Written by: John Stephens
Directed by: Bethany Rooney
PREVIOUSLY ON GILMORE GIRLS
[At Grandmaís house]
LORELAI: So you have a formal coming up?
RORY: Yeah, but I donít think Iím gonna go.
GRANDMA: Nonsense, of course youíre going.
[in the car]
LORELAI: I just donít want you to miss any experience because youíre too
RORY: Iím afraid? Of what?
LORELAI: Of asking DeanÖ
[in the grocery store]
DEAN: Are you asking to go to a dance with you?
RORY: Bye Grandma, bye mom.
GRANDMA: What do you know about this boy?
LORELAI: I know that Rory likes him, and that his parole officer has high
hopes for his rehabilitation.
[Miss Pattyís dance studio]
RORY: Thank you for tonight. It was perfect.
DEAN: Youíre welcome.
GRANDMA: Lorelai get up, now! Right now!
GRANDMA: Roryís not home.
[MISS PATTYíS STUDIO]
MISS PATTY: Rory, have you been here all night?
RORY: Oh no!
DEAN: Please, please let me come with you.
RORY: I have to get home
LORELAI: Letís just try and be calm until we know what happened
GRANDMA: They were out all night!
GRANDMA: Sheís going to get pregnant.
LORELAI: No sheís not. Sheís smart, and careful and I trust her and sheís
gonna be fine, and if you canít accept that or believe it, then I donít want
you in this house!!
[Lorelai and Rory in kitchen]
LORELAI: Do you have any idea what itís like to wake up with my mother here
and find out that you never came home.
RORY: So all this is about Grandma being here.
LORELAI: No, itís about the feeling of complete terror when your kid isnít
in her bed in the morning.
RORY: Nothing happened.
LORELAI: And then itís about a whole different kind of terror when you find
out that she spent the night with some guy.
RORY: Iím sorry that I screwed up and Iím sorry that you got yelled at, but
I didnít do anything. And you know it!
CUT TO MISS PATTYíS STUDIO
MISS PATTY: People please pay attention. Now, I want my before Mary over
here, and my after Mary over here. Wise men, shepherd line up for the
processional. I only have half a donkey? I need the rest of the donkey!
[Kirk standing on stool while Lorelai hemming]
LORELAI: Hold still Kirk.
KIRK: You stuck me.
LORELAI: I did not stick you.
KIRK: You did to.
LORELAI: Ok, be quiet now. [looks at Rory]
RORY: Um, Taylor, the baby Jesus is missing an arm again.
RORY: I was just getting it out of the trunk and -
TAYLOR: Let me see that. Oh for Peteís sake! [to everyone] Ok listen up!
The arm is missing! I repeat the arm is missing!
RORY: Maybe itís just time to get a new baby Jesus, you know, one thatís a
TAYLOR: Itís a doll, no one can tell.
RORY: Well it has a bow.
TAYLOR: This has been the baby Jesus in every Christmas pageant since 1965.
Were you here in 1965?
RORY: No I wasnít.
TAYLOR: Find the arm [Rory looks at Lorelai]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Youíre flinching.
KIRK: You stuck me once. Thereís nothing to say you wonít do it again.
LORELAI: Ok you know what? Youíre done.
RORY: I swear, Iíve looked twice.
TAYLOR: Look again.
MISS PATTY: Taylor come quickly. Our Ďbeforeí Mary is about to become an
Ďafterí. Who else in town is knocked up?
[Lorelai and Rory look at each other awkwardly then look away. Pan to them
LORELAI: Find the arm?
LORELAI: [sourly]Itís beginning to look a lot like Christmas. [pan to dog
with doll arm in mouth]
CUT TO RORY STANDING IN A GAZEBO
[Lane runs up to her]
LANE: Hey, I thought we were meeting at Lukeís.
RORY: We were? Oh my God, Iím so sorry. I forgot.
LANE: Let me guess. You and Lorelai havenít made up yet?
RORY: Nope. Things are still miracle worker at my house. God, how did
everything get so screwed up?
LANE: I think you staying out all night with Dean had something to do with
RORY: And my grandmother being there to witness it didnít help.
LANE: Never does.
RORY: It sucks. Things were good. School was good, Dean was good. Now my
mother and I are barely speaking. Mom and Grandma are barely speaking.
Deanís new name is ĎNarcolepsy boyí.
LANE: Howís he taking it?
RORY: I donít know. I havenít talked to him since it happened.
LANE: That was four days ago.
RORY: I know.
LANE: Has he called?
RORY: I told him not to.
LANE: And he listened?
LANE: Good boy.
RORY: Ok, I really need to talk about something else now.
LANE: You went shopping.
RORY: Yes I did. I got a moo-ing cow shaped timer for Sookie, some
cardio-salsa tapes for Michel, a book for Dean -
LANE: You got Dean a book?
RORY: Yeah. ĎMetamorphosisí.
RORY: Itís Kafta.
LANE: Very romantic.
RORY: I think it is romantic.
LANE: I know Iíve always dreamed that some day a guy would get me a really
confusing Czechoslovakian novel.
RORY: I think heíll appreciate it.
LANE: A book sends the wrong message.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LANE: You have to look at what a gift says to the other person, not to you.
Remember two years ago, I got my mom that perfume?
LANE: Ok, to me that said, ĎHey mom, you work hard, you deserve something
fancyí. Now to my mother, it said ĎHey mom, hereís some smelly sex juice,
the kind I use to lure boys withí and resulted in me being sent to bible
camp all summer.
RORY: Yeah but -
LANE: Just imaging that you actually gave Dean something really romantic,
and he gave you a football. Your hypothetical romantic present is saying
that you really, really like him. And his present is saying ĎHey man, letís
just be friendsí.
RORY: And youíre saying that this book is -
LORELAI: Is a Czechoslovakian football, yes.
RORY: So then what do I get him?
LANE: What you should do is find out what heís getting you and gage your
RORY: But doesnít that kinda take the fun out of it?
LANE: Gift giving is serious business. If you donít believe me try spending
a month at Korean bible camp.
CUT TO INN
MICHEL: Yes right there. Now flip the elf and the fairy.
GUY: Which one is the fairy?
MICHEL: The one with the wand [Guy goes for one] What are you doing?
GUY: Isnít this a wand?
MICHEL: No, that is a staff.
GUY: So this isnít a fairy?
MICHEL: That is little bo-peep.
GUY: And you donít want to move her.
MICHEL: I would prefer that you didnít.
GUY: Ok, so weíre still looking for a fairy.
MICHEL: The search continues.
GUY: No chance youíre going to help me.
MICHEL: None whatsoever.
LORELAI: Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
LORELAI: Mom, hello.
GRANDMA: I wanted to talk to you about the Christmas dinner this Friday.
LORELAI: Ah, Christmas dinner.
GRANDMA: You forgot.
LORELAI: Well mom, thereís been a lot going on around here lately, your
Christmas shindigís not exactly high on my list of things to obsess about.
GRANDMA: Well Iím sorry if the timing is bad Lorelai, but the world doesnít
always revolve around you.
LORELAI: Well thanks for the tip.
GRANDMA: Cocktails are at 6, dinnerís at 8.
LORELAI: I probably wonít be there for cocktails.
GRANDMA: Why not?
LORELAI: Because I have to work.
GRANDMA: You canít leave work early?
LORELAI: No I canít.
GRANDMA: Why not?
LORELAI: Because itís not in my job description.
GRANDMA: Well then donít come.
GRANDMA: Donít come. Itís obviously an enormous burden for you.
LORELAI: Yeah but -
GRANDMA: Just send Rory.
LORELAI: Youíre telling me not to come to the Christmas party?
GRANDMA: Well youíre obviously too busy.
LORELAI: I had the german measles in the 5th grade, I still had to show up
to the Christmas party.
GRANDMA: Lorelai letís be honest here, Iím not too happy with you right now
and I assume youíre not too happy with me.
LORELAI: My polka dot dress matched my face and still I had to sit through
GRANDMA: I am tired of forcing you to do all those terrible things that
infringe upon your life and I do not have the energy to pretend that the way
you treated my the other day was in any way acceptable.
LORELAI: So youíre uninviting me to Christmas dinner?
GRANDMA: Yes I am.
LORELAI: Ok, anything else?
GRANDMA: I believe thatís all.
LORELAI: Ok well, great mom, itís been swell talking to you.
GRANDMA: Bye Lorelai.
[Pan to Michel and guy]
GUY: This one?
GUY: This one?
GUY: This -
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
RORY: I wish youíd change your mind.
LORELAI: Itís not my mind that needs to be changed.
RORY: I donít think she meant it.
LORELAI: Oh she meant it.
RORY: Well maybe she thinks she meant it at the time, but I bet she wonít
mean it later when I show up there without you.
LORELAI: And without a map to follow that reasoning I say, ĎTake a hot itís
RORY: You just wanna hold a grudge.
LORELAI: Yes, it burns more calories.
RORY: Thatís not true.
LORELAI: Yes it is, how do you think your grandma got those legs of hers?
Sheís not exactly a stairmaster gal.
LORELAI: Never saw her on the running track.
LORELAI: I donít remember the country club organizing a tae-bo class.
RORY: Fine, forget it. Should I put your name on Grandmaís present?
LORELAI: Yes, sign it the inn keeper formally known as her daughter.
RORY: You know what I think?
RORY: I think youíre acting a little immature.
LORELAI: Iím not acting.
RORY: Well what about the apple tarts? You wait all year for those apple
LORELAI: I can live without the apple tarts.
RORY: Youíve made up songs after eating five of them with lyrics that
contradict that last statement.
LORELAI: Oh you know what? You have to go, youíre late.
RORY: You really wonít come?
LORELAI: What, Iím sorry, is somebody speaking? Couldnít be Rory, sheís
already half way to Hartford.
RORY: Fine, Iím going.
LORELAI: Drive carefully. Watch out for ice. And bring me back one of
those [door closes]..tarts!
CUT TO GRANDMAíS HOUSE
RORY: Hi Grandma.
GRANDMA: Rory, come in. You look lovely.
RORY: This is from me and mom.
GRANDMA: Well arenít you thoughtful? Iíll just put it under the tree.
RORY: You know mom actually picked it out.
GRANDMA: Rory, do you know Holland Prescott?
RORY: I met her last year.
GRANDMA: Holland, look whoís here.
HOLLAND: Hello Rory.
GRANDPA: Thatís not my proposal.
ALAN: Yes, I know. Henry toned it down a little.
GRANDPA: Henry did! Henry is a toddler!
ALAN: He thought youíre take was a little conservative.
GRANDPA: And a moron!
ALAN: Richard, be very careful. This man may be our boss one day.
GRANDPA: Oh that will never happen.
GRANDPA: Why have you heard something?
GRANDMA: Richard, Alan, look whoís here.
GRANDPA: Hello Rory.
ALAN: Whereís your mother?
RORY: Oh, well, sheÖ
ALAN: Over by the apple tarts I assume.
GRANDMA: Lorelai couldnít come tonight.
GRANDPA: She couldnít?
GRANDMA: No, she had to work. [Rory looks at her]
GRANDPA: Ah. Speaking of which, Iím going to give that man a call.
ALAN: Richard, youíre getting yourself all worked up.
GRANDPA: As long as Iíve been with this company, it has been run by
gentleman. Revising a manís work without so much as a phone call wouldíve
been unheard of!
ALAN: Itís a new world out there Richard.
GRANDMA: Please stop all this shop talk. We are here to celebrate.
GRANDPA: Iím going to call him.
ALAN: Richard, itís passed midnight in London.
GRANDPA: Oh, even better.
RORY: Grandma, could I talk to you alone please.
GRANDMA: You need something to drink.
RORY: I want to apologize about the other night.
GRANDMA: Rory please, this is a party.
RORY: I messed up, itís my fault.
GRANDMA: This is not the time or place to discuss this, your mother should
have taught you that.
RORY: Please donít be mad at her.
GRANDMA: Iím not mad at anyone. Now go back in and join the party.
RORY: But -
GRANDMA: And take this to Gigi on your way back.
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
LORELAI: Yes Joe, I know itís Friday night, but I ordered my pizza an hour
agoÖOh no I did not hear about the delivery vanÖWell I am very, very sorry
to hear that. Now was it a fairly new van? Great, ok, well Joe, as with
most tragedies in life there come a time when you just need to pick up and
move one. So whatís the next phase of the delivery saga? Mm-hmmÖWell how
long until your brotherís back with the razor scooter? Ok, uh-huh, alright,
just call me when it gets there. Bye Joe.
[Goes into the kitchen, grams a salad bag, pours dressing into it, shakes it
and sits down to read a magazine and eat. Hears a knocking at Roryís
window. Goes into Roryís room and sees Dean at the window. Opens window]
LORELAI: Well, hi there.
LORELAI: How you doing?
LORELAI: Good, good. Shouldnít you have a squeegee with you or something?
DEAN: I was just -
LORELAI: Looking for Rory?
LORELAI: Sheís not here.
LORELAI: [sighs] Iíll tell her you tapped.
LORELAI: Mm-hmm [goes to close window but Dean hasnít moved] Something else?
DEAN: I just wanted to say that things got all messed up.
LORELAI: Yes they did.
DEAN: And Iím sorry.
DEAN: But nothing happened.
LORELAI: Ok, I have to go.
DEAN: We sat down and we were reading this book and then we fell asleep.
LORELAI: Pick a more interesting book next time.
DEAN: So am I like public enemy #1 with you?
LORELAI: #1? I donít know, would you settle for top five? Because Iím
still a little hot for that crazy bomber guy whoís been living in a cave for
DEAN: Please just tell me where I stand.
LORELAI: I donít know where you stand ok? All I know is my 16 year old
daughter didnít come home one night and you had something to do with that.
DEAN: I told you - nothing happened
LORELAI: [overlaps Dean] Happened, I heard.
DEAN: Look you can hate me but you have to believe me, I would not let
anything happen to her.
LORELAI: You happened to her.
DEAN: I wonít hurt her.
LORELAI: You know, I was 16 when I had Rory.
DEAN: I know.
LORELAI: That is the same age she is now.
DEAN: I know.
LORELAI: She wants to go to Harvard.
DEAN: She will go to Harvard and if she doesnít it wonít be because of me.
[sighs and stands to leave]
LORELAI: I donít hate you.
LORELAI: No. Though I did imagine 20 different ways to remove your head
from your body.
DEAN: Yeah? Well which one looked the best?
LORELAI: Hedge clippers.
LORELAI: Dull ones.
DEAN: Well, I mean sure you wouldnít want it to go quick.
DEAN: Ok, uh, Iím gonna go.
LORELAI: You know we have a really nice front door. You might want to use
it some times.
DEAN: Got it.
LORELAI: See ya.
CUT TO STREET OUTSIDE LUKEíS
[Lorelai walking to Lukeís while people ring bells to the tune of The First
DIRECTOR: Henry, you ring on 3.
HENRY: I thought I was 2.
DIRECTOR: No, Chuck rings on 2, you ring on 3.
CHUCK: Iím on 1.
DIRECTOR: Are you sure?
CHUCK: Nope. Sorry. Youíre right. Iím 2.
DIRECTOR: From the top. [they start again] Henry!
CUT TO INSIDE LUKEíS
LUKE: Rory coming?
LUKE: She on a date?
LUKE: Good so youíve forbid her to see the bag boy.
LORELAI: Iíd really rather not talk about it right now.
LUKE: Just tell me you forbid her to see the bag boy.
LORELAI: I did not forbid her to see the bag boy.
LUKE: Are you crazy?
LORELAI: Well, he looks like heís moving up to produce, so heís suddenly
become quite a catch.
LUKE: That kid is trouble.
LORELAI: Can I order please.
LUKE: First time I looked at him, I thought he was trouble.
LORELAI: Excuse me, Iím the one who told you I thought he was trouble and
you told me you thought I was crazy.
LUKE: You are crazy and he is trouble.
LORELAI: He is not trouble! Heís 6í2Ē, heís beautiful and heís completely
in love with my daughter.
LORELAI: Big time.
LUKE: Iíll get your burger.
LORELAI: Wait. Can I see a menu?
LUKE: You need to see a menu?
LUKE: You come here everyday.
LORELAI: I know, but I usually order the same thing, and tonight Iím in the
mood for something a little different.
LORELAI: Piece of paper, list of food offered.
LUKE: Ok, here. [gives her a menu] Itís not in Japanese.
LORELAI: Donít you have any kind of holiday special? Something festive?
LUKE: I just got some Grey Poupon. Thatís french.
LORELAI: Tonightís my parents big Christmas celebration. Thereís good food,
these amazing apple tarts, big tree. Itís the only holiday I actually enjoy
going over there for and this year, Iím uninvited.
LUKE: Why the hell would anyone celebrate Christmas two weeks early?
LORELAI: Did you even hear the part about me being uninvited?
LUKE: To your parents fake Christmas party?
LUKE: I did hear that.
LORELAI: Do you care?
LUKE: Obviously you do.
LORELAI: Yes, I do and I donít know why.
LUKE: You liked goingÖ
LORELAI: I did.
LUKE: Roryís there without youÖ
LORELAI: She is.
LUKE: You and Rory arenít getting along right now and you feel bad at being
separated during a time you usually share together.
LUKE: Did I mention you come here every damn day?
LORELAI: Iíll have a burger.
LUKE: Coming right up.
CUT TO GRANDMAíS HOUSE
GIGI: Emily, youíve out done yourself yet again.
ALAN: Yes, I canít imagine the hours you spent slaving over a hot stove.
GRANDMA: Youíre teasing me, Alan.
ALAN: Itís delicious Emily.
GRANDMA: A compliment for my chef is a compliment for me, thank you Alan.
GRANDPA: I for one would like to know where Henry is at this hour. Probably
gallivanting around London like a bull out to stud.
GRANDMA: Richard please.
GRANDPA: Well how is he supposed to negotiate the contract tomorrow morning
if heís been out at all hours with some cheap tramp.
ALAN: Knowing Henry, she wasnít cheap.
GRANDMA: This is wildly inappropriate dinner conversation especially in
front of a young lady.
GRANDPA: Is it unbearably hot in here?
GRANDMA: Richard donít loosen your tie at the table.
HOLLAND: So what are your plans for the Christmas holidays Rory?
RORY: Iíll probably just be hanging out with my mom.
GIGI: Oh itís such a shame she couldnít come, sheís always such a kick.
GRANDMA: Lorelai wasnít feeling well so I suggested she stay home.
GRANDPA: It is hot in here, Iím going to lower the thermostat [leaves].
HOLLAND: Poor thing, whatís wrong with her?
GRANDMA: She has a touch of the flu. Richard forget the thermostat! [Rory
looks at her again]
GIGI: I thought you said she was working?
GRANDMA: Well she was supposed to work but then she caught the flu so one
way or another she couldnít have made it.
GIGI: Tell her we missed her.
RORY: I will.
GRANDMA: Richard! For heaven sake [getting up to find him]. Richard!
CUT TO LUKEíS
[Slides a Santa face hamburger in front of Lorelai]
LORELAI: What did you do?
LUKE: You wanted something festive.
LORELAI: You made me a Santa burger.
LUKE: Itís not big deal.
LORELAI: He has a hat and everything.
LUKE: Yeah, I just cut a piece of wonder bread, you know, poured a little
ketchup, piped on a little cream cheese.
LORELAI: No one has ever made me something quite this disgusting before. I
LUKE: Youíre welcome.
[Cell phone rings. Luke point at the Ďno cell phoneí sign]
LORELAI: Are you kidding? Itís like the North Pole out there.
LUKE: Hey, this sign isnít just a decoration.
LORELAI: Honey, nothing in here is a decoration.
LUKE: Itís disturbs the other customers.
LORELAI: Oh really? Maybe we should take a vote. [to customers] Who thinks
we shouldnít use cell phones in here? [all raise their hands] Well screw
democracy. [goes to answer but stops ringing] Perfect, Now I have to check
my voice mail.
[Taylor and carolers enter]
ALL: ĎÖthe new born kingí.
LUKE: Whoa, whatís going on?
TAYLOR: Well we were caroling around town and we got a bit chilly and we
thought maybe we could trade you a song for some hot chocolate.
LUKE: You want free hot chocolate?
TAYLOR: No no, weíll sing for it, any tune you like.
LUKE: And then I give you free hot chocolate.
LUKE: Tell you want, you can have your hot chocolate, and pay for it, then
go next door and sing for the marshmallows.
LORELAI: Oh my God!
TAYLOR: These are your neighbors Luke!
LUKE: Shut up Taylor. Whatís going on? [to Lorelai]
LORELAI: My fatherís in the hospital.
LORELAI: Yeah, he collapsed or something. I donít know. I need a cab. I
need to call a cab. Whereís the phone? I need - can anyone give me - Iím
holding a phone.
LUKE: Whoa, calm down.
LORELAI: No I canít calm down. I need a cab. Whatís the numbers? God,
itís something-cabs, cabs-something-something, 1-800-cabs? Can somebody
tell me the damn number of the cab guy?!
LUKE: Iíll drive you.
LORELAI: But thereís food and thereís people and thereís a burger with a
LUKE: Ok, everybody out! Weíre closed, letís go. Foodís on me. [to
Lorelai] Put on your coat and get your stuff. [to Taylor] Taylor, have
your hot chocolate then lock up. [to Lorelai] Come on, my truckís out
LORELAI: Luke, Iím -
LUKE: I know, letís go.
CUT TO INSIDE TRUCK
LORELAI: Weíre being passed by senior citizens.
LUKE: Iím going as fast as I can.
LORELAI: Bye Grandma, bye.
LUKE: Thereís ice on the road, those people arenít being safe.
LORELAI: Well maybe theyíre not being safe but at least theyíre getting
LUKE: You checked it five times already, Iíve listened to it twice, itís not
LORELAI: ĎGrandpaís in the hospital, please come.í No details, no info.
Who taught her to leave a message like that?
LUKE: Iím sure she was in a hurry.
LORELAI: A person needs details. Why is he in the hospital? How bad is it?
What are the circumstances involving him being in the hospital? These are
LUKE: Weíll be there very soon and youíll know everything.
LORELAI: What if heís dead?
LUKE: Heís not dead.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: Oh, youíre psychic now? Youíre suddenly getting visions while
youíre driving 20 mph in the oldest truck known to man? [pause] Iím sorry,
youíre killing yourself to get me there and Iím yelling at you. I donít
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: I feel like this is one of those moments when I should be
remembering all the great times I had with my dad, you know. The time he
took me shopping for a Barbie or to the circus or fishing and my mind is a
LUKE: Well Iím sure it happened.
LORELAI: No it didnít. We never did any of that. He went to work, he came
home, he read the paper, he went to bed, I snuck out the window. Simple.
He was a very by the numbers guy. I was never very good with numbers.
LUKE: Iím sure he loves you.
LORELAI: You know my dad is not a bad guy.
LUKE: Iím sure heís not.
LORELAI: He lived his life the way he thought he was supposed to. He
followed the rules taught to him by his non-fishing-non-Barbie-buying dad.
He worked hard. He bought a nice house. He provided for my mom. All he
asked in return was for his daughter to wear white dresses and go to
cotillion and want the same life that he had. What a disappointment it must
have been for him to get me.
LUKE: I canít imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment.
LORELAI: I bet youíd buy a Barbie for your daughter.
LUKE: Yeah, well, Iíd probably give her the cash to buy it herself and meet
her by the baseball cards.
LORELAI: Hmm. Youíll make a great dad.
LUKE: You make a great mom.
LORELAI: Yeah. Itís just the uh, daughter part I donít have down yet.
LUKE: Ok, hold on. That Camaro is dusk.
CUT TO HOSPITAL
GRANDMA: But why canít I see him?
NURSE: Theyíre running some test.
GRANDMA: Well I would like to meet this doctor whoís testing him.
NURSE: You will.
GRANDMA: Some strange man is working on my husband, I have a right to meet
NURSE: You will.
GRANDMA: And I want to see the room youíre going to put him in.
NURSE: You will.
GRANDMA: And stop saying ĎYou willí. Put a proper sentence together for
NURSE: Maíam, please wait here.
RORY: Did you find out anything?
GRANDMA: Please! They run this place like the CIA [Joshua comes up] Joshua,
thank God! This place is infuriating.
JOSHUA: Itís alright, Iím here, Iím going to check on him right now. Have
you filled out the forms yet?
GRANDMA: I donít care about the forms, I want to see my husband.
JOSHUA: [to Rory] Is she being obstinate?
JOSHUA: Let me see whatís going on and then weíll take it from there.
GRANDMA: And there he goes through the doors.
RORY: Maybe I should call mom again.
GRANDMA: Never mind, Iím sure sheís very busy.
RORY: Thatís not true, I bet sheíd -
GRANDMA: Rory, go get your Grandfather a paper -
RORY: But -
GRANDMA: The Wall Street Journal or Baronís. Whatever they have, heíll want
something to read when he gets back to his room.
RORY: Ok, can I get you something? Maybe a coffee?
GRANDMA: No dear, Iím fine.
[Grandma goes around the corner and calls Lorelaiís house but gets the
answering machine and hangs up. Goes back to the waiting area]
NURSE: Ms. Gilmore, uh, I need you to -
GRANDMA: Itís not ĎMs. Gilmoreí, itís Mrs. Gilmore! Mrs. Gilmore, Iím not a
NURSE: I know this is difficult for you, but if you donít fill out these
GRANDMA: What? Youíll do what? Iíd like to hear in your most condescending
tone what my punishment will be for not filling out these forms in a timely
manner. Are there bamboo shoots involved? Some sort of dark deep hole in
the ground? Rats nibbling at my toes?
[Pan to Lorelai and Luke in the hospital]
LUKE: Ok, weíre supposed to follow the blue line, around the corner and then
we should be -
LORELAI: Whereís the scarecrow when you need him?
LUKE: Ok, we have to ask someone else.
LORELAI: No! No! We just have to pick one.
LUKE: Ah, well canít just wander around here aimlessly.
LORELAI: Luke, listen to me, somewhere in this hospital are my mother and my
father. Now I know I donít get along with them but there has to be some
sort of intuition, some sort of blood bond that will somehow lead me to
LUKE: Thatís crazy.
GRANDMA: My great uncle founded this hospital -
LORELAI: And thatís Emily.
GRANDMA: You insensitive paper peddler! His portrait is hanging in the
lobby, go look. Itís right above the sign that says ĎFounderí!!!
LORELAI: Whatís going on? How is he?
GRANDMA: You came!
LORELAI: Well of course I came. Howís dad?
GRANDMA: Thatís what Iíve been trying to find out but this woman keeps
pestering me with idiotic questions like ĎWhatís the number of my insurance
policy and how long have we had it.í
NURSE: I need to get this information.
GRANDMA: You need to get sensitivity training!
LORELAI: Well, what if I fill out this information and you can go find
someone who can tell us how my dad is.
NURSE: Iím not supposed to -
LORELAI: Or, I could go and you can stay here and continue to discuss this
with my mother
[Nurse looks at Emily]
NURSE: Iíll go.
LORELAI: Thank you.
GRANDMA: You got rid of her.
LORELAI: Yes, so tell me what happened.
GRANDMA: Thatís amazing.
LORELAI: Mom, please.
GRANDMA: I donít know what happened. He was hot and he went to turn down
the thermostat and then - [see Luke] were you on a date?
GRANDMA: You have an escort?
LORELAI: No, itís Luke mom.
LUKE: Which is her way of saying we werenít on a date.
LORELAI: Iím sorry, I didnít mean it like that.
GRANDMA: Well how am I supposed to know you werenít on a date. Itís Friday
night and you show up here with a man.
LORELAI: With Luke mom.
GRANDMA: Itís not insane to assume a date was involved.
LORELAI: Youíre right, ok, itís entirely possible that I was out on a date.
LUKE: Just not with me.
LORELAI: I was eating at Lukeís when I got the message. He gave me a ride,
end of story. Is Dr. Reynolds here?
GRANDMA: Yes, Joshua got her a while ago. He was supposed to come back the
minute he knew something but he hasnít been back yet.
LORELAI: Well letís go find him.
GRANDMA: You canít find him! You canít find anyone! Everyone just keeps
disappearing behind those doors!
LORELAI: Well come on, letís go [goes through doors]
GRANDMA: I didnít know you could do that. [follows Lorelai]
LUKE: Iíll wait here.
[Rory come up]
LUKE: I gave youíre mom a ride. We werenít on a date.
RORY: Oh, ok.
LUKE: She and your grandmother just went back to see if they can find a
RORY: Did they find out anything else about Grandpa?
LUKE: I donít think so, but give your mom a couple of minutes back there, I
bet she finds something out.
RORY: Thanks for bringing her.
LUKE: Youíre welcome. Hey, you ok?
RORY: I donít want him to die.
LUKE: Well you tell him that when you see him ok? People like to hear that.
[Lorelai comes through doors]
LORELAI: Hey, you! Hi.
RORY: It was horrible! It happened so fast.
LORELAI: Theyíre about to bring him out of the big test room any minute so
just hang in there.
RORY: Whereís Grandma?
LORELAI: Kicking some patient out of the room with the good view.
LORELAI: I hope they get him unhooked fast, otherwise heís going without the
life support machine.
RORY: So how long before they bring him back?
LORELAI: Very soon.
RORY: Iíd like to do something?
LORELAI: Like rollerblade?
RORY: Like get some coffee or make phone calls or do something that isnít
standing here waiting.
LORELAI: Ok, go it. Well as partial as I am to the phone, Iím voting for
the Ďget coffeeí idea.
RORY: Ok, good. Luke tea?
LUKE: Ah, peppermint preferably.
RORY: Iíll be right back.
LORELAI: Hey, heís gonna be fine.
RORY: I was just getting to know him.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: I donít want him to -
LORELAI: Heís not. Go get your coffee. [Rory leaves] Oh man! [sits with
LUKE: Youíre very brave for her.
LORELAI: Yeah, well itís my turn. God this sucks.
LUKE: Hey come on, you gotta think positive here - bright side, good
thoughts. Rainbows, unicorns, clowns, little cuteÖfurry - ok Iím out.
LORELAI: Thank God.
[Grandma comes through doors]
GRANDMA: Alright, weíve secured him the room but the pillows are completely
unacceptable. Iím gonna see if I can find him some down ones and some
slippers. Iíll be right back.
LORELAI: Weíll be right here [gurney passes. Luke breathes deeply, head
back] Jeez are you ok?
LUKE: Yeah, Iím just not big on hospitals you know the smell, people being
wheeled by with tubes sticking out of them, you know, drainage, fluids,
gaping holes -
LORELAI: Ok, listen, why donít you go home.
LUKE: You want me to go?
LORELAI: You donít look so good.
LORELAI: Thatís not what I meant. You know you always look good.
LORELAI: I mean you always look healthy.
LORELAI: But you donít look so healthy now. Now you lookÖ
LORELAI: Oh what? So I said you look good. Weíre not in 5th grade. ĎYou
look goodí, big deal. Stop staring at me.
[patient passes by]
LUKE: Ah, jeez.
LORELAI: See thatís what you get for being cocky.
[Grandpa wheeled out]
LORELAI: Uh, how is he?
ORDERLY: Heís a little groggy right now.
LORELAI: Whatís going on? How are the tests?
ORDERLY: The doctor will have to tell you that, Iím just the transport guy.
LORELAI: When is the doctor coming out?
ORDERLY: Iím not sure but you can go in with your dad until he gets here.
LUKE: Go ahead, Iím good.
LORELAI: Thatís ok, uh, Iím gonna go find my mom and Rory and tell them heís
LUKE: I can tell them when they get here.
LORELAI: Thatís ok, uh, I think theyíd like to know now [turns around and
almost knocks over her mom] Ah!
GRANDMA: Lorelai, you almost ran me over.
LORELAI: Well, good thing weíre in a hospital.
GRANDMA: Where were you going?
LORELAI: To find you, they just brought dad up.
LORELAI: Just now.
GRANDMA: Well how is he? Did you talk to him?
LORELAI: No not yet, I was coming to find you.
GRANDMA: Well come on.
LORELAI: You go ahead mom, Iím gonna go find Rory.
GRANDMA: Fine. [goes into room]
LUKE: You know I could look for Rory.
LORELAI: No thatís ok, Iíll do it.
LUKE: I thought so. Hey look, itís Rory. [Rory comes up to them]
RORY: The coffee machine was jammed so I got us some chicken soup and some
LORELAI: I was just coming to look for you.
RORY: Why, is everything ok?
LORELAI: They just brought Grandpa back up. Heís in room 202.
RORY: Well come on.
LORELAI: You go ahead, I just - I have to make a call.
RORY: Well hurry up.
LORELAI: Iíll meet you there.
LUKE: So who are you gonna go find now?
LUKE: How about Jimmy Hoffa? Thatíll keep you busy for a while.
LORELAI: I said stop.
LUKE: You canít avoid going into that room forever.
LORELAI: Iím not avoiding anything. Iím going to find coffee.
LUKE: The machineís jammed.
LORELAI: Well there are other machines.
LUKE: Admit youíre afraid.
LORELAI: You have no idea what youíre talking about.
LUKE: The truth hurts.
LORELAI: No you know what hurts? Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of
your head [pointing behind Luke]
LUKE: What? [turns around] Oh my God!
CUT TO INSIDE HOSPITAL ROOM
RORY: ĎYear end optimism in recent earnings reports, have pushed shares of
the telecommunications giant about $65í.
GRANDPA: [weakly] Oh, rubbish.
RORY: ĎHowever, some experts say that the stock is dangerously overvalued.í
GRANDPA: Ahh. Hmm.
GRANDMA: [Comes into room] Well how are we doing?
RORY: Weíre done the front page of the Financial Times and all of The Wall
GRANDMA: Very good progress. Rory dear, why donít you save the rest of the
paper till later hmm?
RORY: Ok. [to Grandpa] If I hug you, is it gonna hurt?
GRANDPA: Pain is part of life. [she hugs him]
GRANDMA: This little girl likes you.
GRANDPA: Well, she has good taste.
[Pan to Rory coming out of room and finds Luke sitting in the chairs beside
RORY: Whereís mom?
LUKE: Looking for coffee.
RORY: What are you doing?
LUKE: Staring at my shoes.
RORY: Ok, carry on.
[Pan back inside room]
GRANDMA: Well I finally found you some decent pillows, theyíre not down but
at least they give a little.
GRANDPA: Emily, we need to talk.
GRANDMA: Can you life your head at all?
GRANDPA: This is serious.
GRANDMA: Just a little.
GRANDPA: There is a key in my top desk drawer.
GRANDMA: Better yes?
GRANDPA: It is to the safe.
GRANDMA: One more time.
GRANDPA: All of our stock information is in there, plus all of the insurance
GRANDMA: Now if I could just find you some different sheets.
GRANDPA: Our will is in my lower left drawer, Denis has a copy in case
thereís a problem.
GRANDMA: Maybe I could get Dava to bring some from home -
GRANDPA: Emily, this is serious. We have to be practical.
GRANDMA: Iím gonna have Dava get those -
GRANDPA: Emily listen to me, if I die -
GRANDMA: Richard Gilmore, there may be many things happening in this
hospital tonight but your dying is not one of them.
GRANDPA: But -
GRANDMA: No! I did not sign on to your dying. And it is not going to
happen. Not tonight, not for a very long time. In fact, I demand to go
first. Do I make myself clear?
GRANDPA: Yes Emily. You may go first.
GRANDMA: Good. Iím gonna get you those sheets. [picks up the phone as
Richard takes her hand and holds it.]
[Pan to Lorelai and Rory by the coffee machine.]
RORY: No luck?
LORELAI: I think Iím wearing it down.
RORY: Youíre pathetic.
LORELAI: Is the doctor back?
RORY: Not yet.
LORELAI: So, you have a visitor tonight.
RORY: Yeah? Who?
LORELAI: Narcolepsy boy.
RORY: Dean came over?
LORELAI: Oh yeah. He pulled the old Ďtapping on the windowí bit.
RORY: Were you mean?
LORELAI: Excuse me, I am never mean.
RORY: You were mean.
LORELAI: He told me nothing happened.
RORY: Nothing did.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: You do? Really?
LORELAI: Rory, there are only two things that I totally trust in this entire
world. The fact that I will never be able to understand what Charo is
saying no matter how long she lives in this country - and you.
RORY: Hopefully not in that order.
LORELAI: You just have to understand the major panic factor that went on
RORY: I do, I really do and Iím so sorry. Nothing like that will ever
happen again. I swear.
LORELAI: Donít swear.
RORY: Why not?
LORELAI: Because you are your motherís daughter.
RORY: What does that mean.
LORELAI: It means things can happen, even when you donít really mean for
them to happen.
RORY: They will not happen.
LORELAI: Hmm. Ok
RORY: I hated going to that party tonight without you.
LORELAI: I hated you going to that party tonight without me. How were the
RORY: Oh, Grandma didnít make them this year.
LORELAI: Thatís weird.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: Hmm, are you lying?
RORY: Through my teeth.
LORELAI: Good girl.
[pan to outside Grandpaís room]
GRANDMA: Oh, hello [sees Luke sitting there.]
GRANDMA: If you donít mind, I think I need to just -
LUKE: Oh sure. Sit, please. How is he?
GRANDMA: Oh you know heís - I donít know. [playing with Grandpaís tie]
LUKE: Itís a nice tie.
GRANDMA: Itís Brooks Brothers.
GRANDMA: It was bothering him tonight. I told him not to loosen it. I
wanted him to look nice for our guests, so he didnít. And then wellÖThe
paramedics took it off him on the way here. I just havenít been able to put
it down yet [sniffles] I must sound crazy.
LUKE: Iíve kept my fatherís entire store just the way he left it.
LUKE: Well I turned it into a diner, but I kept all his stuff on the walls,
his pictures in the office, even the ĎHardwareí sign.
GRANDMA: Iím sure he wouldíve appreciated having his lifeís worked being
honored like that.
LUKE: He wouldíve called me a damn fool.
GRANDMA: Oh, well. I donít know what Lorelaiís told you about her father, I
can certainly imagine, but heís a very good man. He always did the right
thing for his family.
LUKE: Thatís what she told me.
GRANDMA: So what exactly is going on between the two of you?
LUKE: Nothing. Really. Weíre friends, thatís it.
GRANDMA: Youíre idiots, the both of you.
[Lorelai and Rory come back]
GRANDMA: There you are, where have you been?
LORELAI: Coffee hunt. So whatís going on?
LUKE: Your mother called me an idiot.
LORELAI: Wow, you must have sucked up good.
GRANDMA: Well Iím going to go wash my face [leaves taking Rory with her.]
[Lorelai stands in front of the door to Grandpaís room.]
LUKE: So whatcha gonna do?
LORELAI: [sighs] Ok, well, Iím just gonnaÖ
LUKE: Iíll be here.
[Lorelai looks at Grandpa who opens his eyes. They look at each other for a
couple of seconds and are about to say something when the doctor, Rory and
Grandma walk into the room.]
GRANDMA: ÖIíve heard for such a long time. Richard, how are you darling?
JOSHUA: Well Richard, it looks like weíre gonna be stuck with you for a
while longer. It was just a touch of angina.
GRANDMA: But you have to watch your diet.
JOSHUA: Yes, thatís going to be very important. No more red meat, heavy
desserts and youíre going to have to exercise regularly.
GRANDMA: Golf doesnít count.
RORY: So can he go home?
JOSHUA: Weíd like to keep him over night though, just to be sure.
RORY: But heís fine.
JOSHUA: As long as he does what heís told, yes. [Lorelai sneaks out]
[Luke comes around the corner]
LUKE: I heard, everythingís ok.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. Theyíre going to keep him over night but - but heís
going to be fine. [cries]
LUKE: Hey. [Luke hugs her] Ok, see hereís where the guy is supposed to give
the girl his handkerchief but I donít have oneÖand plus I find the practice
a little revolting soÖ
LORELAI: No, Iím ok.
LUKE: You sure?
LUKE: Alright. Oh hey, I got this for you.
LORELAI: Ah, whereíd you get that?
LUKE: Nurseís lounge.
LUKE: What? Youíre not the only one who can flirt [Lorelai laughs] The door
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: Anything else I can do?
LORELAI: Could you take Rory home?
LUKE: Yeah sure. What about you?
LORELAI: Iím gonna stick around here for a while and make sure everythingís
are settled you know. You take her and Iíll drive the jeep back.
LUKE: Ok. [Rory comes out]
RORY: Heís gonna be fine.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. I think it was those financial papers that really did
the trick. [they giggle] So, um, Lukeís gonna take you home ok, Iím gonna
hang out here for a while.
RORY: Iíll stay too.
LUKE: No, go, call Dean. Talk mushy to each other and then spend an hour
arguing over whoís going to hang up first.
RORY: You are gross.
LORELAI: Iíll call you later.
RORY: Ok, well tell him good bye for me. And tell Grandpa Iíll come back
LORELAI: Ok, I will, bye.
LUKE: Ok, walk fast and look straight ahead.
[Grandma and Joshua come out, Joshua leaves]
GRANDMA: Heís almost asleep.
GRANDMA: Whereís Rory?
LORELAI: I sent her home with Luke.
GRANDMA: What about you?
LORELAI: I thought Iíd stick around in case anybody needed anything.
LORELAI: I mean not you. You obviously donít need anything, but somebody
somewhere in this hospital might at some point need something and Iím gonna
be the person who gets it for them.
GRANDMA: Would you like to go down to the cafeteria for something to eat?
LORELAI: Yes. Maybe somebody in the cafeteria will need something.
GRANDMA: Oh dear.
LORELAI: And wonít they feel lucky when they see me. ĎHey I needed
something and there you wereí, itís going to be a great moment.
CUT TO LUKEíS
LUKE: Hey, howís your dad?
LORELAI: Better, though he says that life is not life unless it includes a
steak. How come youíre not out with everybody?
LUKE: I had some things to do.
LORELAI: Right, anyways, this is for you. [giving him a bag]
LUKE: Whatís it for?
LORELAI: Just thank you, Christmas, whatever.
LUKE: Christmas isnít for two weeks.
LORELAI: Do we really have to do this again? [he opens the present. Itís a
baseball hat] I just thought, you know, God forbid something happens to
that one, you might need a spare. Here [put it on forwards] Does that look
wrong. [puts in on backwards] There! Oh hey turn out the lights [going to
LUKE: For what? Itís not the real procession, itís just the rehearsal.
LORELAI: So, itís pretty.
LUKE: And why do they need to rehearse it? Itís the same thing every year.
LORELAI: Come on Luke, please. [he turns out the lights and joins her by the
window] Itís hard to imagine living somewhere else isnít it?
LUKE: Thanks for the hat.
LORELAI: Youíre welcome. Looks good on you.
LUKE: Good how?
LORELAI: Just watch the procession.
Forgiveness and Stuff Summary ...