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Transcript: Christopher Returns ...

Written by: Daniel Palladino
Directed by: Michael Katleman


LORELAI: I want to know why you wonít paint this place?

LUKE: Paintingís a pain. Iíd have to close the place for a day which I canít afford or paint it in the middle of the night which I donít want to because I hate painting.

LORELAI: Ok, how about this. Iíll help you, I love to paint.

LUKE: Well I guess maybeÖif I had help.

LORELAI: Oh heís so cute. Whatís his name?

RORY: Case study number 12.

LORELAI: Show yourself. Moult or chirp or something. Oh this is so not funny.

LUKE: Yeah?

LORELAI: Luke, Stella got out. Could you come over here please and help me?

LUKE: Iíll be right over.

SOOKIE: Out of all the people in town that you couldíve called that wouldíve come over and dropped whatever they were doing, you called Luke.

GRANDMA: Do you have feelings for this man?

LORELAI: Maybe I do.

LUKE: Donít you do dinner with your folks on Friday?

LORELAI: Yeah, but I can get out early for a special occasion.

LUKE: Friday it is.


LUKE: Good.

RORY: Dad!

CHRISTOPHER: Hey! And on the way I thought Iíd stop by and surprise the Gilmore girls. Are you surprised?

LORELAI: Oh the teeniest feather could knock me in the gutter.

CHRISTOPHER: So where would somebody find someplace to stay around here?

RORY: Stay, really? Youíre staying?

CHRISTOPHER: Iím thinking about it.

RORY: Stay with us.

LORELAI: Why donít you stay with us for a couple of days.

CHRISTOPHER: Thanks Lor. You wonít even know Iím there. Hey hop on.

LORELAI: Christopher.


[Roryís putting blankets on the couch for Christopher]

RORY: He looks good donít you think?

LORELAI: He looks good.

RORY: I like his hair shorter.

LORELAI: Short is nice.

RORY: Do you think heíll stay long?

LORELAI: Wouldnít bet a lot of money on it.

RORY: Maybe we can get him to stay for a couple of weeks.

LORELAI: Absolutely - by weighting him down with blankets.

RORY: I jus want him to be comfortable.

LORELAI: Heís gonna come and go as he pleases babe, you know that.

RORY: Yeah, I know.

LORELAI: And no amount of bedding is gonna change that.

RORY: Yeah, but heís never been to Stars Hollow before.

LORELAI: I know.

RORY: Well that means somethingís gotta be different right?

LORELAI: Why donít you just enjoy the time youíve got ok?

RORY: [pause] Yeah, ok. I still think something is different though.

CHRISTOPHER: [coming down the stairs] That is the worst shower I have ever had. Water pressure keeps changing every two seconds. Iím fixing it tomorrow.

LORELAI: Hey you stay away from my shower.

RORY: We ordered chinese food. It should be here any minute.

CHRISTOPHER: Good, Iím starving.

LORELAI: Here [handing him a cup of coffee]

RORY: Hey, howís Diane?

CHRISTOPHER: Uh, Diane is ancient history.

RORY: When I met her at Easter you said she could be the one.

CHRISTOPHER: The one to be gone by Memorial Day.

RORY: Youíre worse than mom.

LORELAI: Low blow.

CHRISTOPHER: Canít keep a feller happy?

LORELAI: Oh I keep them happy. I keep them very happy.

RORY: Ok, now. Donít get gross.

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah youíre upsetting us.

RORY: Iím gonna go study before the food gets here.

CHRISTOPHER: What? Tomorrowís Saturday.

RORY: I know, I like to get my weekend homework done and out of the way by Saturday night so then I can do extra-credit stuff on Sunday [leaves]

LORELAI: Donít look at me.

CHRISTOPHER: Sheís a great kid Lor. I wish I could say I see more of myself in her other than we have similar left ear lobes, but sheís all you - chip off the oldÖperfect block.

LORELAI: Why the hell are you here?

CHRISTOPHER: Behold the queen of the subtle transition.

LORELAI: Why are you here?

CHRISTOPHER: Youíre gonna force me to lawyer up officer.

LORELAI: Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER: Ok look. Iíve been making some changes, especially my career and I think I finally have all my ducks lined up in a row.

LORELAI: Youíre opening a shooting gallery.

CHRISTOPHER: Iíve been tying up loose ends in my life.

LORELAI: Do they make that much string?

CHRISTOPHER: You know youíve always had that verbal thing, quick mind - itís annoying.

LORELAI: So youíve been tying up loose ends.

CHRISTOPHER: I donít know how much your dad has told you but Iím on the verge of kind of a big success, itís for real this time. Iíve got a company with an actual cash flow, Iíve got employees, Iíve got an accountant for Godís sake. He wears a tie and says words like Ďfiduciaryí and Ďironicallyí. I mean itís for real this time Lor.

LORELAI: I would love to believe it is.

CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] Why does your dad have more faith in my than you.

LORELAI: My father hit his head surfing Rincon a couple of years ago. His judgementís a little off.

CHRISTOPHER: So you have zero faith?

LORELAI: Iíve known you since I was six Chris. Youíre the guy that crashed his Porsche two hours after his parents gave it to him for his 16th birthday.

CHRISTOPHER: And you were the girl in the Pinky Tuscadero t-shirt sitting right next to me.

LORELAI: Horrified.

CHRISTOPHER: Think again.

LORELAI: Alright, having a blast then horrified.

CHRISTOPHER: Just listen to me will you?

LORELAI: Iím listening to you. Your lifeís back on track, I think thatís great. And I appreciate you coming all the way out here, for the very first time might I add, to tell us that.

CHRISTOPHER: I didnít come out here just to tell you that.


CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] Thereís some things I need to doÖto take care of.


CHRISTOPHER: I havenít been enough a part of Roryís life. So I wanna be around more, to be a pal she can depend on. I mean Iím not crazy, I know thereís already a life going on here and God knows she doesnít need anyone besides you butÖif you give me a chanceÖ

LORELAI: Iíve always had the door to Rory open for you.


LORELAI: Youíve hardly ever used it.

CHRISTOPHER: Well I wanna use it now. Is that ok?

LORELAI: Of course it is.


RORY:[coming into the living room] Hey, I forgot to ask you. Tomorrow morning Iím going to a softball game, do you wanna come?

CHRISTOPHER: YouÖplay softball?

RORY: [laughing] Uh, no.

LORELAI: [laughing] You? Play softball? Good one.

CHRISTOPHER: Well ok, whoís game is it?

RORY: Itís my friend Deanís.


RORY: Yeah Dean. The game starts at 9:00.

CHRISTOPHER: Uh, sure. Itís a date. [Rory leaves. To Lorelai] She has a Dean?

LORELAI: She has a Dean.

CHRISTOPHER: How did this happen?

LORELAI: Well a single-celled organism crawled out of primordial ooze and that pretty much lead to Dean.

CHRISTOPHER: I need a beer.



LORELAI: [chuckles] Thereís a lot more than an earlobe resemblance there.

CHRISTOPHER: Good. Hey, thanks for the door thing.

LORELAI: Thanks for wanting it.


[Lukeís pitching and Deanís in the on deck circle]

DEAN: [to batter] You got it, you got the next one. Donít worry about it.

[batter strikes out]

CHRISTOPHER: So which is your Dean?

RORY: Thatís him over there.

LUKE: Ok, weíve got two outs.

RORY: And thatís Luke.

CHRISTOPHER: Lukeís the diner guy?

RORY: Yes. We eat there practically every day.

LUKE: Looks like we got out number three coming to the plate guys. [as Rory and Chris sit in the bleachers in front of Kirk]

DEAN: Iíd send your boys a little farther into the field Luke.

LUKE: Why? Will they have a better view of you whiffing?

DEAN: You know, the only way Iím not hitting it, is if you donít have the strength to get it over the plate.

KIRK: The truth of the matter is that you canít pitch [pointing to Luke] and you canít hit [point to Dean]. So thisíll be a terrific match up.

LUKE: Knock it off Kirk.

KIRK: A historic lack of action.

LUKE: Donít you have anything better to do with your Saturdays?

KIRK: What can I say, Iím addicted to comedy. [to Rory and Chris] Half an hour they been playing and itís tied zero - zero. [louder] Hey if you ever take this show on the road I got a name for you, zero and zero. Dean Zero and Luke Zero - get it?

LUKE: Doesnít even resemble clever.

KIRK: Iím dumbing it down for you Alfalfa.

CHRISTOPHER: How long do these games last?

RORY: Till they get tired. And then they say the first team to get a run wins.

KIRK: Yeah, itís real professional down there. Hey Luke, does your husband play softball too?

LUKE: Alright thatís it. [starts for the bleachers]

KIRK: UmÖIím getting a page. Iíve gotta go. [jumps off the bleachers and starts running.]

[Dean comes over to Rory]

DEAN: Hey.

RORY: Hey. Dean this is my dad. Dad, this is Dean.


DEAN: Uh, nice to meet you.


DEAN: So do you live in the area?

CHRISTOPHER: No I had some time so I rode my bike out from Berkley.

DEAN: Really? What do you got?

RORY: [proudly] Itís a 2000 Indian.

DEAN: I got an í86 Suzuki.


DEAN: Yeah.

LUKE: Dean come on!

DEAN: I gotta go. [to Rory] Iíll see you later. [to Christopher] I was nice meeting you. [runs onto the field]

CHRISTOPHER: So that was a Dean?

RORY: That was a Dean?

DEAN: [to Luke] Hey, uh, next run wins alright?

LUKE: [sighs] Yeah alright.


[Michel and Sookie are laughing as Lorelai enters]


SOOKIE: Wow what?

LORELAI: Wow! I have never seen you two enjoy a pleasant moment together.

SOOKIE: Oh come on.

MICHEL: Oh you have seen us enjoy a pleasant moment!

LORELAI: No, not ever.

MICHEL: Oh you are being absurd.

SOOKIE: You have to admit, they are few and far between.

MICHEL: Through not fault of mine.

LORELAI: Iím just saying, itís refreshing you know? Itís not the usual ĎGrrí thatís all.

SOOKIE: Through no fault of yours? Iím sorry, but youíre the one thatís soÖI donít know.

MICHEL: Oh I think you do otherwise you wouldnít have started saying it.

SOOKIE: Just yourself - caustic.

MICHEL: You mean obnoxious.

SOOKIE: Youíre words not mine.

MICHEL: Go to hell [leaves]

LORELAI: Oh no, Iím just saying itís refreshing to see you two just - oh yeah.

SOOKIE: You - get in here and tell me the happenings at home.

LORELAI: Iím assuming you mean Ďdid we get our toaster fixedí and no, itís been cold pop-tarts for a week, itís like a damn Dickenís novel.

SOOKIE: Iím not talking about the toaster, Iím talking about the man.


SOOKIE: So whatís it like having him around the house all the time?

LORELAI: Well itís, um, a little weird. We have fewer clean towels than usual.

SOOKIE: Come on give me something. Tell me how you feel, Iím dying here.

LORELAI: Honestly, Iíve been trying to figure out how this makes me feel since he asked me to take off my shirt the other day.

SOOKIE: Excuse me?

LORELAI: No, it was a - kind of a Ďhelloí kind of thing.

SOOKIE: Wow. Heís sooth.

LORELAI: Yeah. I mean I have not seen this man since last christmas right. We hear from him maybe once a week - maybe. And then all of a sudden heís here in my town and Roryís running around all excited and heís sleeping on the couch and Iím thinking Ďshould I be mad, should I send him to a hotelí but then he smiles and itísÖChristopher.

SOOKIE: Here. [handing her a biscotti]

LORELAI: I mean not matter how many years go by, no matter how long I donít see him for, whenever I do, itís alwaysÖChristopher. What do I do with this? [holding up biscotti]

SOOKIE: Dunk. Go on.

LORELAI: [sighs] This man knows all my secrets. All of my bad girl moments happened with him - my worst fashion choices, my big hair days, the wearing of the Bonnie-Bell lipsmackers around my neck - it was all with Christopher.

SOOKIE: So do you think you two will -


SOOKIE: Oh well thatís convincing.

LORELAI: I donít know I - he wants to be involved with Rory. He wants to spend more time with her, be a pal.

SOOKIE: Itís about time.

LORELAI: Yeah thatís good.


LORELAI: Yeah - if itís true.

SOOKIE: And if itís not?

LORELAI: Then itís [sighs] Christopher.


[Roryís showing Christopher around town]

RORY: This is the town flower shop. Um, over there is a good pizza place. Thatís the stationary store and thatís Alís Pancake world.

CHRISTOPHER: Good pancakes?

RORY: Oh he doesnít serve pancakes.


RORY: He switched to international cuisine a couple of years ago, and dropped the pancakes. He wouldíve changed the name but he had already printed like a million napkins with the original name so he just kept it.

CHRISTOPHER: What kind of international cuisine?

RORY: He kind of hops around. Last month it was his salute to Paraguay.

CHRISTOPHER: Anyone salute back?

RORY: Not really.

MISS PATTY: Rory! Honey! How are you sweetie?

RORY: Great. Miss Patty, this is my dad, Christopher.

MISS PATTY: Your dad.

CHRISTOPHER: Nice to meet you.

MISS PATTY: Youíre Roryís father, well, well, well. You know Christopher, weíre all like Roryís parents around here and Iím one of her mothers. And since youíre her father, well that would make usÖa couple. [laughing] A couple of what I donít know.

RORY: Ok, well weíve got to be going.

MISS PATTY: Yes well, come back and see me.


MISS PATTY: [laughing] Bye. [As Rory and Chris cross the street she takes out her cell phone and dials]

[As Rory and Chris pass the market]

TAYLOR: Well you must be Roryís father.

CHRISTOPHER: Uh, yes I am.

TAYLOR: Taylor Doose, grocer to Stars Hollow.

CHRISTOPHER: Very nice to meet you. [they keep walking. To Rory] News travels fast around here.

RORY: Yes it does. [behind them you see Taylor dialing.]

CHRISTOPHER: Bookstore. Good. Come on.[they enter. Jackson and Andrew are there]

JACKSON: Hey, hey Christopher! Jackson Melville.


JACKSON: Boy I gotta tell you, did they get your description wrong.


JACKSON: Oh yeah, much more George Clooney than Brad Pitt. Hey Andrew.


JACKSON: Donít you thin heís much more George Clooney than Brad Pitt?

ANDREW: Iím going with the Billy Crudup comparison myself.

JACKSON: Really?

ANDREW: Oh yeah.

JACKSON: I donít see it. Well maybe from the side. Hey do you mind? [Jackson grabs him and turns him from one side profile to the other]

CHRISTOPHER: What? Uh, no, not at all.

JACKSON: Well thereís a little Crudup in there. Huh, well itís nice to meet you, whoever you look like.

CHRISTOPHER: Nice to meet you. [tugs at Rory as they go down an aisle] Ok, Iím kidnapping you and getting you out of here.

RORY: They all mean well.

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, Iím sure all lunatics have the best intentions. Ok, so I hear you like books.

RORY: Why yes I do.

CHRISTOPHER: Well I would like you to pick something out and let my buy it for you.

RORY: Dad you donít have to buy me anything.

CHRISTOPHER: Come on, whatís the book of your dreams right now?

RORY: Well that would definitely be the Compact Oxford English Dictionary, but dad -

CHRISTOPHER: Excuse me - one Compact Oxford English Dictionary please.


RORY: Dad no, it costs a fortune.

CHRISTOPHER: You need something to remember this visit by.

ANDREW [bringing a very large and heavy book] Here you go.

CHRISTOPHER: Holy mother. This is the monolith from 2001.

RORY: It has every word ever recorded in the English language plus origins and earliest usage.

CHRISTOPHER: You sure you wouldnít rather have a car, they weigh about the same. Here you go. [handing over a credit card]

RORY: This is so nice of you.

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well Iíve got a lot of things to make up for.

RORY: No you donít.


ANDREW: [whispering] Uh, Iím sorry Christopher, your credit card has been rejected.

CHRISTOPHER: Rejected? What are you talking about?

ANDREW: I could run it through again if youíd like.

RORY: Yes.

CHRISTOPHER: Uh, no. He doesnít need to run it throug hagain.

RORY: Oh, ok.

CHRISTOPHER: Could you maybe hold that for us? Iíll come back tomorrow with another card.

ANDREW: Sure Chris, no problem.

CHRISTOPHER: Thanks. Come on. [they leave the bookstore. Outside] Now youíll really remember me.

RORY: I didnít want it that much anyways.

CHRISTOPHER: Hey, listen, donít tell your mom about this ok?


JACKSON: [standing with his back to them talking to a group of people] Yes it is her real dad. He seems very nice. Kind of a folky, poppy, urban, scruffy look to him. And obviously thereís some money mixed in there because heís got that you know, money nose. And - [someone clears their throat. Jackson turns around and see Rory and Chris standing there. He touches his touque and runs off. ]


[Lorelai sitting at a table]

LUKE: So Rory was at the game today.

LORELAI: Oh yeah.

LUKE: Yeah she was with some guy.


LUKE: No, I know that punk. Some older guy.

LORELAI: Oh, that wouldíve been her dad.

LUKE: Really? So thatís uhÖ

LORELAI: The guy who impregnated me with Rory - yes.

LUKE: Oh, well, he did a good job.

LORELAI: Impregnating me with Rory?

LUKE: Now this has taken a very weird turn.


[Rory and Chris enter]


LORELAI: Oh hi, where were you? [as she kisses Rory]

CHRISTOPHER: Well we saw Alís Paraguayan pancake house, we were stalked by several towns people and apparently I look like Billy Crudup.

LORELAI: You do not.

CHRISTOPHER: Take it up with Jackson. [phone rings]

LORELAI: Ah, ah, ah, ah,. Hey, hey, hey, hey. [points to the no cell phone sign]

CHRISTOPHER: Hello? Emily!


CHRISTOPHER: [whispers] Itís your mother.

GRANDMA: Hi Grandma!

CHRISTOPHER: Uh-huh [pause] Well actually Iím sitting here with your girls. [pause] Sure. [to Lorelai, handing her the phone] She wants to speak to you.

LORELAI: Mm. Hi mom.

GRANDMA: Lorelai, Christopherís in town!

LORELAI: [gasps] What?! I didnít know! Although coincidently Iím sitting across an amazing Christopher hologram.

GRANDMA: Well I had this wonderful idea. Christopherís parents are in town too. You remember Straub and Francine donít you?

LORELAI: Ah yes - the Schnickelfritzes.

GRANDMA: The who?

LORELAI: The Haydenís.

GRANDMA: Well I called them up and invited them to dinner. They said they are free to join us all on Friday night.

LORELAI: Join us all?

GRANDMA: Yes. You, Rory, Christopher, your father.

LORELAI: Thatís quite a gathering mom.

GRANDMA: Well I should say so. We havenít all been together since the two of you were children. And Straub and Francine havenít seen Rory since she was a baby.

LORELAI: Yeah I know but -

GRANDMA: Itíll be like a wonderful reunion - all of us together again. I never thought it would happen.

LORELAI: Yeah, me either.


[The three of them standing in front of the door]

LORELAI: [sighs] Iíve gotta see my parents.

CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] Iíve gotta see my parents.

RORY: Ladies and gentlemen, the drama king and queen of Connecticut. [They enter using a key]

LORELAI: Hello? Anybody home?

GRANDMA: Oh my God! Youíre here. Christopher, look at you!

CHRISTOPHER: Emily, as always perfect.

GRANDMA: I am so glad to see you, I didnít hear the doorbell.

LORELAI: We didnít ring the doorbell.

GRANDMA: You let yourselves in?

LORELAI: Itís ok mom, look, not a rapist among us.

RORY: Hi Grandma.

GRANDMA: You usually knock.

LORELAI: Not since you gave us a key.

GRANDMA: That is for emergencies.

LORELAI: Well mom, Iím starving to death. Is that enough of an emergency for you?

GRANDMA: Well, Richardís in the living room, come on in. Heís dying to see you.

LORELAI: [whispers to Chris] Itís a setup giving me that key. Itís a key, it meant to be used, itís my parents house. Shut up.


GRANDPA: Well here they are.

RORY: Hi Grandpa.

GRANDPA: Hello Rory. Lorelai. Christopher old boy how are you? My gosh itís good to see you!

CHRISTOPHER: How are you Richard?

GRANDPA: Well Iím better than most, not as good as some.

CHRISTOPHER: And annoyed with all.

GRANDPA: Aha! You speak the truth young man! I have made martiniís. So Christopher, tell me about your business.

GRANDMA: Oh Richard, let the poor boy relax.

GRANDPA: Well I simply want to find out how itís going.

CHRISTOPHER: Itís uh - itís going great Richard. Iím almost afraid to jinx it by telling you good itís going.

GRANDPA: Oh, that is wonderful. I always knew you had it in you. You have a splash of greatness as my mother would say. Youíve always had that splash of greatness.

LORELAI: Mm. Iíd like another splash of greatness if you donít mind.[getting another martini]

GRANDMA: Oh Richard. Isnít Rory the spitting image of Christopher?

GRANDPA: I just hope you inherit your fatherís business sense also my dear.

GRANDMA: I know one thing for sure- you certainly have your fatherís musical talent.

LORELAI: Oh, wait just a minute.


LORELAI: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.

CHRISTOPHER: Hey, I play guitar.

LORELAI: You know the opening lick to ĎSmoke on the Waterí.

CHRISTOPHER: And Iíve since mastered the opening like to ĎJumping Jack Flashí.

GRANDPA: Iím aÖChuck Berry man myself. [Lorelai laughs almost spitting out her drink] Something wrong?

LORELAI: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.

GRANDPA: And why not?

LORELAI: Chuck Berry?

GRANDPA: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.

LORELAI: So weíre talking pre-ĎMy-ding-alingí?

GRANDPA: I believe I am.

GRANDMA: Do you remember when you two were what - ten and you put on that adorable show for us.

LORELAI: What show mom?

CHRISTOPHER: Lucy, Schroeder, you laying on the coffee table.

LORELAI: You pretending it was a piano. God, why is that remembered?

GRANDMA: Because it was such a wonderful production.

LORELAI: I donít know if it was a production mom. It was just one song.

CHRISTOPHER: ĎSuppertimeí.

GRANDMA: Did you write that? That was really very good.

LORELAI: Dad, thatís from ĎYouíre a good man Charlie Browní Itís a famous musical.

GRANDPA: Well I thought Christopher might have written it, heís a very talented man.


GRANDMA: That would be Straub and Francine. [leaves to answer the door]

LORELAI: [whispers to Rory] Ha, ha your turn.

GRANDPA: I havenít seen your parents in quite a number of years. We were practically inseparable for a while. [leaves]

CHRISTOPHER: I remember that.

RORY: This is weird. These are my other grandparents. I donít even know them. What do I call them?

CHRISTOPHER: Callíem what I callíem - ass-


CHRISTOPHER: Sorry, my tieís too tight.

LORELAI: Just, uh, call them Straub and Francine. Call them Mr and Mrs Hayden. Sir and Maíam? Why donít you just avoid calling them anything.

GRANDPA: Look whoís herre.

CHRISTOPHER: Hello mother, pop.

STRAUB: Christopher.

FRANCINE: Christopher, hello.

LORELAI: Mr and Mrs Hayden, long time no see.

FRANCINE: Lorelai. You look well.

LORELAI: I am thanks. You remember Rory. You havenít seen her in quite a while.

STRAUB: No we havenít.

FRANCINE: I think she was just beginning to speak in complete sentences.

LORELAI: So not for two years then. [Haydenís look at her] Sheís obviously been talking a long time so I was making a humorous comment sometimes referred to as a Ďjokeí.

STRAUB: I see you havenít changed Lorelai.

LORELAI: No, not at all.

FRANCINE: Rory, hello.

RORY: Hi. [she curtsyís]

LORELAI: [whispers] Did you just curtsy?

RORY: [whispers] Shut up.

LORELAI: [whispers] Sorry, milady.

GRANDPA: Uh, Straub, Francine, how about a martini?

STRAUB: Please.

GRANDPA: Well Straub, how is retirement treating you?

GRANDMA: Yes do tell us about the Bahamas.

STRAUB: You can get an entire island there for the cost of a decent house here.

GRANDPA: Really?

STRAUB: How about you Richard, any thoughts of retirement crossing your mind?

GRANDMA: Oh Straub, if only you could talk him into it. Iíve given up.

GRANDPA: Weíre very pleased about Christopherís business success out in California.

STRAUB: Yes, itís taken a while but it seems to be finally coming together. Seems to be.

FRANCINE: Christopher your tie, please.

RORY: [clears her throat]Straub and Fran - [clears her throat] Mr. and Mrs. umÖare you enjoying your time here, umÖyouÖtwo?

CHRISTOPHER: [to Lorelai] That she got from you.

STRAUB: How old are you young lady?

RORY: 16.

STRAUB: Dangerous age for girls [Lorelai looks at him]


GRANDMA: Rory is a very special child - excellent student, very bright.

GRANDPA: You should have a talk with her Straub, she could give you a run for your money.

STRAUB: Is that so?

GRANDMA: Thatís right.

[Straub looks at Rory, Rory looks uncomfortable unsure what to do]

STRAUB: Well I think my moneyís safe.

LORELAI: I hate president Bush.




LORELAI: Heís stupid and his face is too tiny for his head and I just want to toss him out.

STRAUB: That is the leader of our country young lady.

GRANDPA: Ignore her.

FRANCINE: His face is too tiny for his head, what kind of thing is that to say?

STRAUB: I see your daughter is just as out of control as ever.

CHRISTOPHER: Pop please. Letís try and keep it civil.

STRAUB: Tell me Lorelai, what have you been doing with your life anyway, besides hating successful businessmen. Iím just curious.

GRANDMA: Why donít we all go into the dining room?

LORELAI: Well uh, Straub, I run an inn near Stars Hollow.

STRAUB: Really?

LORELAI: Yes really.

CHRISTOPHER: Dad come on.

STRAUB: Nice to see you found your calling.

GRANDMA: Dinner is ready.

FRANCINE: Christopher your tie.

CHRISTOPHER: Mom please.

STRAUB: And is your life everything you hoped it would be?

LORELAI: Yes it is.

STRAUB: Because it seems to me you might not want to take such a haughty tone when you announce to the world that you work in a hotel.

LORELAI: Well thereís nothing wrong with where I work.

FRANCINE: Straub please. Iím getting a headache.

GRANDMA: Come on Richard, lead us into the dining room, now.

STRAUB: If you had attended a university as your parents had planned and as we planned in vain for Christopher, you might have aspired to something more than a blue collared position.

CHRISTOPHER: Donít do this.

STRAUB: And I wouldnít give a damn about you derailing your life if you hadnít swept my son along with you.

LORELAI: [to Rory] Honey go into the next room. Go, go.

GRANDPA: Iím going to have to echo Christopherís call for civility here. A mutual mistake was make many years ago by these two, but they have come a long way since.

STRAUB: A mutual mistake Richard? This whole evening is ridiculous. Weíre supposed to sit here like one big happy family and pretend that the damage that was done is over, gone? I donít care about how good a student you say that girl isÖ


STRAUB: Our son was bound for Princeton. Every Hayden male attended Princeton including myself, but it all stopped with Christopher. Itís a humiliation weíve had to live with every day, all because you seduced him into ruining his life. She had that baby and ended his future.

GRANDPA: [grabbing Straubís arm] You recant that Straub!

STRAUB: Youíre spilling my drink.

GRANDPA: You owe my daughter an apology.

STRAUB: An apology, thatís rich.

GRANDPA: How dare you?! [grabbing Straub] How dare you?!

GRANDMA: Richard what are you doing?

GRANDPA: How dare you come into my house and insult my daughter!

STRAUB: Let go of me!

CHRISTOPHER: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? [putting himself between them]

GRANDPA: Shame on you Straub, shame on you for opening all this up again.

STRAUB: Get your purse Francine.

GRANDPA: My daughter is very successful at what she does.

STRAUB: Weíre leaving.

GRANDPA: Youíre not leaving. Iím kicking you out. [All four leave the room. Lorelai and Christopher and standing in the middle]

CHRISTOPHER: And you brought up Bush because?

LORELAI: It seemed like a good idea at the time. Wow.


LORELAI: I feelÖ16.

[Pan to study. Richard sitting reading. Lorelai enters]

LORELAI: Dad? DadÖcan I get you something to eat?

GRANDPA: Iím not hungry.

LORELAI: Ok. Well look, thank you.

GRANDPA: Thank me? For what? [Lorelai turns back.]

LORELAI: Well for what you did in there. IímÖIím just unbelievably touched and grateful for what you said to him, for defending me like that. I know it was hard for you because, wellÖbut thank you. [starts to leave]

GRANDPA: Why do you think I did it? [Lorelai turns back.]


GRANDPA: Why do you think I did it?

LORELAI: I donít know. Um, out of protectiveness I guess.

GRANDPA: You donít need to be protected Lorelai. Youíve made it very clear that you can look after yourself and that you need nothing from anyone.

LORELAI: Mm. Thatís notÖ

GRANDPA: A member of my family was being attacked. The very Gilmore name was being attacked. I will not stand for that not under any circumstances.

LORELAI: Ok, well it doesnít really matter why you did it.

GRANDPA: Yes it does matter why I did it! It matters greatly! Lorelai what are you going to take away from this? That everything that happened in the past is suddenly fine because I defended you?


GRANDMA: That the hell that you put your mother and I through for the past 16 years is suddenly washed away? Well itís not.

LORELAI: Weíve all been through hell dad.

GRANDPA: I had to tell my friends, my colleagues, that my only daughter, the brightest in her class, was pregnant and was leaving school.

LORELAI: That must have been devastating.

GRANDPA: And then you run away and treat us like lepers. Your mother couldnít get out of bed for a month. Did you know that? Did you?


GRANDPA: We did nothing to deserve that. Nothing to earn that!

LORELAI: I get it. Iím horrible. So why donít you disown me and adopt Christopher, you love him.

GRANDPA: Donít be a martyr Lorelai. And donít be naÔve. Do you think I love the boy who got my daughter pregnant? I wanted to kill him! I would have too with my bare hands. But thereís a proper procedure to be followed in a situation like this.

LORELAI: Marriage.

GRANDPA: Christopher was willing to follow the procedure we laid out, you werenít.

LORELAI: What about what I wanted Dad? Didnít that matter to you at all?

GRANDPA: Sometimes one has to sacrifice something in order to do what is right.

LORELAI: I feel indescribably sad for you right now, dad.

GRANDPA: Well save your emotions Lorelai. Iíve had my fill of them tonight.

LORELAI: So, um, we just end it here. NothingÖresolved?

GRANDPA: Iím tired.

LORELAI: Ok. Ok [leaves]

[Pan to kitchen]

GRANDMA: There you are. I was wondering where you went.

RORY: Iím sorry.

GRANDMA: No, itís nothing to be sorry about. Can I get you something?

RORY: [holding up a pop can] Iím fine.

GRANDMA: Oh thatís hardly dinner. Well that was quite a bit of excitement tonight.

RORY: Oh yeah.

GRANDMA: Not the good kind.

RORY: Nope.

GRANDMA: None of this means anything Rory.

RORY: Oh I know.

GRANDMA: Straub is actually a good man. Very smart. He was one of the top lawyers in his field - a very arcane aspect of International law. And heís always been so active in his community. His charity work has never diminished over the years. Oh letís face it - heís a big ass. [Rory laughs] Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening and I know youíve heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear - you, young lady, your person and your existance have never ever been - not even for a second -included in that list. Do you understand me?

RORY: Yeah, I do.

GRANDMA: Good now eat up. [hands her a plate of leftovers]

[Pan to balcony outside Lorelaiís old room. Lorelai sitting crying.]

CHRISTOPHER: You look great [coming out onto the balcony.]

LORELAI: Yeah, well, I look the way I feel wiseguy.

CHRISTOPHER: That wasÖthat was a memorable evening.

LORELAI: Oh yes, it was beautiful in there. We should commemorate it with an oil painting or a severed head or something.

CHRISTOPHER: Next time we get this group together weíre gonna have to frisk for weapons.

LORELAI: Hand out gags.

CHRISTOPHER: Employ six individual cones of silence [Lorelai laughs] Boy the old balcony is still the same isnít it?

LORELAI: In all itís beautiful away-from-them-ness.

CHRISTOPHER: Perfect hide-out - totally private. We spent a lot of time out here.

LORELAI: Sneaking dadís telescope, scanning the sky for alien ships.

CHRISTOPHER: Never found any.

LORELAI: Huh. And then when we were older, scanning the neighbors houses for naked people.

CHRISTOPHER: [laughing] Found a couple of those.

LORELAI: [laughing] Mrs. Dominski undulating in her big fat underalls is forever carved into my brain.

CHRISTOPHER: [laughing] And in mine. [takes out a tequila bottle] hereís to Mrs. Dominskiís underalls.

LORELAI: Aw, youíre holding out on me.

CHRISTOPHER: [takes a drink] Take it. And in an effort to further chronicle this balconyís history, we are now in the immediate vicinity of the spot upon which was Roryís initial eminations.

LORELAI: Yes we are. Hereís to Rory. [takes a drink]

CHRISTOPHER: The bright spot in all the darkness.

LORELAI: And now.

CHRISTOPHER: You know even if you hadnít gotten pregnant and everything had gone as planned, I still never would have make it through Princeton.

LORELAI: Oh I donít believe that.

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well thatís why youíre you and Iím not. [Pan to Lukeís where Luke is waiting for Lorelai. He gives up and goes inside. Pan back to the balcony where Christopher and Lorelai are kissing as they take off each otherís clothes. Pan to them putting back on their clothes.]

LORELAI: Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

CHRISTOPHER: You wigged?

LORELAI: Yeah, yeah Iím a little wigged.


LORELAI: Why? Are you kidding me? Chris this is the next to last thing I thought would ever happen tonight. The last thing being a holy saint guy riding down on a flaming chariot from heaven to announce Armageddon.

CHRISTOPHER: And Hartford is the place he chooses to make his announcement? I donít think so.

LORELAI: Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER: Ok, yes, it was unexpected but it was great.

LORELAI: Oh God! Oh I canít believe this.

CHRISTOPHER: Ok fine. You know what? We should go.

LORELAI: Yeah we should go like 30 minutes ago.

CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] Iím sorry.

LORELAI: Oh donít apologize. It was the both of us. [they leave] God my parents have got to seal these windows up I swear to God.


RORY: So where were you guys?

LORELAI: Nowhere.

RORY: Whereís nowhere?

CHRISTOPHER: Where we were.

LORELAI: Mm-hmm.




RORY: Good night dad. [he gives her a kiss]

CHRISTOPHER: Good night Lor.

LORELAI: Good night, yeah, uh, have a really, really good night. [he heads for the couch]

RORY: You got some dirt or some schmuts on your -


RORY: Where did you -

LORELAI: I donít - itís been a long night so um, thereís just been a lot of schmutsing going on.


LORELAI: Come on [directing her to the kitchen] We havenít really had a chance to talk.

RORY: About the schmutsing?

LORELAI: [sighs] No, about all the warm and fuzzy family moments that went on tonight. Are you ok?

RORY: Yeah.

LORELAI: You know all those crazy people saying those horrible things were directing them at me not you.

RORY: They were directing them to you because you had me.

LORELAI: No, they were directing them at me because I screwed up their big ĎCitizen Kaneí plans. Thatís all.

RORY: They donít even want to know me do they?

LORELAI: That is not true. They are just so full of anger and stupid pride that stands in the way of them realizing how much they want to know you.

RORY: Yeah.

LORELAI: Their loss and itís a pretty big one.

RORY: Iím going to bed now.

LORELAI: Hey. No regrets - from me or your dad.

RORY: Yeah?

LORELAI: Oh, I mean no regrets about you. Thereís a misspelled tattoo incident that Iím sure heíd like to erase from his bio - but you thatís a no brainer.

RORY: Where does dad have a misspelled tattoo?

LORELAI: Ah, ah, another story for another time, possibly before your first trip to Mazatlan. Good night babe.

RORY: Good night mom.

LORELAI: [walks by a mirror and looks at herself] Ugh. [Pan to morning. Lorelai awake in bed]

LORELAI: [gasps] Oh no! Aah!


[Lorelai waiting in pjís on the front stoop]

LORELAI: I feel horrible.

LUKE: Donít.

LORELAI: I stood you up and I didnít even call.

LUKE: Itís ok.

LORELAI: Iím a rat. We had a date and I stood you up.

LUKE: It wasnít a date, it was just a paint.

LORELAI: Iím a rat, I need cheese.

LUKE: Forget it.

LORELAI: Hey, hey, letís reschedule.

LUKE: You know, I really didnít even want to do it in the first place.

LORELAI: No, no come on, donít change your mind. We could do it tonight or - or right now.

LUKE: Was it an emergency?

LORELAI: Yes. You would not believe what happened. I slipped and I busted my - it wasnít an emergency. It was just me being a rat.

LUKE: Something came up?


LUKE: SomethingÖsomeone.


LUKE: Am I right?

LORELAI: Iím sorry.

LUKE: Yeah, ok. Well Iím late.



[Christopher making coffee as Lorelai comes in.]

CHRISTOPHER: Where were you?

LORELAI: Fruitlessly trying to rectify a ratty transgression.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh. You want some coffee?




CHRISTOPHER: Well I know you well enough to know that when you say no to coffee, especially in the morning, all is not right in Whoville.

LORELAI: Very astute.

CHRISTOPHER: SoÖlast night.

LORELAI: Ah, last night was Chernobyl and the Hindenburg combined.

CHRISTOPHER: Right, just checking.

LORELAI: My father almost hit someone. My father has probably only hit another man in college wearing boxing gloves and one of those Fred Mertz golden gloves pullover sweaters.


LORELAI: ĎI Love Lucyí - Fred Mertz.

CHRISTOPHER: Landlord to Ricki, husband to Ethel, I know. Itís just a weird reference.

LORELAI: Hello, pajamas.

CHRISTOPHER: Right. Continue.

LORELAI: My father had a meltdown, first with your fatherÖ

CHRISTOPHER: He was asking for it.

LORELAI: Öand then with me. And then you and me - oh boy.

CHRISTOPHER: Donít say it like that.

LORELAI: Stupid. Dumb.

CHRISTOPHER: Much better.

LORELAI: And to top off the whole fabulous fiasco, I stood up a friend of mine, who was counting on me and, and he just stood there looking hurt with the paint and the chairs and it hurt me. And itís not your fault but in this parade of stupid and dumb, I am the one twirling the flaming baton.



CHRISTOPHER: I want to marry you.

LORELAI: And the hits just keep on coming.

CHRISTOPHER: Just think about it. Think about it before you make a rash -

LORELAI: You are out of your mind. You are completely insane. You have flipped you lid. Charlie Manson is freaked out by you right now!

CHRISTOPHER: Come on, weíre already a family.

LORELAI: Who? Who is a family?!

CHRISTOPHER: Us! You, me and Rory!

LORELAI: You donít even know what a family is.

CHRISTOPHER: Itís people living together.

LORELAI: No. Itís a big commitment, itís responsibility, itís hard work. Itís coming home at the same time to the same place every day.

CHRISTOPHER: Ok, so what do you want, financial statements? I can be a family man, Iím responsible.

LORELAI: Honey, you canít even buy a book without having your credit card declined.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh man, I told Rory not to rat me out. I canít believe she did that.

LORELAI: She didnít. Andrew from the bookstore called and Jackson and the UPS guy and ooh it was the lead story on the Stars Hollow web page. And then I asked Rory and she very reluctantly confirmed it. ĎRat me outí what are you - 16?


LORELAI: And what are you doing telling my daughter to lie to me anyway?

CHRISTOPHER: Sheís my daughter too.

LORELAI: More like your playmate.

CHRISTOPHER: You know I donít deserve that, Iím as mature as you.

LORELAI: What? The offspring is your favorite band.

CHRISTOPHER: So? Youíre into Metallica.

LORELAI: Well Metallica is way more substantial than The Offspring.

CHRISTOPHER: Here we go, itís the same Black Sabbath riff all over again.

LORELAI: Oh! The Offspring have like one chord compression. They use it over and over. They just popped on new words and called it a single and I donít want to talk about this anymore!

CHRISTOPHER: Look, Iím the immature one, Iím the irresponsible one, Iím was the one who was willing to get married when you got pregnant.

LORELAI: We were too young, we wouldnít have made it, you know that.

CHRISTOPHER: Well weíre not too young now.

LORELAI: Ok. Now I need some coffee.

CHRISTOPHER: What about last night. What did our having sex mean to you?

LORELAI: [sighs] It meant that Jose Cuervo still has amazing magical powers.

CHRISTOPHER: Youíre funny.

LORELAI: We canít get married Christopher. We donít know each other as adults.

CHRISTOPHER: So letís get married and get to know each other as adults.

LORELAI: Well, thatís very Fiddler on the Roof of you.

CHRISTOPHER: Ok, fine. Letís get to know each other right now. What do you want to know?

LORELAI: How is your business really doing? [Christopher sighs]


LORELAI: I knew it.

CHRISTOPHER: Look, I was going to tell you if it didnít pick up soon. I swear.

LORELAI: And you just sat there last night, just smiling and nodding while my dad and your dad went on and on about Christopher and his great big business success in California.

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I didnít want to upset anybody. I wanted last night to be nice.

LORELAI: Oh well it was.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh and it would have been much better if I had announced at the table ĎHey on top of everything else youíre upset about, I just wanted to add that Iím the biggest loser in the worldí. Would that have been festive?

LORELAI: Youíre not a loser.


LORELAI: Youíre a liar but not a loser.


LORELAI: Youíre welcome.

CHRISTOPHER: Come on ,weíre arguing like an old married couple. Doesnít that show potential?

LORELAI: Oh Christopher, I swear to GodÖ

CHRISTOPHER: Iíve been looking for the one Lor, that elusive soul mate - I really have, I just believe itís you, itís always been you.

LORELAI: Chris come on.

CHRISTOPHER: Rory might be my only child.

LORELAI: Thatís not true. If Tony Randall can crank one out in his seventies you have decades left to spawn.

CHRISTOPHER: No. I donít know how much I miss Rory until I see her like this. ItísÖitís easier staying away.

LORELAI: No. Donít stay away. Donít. Rory needs her dad.

CHRISTOPHER: Or her pal right?

LORELAI: I think sheíd take a combo.

[Pan to outside house, Christopher loading up bike]

RORY: So call us when you get home.


RORY: And call more.

CHRISTOPHER: I will. [they hug] See ya. [ he whispers something in her ear]

RORY: [to Lorelai] Dad wants to know if youíll reconsider.

[Lorelai calls Rory over and whispers in her ear]

RORY: She says ĎNope. Offspring sucks and Metallica rules.í

CHRISTOPHER: Fair enough. [He kisses and hugs Lorelai]

LORELAI: Drive safe. [He leaves]

RORY: He wanted you to marry him didnít he?


RORY: You know crazier things have happened.

LORELAI: You mean crazier than having your mom and dad married?

RORY: Yes.

LORELAI: I donít think they have.

RORY: What? Why is that so crazy?

LORELAI: Because it is. Because he wants things he is not ready for.

RORY: How do you know?

LORELAI: I know. I know him so well. You have no idea.

RORY: Maybe he can change.


RORY: Maybe itís different. He did come here this time, heís never done that before.

LORELAI: Hey, stop.

RORY: Why?

LORELAI: Because I donít want you to get yourself all worked up over this.

RORY: He loves you.

LORELAI: He does love me.

RORY: Do you love him?

LORELAI: Honey come on.

RORY: Answer me.

LORELAI: Honestly?

RORY: Yes.

LORELAI: I will probably always love him.

RORY: Ok so?

LORELAI: But that doesnít change the fact that he still has a long way to go before he is ready to take us on full time. I mean you are a handful missy. And while I am pure joy and sunshine every waking hour, I still have my own set of needs that - that must be met. It just wasnít right babe. You have to trust me on that. Mm? Talk please.

RORY: I still think there was a little something different.

LORELAI: Maybe youíre right.

RORY: Really?

LORELAI: It would be nice.

RORY: Yeah it would

LORELAI: Iíll tell you what, uh, letís not put all the blankets away just yet.

RORY: Really?

LORELAI: You never know.


LUKE: What the -

LORELAI: Taa-daa!

LUKE: Howíd you get in here?

LORELAI: Youíre bread guy let me in.

LUKE: Iím switching bread guys.

LORELAI: What do you think?

LUKE: I think you shouldnít break and enter.

LORELAI: So what do you think?

LUKE: Well I gotta admit - it looks pretty good.

LORELAI: Oh, I knew youíd like it.

LUKE: Thanks.

LORELAI: Anytime. Itís fun.

LUKE: So, uh, whereís the guy?

LORELAI: Oh heís gone.

LUKE: Oh, too bad.

LORELAI: Weíll be fine. Luke?

LUKE: Yeah?

LORELAI: Um, can I make one more suggestion?


LORELAI: Curtains?


LORELAI: Manly curtains.

LUKE: Oxymoron.

LORELAI: What did you call me?

LUKE: No curtains.

LORELAI: Aw come on. You gotta give a little. How about a tablecloth?

LUKE: No. We donít do table cloths here.

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