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Transcript: That Damn Donna Reed ...

Written by: Daniel Palladino and Amy Sherman-Palladino
Directed by: Michael Katleman


[Dean enters]

DEAN: Hello?

LORELAI: Do you come bearing pizza?

DEAN: Iím not an idiot.

LORELAI: Then get in here. [He enters living room]

RORY: Hey.

DEAN: Hey.

LORELAI: Sit. Youíre missing it.

DEAN: What are we watching?

LORELAI: The incomparable ĎDonna Reedí show.

RORY: Whatís in there? [pointing to a bag]

DEAN: Uh, a salad.

RORY: A salad?

DEAN: Yeah, itís a quaint dish sometimes used to proceed large quantities of pizza. [Rory and Lorelai look at him] ItísÖfor me.

RORY: Clearly.

DEAN: So whoís Donna Reed.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: You donít know who Donna Reed is? The quintessential 50ís mom with the perfect 50ís family?

RORY: Never without a smile and high heels?

LORELAI: Hair that, if you hit it with a hammer, it would crack?

DEAN: SoÖitís a show?

RORY: Itís a lifestyle.

LORELAI: Itís a religion.

RORY: My favorite episodeÖ

LORELAI: Mm-mm - tell me, tell me.

RORY: Is when their son, Jeff comes home from school and nothing happens.

LORELAI: Oh, thatís a good one. One of my favorites is when Mary, the daughter, gets a part-time job and nothing happens.

RORY: Another classic.

DEAN: So whatís this one about?

LORELAI: Ah, this one is actually quite filled with intrigue. The husband, Alex, comes home late for dinner and he didnít call.

RORY: Might as well kick the dog too.

LORELAI: Oh, oh look - sheís making donuts.

[On tv]

DONNA REED: ĎÖbehind in the sugar department.í

SON: ĎI guess I was thinking of something else mom.í

LORELAI: ĎNot that my sugary attitude wouldnít make anyone an instant diabetic.í

RORY: Mother/daughter window washing - we should try that.

LORELAI: Yeah, right after mother/daughter shock treatments. [imitating dialogue] ĎYou know daughter, thereís nothing more satisfying than washing windows - oh no.í

RORY: ĎWhat? Did I miss a spot?í

LORELAI: ĎNo, I just had an impure thought about your father, Alex. Funny - I donít know why I had it. Itís the 2nd Saturday of the month.í

RORY: [deep voice] ĎHey, I heard you had an impure thought about me.í

LORELAI: ĎI must now sublimate all my impure thoughts by going into the kitchen and making an endless string of perfect casseroles.í

DEAN: Youíre not even listening to the dialogue.

RORY: Ours is better.

DEAN: I donít know, it all seems kind of nice to me.

RORY: What does?

DEAN: Well you know, families hanging together, I mean, a wife cooking dinner for her husband. And look, she looks really happy.

LORELAI: Sheís medicated.

RORY: And acting from a script.

LORELAI: Written by a man.

RORY: Well said sister suffragist.

DEAN: What if she likes making donuts and dinner for her family and keeping things nice for them andÖ[seeing Lorelai and Rory staring at him] Ok, I feel very unpopular right now.

DONNA REED: You know dear, the first 10 years we were married, I was upset when you came home late for dinner.

ALEX: And youíre not anymore?

DONNA REED: No. You are no longer late for dinner, you are just extremely early for breakfast.

[Rory and Lorelai look at Dean]

DEAN: Hey Iím not saying a word.


RORY: Can brainís hurt?

LORELAI: Yes - itís hypochondria hour.

RORY: No Iím serious, last night when I was reading my biology chapters I distinctly heard a Ďpingí in the vicinity of my brain.

LORELAI: Your brain pinged?

RORY: Yeah, it just went like Ďdinkí.

LORELAI: Well then honey your brain dinked, it didnít ping.

RORY: Well I donít think that a dinking brain is any less worrisome than a pinging brain.

LORELAI: You got me there.

RORY: So should I go to a tumor doctor?

LORELAI: No, you donít have a tumor, youíre just reading too much, youíre probably just losing your eyesight.

RORY: Thank you.

LORELAI: Youíre welcome. [Luke comes up to them] Hi, can you take a little constructive criticism?


LORELAI: Ok, this place could use a makeover. Yeah it needs a spruce up, like a coat of paint.

LUKE: I donít spruce.

LORELAI: What do you mean Ďyou donít spruceí?

TAYLOR: What he means is he wonít spruce - thatís what he means.

LUKE: Taylor do not start.

TAYLOR: Me and the rest of the town beautification committee have been hounding him for years to freshen up the place - maybe a couple of nice zinnia pots out front, some yellow awnings, a peppy little cardboard pig announcing the specials, but heís a mule. He wonít talk, he wonít reason, he wonít spruce. You might as well forget it Lorelai, Iím forgetting it too.

LUKE: Finally a Taylor Dosey position I can get behind.

TAYLOR: Faded paint is a bad reflection on the whole town.

LUKE: Whatever happened to giving up?

TAYLOR: When standards slip families flee and in comes the seedy crowd. Youíve got trouble my friend.

LORELAI: Right here in River City.

TAYLOR: This is not funny Lorelai.

LUKE: Does anyone want anything?

LORELAI: Uh, yes I do. I want to know why you wonít paint this place?

LUKE: Paintingís a pain. Iíd have to close the place for a day, which I canít afford, or paint it in the middle of the night which I donít want to because I hate painting.

LORELAI: Ok, how about this? Iíll help you because I love to paint.

LUKE: You do?

LORELAI: Yes I do.

LUKE: You love it?

LORELAI: I want to marry it.

LUKE: You have strange passions.

RORY: She likes washing dishes too. Sheís multifaceted abnormal.

LORELAI: Ah come on, weíll drink a couple of beers and weíll sing some painting songs.

LUKE: Painting songs?

LORELAI: Yeah painting songs like, umÖyou know the songs that goes, umÖíGrab your brush and grab your rollers, all you kids and all you bowlers, weíre going paintiní todayí. Say yes or thereís another verse.

LUKE: Well I guess maybe ifÖI had help.

TAYLOR: Really? Oh my God thatís wonderful! Hurrah!

LUKE: Taylor, itís not for you, itís for me.

TAYLOR: I canít wait to tell the rest of the committee. Theyíre not going to believe this.

LUKE: I hate that heís pleased.

LORELAI: Ah, youíll drop a gum wrapper on the street in front of his store later.

LUKE: Yeah good idea.


LORELAI: Mm. Kick-ass wine.

GRANDMA: How poetic.

LORELAI: Itís got a nice smell - earthy, vibrant, you can taste the italian feet.

GRANDPA: Well itís a Bordeaux. It French.

LORELAI: Huh. Whatís an italianís foot doing in a french wine?

RORY: So when do you guys leave for Marthaís Vineyard?

GRANDMA: Ah, weíre not going to Marthaís Vineyard this year.

RORY: Really, why not?

GRANDPA: Our usual rental wasnít available when we inquired - late.

GRANDMA: We shouldíve just bought a place years ago like I wanted.

GRANDPA: It wouldnít have been prudent.

GRANDMA: Now we have no place to go next week.

RORY: Well you guys could always go somewhere else couldnít you?

GRANDPA: Well we always go to the vineyard at this time of year.

LORELAI: You know you could always break the chain Dad. Go to Paris.

RORY: Yes, Paris!

LORELAI: Impressionists, poodles.

RORY: CrŤme Brule.

LORELAI: Oh thatís great.

GRANDPA: Impossible.

LORELAI: Pourquoi? French. GRANDMA: We always go to Europe in the fall.

LORELAI: You know mom, I heard a rumour - Europe is still there in the spring.

RORY: I heard that too.

GRANDMA: We know that itís there in the spring but we never go in the spring because we always go in the fall.

LORELAI: Itís getting a little too Lewis Carol for me.

GRANDPA: What is so interesting about Europe in the spring?

LORELAI: Spring vegetables.

GRANDMA: You want us to go to Europe to eat a vegetable?

LORELAI: No mom, I donít know, thereís all kinds of stuff. Thereís festivals and you know - Europe.

GRANDMA: In the fall.

GRANDPA: It costs a fortune to travel first class in Europe. We only do it every two years.

GRANDMA: In the fall.

GRANDPA: Itís just not in the budget this year.

LORELAI: You donít have to fly first class[Grandma and Grandpa stare at her in disbelief]Öcause thereís always coach, or business class is slightly less, thereís deals on the internet. Hmm. Pass the potatoes.

RORY: You got it.


RORY: Catherine the Great - 1729 to í96, empress of Russia from 1762 to í96.

LORELAI: Ok hold still please [trying to sew on a button]

RORY: Originally named Sophie Friedericke Augustine Van Anhalt-Zerbst.

LORELAI: But everybody called her Ďkittení.

RORY: Married to Grand Duke Peter of Holstein in 1754.

LORELAI: Ok, Rory, seriously -

RORY: The marriage was an unhappy one.

LORELAI: Well there were too many names. Ow! Latest note card, look at lady with the needle and try to focus for one second so that I can sew the button on your sweater and not on my thumb.

RORY: Iím sorry. [knocking at the door] Iíll get it.



LORELAI: No. Youíre 4 years old.

BABETTE: Oh hiya baby doll.

RORY: Hi Babette.

LORELAI: Hey. Do you want some coffee?

BABETTE: Oh no thanks. I just came over to ask a great big favour.

LORELAI: Ask away. [as she pours coffee for Babette]

BABETTE: Well see Morey just got a call to play a gig at the Village Vanguard tonight so we gotta go to New York.

LORELAI: Oh wow - cream?

BABETTE: And sugar, thanks. Anyway, yesterday Morey and I finally broke down and got ourselves a new baby you know.

LORELAI: Oh honey, you got a kitten, good for you!

RORY: Whatís itís name?

BABETTE: Apricot. Oh heís just the cutest thing! But heís so teeny, thereís no way he can got with us and I would hate for him to stay all alone in the house. So I was thinking maybe Rory could come over and housesit for the evening?

RORY: Iíd love to.

BABETTE: Oh great! Weíve got a kitchen full of food and Morey just got cable so you can watch those four girls talking dirty if you want to. RORY: Sounds good.

BABETTE: Youíre an angel, both of you, angels! You have a key right?

LORELAI: Yup, we got it covered.

BABETTE: Oh great. Alright, Iíll leave you the number of where weíre staying, have a good time, weíll be back tomorrow morning. I love you crazy girls!



LORELAI: Wow, I canít believe how fast you jumped at the chance to spend the night away from me.

RORY: Youíre crazy. Iím doing her a favour.

LORELAI: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, sure you are.

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: No, no, thatís ok. Donít you worry about me, Iíll be just fine.

RORY: Iíd like to debate you on that last subject but Iím late for the bus.

LORELAI: You know this is only like the second night weíve ever spent apart. Doesnít that make you sad?

RORY: Yeah, but Iíll get over it.

LORELAI: Uh-huh. Well Paul and Linda McCartney only spent 11 nights apart their entire relationship! Did you know that?

RORY: I did not know that.

LORELAI: Well they were truly devoted to each other. Just the being apart was too painful to even talk about.

RORY: I understand.

LORELAI: I donít think that Linda wouldíve even considered cat-sitting without Paul.

RORY: You know mom, when I go off to college, Iím gonna be gone every night. What will you do then?

LORELAI: Well I will go with you. I will sleep on the floor in your dorm next your bed.

RORY: Well at least youíve got a plan.

LORELAI: Yes. Um, perhaps youíd like to take a picture of me with you tonight. You know, in case you get lonely you can talk to it.

RORY: Bye.


[Dean waiting for Rory.]

DEAN: Carry your bird miss?

RORY: Hi! I didnít expect to see you here.

DEAN: Just wanted to say hello. [he kisses her]

RORY: Hello.

DEAN: Hello. [he kisses her again]

RORY: Hello.

DEAN: So, whoís your friend?

RORY: Homework.

DEAN: Really?

RORY: We will be cohabitating for the next month so I can examine itís every move. Jealous?

DEAN: Iíll get over it.

RORY: So hey, Iím house sitting tonight for Babette and I was thinking maybe if the right offer came along I might be up to some company.

DEAN: Well Iím offering.

RORY: Iím accepting.

DEAN: Good.

RORY: Do you wanna get some coffee?

DEAN: I canít, I have to get to work.

RORY: I thought you go to work at 5:00.

DEAN: No 4:00 on Thursdays. For some reason Thursdays are really busy - lots of oppressed house wives shopping for their husbandís dinner.

RORY: Wow.

DEAN: What?

RORY: That was a little pointed.

DEAN: What are you talking about?

RORY: That crack about the housewives shopping for their husbandís dinner.

DEAN: Oh come on, it was a joke.

RORY: Yeah, well it was a pretty weird joke to hear coming out of your mouth.

DEAN: You are so sensitive about the whole Donna Reed thing.

RORY: Iím not sensitive about it, I just find it ridiculous.

DEAN: Why?

RORY: What do you mean why?

DEAN: Well so she cooked a lot.

RORY: A lot? She made homemade donuts, chocolate cake, a lamp chop-mashed potato dinner and enough stew to feed Cambodia in one episode.

DEAN: So what?

RORY: You really like that concept donít you?

DEAN: NoÖwell yeah sort of.

RORY: Oh my God!

DEAN: I mean itís a little over the top but the general idea of a wife cooking dinner for her husband and family, thatís nice. Why is that not nice?

RORY: Itís not just that. Itís - itís the having to have the dinner on the table as soon as her husband gets home and having to look perfect to do housework and the whole concept that her one point in life is to server somebody else.

DEAN: Fine, yes. But maybe there are two point of view here.

RORY: I donít think so.

DEAN: Well you just feel that way because your mother feels like that.

RORY: Oh what, so I have no opinions of my own?

DEAN: I didnít mean that.

RORY: Well if I have no opinions of my own, then I guess Iíd be just the kind of girl youíd like.

DEAN: Rory, my mom used to make dinner for my dad every day before she started working and now she even does it on the weekends. So what does that say about her?

RORY: It says that she has a choice and Donna Reed didnít.

DEAN: You do realize that Donna Reed wasnít real donít you?

RORY: Yes I know she wasnít real but she represented millions of women that were real and did have to dress like that and act like that -

DEAN: Can you please tell me how we got into an argument about the Donna Reed show?

RORY: I donít know.

DEAN: Ok, look, I gotta go to work, soÖbye.


DEAN: What?

RORY: Bird.



RORY: Hey. [entering the house]

LORELAI: Hey good, I was just about to leave.

RORY: Where are you going?

LORELAI: To Lukeís. Weíre picking out paint colours tonight so itís going to be hours of Ďyes, no, yes, no, yes, noí until my world famous perseverance wears him down and he winds up in a ball on the floor crying like a girl. Wanna come watch?

RORY: Iím house sitting tonight remember?

LORELAI: Yeah, but you have to eat. Come have a quick burger.

RORY: No thanks. [putting bird on the table]

LORELAI: Oh, what is that?

RORY: Itís for school.

LORELAI: Oh heís so cute. Whatís his name?

RORY: Case study number 12.

LORELAI: Is that hyphenated? [Rory shrugs] Honey heís adorable, he should have a name.

RORY: Iím not bonding with my midterm, thank you.

LORELAI: Alright, Iíll name him. Hi, your name is Stanley. Hi Stanley.

RORY: Itís a girl.

LORELAI: Oh, sorry about the Stanley thing. Your name is Stella. Stella is nice and Stella was married to Stanley.

RORY: Call it whatever you want.

LORELAI: Youíre grumpy, what happened?

RORY: Nothing, just a long day.

LORELAI: You know what the remedy to a long day is? A ring side seat while Luke envisions strangling me with his baseball cap.

RORY: Iím gonna leave the chick here for tonight so that the kitten doesnít get any fancy ideas.


RORY: Sheís already fed and if she gets too loud just put her in my room. Iíll call you later.

LORELAI: Ok. [Rory turns to leave] HeyÖare you ok?

RORY: Yeah, just a bad afternoon. Iíll fix it.

LORELAI: Ok, call me if you need a wrench or something.

RORY: I will. [leaves]

LORELAI: Stella.


[combos of paint samples pinned throughout the diner]

LORELAI: Now, this is another way to go. Itís sort of a French bistro kind of look.

LUKE: This isnít a French bistro.

LORELAI: Really? Huh, itís amazing the things you learn when you bother to listen.

LUKE: Which you usually donít.

LORELAI: Yes, but then I donít have a lot of useless information intruding in my brain.

LUKE: Thank God.

LORELAI: Now, if you wanted to do more warm, golden Tuscan countryside -

LUKE: Then Iíd go to Italy. [to customers] Here Iíll wrap this.

LORELAI: We could also go with a pastely English country-garden theme. Oh, maybe we could add a little stenciling on the ceiling.

LUKE: No stenciling.

LORELAI: Excuse me, do you even know what stenciling is?

LUKE: Does Martha Stewart do it?


LUKE: No stenciling.

[Kirk and Taylor enter]

TAYLOR: Ask him.

KIRK: I will.

TAYLOR: Well go on.

KIRK: Donít push. Hello Luke.

LUKE: What do you want Kirk?

KIRK: Taylor here tells me that youíre thinking of painting this place.

LORELAI: Thatís right, he is.


KIRK: Excuse me, Iíd like to hear it from him. Luke, is - is that true?

LUKE: Yes Kirk, it is true.

KIRK: Really?

LUKE: Yes.

KIRK: And this is your final decision?

LUKE: Iím afraid it is.

KIRK: Because itís not too late -

TAYLOR: You heard him, heís painting this place - pay up. [Kirk gives him some money] Thank you. [they leave]

LUKE: Sorry man.

KIRK: Hey, itís a little late for that donít you think.

TAYLOR: Ooh, I like this. [pointing to the pastels Lorelai was talking about. Luke looks at her]

LORELAI: Ok I get it. [taking them down]


RORY: Ok, hold on [talking to Apricot while preparing cat food] There you go. Meow if you need anything else. [sits and tries to study but picks up the phone] Hi is Dean in? This is Rory. [pause] Oh, well will you tell him I called? Ok, thanks. [grabs her jacket and leaves]


LORELAI: Are you ready to talk paint?


LORELAI: Good. Cause Iíve got all the choices set up. And while any one of them would work, I think this combo is currently my favorite.


LORELAI: See, imagine - this will be for the walls, and this would be for the trim - the edging around the doors and the windows -

LUKE: I know what the trim is.

LORELAI: Ok. The colors are actually quite similar to what you have here now but theyíre just a little richer, a little warmer. What do you think?


LORELAI: Wait, wait, wait, wait. [turns down lights] Huh? A little ambiance?

LUKE: This is a diner, we donít do ambiance.

LORELAI: Alright, one argument at a time. So what do you think?

LUKE: Honestly?


LUKE: I have no idea. You like it?




[guy enters and starts taking pictures]

LUKE: What are you doing?

GUY: Oh, um, the town council wanted to do a before and after poster.

LUKE: Out. Thatís it, weíre closed for the night.

LORELAI: You know, listen, since you have to take everything off the walls anyways, now might be a really good time to decide what stuff youíre going to keep and what stuff youíre going to get rid off.

LUKE: Everything stays.

LORELAI: Ok, there is a plastic dancing pork chop that saysÖ

LUKE: Everything stays.

LORELAI: .. ĎI lost my head over a good chop, you should tooí.

LUKE: Everything stays.

LORELAI: Ok - everything stays.

LUKE: You know this place hasnít been painted since my dad was alive.

LORELAI: No, I didnít know that.

LUKE: He painted it once before he opened it, and once more when the roof caved in one winter. I think thatís probably it.

LORELAI: The paint lasted a long time. He got his moneyís worth.

LUKE: Yeah. He really loved this place, you know? The store was his life - mine too I guess. I spent every minute I wasnít in school in here. I spent a lot minutes I was supposed to be in school in here too.

LORELAI: How come you opened a diner? Why didnít you keep it a hardware store?

LUKE: I donít know. I didnít love the hardware business the way my dad did, and you know, I knew how to cook, so I just thought a diner would be moreÖfun.

LORELAI: Thatís a hard word for you to say.

LUKE: [chuckles] Yeah. I just always wanted to work here. Just where dad did.

LORELAI: God thatís nice - the be soÖI donít know - connected to your dad. Thatís - I would have loved that.

LUKE: Well youíve got that with Rory.

LORELAI: Yeah - I guess so.

LUKE: You know, I still think thereís still a spot on the wall somewhere where my dad took an order one day when he ran out of paper.

LORELAI: Really? Where?

LUKE: I donít know. Behind the counter maybe. Next to the doorÖon the right side.

LORELAI: Oh! Here it is. Three hammers, phillips-head screw driverÖ

LUKE: And three boxes of nails - in assorted sizes.


LUKE: Iíve seen it from time to time. Yeah, well I guess it is time for a little spruce.

LORELAI: Yeah it is. But letís not spruce this particular spot.

LUKE: That sounds good.


[Hear people coming up to the door]

LUKE: Jeez.

LORELAI: No, no, no - donít get up.

LUKE: But if I donít -

LORELAI: Theyíll go away, theyíll go away. Trust me.

TAYLOR: [outside] I donít know where they are. They should be in there.

Just imagine it all in pastels. The whole thing. Anyways. [they leave]

LUKE: Thank you.

LORELAI: Youíre welcome. I should go.

LUKE: Oh yeah, oh, ok.

LORELAI: Uh, soÖitís gonna be great.

LUKE: Iím sure it is.

LORELAI: See ya.

LUKE: See ya.


RORY: Lane?


RORY: Hey, howís it going?

LANE: Very well. I have discovered that, in addition to my lameness in geometry, I also will not become a biologist, french translator or civil war buff.

RORY: Well I guess that just leaves bass player for the Foo-Fighters.

LANE: I also wouldnít rule out keyboardist for Siouxsie and the Banshees reunion tour.

RORY: I like that you keep an open mind.

LANE: So whatís up?

RORY: I need to borrow a cd.

LANE: Which one?

RORY: The weird one.

LANE: IÖneed more information.

RORY: I donít know which one it is but Iíd know if it I saw it.

LANE: Ok, well letís take a look. [lifting a board from the floor] So, ok, we have classic rock, progressive rock, pretty-boy rock -

RORY: Excuse me?

LANE: Bon jovi, Duran Duran, The Wallflowers, Bush -

RORY: Got it, next?

LANE: Uh, punk, new wave, german metal bandsÖBroadway soundtracks. [lifting another board]

RORY: Interesting filing system.

LANE: Anything yet?

RORY: Nope. Sorry.

LANE: Ok, well over there we have jazz, jazz vocals, classical, country, rockabilly, Sinatra - the capitol years. Oh wait! The miscellaneous section.

RORY: Hey that sounds right. [Lane lifts another board] Ha, William Shatner. Is this the one where he sings ĎTambourine man.í?

LANE: And ĎLucy in the sky with diamonds.í

RORY: Ha, remind me to get this for my mom for her birthday. Oh wait. Hey thatís it. Can I?

LANE: Take it.

RORY: Thanks.

LANE: So what are you doing?

RORY: Um, Iím not completely sure yet.

LANE: Ok, well I want details. [Rory nods and leaves]


[Lorelai walks in to find Stellaís cage empty]

LORELAI: [Imitating Marlon Brando in ĎA Street Car Named Desire] Stella!!! Oh no! No, no, ok. Stella? Do something. Show yourself. Moult or chirp or something. Oh, this is so not funny, not funny, not funny. Stella? Oh this is unbelievable. All day long just chirps like a maniac at the top of her lungs and now nothing - silence. Marcel marceau chicken. Ok, thatís ok. I can fix this, we can fix this. Iím going to make this better. [picks up the phone and dials] Iím going toÖfix - Hello?

LUKE: Yeah.

LORELAI: Luke, Stella got out and I donít know - do I put seed on the floor or cheeping sounds or do I pull a Lucy Ricardo and walk like a chicken so that she thinks Iím her mother?

LUKE: Who the hell is this?

LORELAI: What do you mean who is this, itís Lorelai, who else would call you looking for her baby chick?

LUKE: Youíre right, Iím the idiot. Go on.

LORELAI: Um, could you come over here please and help me?

LUKE: UhÖyeah, ok. Iíll be right over.

LORELAI: Ok, hurry!

[Pan to later. Knocking at the door.]

LORELAI: Thank God, get in here.

LUKE: This place is a disaster, whatís going on here?

LORELAI: Ok, the last sighting was here by the Instyle but then she burrowed through the Glamour and jumped over the Cosmo and knocked over a brand new bottle of nail polish, so all I can tell you at this point is if there was any doubt that this chick was a girl, well there isnít any more [cheeping] Ok, there she is!

LUKE: Jeez, what was that?

LORELAI: Stella, Stella?

LUKE: You really do have a chick loose in here.

LORELAI: Yeah, I told you I had a chick loose in here. There she goes by the kitchen!

LUKE: [running after her] Jeez!

LORELAI: Donít step on her!

LUKE: Well she cut right in front of me.

LORELAI: Ok, well sheís being graded so letís not squash her.

LUKE: Well then tell her to watch where sheís going.


[Phone rings]

RORY: Hello?

DEAN: Um, I wasnít sure if you still wanted me to come over.

RORY: Oh I do, I do. I absolutely do.

DEAN: Are you sure?

RORY: Yeah, Iím totally and completely [Dean laughs] Youíre teasing me.

DEAN: Yeah a little, but I did appreciate the enthusiasm.

RORY: So how long until you get here?

DEAN: Actually not long at all.

RORY: Why where are you?

DEAN: Right outside.

[Rory steps out to meet Dean in a Donna Reed Ď50s dress. Rory giggles]

DEAN: Uh, what the -

RORY: Honey, youíre home! Well say something.

DEAN: Trick or treat?

RORY: What, you donít like it?

DEAN: No, I do. Itís uh, got a large circumference.

RORY: Thank you. Now come on in, itís cold outside. [they go in]

DEAN: Oh my God.

RORY: Here, let me take your coat.

DEAN: Uh, thank you.

RORY: Youíre welcome.

DEAN: Interesting music.

RORY: Iím glad you like it.

DEAN: So whatís that? [pointing to a dish]

RORY: Oh just some appetizers before dinner.

DEAN: Before dinner?

RORY: Yes.

DEAN: Are we going out?


DEAN: Ordering pizza?



RORY: I made you dinner.

DEAN: Excuse me?

RORY: Steak, green beans, mashed potatoes -

DEAN: Wait, you made me dinner?

RORY: Thatís right.

DEAN: You made me dinner?

RORY: And dessert.

DEAN: Ok, whatís going on here.

RORY: Iím sorry, I thought it was obvious. Itís Donna Reed night.

[Both laugh]


LORELAI: I swear she went over there.

LUKE: We looked over there.

LORELAI: Well she went under that chair and didnít come out.

LUKE: We moved the chair and we searched for floor - nothing.

LORELAI: Well then she went under the chair and went through a hole in the floor.

LUKE: Thereís no hole in the floor.

LORELAI: Well maybe there was a hole in the floor and then she crawled through it and fixed it.

LUKE: So sheís a super intelligent chick with great physical and deductive skills.


LUKE: Oh. This is not a chick I wanna find.

LORELAI: Hey Luke what did you mean earlier?

LUKE: What are you talking about?

LORELAI: When you got here you made some comment about me not really having a chick in the house.

LUKE: Huh.

LORELAI: I mean, if I didnít have a chick here why did you think I was calling.

LUKE: No, I thought you were calling about the chick.

LORELAI: It didnít seem like it.

LUKE: Well maybe it didnít seem like it, but it was.

LORELAI: Was what?

LUKE: Was what IÖthought - can we just keep looking?

LORELAI: Ok. I just still think -

LUKE: There she is!


LUKE: There! [loud crash]

LORELAI: Careful.


[Rory and Dean eating]

RORY: Well?

DEAN: What can I say?

RORY: You can say itís perfect

DEAN: Itís perfect.

RORY: Thank you. How is it really?

DEAN: Itís perfect.

RORY: Yeah?

DEAN: Itís amazing. I mean, Iíve never had anyone make me dinner before - except my mom and believe me, itís not the same.

RORY: Iím extremely glad to hear that. [Dean goes for more potatoes] Wait, wait - you wanna leave room for dessert right?

DEAN: Oh, thatís right. So whatís for dessert?

RORY: Lime fantasy supreme.

DEAN: Which is? [Rory gets up and goes to the fridge. Pulls out two tall sundae glasses]

RORY: Green jello and cool whip.

DEAN: You are insane.

RORY: Oh no. I forgot to make the rolls.

DEAN: What?

RORY: I was gonna make rolls.

DEAN: Well thatís ok.

RORY: I canít believe I forgot them! [tries to open package]

DEAN: What are you doing?

RORY: Iíll make them now.

DEAN: Hold on. Come on [pulls her onto his lap] We really donít need rolls.

RORY: Donna Reed would have never forgotten the rolls. Theyíre gonna make me turn in my pearls. [He kisses her.]

DEAN: I promise Iíll kick anyoneís butt who comes near those pearls. [kiss again.] Rory?

RORY: Yeah?

DEAN: As really amazing as this whole thing was, I mean the music, the outfit, the dinner - I hope you know that I donít expect you to be Donna Reed and I donít want you to be Donna Reed. Thatís not what I meant. This just got totally blown out of proportion. Iím actually pretty happy with you.

RORY: I know, and I appreciate that, but aside from this actually being fun, I did a little research on Donna Reed.

DEAN: You did research on Donna Reed?

RORY: Look - see, she did do the whole, like, milk and cookies, wholesome, big skirt thing but aside from that, she was an uncredited producer and director on her tv show, which made her one of the first woman tv executives. Which is actually kind of impressive.

DEAN: Well Iím glad this has turned out to be such a positive experience for you.

RORY: It has been. And even thought Iíll probably never get the feeling back in my left little toe, Iíd do it again.

DEAN: Yeah?

RORY: Someday. But for now, I should get these dishes cleaned up.

DEAN: Oh well Iíll help.

RORY: Sorry, youíre a man. You canít help for another 15 years.

DEAN: Ok, well then as the man, I will do what the man is supposed to do.

RORY: Go bowling?

DEAN: Take out the trash.


LORELAI: She is never going anywhere ever again. Iím thinking of slipping some super glue on the bottom of the cage. That would be bad right? I mean, I know staples are bad but whatís the verdict on super glue?

LUKE: Ask Stella.

LORELAI: Oh, you donít have to do that. [as he carts broken lamp out]

LUKE: This stuff is sharp, I wanna get it outta the way.

LORELAI: Well thanks, for helping.

LUKE: No problem. Iím gonna throw this stuff outside.


DEAN: Hey.

LUKE: Hey.

DEAN: What are you doing here?

LUKE: What are you doing here?

DEAN: You first.

LUKE: Iím looking for a chick.

DEAN: Yeah, me too. [laughing a bit]

LUKE: You are not.

DEAN: Neither are you.

LORELAI: [coming out onto the porch] Hey Luke, is there - Dean.

DEAN: Uh, Lorelai, hi.

LORELAI: Fancy meeting you here.

LUKE: Yeah.

DEAN: Well uh -

RORY: [coming out onto the porch] Hey, the jello is doing this weird melty thing and I - Oh, mom, Luke.

LUKE: Rory.


LORELAI: Uh, what the hell are you two doing?

DEAN: Nothing. She - uh, we ate dinner, you know steak and beans -

RORY: Canned.

LORELAI: Canned.

RORY: Not fresh.



DEAN: And potatoes.

RORY: From a box.

DEAN: But they were still good.

RORY: Thank you.

DEAN: Youíre welcome.

RORY: What were you guys doing?

LORELAI: Oh - I was in the house -

LUKE: And then the lamp sort of - Iím gonna get going.


LUKE: Iím sorry about the -

LORELAI: Oh, forget it.

LUKE: Ok, bye. [leaves]

DEAN: Yeah, I probably better go too. Thanks for dinner. [leaves]

RORY: Youíre welcome. [to Lorelai] What?

LORELAI: Well ok, youíre 16, you have a whole house to yourself for the evening, I expect youíre gonna have your boyfriend over, but what is with the apron?

RORY: Itís a long story.

LORELAI: Did it involve a sharp blow to the head?

RORY: I gotta go check on Apricot.

LORELAI: Oh my God! [laughing] I just saw the pearls.

RORY: Iím going in now.

LORELAI: Yeah you know what? Iím going inside too cause I have to write down all the ways Iím gonna torture you about that outfit.

RORY: Good night!

LORELAI: Could I just get a picture thought, cause, um, visual aids would really help. Oh, oh, oh, the shoes! Iím dying oh! [heads inside laughing.]

RORY: Mom?! I canít find Apricot!

LORELAI: What? No!

RORY: She was on the couch when I came out and now nowhere!

LORELAI: Thatís it! We are not animal people, period!


MICHEL: It was a tiny little favour!

SOOKIE: We have had this discussion before Michel!

MICHEL: You are being unreasonable!

SOOKIE: I have my standards!

MICHEL: But this is a simple request!

SOOKIE: You are asking me to compromise my artistic and my culinary values!

LORELAI: Michel wanted an egg white omelet?


LORELAI: Crazy man.

MICHEL: Why? Why am I a crazy man? I didnít have time for breakfast this morning, so very nicely I asked her to make me an egg white omelette cooked very dry with some tomatoes, mushrooms maybe some chives and she gives me this?

LORELAI: Well what is this?

SOOKIE: A three egg omelette with goat cheese, panchetta, cooked in a little cherry olive oil.

MICHEL: I do not each dairy or meat. You know this.

SOOKIE: I am a chef Michel. It is my job to make food that tastes good.

LORELAI: And you do sister. [eating the omelette]

MICHEL: But I canít eat like that and look like her.

LORELAI: You donít know what youíre missing.

MICHEL: That will kill you.

LORELAI: Gotta go someday.

MICHEL: But someday this will all catch up to you. Youíll become the balloon lady and with the luck of God, I will be here to enjoy it. [leaves]

LORELAI: But you make a good egg white omelette.

SOOKIE: I know.

LORELAI: Ah. [Sookie laughs] So who wants to hear about my night?

SOOKIE: Oh me!

LORELAI: Well it started with Roryís baby chick getting loose in the house and ended with Rory and I up at one in the morning looking for Morey and Babetteís new kitten who we found asleep in the piano.

SOOKIE: Wow, thatís very Ďwild kingdomí of you.

LORELAI: Yeah, Iím like the Marlin Perkins of Stars Hollow.

SOOKIE: You want some coffee?

LORELAI: Please.

SOOKIE: So howís Roryís chick?

LORELAI: Uh, better than my lemon lamp?

SOOKIE: Whatís the matter with your lemon lamp?

LORELAI: Luke killed it.

SOOKIE: On purpose?

LORELAI: I canít prove it yet, but I will.

SOOKIE: What was Luke doing there?

LORELAI: Well I called him when I got home and Stella wasnít there.

SOOKIE: Stella is the chick?


SOOKIE: I like that name.

LORELAI: Oh - ĎStreet Car Named Desireí.

SOOKIE: Vivien Leigh or Jessica Tandy?

LORELAI: Hello? Tandy.

SOOKIE: Of course, continue.

LORELAI: So I evaluated the situation in my usual calm, cool, collected manner and I then called Luke to help me track her down.

SOOKIE: Thatís when he broke the lamp?

LORELAI: Yeah, heís not very graceful. You know he said the weirdest thing.

SOOKIE: ĎMay I break your lamp?í

LORELAI: Well he got the and I was looking for Stella and he said ĎOh you really do have a baby chick loose in the houseí like I made that up or I donít know.


LORELAI: Well what?

SOOKIE: Well when you call someone and say Ďcan you come over and help me look for my loose chickí itís a littleÖ

LORELAI: A little what?

SOOKIE: It sounds a little like the code for ĎIím not wearing any underwearí.

LORELAI: Thatís not the code for ĎIím not wearing any underwear.í


LORELAI: Sookie youíre not serious.

SOOKIE: The first time Jackson and I - you know.


SOOKIE: Yeah, I called him up and told him I had a bat in the attic.

LORELAI: Well honey, you do have a bat in your attic.

SOOKIE: So, he came over and we went into the attic and he knew there was no bat, and I knew there was no bat, but we pretended to look for it and when we couldnít find that bat, we went downstairs and had a bottle of wine andÖ

LORELAI: So youíre saying Luke thought I made up a crazy story about having some chick loose in the house just to get him in bed?

SOOKIE: Not just to get him in bed, but maybe he thought you wanted to see him and you didnít know how to say it.

LORELAI: Thatís nuts.

SOOKIE: A woman asking a man to come over late at night to her house, come on.

LORELAI: Yeah but this is Luke weíre talking about.

SOOKIE: Uh, huh. Why did you call him?

LORELAI: Because I needed help.

SOOKIE: Why didnít you call me?

LORELAI: Because I assumed you would be with Jackson.

SOOKIE: Uh-huh.

LORELAI: Well I did.

SOOKIE: Why didnít you call Rory?

LORELAI: Because she wouldíve been furious to find out Stella was missing.

SOOKIE: Why didnít you call Patty? She raises chickens.

LORELAI: Sookie.

SOOKIE: Or Andrew. He lives right around the corner doesnít he?

LORELAI: What is your point?

SOOKIE: My point is you called Luke. Out of all the people in town that you couldíve called that would have come over and dropped whatever they were doing, you called Luke.

LORELAI: Because I had just been with him. We were picking out paint samples. He was on my mind, it was purely a timing thing.

SOOKIE: Picking out paint samples.


SOOKIE: For Lukeís place.


SOOKIE: So you could paint together.

LORELAI: Once again yes.

SOOKIE: Mm-hmm, which I believe was your idea.

LORELAI: Ok, so now the fact that I suggested painting Lukeís diner also means that I wanted to get him into bed. All of a sudden Iím trying to get any poor unsuspecting person into bed with me. Iím like Michael Douglas.

SOOKIE: Lorelai -

LORELAI: I - just -ha - thanks for the omelette.

SOOKIE: No honey, Iím sorry. I donít want you to be - donít be mad at me.

LORELAI: Iím not mad! Iím not mad! Iím just tired!

SOOKIE: Ok. You know Luke is a really nice man.

LORELAI: Bye Sookie. [Sookie sighs]


GRANDMA: Rory, Lorelai.

LORELAI: Hey we thought maybe the doorbell wasnít working.

GRANDMA: Come in. [goes into living room]

LORELAI: We were ringing it and ringing it and nobody - I guess weíll just come in.

GRANDMA: [talking into speakerphone] And that would the same as we were paying for our old place?

MAN: [on speakerphone] Exactly the same.

GRANDPA: Except the grounds fee.

MAN: Well the grounds fee is higher.

GRANDMA: But the grounds are larger Richard.

GRANDPA: Iím just trying to get all the information Emily.

GRANDMA: All the information is that this is our last chance to go to Marthaís Vineyard for the season, thatís all the information.

MAN: Emily, Richard.

GRANDPA: I realize the position we are in, but this is a business transaction.

GRANDMA: Oh for heavenís sake!

MAN: Richard, Emily.

GRANDPA: As a business transaction - one in which money goes out and we receive certain goods and services -

GRANDPA: And heís patronizing me, how lovely.

MAN: Emily, Richard.

GRANDPA: I must treat this conversation with the care and devotion to detail I would any conversation that would be considered a business transaction. Kindly allow me to do so!

MAN: Richard, Emily, please!

GRANDMA: Goodness you startled me.

MAN: Iím sorry, I just wanted to say that Iím sure we can negotiate the grounds fee.

GRANDPA: Well thatíll be fine [Lorelai give him a thumbs up]

MAN: Good. Iíll get into this right now and Iíll get back to you.

GRANDMA: Thank you John.

GRANDPA: Yes, weíll talk to you later.

MAN: Bye. [they hang up]

GRANDMA: Careful Richard, that canary you ate is going to spoil your dinner

LORELAI: Whatís going on?

GRANDPA: Your mother and I have just secure a spot on Marthaís Vineyard.

RORY: Really? Thatís great!

LORELAI: I thought you lost your old place.

GRANDMA: We did, but this afternoon we found out that Arthur Roundtree had died.

GRANDPA: He had been drinking.

GRANDMA: So we got on the phone and snatched that place up.

GRANDPA: Ah, itís a find piece of property.

GRANDMA: Much better view than our other place.

LORELAI: The both of you are going directly to hell I hope you know that.

GRANDPA: Well at least weíll be well rested. [Grandpa and Grandma laugh]

LORELAI: Touche.

GRANDMA: I am so thrilled about this.

GRANDPA: Iím glad.

GRANDMA: The two of you must come up for the weekend, it is so lovely. Rory would just love it.

RORY: Can we go for the weekend?

LORELAI: Weíll see how much valium auntie Sookie can lend mommy ok.

GRANDMA: The only draw back of course is that we had to rent the place furnished and Arthur had dreadful taste. Remember the library Richard?

GRANDPA: Oh [laughing] Pink and green! Horrible, itís just horrible!

LORELAI: Well heís dead now so he got his.

GRANDMA: Lorelai youíre being morbid.

LORELAI: Iím being morbid?

RORY: New subject please.

LORELAI: Joan and Melissa Rivers here think Iím being morbid.

GRANDMA: Rory, whatís new in your life?

RORY: Nothing - just school, homework.

LORELAI: Aprons.

RORY: Do not go there.

GRANDMA: What does she mean aprons?

LORELAI: Nothing. I was just teasing her.

GRANDMA: About aprons.


GRANDMA: I donít understand.

LORELAI: Itís not important.

GRANDMA: Then humour me.

LORELAI: Nothing, Rory just dressed up in a cute apron the other day and so I was teasing her about it.

GRANDPA: Why did you get dressed up in an apron?

[Rory shakes her head pleadingly]

LORELAI: W-well, weíve decided to give up on that pesky Harvard dream and focus on something more realistic. Mom, Dad, Roryís decided to become a maid, just like I was.

GRANDMA: Is that funny? [to Grandpa] Did she think that was funny?

GRANDPA: What would have possessed you to say such a thing?

GRANDMA: And in front of Rory.

LORELAI: I was kidding.

GRANDMA: God, my heart stopped.

LORELAI: Why donít you tell them about your bird? That seems like a safe subject.

GRANDPA: Youíre bird?

RORY: Yeah itís for school. Each of us have to follow a chick through itís entire growth process - everything has to be logged, eating habits, sleeping habits.

LORELAI: Houdini habits.

RORY: She got out.

LORELAI: She ran far.

RORY: But she lived.

LORELAI: Sheís a better bird for it.

RORY: Thank God Luke found her.

GRANDMA: Luke found her?


GRANDMA: Rory said that Luke found her.

LORELAI: [to Rory] Getting me back for the apron thing?

RORY: Sorry.

GRANDMA: Did the bird get loose in Lukeís diner.



LORELAI: The bird got loose at home.

GRANDMA: Your home?


GRANDMA: Ah. [Lorelai gets up to get herself a drink.]

RORY: So Grandpa, whenís your next trip?

GRANDPA: Uh, Madrid - the 12th.

RORY: Wow.

GRANDPA: I think thereís a nice edition of cervantes in it for you.

RORY: Gracias.

GRANDMA: What was Luke doing at your house?

LORELAI: Oh look, thereís no ice, Iíll get some.

GRANDMA: I asked you a question. [following her]

LORELAI: He was helping me find the bird mom.

GRANDMA: Really?

LORELAI: Yes really.

GRANDMA: And how did he know that the bird was missing? What, was he strolling by your house and he heard your plaintiff cry for help.


GRANDMA: Or the helpless cheep of a chick in trouble.

LORELAI: I called him mom, ok? I called him and asked him to come over and help me find the bird ok?

GRANDMA: It seems like this man is always around when youíre in trouble.

LORELAI: Heís a good friend.

GRANDMA: Oh please.

LORELAI: Do we have to discuss this?

GRANDMA: Lorelai Iím getting a little tired of being lied to.

LORELAI: Apparently we do.

GRANDMA: This man was at Roryís birthday party. He came to the hospital with you. Heís the male lead in every story you tell. You go to the diner every single day. I have seen the way he looks at you. The way you look a t him. Iím not a fool!

LORELAI: Mom, please!

GRANDMA: Why do you treat me like I donít have a clue in the world as to what is going on in your life? Now Iím asking you as a favour, if you have any respect for me at all as your mother, just tell me - do you have feelings for this man?

LORELAI: I donít know. Maybe I do. I havenít given it that much thought. Maybe I do.

GRANDMA: Thank you. Iím glad you were finally honest with me. Now we can discuss what on earth you could possibly be thinking [leaving] Donít forget the ice.


LUKE: So youíre sure we need this many cans?

LORELAI: Oh yeah - you need enough for two coats and touch ups and little spots. No Iím not sure.

LUKE: Well weíve got the paint and the brushes and the tarps and all the other stuff the paint guy said weíd need so I guess weíre ready.

LORELAI: Yes we are.

LUKE: The only thing left to do is figure out when.

LORELAI: How about Friday?

LUKE: Friday?

LORELAI: Yeah, I mean, you know, you donít want this stuff sitting around. You know, I donít know if paint goes bad but judging by the smell of it when itís fresh, rotten paint would be really gross.

LUKE: Donít you have dinner with your folks on Friday?

LORELAI: Well yeah, but I can get out early for a special occasion.

LUKE: Friday it is.


LUKE: Good [leaves and is walking down the street when Rory comes up to her]

RORY: Hey.

LORELAI: Oh, hey you.

RORY: Jeez do you think you got enough pain.

LORELAI: I know, I tried to tell him. So dinner - thoughts?

RORY: Letís have some.

LORELAI: How about chinese?

RORY: Sounds good.

LORELAI: Ok, I need to stop at the market and get some fruit.

RORY: Why?

LORELAI: I think Iím getting scurvy.

RORY: Really?

LORELAI: Yeah, well that or a cold but either way I need some fruit. [as they get to the market they hear a motorcycle]

TAYLOR: Damn motorcycles! Theyíre a scourge

RORY: Yeah!


TAYLOR: Theyíre loud. Theyíre dangerous. We should ban them from town.

LORELAI: Maybe we should set up barricades and ban all unwelcome strangers from crossing the border.

TAYLOR: Well - well no we couldnít do that, that would be illegal.

LORELAI: Darn laws.

TAYLOR: Ugh - I gotta get away from that noise. [as motorcycle head toward market]

LORELAI: Kill me and bury me with that bike.

RORY: What is it, a harley?

LORELAI: That is a 2000 Indian 80-horsepower, 5-speed, close ratio andrews transmission and I wanna get one.


LORELAI: Why not?

RORY: Youíd die.

LORELAI: Oh that. [they turn back to head into the market]



BIKER: Nice shirt, take it off [girls stop as biker takes off his helmet]

LORELAI: Christopher.

RORY: Dad! [runs up and hugs him]


RORY: This is great! What are you doing here?

CHRISTOPHER: Iím here to see you, and your mom, whoís not saying anything about as loud as a person can.


CHRISTOPHER: A word! Huh. Perhaps thereís a phrase in my future. Ok, why is that man staring at me?

RORY: Thatís Taylor Dosey, he owns the market. He knows all and sees all.

LORELAI: So, um, whatís with the just showing up Mr. Spontaneity Guy?

CHRISTOPHER: Well my folks are back in Connecticut so Iím here to see them, and on the way I thought Iíd stop by and surprise the Gilmore girls. Are you surprised?

LORELAI: Oh, the teeniest feather could knock me in the gutter.

CHRISTOPHER: So where would somebody find someplace to stay around here.

RORY: Stay, really? Youíre staying?

CHRISTOPHER: Iím thinking about it.

RORY: Stay with us!

LORELAI: Um, sweetieÖ

CHRISTOPHER: I donít think youíre mom wants -

LORELAI: No, itís not that. Itís just - Iím still surprised.

RORY: Mom, ple-e-ease?

LORELAI: Why donít you stay with us for a couple of days?

CHRISTOPHER: Thanks Lor, you wonít even know Iím there. Hey, hop on [to Rory]

LORELAI: Hop off.

CHRISTOPHER: Hop on [giving her a helmet]

LORELAI: Hop off.


LORELAI: [sighs] Hop on. [watches them ride off] Christopher.

That Damn Donna Reed Summary ...

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