I suggest that you leave this one about the Spanish Inquisition out?
PARIS: Itís not very romantic?
RORY: Not really.
PARIS: Ok, Iím dressed.
RORY: Howís it look?
RORY: Well I donít really trust your opinion on that subject so come out here please.
PARIS: Fine but it looks bad. [opens bathroom door]
RORY: You look great!
PARIS: I feel weird.
RORY: Well then weird works for you because you look amazing.
PARIS: Really? Youíre not just saying that?
RORY: I swear to God.
PARIS: Are you atheist?
RORY: Excuse me?
PARIS: Because that affects the validity of your swearing to God.
RORY: You look great. And I wouldnít tell you you did if you didnít.
PARIS: Ok, well if you think it looks ok.
RORY: I believe the word Ďamazingí was used.
PARIS: Then Iíll wear it. Thanks.
PARIS: I have to go.
PARIS: Youíre going to hold this evening over my head for the rest of my life arenít you?
CUT TO GRANDMAíS HOUSE
TRIX: What did you think about the rabbit?
LORELAI: Oh, I thought it was wonderful.
TRIX: You know I brought it with me.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
TRIX: From London. London has the best game.
LORELAI: You brought it with you from London?
LORELAI: What, did you get it a seat?
EMILY: Dry ice.
LORELAI: Wow! Thatís inventive.
TRIX: Well it looks like weíre finished here.
RICHARD: Letís retire to the living room for a brandy.
TRIX: Yes. Lorelai, walk with me. I have something that I want to discuss with you.
TRIX: Iíve been thinking about something I heard the other night.
LORELAI: What was that?
TRIX: That you borrowed money from your parents for Roryís school.
LORELAI: Well if youíre worried about them getting the money back -
TRIX: You know Shakespeare once wrote ĎNeither a borrower nor a lender beí. Do you consider Shakespeare a wise man?
LORELAI: Uh, sure, yeah.
EMILY: We certainly donít mind loaning Lorelai the money if thatís what youíre worried about.
RICHARD: Certainly not. Rory is first priority in this house.
TRIX: Iím not concerned about whether you mind or not. Loaning money is a dirty business. Itís distasteful and I donít care for it. As you know, I came into town to check up on the family investments and to talk with our lawyers. I have some things to put in order, and one of them is setting up a trust fund for Rory.
LORELAI: Wh - thatís amazing. Really?
TRIX: Now normally I would set up a fund that she would have access to when sheís 25. However, considering the situation, if you like, I will arrange for her to get it now.
TRIX: That way she can use it to pay for Chilton.
LORELAI: Oh Gran, I donít know what to say, that is so generous of you.
RICHARD: My mother is a very special woman isnít she?
TRIX: You talk about me like Iím dead.
RICHARD: Oh youíre never going to die! Youíre too stubborn!
LORELAI: Gran this is - I donít know what to say.
TRIX: Nothing now would be preferable. I have arranged for you and your mother and I to have tea tomorrow before I leave. Say it then. Good night Emily.
EMILY: Good night.
RICHARD: Well Iíll just uh, walk mother upstairs and be right back.
LORELAI: Wow! That was quite a bomb she just dropped.
EMILY: It certainly was.
LORELAI: God! Um, I guess I should be going. Thanks for dinner Mom. Iíll see you tomorrow. [leaves]
EMILY: Lorelai...[follows her to foyer] Youíre not honestly considering accepting that money are you?
LORELAI: Um yeah, of course Iím considering it.
EMILY: I donít think thatís very wise.
LORELAI: Why not?
EMILY: Because sheís a young girl. She wonít know the first thing about managing that money.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, Iíll help her.
EMILY: You donít know the first thing about managing that money either.
LORELAI: No, but Iíve very familiar with the second thing.
EMILY: How can you not see the pitfalls in accepting that money?
EMILY: I mean youíre the one that brags about how special your relationship with Rory is. Iím stunned that you want to jeopardize it like this.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
EMILY: Well you know as well as I do that money is freedom.
EMILY: If Rory has that money she wonít need you anymore.
LORELAI: I donít know Mom, sheís 16. Thereís still a couple of ways I might come in handy, you know buying the beer that kind of stuff.
EMILY: Well Iím glad you thing losing your daughter is so funny.
EMILY: Sheíll be self sufficient, she wonít need you to pay for anything, she wonít have to turn to you.
LORELAI: Everything in a relationship isnít about money mom.
EMILY: Sheíll move out as soon as she can.
LORELAI: So what.
EMILY: She wonít need your help to put her through college, she wonít need you to buy a car.
LORELAI: Ok you know what? Say goodbye to Dad for me as soon as the voices in your head subside.
EMILY: Why should she wait to backpack around Europe with you? She could afford to go herself. And she could take a friend or a boyfriend or anyone.
LORELAI: Yeah well she wants to go with me.
EMILY: Well now of course she does she doesnít have options. But the minute you give her options...
LORELAI: Ok, thatís it. Youíre nuts and Iím going - in that order. [leaves]
EMILY: Itís terrible not to be needed. Youíll see!
[Pan to Gilmore house, Lorelai walks in and goes into Roryís room to find her asleep. She takes away the books from Rory and covers her. She holds up a Harvard brochure and we see Roryís room has posters of places from Europe up.]
CUT TO STREET
[Sookie and Lorelai at flower shop]
SOOKIE: That is amazing!
LORELAI: I know. One minute itís Ďpass the pot roastí the next minute itís Ďhey, hereís have a pile of moneyí. Things are never boring at the Gilmore house.
SOOKIE: What did Rory say when you told her?
LORELAI: I havenít told her yet.
LORELAI: She was asleep when I got home.
SOOKIE: Hi, for that much money you wake her up! You hire a singing telegram! Women jump out of cakes! People dress up like bankers and dance around with those toasters!
LORELAI: Well sheís been working her butt off all week on this Chilton paper, so I let her sleep and Iíll tell her tonight.
SOOKIE: Call her now. Ooh, page her, or page her and have her call my cell phone and we can sing the money song from ĎCabaretí. You be Liza, Iíll be Joel.
LORELAI: I donít know.
SOOKIE: Hey Iím Joel.
LORELAI: I donít want to bother her while sheís at school. I can never decide, carnations tacky or trendy?
SOOKIE: You donít want to tell her.
LORELAI: Yeah I do. I think.
SOOKIE: Oh well I understand the hesitation.
LORELAI: You do?
SOOKIE: Absolutely. I mean who wants to be the bearer of good news. All that hugging and happiness - nightmare.
LORELAI: I was, I was thrilled when Gran told me about it and I was going to tell Rory about it right away.
LORELAI: My mother...
LORELAI: ...cornered me by the door saying all this stuff about how when Rory gets the money sheís not going to need me and sheís gonna move out of the house sooner.
SOOKIE: What? Thatís crazy!
LORELAI: I know it is, itís crazy and yet...
SOOKIE: Honey come on. The womanís just trying to mess with your mind, you know that.
LORELAI: I do.
SOOKIE: She just doesnít want to lose control of you. She wants you to be permanently obligated to her.
LORELAI: I know, I know that.
SOOKIE: So then what? You donít believe what she said do you?
LORELAI: I donít know. I mean youíre right - what youíre saying about she wants to mess with my mind and make me feel obligated but I mean, what if the money does change our relationship?
LORELAI: Well anythingís possible.
SOOKIE: Come on.
LORELAI: I couldnít stand that. I like things the way they are now.
SOOKIE: Lorelai, this is Rory weíre talking about.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: Sheís like the most unmaterialistic kid in the world.
LORELAI: Not itís not about what she would buy. I donít care if she buys a house or a boat or the elephant manís bones. Itís just that - you know, itís about the freedom. I mean if I had access to all that money as a kid I would have left the house so fast.
SOOKIE: Faster than 17?
LORELAI: No I mean - God I know this is crazy. I have my motherís voice stuck in my head. Itís like that annoying Cranberries song. I hate that I let her do this! I have that I let her get to me!
SOOKIE: Well then donít let her. Call Rory and tell her about the money and youíll see that nothing will be any different.
LORELAI: I donít want her to go to Europe without me. That was going to be our thing.
SOOKIE: Sheís not going to go without you. I promise.
LORELAI: Hey - [looks at Sookieís watch] Aw! No! Iíve got to go home.
SOOKIE: Why? What are you doing?
LORELAI: I have to change and go to tea with Gran and the cast of ĎGaslightí.
SOOKIE: Wow, Iíll see you later.
CUT TO GRANDMAíS HOUSE
RICHARD: Youíre hysterical, I canít talk to you when youíre hysterical.
EMILY: Well you make me hysterical.
RICHARD: I am tired of fighting about this.
EMILY: You have to got to get her to take that offer back.
EMILY: Richard Gilmore I have put up with a lot from this woman over the years...
RICHARD: Keep your voice down.
EMILY: But this time sheís gone too far!
RICHARD: Emily please.
EMILY: I can go louder!
RICHARD: If I do as you ask, Iíll be insulting my mother. I will not do that.
EMILY: Now you listen to me. I donít care if she demeans me and looks down on me. I donít care if she thinks Iíve tarnished the Gilmore name. I donít care if she thinks Iím the whore of Babylon. Iíve long ago given up any hope of getting into her psychotic good graces, but that woman is horrible and selfish. And sheís not going to get away with it. I wonít let her.
RICHARD: This is my mother youíre talking about.
EMILY: Yes it is. Your mother, the one who stepped in without being asked and single-handedly wrecked everything!
RICHARD: Emily, what is this about?
EMILY: Sheíll never come back here you know.
RICHARD: Who? Mother, of course she will she -
EMILY: If she gets that money, Lorelai will never come back here. She wonít have to.
TRIX: Iíve ordered a car, women shouldnít drive. Are you ready? [heads for the door]
EMILY: Yes Iím ready. [looks at Richard]
TRIX: I shall die soon you know!
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory sitting outside classroom]
PARIS: Well arenít we early. Trying to suck up to Parliament?
RORY: Hey howíd it go last night?
PARIS: It went.
RORY: It went well?
PARIS: Well he picked me up. We went to dinner and a movie. I didnít use my note cards once and he kissed me good night.
RORY: Paris Iím so glad!
PARIS: It was a great kiss.
RORY: See? All that nervousness for nothing.
PARIS: Yeah. God this is so weird. I canít stop smiling.
RORY: Good, then itís a good time to talk about our over taxed peasants.
PARIS: Oh let them eat cake.
TRISTAN: [walking by them] Hey.
RORY: Donít look at me. I didnít kiss you.
[Paris follows him in.]
PARIS: I just wanted to tell you again that I had so much fun last night.
TRISTAN: Yeah, after five messages on my answering machine, I kinda got that impression.
PARIS: Too much, sorry.
TRISTAN: No forget it, it was cute.
PARIS: You know, maybe we could do it again sometime. I mean a different movie of course but the same basic plan.
PARIS: Great, because it was really fun.
TRISTAN: It was fun and we should do it again. I mean you know - as friends.
PARIS: Oh, yeah as friends. [disappointed]
TRISTAN: You noticed it too right? That weíre sort of more friends material than dating material?
PARIS: Yes I did notice. I have excellent deductive skills.
TRISTAN: But hey, Iím glad we did it.
PARIS: Oh sure.
TRISTAN: When Rory first suggested us going out I thought the idea was crazy but she made some good points. We do have some history and well, you never know right?
PARIS: Yes you never know. Ok, so weíre done here right?
TRISTAN: Uh sure.
PARIS: Great. Excuse me. [walks over to Rory who just entered classroom]
PARIS: It was your idea?
PARIS: So what, I get all your cast offs now?! Iím just that pathetic?! ĎJee I donít want them so maybe I can con the suckers into taking out Paris the loserí! Throw the dog a bone!
RORY: Ok let me -
PARIS: I am not your charity case!
RORY: No itís not like that, I swear. I just thought you guys would make a good couple thatís all.
PARIS: We did make a good couple - for one night! But obviously weíre more suited to just being friends or at least that was what was conveyed so humiliatingly to me just five seconds ago.
RORY: Paris, Iím sorry -
PARIS: I hate you! [storms out and Madeline and Louise who came in and caught the tail end follow her]
RORY: [goes up to Tristan] You told her?
TRISTAN: I didnít know it was a secret.
RORY: Why would you tell her? What is wrong with you?!
TRISTAN: Rory relax, we tried ok, it didnít work out, itís not big deal.
RORY: Itís a huge deal to Paris and you didnít try. One date isnít trying.
TRISTAN: Rory -
RORY: You said youíd try.
TRISTAN: Hey, Iím sorry Paris is upset ok? But is it better that I keep dating her even thought I like somebody else?
RORY: I didnít realize. So...youíre still not over Summer huh?
TRISTAN: [semi-sarcastically] Yeah, Iím not over Summer yet. [leaves, Rory looks confused or feels bad for him]
CUT TO TEA
LORELAI: Whereís Gran?
EMILY: Torturing the bathroom attendant I suppose.
LORELAI: Ah. So um, this place seems clean.
EMILY: Yes, itís famous for itís cleanliness. So what did Rory say when you told her? About the money I mean. She must have been very excited.
LORELAI: Yes she was. Rose tea. Thatís funny. Thatís not really tea is it? Itís like rose petals in hot water. More like a bad floral arrangement.
EMILY: Well what did Rory say, fill me in?
LORELAI: She was happy.
LORELAI: Yeah - she screamed she did that air-lasso thing over her head.
EMILY: Lorelai be serious.
LORELAI: She was asleep when I got home Mom so I couldnít tell her.
EMILY: She doesnít know?
EMILY: Well...something I said mustíve really struck a chord with you.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
EMILY: You didnít tell her so you must have had a reason.
LORELAI: Ah she was asleep Mom, I just told you that.
EMILY: The only thing I can think of is that you must have reconsidered based on our conversation.
LORELAI: I didnít reconsider.
EMILY: I mean yesterday you could hardly wait to get home to announce your great fortune to her. Today all you can talk about is rose petal tea.
LORELAI: Yes well, itís a little weird.
EMILY: And you havenít told her that now she has her own money to put herself through school, to go to Europe -
LORELAI: Stop right now. This is just like you to take something that should be great and twist it into something ugly. Why do you do that? What is wrong with you?
EMILY: Thereís nothing wrong with me.
LORELAI: Yes there is. Thereís something seriously wrong with you. You should be studied.
EMILY: I donít understand why youíre getting so upset. I respect the decision that you made.
LORELAI: I made no decision.
EMILY: Whatever you say.
LORELAI: Ok, you know what? Iím going to call her and uh, tell her right now. [looks for her cell]
EMILY: No youíre not.
LORELAI: Yes in fact I am. [moving phone around her]
EMILY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: The reception sucks in here.
EMILY: Stop it, you look like youíre having a fit.
LORELAI: Ok, well Iím gonna go find a payphone. [gets up]
EMILY: [stopping her] Youíre grandmother will be back any second. Just have a sandwich.
LORELAI: Have a sandwich? Thatís what you have to say to me? Have a sandwich.
EMILY: Well what do you want me to say?
LORELAI: I want you to say that you are sorry you tried to talk me out of taking this money. That you realize that youíre just being petty and controlling and mean and that you know thereís no amount of money that can change the relationship Rory and I have. Thatís what I want you to say - say that.
EMILY: I will not.
LORELAI: Well say it Mom, or Iím finding a payphone.
TRIX: Lorelai - youíre here.
LORELAI: Hi Gran.
TRIX: So have you ordered the tea yet?
EMILY: No not yet.
TRIX: Well good because Iím afraid Iím going to have to take my leave of you a little earlier than I had anticipated.
LORELAI: What, why?
TRIX: My train leaves tonight and I have a little last minute packing to do.
EMILY: Well I can help you with the packing.
TRIX: Plus I really donít wish to witness anymore of this ugly little fight you two seem to be having. Raising your voice during high tea, who ever heard of such a thing. Itís like Fergi all over again.
LORELAI: Oh Gran please, Iím so sorry. Weíre done. Please donít leave.
TRIX: I can see now that offering that trust fund was a bad idea. After all, taking into account the maturity level of those involved, this large amount of money would probably not be safe.
LORELAI: No Gran, that isnít true. Rory is an incredibly mature kid.
TRIX: Oh Iím sure she is. Itís you Iím worried about.
LORELAI: But -
TRIX:. [to Emily] And Iím sure she gets it from you.
EMILY: But -
TRIX: Tell Rory goodbye for me. You two are welcome to visit me in London anytime. Emily, please get my coat. I will meet you outside. [leaves]
LORELAI: Well you won.
EMILY: I did not win.
LORELAI: You didnít want me to take the money and Iím not taking the money. Thatís called winning.
EMILY: Iím sorry.
LORELAI: No youíre not.
EMILY: Well...yes I am.
LORELAI: Forget it Mom, itís not big deal.
EMILY: No it is a big deal. Here Rory had this wonderful opportunity and we - and I...maybe I can talk to her.
LORELAI: Oh yes thatíll work.
EMILY: Well Iíll go to your father.
EMILY: He can talk to her. He can fix it. Iíll make him fix it. [takes out cell and dials] Ugh damn reception. Well Iíll go to a payphone.
LORELAI: Mom, Mom, stay here.
EMILY: Yes but Chilton.
LORELAI: Rory can still go to Chilton unless youíre rethinking our agreement.
EMILY: No, not at all. Iím not rethinking anything.
LORELAI: Ok then weíre good.
EMILY: Are you sure?
LORELAI: Weíre good.
EMILY: Well Iíd better get out there before she leaves me here.
LORELAI: Iím sure youíll be sorry to see her go.
EMILY: Oh yes, I donít know what Iíll do with my self. Weíll see you Friday?
LORELAI: See you Friday. [Emily turns to leave] Hey Mom?
EMILY: Yes? [turning back]
LORELAI: Can I ask you a favor.
EMILY: Anything, anything at all.
LORELAI: Donít make us take the coat rack back.
CUT TO BUS STOP
[Lorelai waiting, coffee in hand, as Rory gets off the bus.]
LORELAI: Here [giving her a coffee]
RORY: Thanks. I thought you were gonna have tea today.
LORELAI: Uh, we did, we finished.
RORY: Finished early.
LORELAI: Yeah well once youíre done with those little sandwiches, thereís not reason to pretend you like tea anymore.
RORY: Oh I totally understand. Listen thereís something I have to tell you.
RORY: I loaned Paris your black mini and thereís a good chance you may never see it again.
LORELAI: Oh well thereís something I have to tell you.
LORELAI: You lost out on $250,000 dollars today.
[Lorelai nods as they walk down the street.]
Liza Weil - Paris
Chad Michael Murray - Tristin
Shelly Cole - Madeline
Teal Redmann - Louise
Marion Ross - Lorelai "Trix" Gilmore
Grant Lee Phillips - Grant
The Third Lorelai Summary ...